There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
if you'd like to be listed here, let me know!
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Hey, Internet.

So, since my date with Kenneth, things have pretty much gone back to normal. I've been talking to my friends, working on my diet (including trying new recipes to try, I'm getting back into cooking and forgot how much how much I used to love it!) and working out.

I also talk to Kenneth once every few days, not about much really, just catching up and some small talk.

Despite all of the initial similarities to my experience with Drew, this whole thing with Kenneth has gone way better. I think it partly has to do with the fact that I'm older now, and slightly more mature and more independent than I used to be a few years ago. Part of the reason things went so downhill with Drew was that I had started to form a sort of expectation about things, since it had been the first time something like that had happened to me, I guess I was more naive about how things would work.

Also, it helped that Kenneth wasn't an ass (lol) and he actually treated me well, and that we were both clear from the start that we weren't looking for anything more than a friend.

But there's one thing that strikes me as hilarious: Let me be clear. Kenneth is an attractive man. A very, very attractive man. And in terms of all of my ideal personal preferences in terms of attraction: he's pretty much it. He works out, has a great physique, not too tall but still taller than me, sexy voice, actually knows a thing or two about my hobbies (he's Korean so he knows about kpop and kdramas and things of that nature that I'm interested in), gentlemanly, laid back, and kind.

BUT. Here's the thing. As for any sort of chemistry between us? Almost none. I'm almost 99% sure that there was 0 chemistry between us.

It's so weird because, again, for the past few years of this dry spell, if I had thought of the ideal person I'd want to date? HE WOULD BE IT. AND WE HAD NO CHEMISTRY AT ALL.

Crazy, right? CRAZY.

I suddenly have this understanding of what people who date all the time are talking about when they talk about chemistry. To be honest, I just never had enough experience with guys that were interested enough to ask me out, let alone discover if I had chemistry with someone.

And I'm starting to realize...chemistry is the thing, man. It's the foundation for feelings. If there's no chemistry...there's nothing.

Looking back, I had chemistry with Ricky Bobby. Definite chemistry with Ricky Bobby. There was always this palpable, heavy, thick, cut-the-air-with-a-knife tension between us every time we were near each other. I think he was the person I had the strongest chemistry with, even if neither of us were never willing to confront it.

And with Phil, we didn't have strong chemistry, but there was at least the nervous, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling when we talked to each other (or should I say the few times we talked to each other face to face. About him. And mostly him. Oy.). Even if I didn't have strong feelings for him, and they were fleeting, they were there.

With Drew, there was no chemistry. None. I was nervous around him, but I think that mostly came from the fact that I was meeting a stranger for the first time. There was really no physical attraction, at all.

But with Kenneth.....still no chemistry. But I was attracted to him! Extremely! He might be the single most attractive man to ever speak to me in my entire life! But..........still.........no.........chemistry.

I'm baffled, Internet. Simply baffled.

I mean...maybe it's partly because of the age difference. Maybe because we're aware of such a gap between us, not just age but our completely different lifestyles because of our ages, we're extra cautious about it. Or maybe it's all hormones and there just truly wasn't a connection on any other level besides getting along.

Part of me really wonders if I've lost the ability to feel that way about someone. That I only got that feeling with Ricky Bobby because I was really young, and it was the first time that I'd gotten really serious feelings for somebody.

But maybe that's just what it is. It's supposed to be rare, that's what makes it so special. I guess we're not meant to have strong chemistry with everybody that's attractive to us. And let's be real, that would get really messy for everybody. And painful. And crazy. But...chemistry. Man. What an interesting concept.

There was this reality show I watched a few days ago (I forgot the name of it, it was a Korean show). The basic idea of it was that the show selected 3 people and asked them what their ideal type was. Asked for as many details of their ideal type that they could come up with, like if they had a ~dream person~, who would it be. Then, after learning about all of this, they searched for a person that came the absolute closest to their ideal type and set them up together. Then for 30 days, they had to be an official couple and see how things go. And at the end of the 30 days, if they'd developed feelings for each other, then they would stay together.

It was SO good and hilarious and interesting that I watched all of the episodes back to back and finished it in one night. What struck me as the most interesting of all was that none of the 3 couples stayed together after the 30 days. There was even one couple, who were the youngest, both being 23 (I think? Or 21?) that had GREAT chemistry from the get go and by the end of the 30 days, the girl had utterly lost interest and was even a little annoyed by him.

It was fascinating and telling I think, because it showed even more that you could have the blueprint of your perfect ideal person laid out, detail by detail, and in the end you still might not have any feelings for that person at all when you meet them face to face.

So, when it comes down to it...I guess I don't really have an ideal type.

There are definitely some standout aspects that are still very important to me in what I'm looking for (gentleman that treats me well, sweet, smart, and an overall decent person), but now that I've gone out on a date with someone that definitely would have been my ideal type physically.....I know for sure that in the end an ideal type won't matter to me anyway.

After all, all of the guys that I have been into in the past have all been polar opposites from one another. I think I've said this before: I don't have a type, I just know what I like when I see it.
And I am pretty picky, I admit, but I don't discriminate over the trivial things (eye color, skin color, ethnicity, race, etc etc etc) and when I like what I see, then that's just what it is.

This was an eye opening experience for me in more than one aspect, and I think now that I'm starting to learn these things, I would be more open to going on a few dates once in a while.

I definitely won't be doing it frequently, but here and there can't hurt, right? Nothing awful came from this date with Kenneth, and in the end I felt proud of myself for doing it and putting myself out there for once.

Baby steps, Internet. Baby steps.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: drew, kenneth, phil, ricky bobby, tinder

Internet...on Sunday, I did something kind of crazy. Crazy for me, anyway.

First, let me start with this: there came a time about a month about ago when fandom life sort of snuck up on me and something sort of devastating happened. I won't say what specifically, but it was basically any fan of a band's second worst nightmare (the first being one of the members of a band getting killed, god forbid.). But yes, something sad happened with my favorite band, and I cried for a few days about it.

And around that time, I needed some entertaining distraction. Which led me to creating a Tinder account. Yes, I know. This is the second time I've created an online dating account out of needing entertainment. (The first being when I made my OKCupid account.) I should really get rid of this habit, it brings chaos into my life.

It seemed harmless enough though, and I actually had the app once before for a while, before deleting it once I got bored. And that time, nothing ever came out of it.

Well. This time, it was fun the first day. I actually got 3 matches in a row, which was bewildering and hilarious to me. Then, the day afterwards, the glitz had worn off and everything about the app annoyed me. I literally just sat there, scowling and swiping 'no' on everybody until I got fed up and shoved my phone away, lmao.

That continued for a about a week, until one day I decided I should add a more recent picture, and an hour or two after I put it on my profile, one of the matches I'd had for a week messaged me. Let's call him Kenneth. It was the first message I'd ever gotten and it freaked me out slightly because I was sort of just hoping that no one would try to talk to me.

Craziest of all, he was a 28 year old that I'd only swiped right on because he was way too hot and out of my age range to even consider me, or so I thought.

So there I was, freaking out that a hot 28 man was trying to talk to me. I didn't even open it for 3 hours or so, but in the end, I sucked it up, opened it and hesitantly responded. That lead to talking for the rest of the night, and I'd hoped he decided I was boring and that would be it.

Until the next morning, when I woke up to a message asking if I wanted to get coffee that weekend. INSTANT PANIC AND NAUSEA.

The whole day I worried over it, trying to think of the best way to say no without hurting his feelings (although I didn't even know him, so I very well could have if I wanted to. But I have a hard time with disappointing people, so I couldn't bring myself to.). The worry extended to that night, the night that I mixed sangria and a margarita and it ended up dismally. (Which pretty much happened like this: "Must! Relax! Forget about Kenneth! Drink more! Drink! Is it dizzy in here? Must relax! More drin--*runs to bathroom to puke*"). So after I got home and was still somewhat tipsy, I gathered the courage and made an excuse about my cousin's birthday being the next day and having to be there (which was actually true! Just stretched a little bit.)

He was disappointed and sort of saw through my excuse, which made me feel bad. So the next day, I started conversation instead, and we talked that whole day and the day afterward, during which he asked me out 2 more times.
The second time, I brushed it off casually and changed the subject, and then the third time, after watching Frozen and feeling inspired (I love it, leaf me be.) I decided to say yes.

I don't know what possessed me to, but I said yes. Maybe part of it was that we had added each other on Instagram, and he had the opportunity to see some more of my personality and weird hobbies (kpop) and still wanted to meet me, I think that said a lot to me. And then seeing more of his personality and not seeing any reason to say no again. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and he treated me with respect, so why not?

So started the whole week I had to get prepare myself.

I made sure not to skip any exercise days, just to help with my confidence, and I did skin treatments and got my hair done on Saturday. Then Sunday came.

I woke up early, exercised, took a shower, and started getting ready. I'm not gonna lie, I was very nervous. But I kept thinking about how I felt the morning before meeting Drew and I couldn't help but make comparisons. I kept waiting for the real terror to come. I remembered how I was so nervous to meet Drew that I felt like I was going to vomit. I kept waiting for that, and it never came.

To be frank though, it helped that this wasn't the first time I was doing this. I somewhat knew what to expect more, and I wasn't just going in blind this time. Also, it helped that in my head, I was adamant on keeping things platonic, no matter what. No flirting. No physical contact whatsoever. Throughout making Tinder and starting to talk to him, I had the mindset that no relationship would come out of this, and that I had no interest in that at all. We would be friends hanging out, and that was it. No matter what.

So. I walked into the cafe, which was somewhat empty, and didn't spot Kenneth right away, but he recognized me immediately and walked over to me and said hi.

I don't remember a lot of the conversation at first, I just remember being superbly self conscious and sweating bullets from my armpits. We walked up to the counter for me to order a drink and without a word from him, he took out his wallet and paid for it.

This gave me a whole new surge of nervousness because holy crap, a guy just paid for me. But I mentally told myself to breathe and calm down, that it was no big deal, and that he was just being courteous.

So as I got my drink and we went to sit down on a sofa, we began to talk, and soon we were talking pretty much nonstop. And randomly, about 25-30 minutes into our conversation, he asks what the last movie I saw was. I told him it was Godzilla a few weeks ago, and that it was amazing. Then, after that, he asks, "Hey, wanna go see a movie?"

Before I could think too much into it and talk myself out of it, I immediately said, "Okay, sure!" I didn't even hesitate.

This, my friends, was when I became someone completely different. Not your normal, everyday timid and shy Hopeless Romantic. I became SARAH. Capital S, capital A, capital R, capital A, capital H. SARAH, who goes on spontaneous movie dates. SARAH, who doesn't feel intimidated by this guy who she met on an app, who happens to be even more attractive than he is in his Instagram pics, which rarely ever happens and is kind of mind blowing. I lost my mind and became this alter ego version of myself, this is the only explanation I have of this, honestly.

So, yes. We sat there and decided on a movie (at first he suggested 22 Jump Street and another action type movie, and when he suggested How to Train Your Dragon 2, I nearly jumped up in agreement because I am 12.) and then immediately left the cafe.

As I got into Kenneth's car, I consciously tried not to psych myself out again. (Screaming in my head, "Don't freak out about getting into his car! Don't freak out about being alone with in his car! Don't panic. Don't panic.") And on the way to the theater, we talked even more. Not a bad driver, by the way, but he has this habit of holding his phone in one hand which is generally a bad idea, but I tried not to let it freak me out.

We got there pretty soon, and as we got out of the car, the wind was UNBELIEVABLE and I cursed the moment I chose to wear a dress and wear my hair down because I had to bunch my skirt in one hand to prevent a full on Marilyn Monroe from happening.

Anyway, so we got out and went to buy tickets, and since we had a good half hour until the movie, we decided to walk around outside for a bit. We walked to a nearby shopping center and into a Whole Foods, where we bought some snacks for me to smuggle in my purse.

On the way back, we were passing my favorite bubble tea place, which I pointed out and he suggested we go in and get something there too. So we go in, and he asks what I usually order when I go there, and I tell him taro boba, thinking that maybe he wants to try it. So I just stand to the side while he orders, not paying any attention, and when he turns around with a taro boba for me and a drink for him, I'm flustered but grateful.

So then we went the theater again since the movie was starting soon, but before then he asked if I wanted popcorn, to which I said 'sure' and he bought yet another thing for me omg. He just...kept buying stuff for me! To be fair, I could've said no, so that's partly on me too, hahaha. I was just so shocked, I guess.

So we find seats and watch the movie (it was wonderful, by the way) and meanwhile he ate most of the popcorn and Whole Foods snacks, but I didn't mind, since I don't eat much during movies anyway. (Plus he bought it, so fair enough!) And after the movie ended and we walked out of the theater, he asked if I was hungry, and I said, 'Sure!' Again. I swear, that is SARAH's favorite word.

We look for nearby places to eat on his phone and we decide on a sit down burger place about 3 minutes away, and zip on over. He orders a burger and fries and I settle on some fries (because I'm not that hungry) and we find a booth and sit, where we talk for 2 more hours.

I remember feeling so grateful that he was such a good conversationalist, because there were never awkward silences or pauses where I didn't know what to say. We talked about a lot, so much that I can't seem to remember most of the conversation topics.

One thing that's worth mentioning, though, was that after some prodding from him, I admitted that I'd never had a boyfriend, and never been kissed. It kind of came from me telling him about my online school experience in high school and the unrequited love I had for Ricky Bobby (because he'd asked about it previously). I got the response I usually get for that, shock, amazement, exclamations of 'how?!', etc, etc. When I explained it in full, he got it, but he still seemed baffled. I also got the usual, "You're still young, though. You'll have your chance." Yawn. It was appreciated, though.

Also he told me that he'd just gotten out of a 2 year relationship in April, and that he has no interest in getting into a relationship for a while. And he told me about his dog, and I told him about my dog. And I told him about Rose and how we don't speak anymore.

We talked about a lot. More than someone would probably normally tell someone that they just met, lmao. But it was nice to just...talk to someone. And hang out with them.

Anyway, soon we realized that the sun was going down outside, so we left the restaurant and he drove me home. As I got out of his car and he walked me to my door, he mentioned we might be able to hang out again the following weekend, and I said that would be cool. We hugged (sort of awkwardly, it was hesitant and kind of weird, lol) and then I waved from my door as he drove away.

I'm still...kind of in a daze over the whole thing.

It just...doesn't feel real. I'm not used to these things happening to me. Because they just...don't. Not to me.

He was so...nice to me. And a gentleman. He opened doors for me, opened my car door for me, never said a word about paying for our stuff and even said that my dress was pretty. One thing that really sticks out to me even now was in the movie theater, when I was struggling to get my 3D glasses package open, he calmly handed me his already open 3D glasses to wear instead. Not gonna lie, I melted. Just a little bit.

I don't think a guy has ever treated me with so much kindness and respect, even as a friend.

But as I told my friends when I recounted all of this to them, even though it went very, very well, and I had a great time, this is definitely not going to go anywhere. And I don't mean that in a negative way. Just that, realistically, it can't go anywhere. For the following reasons:

1. The age difference. I didn't notice it the majority of the time when we hung out, and honestly I never thought I would go out with anyone 7 years older than me, at least while I'm this young. So even meeting him at all was a big thing for me. But we are at very different stages of our lives. He's been out of school for a while, working as an electrical engineer. I've been out of school for 2 years now, and only just starting college in the fall (which he knows about, by the way). Very different lives. He's a man, and I'm still a girl.
2.  The fact that he just got out of a serious relationship. I don't know a lot about serious relationships, but I get the general idea that when you get out of one you don't look for another relationship for a while. As he told me himself. And I'm not looking for a serious relationship either, now and for a long time. I'm trying to get myself and my life together, and I don't need a distraction from that. 
3. The fact that he's moving soon anyway. He moves out of state to Chicago for a new job somewhere around mid-July, so yeah. There's that too. (Random, but GDI what is it with me and guys that move away?!) 

Labels: alter ego sarah, dates, drew, kenneth, online dating, tinder

Oh, Internet. Can I be straight with you?

It's that time again.

No, not my period, I finished that a few days ago, but thanks for asking. (Period jokes. Funny? Not funny? Gross? Probably the last one.)

Nope. It's that time again when I blog to whine about being single.

I KNOW, I KNOW. Those of you that have been reading my blog for a while are probably so sick of this, and for that I give you my sympathies. Trust me, I'm getting tired of it too. But when you've essentially had a non-stop romantic dry spell for a consecutive 19 years it's hard not to complain at least a little bit.

A few days ago, I had an emotional day. To be fair, I was on the tail end of my period, and my emotions tend to get haywire and the last days of it, so it was to be expected. But still, I felt pretty lousy. I basically went to bed the night before crying and then woke up and started crying some more.

I just kept thinking about how all this time, hell, throughout all of my teenage years until now, I've never ever had a boyfriend. Ever.

Boyfriend? What is that? Is it a sport?? Is it something I can play on a gaming console???

But seriously though. It's like.....I keep looking at all these people around me that have at the very least--at the very least--had one relationship. Everyone. Every single person that I know. Literally. All in different shapes and sizes, different personalities, lifestyles, religions, what have you. They've all been in at least one relationship. And then there's me.

It's not even like I mope around 24/7 always weeping at my singleness and wailing to the heavens "WHY ME?!?" I'd like to think that to people that don't know me very well, I seem to handle it very well, almost like I don't even care. And really, half the time, I don't. Half the time I just think, 'Well yeah, I haven't had a boyfriend, but I'll get one eventually, so who cares? I don't need one right now anyway.'

But then also half of the time, I think about it, I mean really think about it, and just think: 'What did I do to deserve this?'

And it's not that I'm desperate or anything, because if I was truly desperate, I would have just gone for anybody by now. If I were desperate, I would just throw myself at any guy that shows me the slightest bit of attention, whether they were good for me or not.

Hell no, I don't do that. I would never do that. Why? Because I have standards, and I respect myself more than that.

And I'd also like to think that when the time comes for my first relationship, I'll be very cautious about getting into it, because I know how easily I can get hurt. I know it doesn't seem like it from the other side of the computer screen, but I'm really very sensitive. I always have been. I'm better than I used to be, my skin has gotten a lot thicker, but as a kid, if someone even looked at me the wrong way, I would almost start to cry.

I think that's why I really have never initiated any sort of relationship with someone, or have even blatantly shown my interest in someone (besides Phil, that is), because when I'm rejected, I take it very personally. I know that's not the healthy attitude to have with dating, and it can drive a person crazy, but I can't help myself. For me to even muster up the courage to approach someone that way takes so much effort, so much that sometimes I can't even make myself do it, and when that's thrown back in my face, it hurts like hell.

Maybe if I'd ever tried to start anything with anyone, I might have had a boyfriend by now. But something like that is just too risky, too scary to even think about.

And speaking of interest...interest. What does that mean? I don't know anymore.

It's been three years now since I've last had a crush on somebody. Three stinkin' years. I don't even remember what it feels like anymore.

I admit, Drew came close. I thought I was starting to develop some sort of feelings for him, starting, but as soon as he passively rejected me after the ONE date I went on with him, that all went in a fat flaming rocket straight to hell. And even though Phil was the last guy I had a 'crush' on, I'm still hesitant to call it that.

My crush on Phil was never the nervous-to-be-around-him, weak-everytime-I-look-at-him, I-can't-remember-how-to-breathe-properly-when-he-smiles-at-me crush. It was just a "Oh hey, you're kinda cute. Oh you think I'm cute, too? Well then I think I probably like you." kind of thing. Not in the least bit serious, and I'm prone to having serious crushes, so I don't know how that even happened. Plus Phil, as I've learned in the past 3 years since, isn't prone to having anything serious, so I guess I dodged that bullet while I was ahead.

So, yeah. Crushes. What are those? Unless you count celebrity crushes, which most people don't, then I haven't had one of those in a long time. And no one's had one on me, that I know of.


It just..........I can't even explain how it feels. It's one giant falcon kick to the stomach, you know? It doesn't feel good at all, not one little bit, and the pain kind of leaves you breathless. 


It's like....this is how it feels not to be wanted. And I mean really, truly, wanted. For who you are. And I've felt that way for a few people my whole life, but no one's felt that way for me. I don't think there's anything worse in this entire world.


How to remedy this? I honestly have no idea. 


There's online dating, but ever since Drew, that seems to have made things worse. I've since discovered that it's really not for me, and I haven't met anyone on there to convince me otherwise. 


There's also continuing on with life, try to ignore it, and accomplish things in the meantime, only I've been doing that for a long time, and the feeling gets worse with time. And I keep thinking about all the things people around me have experienced that I haven't (in terms of romance). First hand holding. First kiss. First prom date. Sometimes even first love. And it conjures up this unbearable bitterness inside of me.


It's cheesy, I know. But all I want is someone that thinks I'm attractive, and tells me. Someone to call me annoying, cringe-worthy pet names. Someone to hug me just because. Someone to talk to and to ask how I'm doing, because they want to. Someone to kiss me and mean it. Someone to want me. Someone to call me theirs. And someone that I can do all of that for in return. That's all I want. Is that too fucking much to ask for?


I'm only 19, and I know none of that is important right now. I know I don't need a boyfriend, or a relationship. But I want one. For God's sake, JUST ONE. That's all I want right now.

I know it inevitably ends in heartbreak, and I'm still scared of being hurt, but honestly my bitterness right now is overwhelming any of those fears. And I feel like this feeling is worse than heartbreak, because at least with heartbreak I would have known what it feels like to be wanted at some point. I just hate that I haven't experienced this not even once in my whole life, and I'm so sick of feeling this way.

And even if I had a crush right now, and it was unrequited (as always), at least I would know what it feels like to want someone. I don't even have that.

This sounds so dramatic, I'm sorry. But this feeling has just been building up and building up and up and up and at this point I don't know when it'll end.

I haven't even logged onto my OKCupid account lately because even though I'm not desperate, I'm sure as hell getting there. It would be dangerous to even log in while feeling this way, because I might forget my standards altogether and say yes to the first guy that propositions me. (Kidding, I wouldn't. But I would consider it for longer than I care to admit.) I'll stay away from it until I calm down. Or maybe get some therapy.

So, what to do about it? Nothing. As always.

Since I'm so emotional right now I think I'll go write. I always have written better when I'm emotional.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: bitterness, drew, dry spells, life, love, phil, would you like cheese with your whine

By the way, the guy I was talking to on OKCupid before? The one that works in the Air Force? (We'll call him Air Force.) Yeah, finally logged on and read his message. He gave me his number. It went something to the effect of:

So, we've been talking for a while now. It's sort of tedious to keep
logging on here, so want my number?
Too bad. Have it.
(Enter number here.)

Kind of hot, actually. Some might see it as forceful, but I find it hot. But...here's the thing. Sooooo busy right now. And honestly, I knew this was coming eventually. With Drew, this same exact thing happened. We talked for about two weeks on OKC messages, and then Drew asked for my number, and we started texting. Pretty much saw this one coming. Which is why I haven't texted him.

Air Force is nice. Really, he is. He's quite cool. We have some hobbies in common, and he's nice to talk to. But I have no time to think about dating right now. None. And I know if I text him, I'm going to want to text him all the time, just like Drew. And then texting all the time leads to hopes getting up, and getting closer, and then a date being planned. And then, if all goes well, dating. And if not, then disappointment and it will have just been a giant waste of time that I needed to have in the first place to focus on my last month of school.

Cannot. Date. Right. Now.

You can see I've thought alot about this. Oh. I have. And I kind of feel bad for not texting him, because I know how hard it is to put yourself out there, and I really appreciate it and I'm totally flattered. And this has nothing to do with him, because if I were in a better place in my life right now, I'd totally go for him. Totally. But I just cannot afford to right now.

Also, this is kind of beside the point, but lately I've found another obsession to add to my growing list of things that I do in my spare time (which is increasingly less these days). Astrology.

Okay. I'm not one of those people that religiously believe in it and reads their horoscope every morning and stuff. Really. 98.99% of the time, it's just for fun. And 98.99% of the time I'll read things that are supposed to be about the characteristics of Aries and I'm like 'lolwut' because it's like the polar opposite of how I am and it's funny.

But something I like to read about are compatibility stuff. A lot of it is bologna, but then every once in a while, I'll read something that's so accurate I stop and go 'whoa.' Like, for instance, I'm Aries, a fire sign, and all of the fire signs understand each other and get along really well. Rosie's a Leo, another fire sign. And romantically, the fire signs are supposed to have an instant connection, drawn together like soul mates almost. Drew was a Saggittarius, the other fire sign. And Air Force is one too.

Weird, right? A coincedence, but still weird.

But it sort of pisses me off and makes me laugh at the same time because Aries and Saggittarius are suppose to be like, made for each other. And while Drew and I got along, we were nowhere near perfect for eachother.
It makes me wonder if there are people out there that date people just because of their 'sign', and go with someone they believe to be compatible with them only to turn out disappointed like I was.

At the same time, though, there were some things I read about how Saggittarius men are supposed to act, and some of the things I saw, like highly athletic, friendly to everyone, aloof and independent, doesn't really like to talk about emotions, was scarily accurate. Also weird.

So even though I don't believe in these things as 100% absolute fact, some things like that still kind of freak me out with their accuracy.

I'm not gonna lie, part of me wonders if that's another reason why I don't want to take a chance on Air Force right now. They're two completely different people, but at the time, Drew seemed like someone I'd been able to see myself with, too. And the last thing I need is to experience that whole mess twice.

Also got a message from another guy on there recently. He messaged first, saying, "You know who you remind me of?" and I said, "Haha. Who?" And then he said, "An extremely gorgeous girl."

Vomit. Haha, just kidding. I mean, it was sweet, it was. But I was suspicious as soon as I saw it. He's 19, and from the looks of his pictures, very attractive. A Leo. What was the catch? I go to his profile. Oh, there's the catch. He has a kid. A two year old kid. At age 19. With a girl he's no longer with, whom he decided to call a bitch publicly on his profile.

Welp. This is why I don't even bother with guys my age, lol. I wonder if he was on 16 and pregnant?

In other news, Best Friend Rose met a guy on OKC. Up until now, she hadn't really taken it seriously. She mostly made it so we could read each other weird/pervy messages we'd gotten and laugh at them.

But I guess about a month and a half ago, she started talking to his guy on there. Before she knew it, they couldn't stop talking, and soon they exchanged Facebook URLs and numbers, and they were texting nonstop. So about two weeks ago, they met up for coffee. And it went AMAZINGLY.
They talked forever, got along great, and planned their next date. She said he even bought her coffee for her, opened doors for her, and pulled out her chair for her. Waaaah. SO cute. But she really really likes him, and I'm so glad she's found somebody like this, especially during this time in her life. I haven't met him yet, but I'm sure with the way things are going, I'll get to soon.

Also, I'm glad that she met him on OKC, of all places. I haven't had such luck with it, but I'm glad she has. Maybe online dating isn't worthless after all? Maybe just for me? Hahaha.

Also also, I'm supposed to be doing Stats, but I'm stalling right now. Big time. I just have so much on my mind!

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: air force, drew, okcupid

So, the reason I haven't written about my OKCupid experiences in a while is because...well. I've had none. Haha.

And the reason I've had none is just because I've become very disenchanted by it as of late. I don't really take it as seriously as I used to (which isn't really saying a lot, because I didn't really take it seriously to begin with). I haven't replied to anybody on there in about two months now, and the last guy I talked to I wasn't that interested in talking to anyway.

BUT. I'd be lying if I said that the whole Drew thing didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth, even months and months later.

He was my first impression of online dating as a legal adult, and to be frank, it wasn't exactly a good impression. It also led me to think that perhaps online dating isn't my thing. The biggest problem with Drew and I was that all we did before we met was text. And before we texted, all we did was message each other on OKC. And that's all.

I've heard of people going to meet the people they talk to online in person right away, so they have a better grasp of who they're getting to know. And that was the problem with Drew and I. We met in person an entire month after we started talking, an entire month after talking almost every single day, conversations in which we already began forming expectations and opinions of one another before we'd even stood face-to-face.

I think even talking on the phone or Skyping (hypothetically speaking of course, considering I don't even have a webcam) would have helped with that a little bit. But we didn't do that. We only texted. And it's not that I'm purposely a completely different person over text, because I'm sure he didn't do it purposely either. But it's very hard to truly know someone through typed words on a screen.
Even if a person is 100% themselves online or over text, you probably still don't know their exact sense of humor. You probably don't know what kind of jokes they don't like. You don't know the faces they make while they talk to you about something sad, or about something serious, the kinds of things that annoy them slightly or even the way they sneeze or how they act in the morning before their morning coffee.

I thought I knew Drew, but the moment I first saw him in that bookstore, it occurred to me that I was walking up to a total stranger.
And that's why I feel like online dating isn't for me. For me to like like someone, I have to know them in a platonic way first. That's why it was so easy for me to get a crush on someone at my old school. I saw them everyday and knew them reasonably well, because I went to a private school and everyone was familiar to everyone. Even if I'm not particularly good friends with a person, if I feel like I've taken enough time to get to know them, then I can develop that crush.

But with online dating, it's already called 'online dating' to begin with. Actually, just dating, in general. Someone hits on you, tells you plainly that they're interested. That's great, but the expectations of finding someone to be in a relationship are already there, and so it sort of feels like...I don't know. Like hunting, or something. Find the best person with the most potential, hunt them down and claim their attention, and then...what? Hope for the best? And then if it doesn't even come close to working out, cross your fingers for the next potential mate, and if not that one, then the next one? What's so great about that? Sounds like a job, or something.

So. Personally, the idea of 'dating' sounds tedious. I'd much rather meet someone, become friends with them, and then if I start to see them that way, develop feelings for them on my own time. No expectations, no pre-set goals or obligations. Just to let it happen. That sounds like the best thing to me.

So despite Drew leaving me a crappy impression of this online dating thing, I haven't deleted my OKC account. I still have it, and log on from time to time to read any messages I've gotten. Like I said before, I haven't replied to any in a good while, and the one that I did (yeah. Literally. One.) was nice and all, but I didn't find it terribly interesting.

However, there was one that I received two days ago that I found interesting.

"Hey Sarah! Your mischievous smile is awesome! I am a book nerd and a band geek/nerd. (Note: if you're wondering, that was in response to one section of my profile where I say if you were any sort of nerd, I'm interested in talking to you. Haha. This is me we're talking about, here. Nerds are my people.)
I know I'm probably out of your age range, but I saw that it said you were just interested in friendly chatter so I thought it would be ok to say hiiiii.
You should be proud of your maturity. I have to say, I'm impressed with your writing skills. I'm an English teacher, and I can tell you that your level of writing skill is very uncommon in high schoolers. Good for you."

Okay. First off, I had no idea I smiled mischievously. Second off, he's only 25. Which, objectively, isn't old. It's actually pretty young. And after some urging from Best Friend Rose, I went to his profile and read it, and looked at his pictures.

He..............is................hot.

So hot that at the first picture I saw of him close up, my entire face turned red. Yes. That hot.

But...............................HE'S A TEACHER.

I'm still a senior in high school. And admittedly, I won't be able to look at any teachers in any other way besides being a teacher until I'm out of high school. And even though I'm in online school, and I even have to talk to my teachers on the phone, they're still teachers.

And for God's sake, my English teacher last year was only 26!!

I'll admit, I am a Pretty Little Liars fan. And not even gonna lie, I love the Ezra and Aria storyline. As forbidden as it is, they're so adorable together. And he's really hot. And to be fair, she started dating him before he even became her English teacher, so I still support it (yes, I'm aware I'm talking about fictional characters like they're real people. Happens to me a lot, actually.)

But dammit, this is real life! English Teacher...he's smoking hot. English teachers should not be that hot.

Because! He's a teacher, a teacher!!

A TEACHER.

Not my teacher. BUT SOMEONE'S TEACHER. HE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS AND TEACHES THEM THINGS AND GIVES THEM HOMEWORK.

No no no no no. I can't...no. I can't do this. I just...I CAN'T DO THIS. If he had any other profession, I wouldn't be so creeped out. Even the fact that he's 25 doesn't freak me out that much, although maybe it should, because that's seven whole years difference. Same as my parents, but the difference is that I'm just now a legal adult and he's been one for quite a few years now. So...okay well that is sort of weird.

God. When I was 10...he was 17.

When I was in the fourth grade...he was a junior or senior in HIGH SCHOOL.

OH GOD OH GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD ALRJFLAJFRLASJFALFJ

Yeah, no. Sorry English Teacher. You may be hot and a book nerd at the same time which is admittedly rare, and I might reply to you just to thank you for complimenting my writing skills (because that was awfully nice of you) but I can't pursue this. No, no. You just...you just stop flaunting your hotness around and act like a proper authority figure and I'll act the complete opposite of jailbait as possible, and we'll just keep this nice and platonic. Just like you said.

Okay. Yeah. Sounds good to me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(ps: Two entries in one day! Told you my writer's block was gone! By the way, happy 100th entry to me!)

Labels: 100th entry, drew, English Teacher, okcupid, online dating, senior year

"Hey there. I'm Max*. You sound pretty rad--though I've been a bit intimidated to message you, seeing as how I don't do much reading. (I assume by reading you mean reading novels. In this case, the last book I read was Crime and Punishment and that was quite awhiles ago. I'm sad to say it but I mostly read technical literature.) I decided to get over it, though. Your being pretty is a good motivator. How much High School do you have left?"

Hello, Max/British Doctor man. When I looked at your profile after we began talking for a while, I was very impressed to see that you're studying in London for your Ph. D. Very impressed. And don't ask why I gave you this nickname, seeing as you're not really British and you're not a doctor yet. Just roll with it.

However, I also saw that you're leaving my city to go back to London to continue studying in a matter of a week.

Thanks for asking me to coffee. You're very nice, and cute, and polite, and I wish you all the luck in the world for your Ph. D.
But dude, come on. You're going back to England. Even if we hit things off and we decided right on the first date we wanted to have a white picket fence and hordes of 75% black 25% white children, long distance is a killer. You'll be living your fabulous London 21 year old college life, and I'm a mid-western homeschooled High School girl with no driver's license. Of course, you don't know this yet, and something tells me all of this wouldn't go very well.

So I'll have to say no this time. But I hope you find a British girl that tickles your fancy (was that inappropriate in this context?). Go get 'em!

Sincerely,

Sarah

PS: And to Drew, whom revived his OKCupid profile a little while ago not-so-subtly, please stop creeping on my profile. I can see when you visit it, which is every day since you brought back your account, and quite frankly, it's weirding me out. Thank you.

Labels: british doctor man, drew, okcupid

Internet! It's been a while, hmm?

Since the last time I updated, I've been living my summer to the fullest as possible. (Well, the fullest for me, at least.) I've made it a point to try new things this summer, even if they were really small new things. Things that I've done so far include:

• Going to a renaissance fair for the first time. Most. Amazing. Place. Ever. I even ate a giant turkey leg (who goes to one and doesn't eat a giant turkey leg?!) I'm going back again before summer ends, for sure.
• Got feather extensions. At first I was worried about how they would look, but I love them! I want to get more put in soon.
• Going to the park at least 3 times a week to read. No reason I can't seeing as I live right by one, it's just a short walk over. One of life's most looked over pleasures, I think.
• Filled out and submitted a job application. My first ever. For Barnes & Noble, too! I didn't get a call back (and didn't expect one either, to be honest, considering I have no experience with work AT ALL) but I'm proud of myself for even gathering the guts to do it at all.
• First responsibility as a legal adult: letting in a water heater inspector even though my parents weren't home at the time. He was kind of old, so I wasn't threatened or nervous. When I let him know I was 18 and it was okay for him to come in, he just looked at me skeptically like he didn't believe me (can't say I blame him, darn my height!) but in the end it was all fine. Hooray for adult responsibility! (I probably won't be saying that in 3 years.)
• Started watching less TV. Our bills stacked up and we got the cable turned off for about 2 and a half weeks, and for the first time since I got a TV in my room when I was 11, I had to find stuff to do other than watching TV all the time. At first I got on this movie watching kick, but when I watched through every single one of my DVD's in 4 days flat I started finding other things to do. At first I thought it was torture, but then I realized how much time I waste in front of the television everyday. We have our cable turned on again, but that whole experience really made me want to stop taking privileges for granted. It's also made me want to accomplish other things during the day instead of just channel surfing and turning on the TV for background noise.
• Started drinking more water. You know, the 8 glasses a day thing? That. Ever since I was a kid, I never really drank stuff often. Not for any particular reason, I just drank when I was really really thirsty, but never with meals, and whenever I'd start a drink it would take me forever to finish it. It wasn't a conscious thing, just a habit I guess. But I've worked on drinking water, water only, and tons of it. I sound like a commercial, I know, but I really have been feeling better lately. Not only does it make me feel refreshed, but my skin has been clearing up lately too. Water, people. That stuff is GOOD.
• Started eating better in general. Not that I've been on a diet or anything, but I've just been eating healthier. More fruits, more yogurt, more vegetables. I've been eating salads at least 4 times a week, and I've been eating less ridiculous sized portions with everything else. It helps me feel healthier, and I feel more satisfied than when I just eat junk.

And aside from all those things, I've also taken a cold shower (broken water heater for two weeks, take it from me and never take an ice cold shower, it's much worse than it sounds.), made homemade ice cream in a plastic bag (which I hadn't done since elementary school!), read through 4 books, and watched through an entire Korean drama in 3 days (that's nothing new at all obviously, but I just thought I'd put that here too).

One other thing I've done this summer was go to an old classmate's wedding. She isn't in my grade, she graduated 2010. She's 19, and I went to her wedding.

Internet, I'm telling you. It was so surreal. I've known this girl since the summer after I was in the 5th grade. Pretty long. And I went to her wedding.

Her and her (now) husband have been together for 4 years. I'd always see them in the school hallways together, in fact, I can never remember them apart, ever.
Of course, as you can imagine, I was a bit skeptical when I first heard about the wedding. I mean, how many 19 year olds do you see getting married and having their marriage last?

But it wasn't until I saw her walk down the aisle in that wedding dress that it really hit me that she loved this man enough to want to spend the rest of her life with him.

Best Friend Rose and I cried like babies during that ceremony. I never cry at weddings, never. But hell, from the moment she walked out in her dress, we started crying.

There was one moment during that wedding, one image from the ceremony that will probably be imprinted in my memory for a very long time: after lighting a unity candle together, this woman was singing a beautiful song for them, and they just stood together by the candle, facing each other and holding hands; gazing at each other with this look of pure joy that immediately made me burst into a new round of tears. Because if I could ever claim to have ever witnessed what young love looks like, real pure young love, that was it. The sight of it raised goosebumps on my skin, and it's something that I hope I never ever forget.

It's crazy to think that I'm starting to get old enough now for people I know around my age starting to get married. Some are having kids too, but that's a whole other story.

Well, in other news, I'm over Drew. Completely.

Thank you guys for your comments and emails regarding everything, I really appreciated them, even though I didn't get to reply to all of them. I really was thisclose to confronting him about it, to asking him straight up, 'Look, did you like me or not? And if you did, why did you lose interest so fast?' But after thinking about it, I'd probably rather just look at what his actions told me instead.

Also, after getting impatient with him before, asking him any kind of serious question at all at this point would most likely scare him off for good (not that I'd really mind either way, considering we're not talking anymore, but I don't need him telling his friends about the psycho he almost liked/dated.) Plus, Drew doesn't seem to like confrontation very much. Wouldn't want him to pee his pants in fright, now would we?

(Yes we would.)

Anyhow, I've already moved on, and it doesn't bother me so much anymore. That was that, and it's over now. It feels good to bounce back from something like this so quickly. Maybe it was because I didn't quite like him just yet, even though I was sure I was starting to. Maybe resolution #8 wasn't so useless after all.

And as disappointing this whole deal turned out to be, I did learn from it. If anything, I can thank Drew for my first date, and for letting me remember what it's like to be excited about a boy again. I had begun to forget, it had been so long. Even if it didn't turn into anything, at least I had the experience at all.

I'm ready to accomplish more this summer, Internet. Are you ready for this?

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: drew, love, summer, weddings

So, Internet.

A few hours after the last entry, by that point, I had pretty much just had it, so I texted Drew. I had basically prepared myself for the worst, mostly because of his sudden weird and distant behavior. So, in my mind, things were most likely already finished.

But I text him anyway. And the whole conversation goes slowly downhill with every passing message. It goes like this:

Then, I proceeded to stop replying, so I can leave with at least some dignity left (or without taking my fury out on him. Which I very much felt like doing.).

Oh-ho-kay. Well where do I start? Do I start with how he was so obviously uninterested in talking to me? Or should I start with how I practically had to dig for a compliment and he ended up insulting me instead?

This is exactly why I don't think our little 'meeting' was a date at all. He hardly ever flirted with me before meeting me, and whenever he did it was usually just a ';)'. Which sometimes doesn't even count as flirting, in my opinion.

And the one compliment he gave me before we met? That I looked like a chipmunk. Because of my cheeks. He claimed he didn't mean for it to be mean. Oh, really? Well I've only had a complex about my cheeks since the 6th grade, so thank you so much for that.
I didn't say anything about it at the time, but it did bother me. A lot.

And so after our 'meeting', he completely stopped initiating conversation. I mean, completely. I simply don't get how if he apparently liked my personality before we met (he had to have at least liked my personality, or else he wouldn't have wanted to meet me. At all.) how it could have gone so sour after meeting me face-to-face for the first time.
I mean, my logic here: boy likes personality = boy likes appearance. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? Am I insane here for assuming??

And god forbid I actually be nervous meeting someone that I might like for the first time. This isn't like people who already know each other for a while going out for a date. This was my first time meeting him, ever. Why wouldn't I be nervous?

CAN I JUST SAY: yes, I am awkward around new people. It can take me a while to warm up to people when I first meet them. Sometimes I don't know what to say to them, or how to start a conversation. But after I warm up to people, I'm just fine. I can act 100% myself, and I'm perfectly comfortable.

Being shy is something that I've been consciously working on for a while. And so for someone--someone I don't even really know, in fact--to say that I was awkward, after only meeting me once for two hours, it was like a slap in the face.
Plus, the 'awkward homeschooler' stereotype is something that very much irks me, which is why it bothered me even more.

And it wasn't like he particularly did anything to make me comfortable with him. The whole time, he was either standing by me silently and staring at me with his hands in his pockets, walking off to go sit somewhere, or muttering something so quiet that sometimes I'd have to ask him to repeat himself. Hell, just the fact that he talked like Michael Cera could have been enough for me to throw back in his face.

But did I do that? No.
Because I knew he would most likely act differently once he opened up. I was willing to wait and see when that happened to really determine his personality.

And it really really bothers me that he's not giving me that chance. That he either saw my awkwardness, my freaking chipmunk cheeks, or something else he didn't like that made him decide that talking to me wasn't even worth it anymore.

So. Needless to say, I'm not texting him again.

These past few days, I've just been trying to get over my anger about it all. I'm mostly over it now, but it still annoys me when I think about it. I had begun to like Drew because of his maturity and his general non-judgmental attitude about things, but I suppose that non-judgmental attitude of his didn't include my demeanor.

But, hey. I'm not going to trip over someone that wasn't even that into me. I'd rather be involved with someone that likes me, and I mean really likes me, for me. All of me.

So, Drew was a pretty big waste of my time. But at least I got a first date out of it. (I'll call it that, it makes me feel better.) And I can add that to my list of firsts this summer. Here's to more firsts to come!

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: drew, summer, well thats the end of that

First of all, Internet, let me just say that this is probably the quickest time that someone has lost interest in me. Probably record breaking, actually.

Not that that's saying much, though, because I think that brings the grand total of guys that have had interest in me to 5 since the beginning of middle school.

Let me explain. Remember last entry, when I said that there had been something related going on that I'd talk about later? Well. Here it is.

And I'm at least 96.99% sure that I'm not overreacting this time. Because here's the thing. Before Drew and I's meeting, or date (which I'm starting to think that maybe it wasn't a date in the first place--back to square one) he texted me first everyday, or at least every other day. And every once in a while I texted him first. And he always constantly seemed genuinely interested in talking to me, asking me questions about myself, stuff that shouldn't even matter, but it mattered to him.

Now, after our date, he texted me once right after I got home, apologizing for 'being boring because he was exhausted'(on account of the late night shift he works at a hospital), which I assured him was fine, and that I had a great time.

After that? Nothing, basically.
The day after that, I texted him first, and his answers were short and distracted. Which I got, really, since he said he was hiking. So after a few exchanges, I left it at that, because I didn't want to bug him. Then passes two more days without a text from him. A little odd, considering how he had wanted to talk to me so much before, even if it was irrelevant and pointless conversation.

By now, it's Thursday. After I write the last entry on here, I text him to see how he is. Conversation seems a little more normal than the last time we talked. He mentions that he's been sick and super busy.
Which seems perfectly acceptable to me, except after the conversation ends (abruptly and two hours later, which probably meant he fell asleep, but doesn't settle well with me that much either because he used to say goodnight before he went to bed before) when I think about how he'd been plenty busy before and still at least tried to talk to me.

So now it's five days later. I've waited to see if he would get curious enough about how I'm doing to text me, but he hasn't. I would text him first again, but by now I think I would come off as a bit desperate.

I suppose, Internet, that this is Drew's way of telling me he isn't interested anymore. Or maybe he wasn't even interested to begin with, I don't know. I just wish he'd tell me if he was or not, I hate beating around the bush about these things, and I really can't take a hint. I need to hear it for myself. I feel like I deserve that, at least.

Either way, I'm disappointed. Up to last week, I had kept my hopes back, knowing that it could go either way, but I suppose they got away from me. Though, I don't really know how they couldn't have, I thought the date(or non-date) went well, to be honest.

I mean, after a good first date, can you blame me? I admit, I got hopeful. But maybe it didn't go as well as I thought it did.

I knew there was a possibility that it could all end, I just didn't think it would end so soon. But at least we weren't together at all. I think it would've been worse that way.

Well, Internet. It begins again. Here's to the single life.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: disappointment, drew, summer, well thats the end of that

Internet. You don't know how long I've been waiting to say those words. My first date.

It feels so foreign to say that/type that. Especially in relation to my personal life. But there it is. I'm sorry for the slight delay, as something else has been going on that's pretty related to this, but I'll get to that later.

So. Our date.

Best Friend Rose stayed over the night before, helping me agonize over the perfect outfit (and even lending me a sweater of her own, because I need to go shopping for cuter/more summery clothing). And her staying the night was also a part of this...well, plan that we had.
Yes. A plan. I'm talking a full-on cliche Disney Channel show type plan.

Now, BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT: It wasn't too dramatic. Or weird. Not really. It just involved BFR walking into the bookstore 10 minutes after me, walking around and looking at stuff out of the way and unnoticed, but also staying on location just in case the date went really awful and I needed a backup plan. Of course, I never ended up needing her, and we got to avoid any awkward lines like, 'Oh my god, Rose! I had NO idea that you'd be here! What a complete and totally unplanned coincidence!!"

Immature? Totally. Not even gonna pretend that it wasn't. But I have to admit, knowing Rosie was there helped alleviate my nervousness a little. It helped knowing that if it turned out to be a disaster, I wasn't completely alone and unarmed.

But, don't worry Internet. No convoluted Junior High-like plan next time. Cross my heart!

But anyway, onto the actual date:

I show up a few minutes later than he does, so I have to go find him. For a minute or two, I just stand there, looking lost and confused, and one of the guys working there just kind of looks at me like, 'Are you okay?'

So, I text Drew to ask him where he is in the store, and he tells me he's in Non-fiction. I glance around, and I find that non-fiction is just in the next room over. I try to calm my breathing, ignore the fact that my knees are quivering like leaves in a breeze, and enter the room.

I immediately see a boy sitting in a chair, in a red shirt, jeans and sneakers, reading a book in his lap. My heart leaps into my throat, and I grip my phone in my hand tightly as I start to approach him.
He's so engrossed in his book that he doesn't hear me walking towards him, so as I get closer, I swallow hard and force out a "hey" that I hope sounds nice and relaxed at the same time, all the while realizing that it'll be the very first time he hears my voice.

He looks up, maybe kind of taken aback, and then slowly closes his book and stands from his chair. "Hey," he says back.

I stop in front of him and grope for words for a few moments. I initiate a side hug, for reasons completely unknown to me because I hate side hugs, and the resulting one is really stiff and quick and kind of awful. "So, it's nice to finally meet you." I say, trying to still sound cool and collected even though I'm suddenly terrified because here I am, right in front of him, and I don't know what to say.

He smiles. "It's nice to finally meet you, too."

I smile wider, but it's like my cheeks can't take the exertion from smiling so much, and they start to hurt. After a somewhat awkward few moments, I throw my hands up. "So, should we take a look around?" I suggest.

"Sure," he says, and nods, and then starts to walk toward the door, and I follow.

We go to the fiction section first, and it's huge, so I say 'wow'. And he says something about them remodeling since he'd last been there. For a few moments I'm legitimately distracted by all the tall shelves of books around me, but then I come back to the present and realize that it's very quiet between us. I steal a quick glance at him, and he looks somewhat uneasy. I decide to say something, anything at all.

"Ohh, Stephen King!" I say, pointing to an entire shelf of his books. "They have a lot of his books."

"Yeah, they do." He agrees.

I say something about not reading a lot of his books, although I want to, and he says something about his Gunslinger series. While he's talking, he kind of trips over his words and stutters, and I notice distantly that the way he talks reminds me of Michael Cera.

So he wanders off to one of the other shelves, and I kind of stay where I am, wondering why he decided to walk away all of a sudden, and then my questions are answered when he comes back with the first book of the Gunslinger series. I take it, only really mildly interested in it, and ask him what it's about. He explains it all, and I nod slowly like I'm interested.

"Well then," I say, shrugging. "It sounds really interesting. I guess I'll have to get it!" And I look over and he looks pretty satisfied, so I decide I will get it after all.

After that, we continue looking, and a black cat jumps on top of the bookshelf next to us. I mention how I've always wanted a cat, and he tells me his family has 5 cats as well as 3 dogs and for him, a tarantula (Ew.) I respond jealously, saying that I wished I had that many pets, and he suggested that I could after I move out. And during this, I finally get the guts to look at him more directly, and I realize that he's cute. Like, really freaking cute.
Slight deliberate scruff, hazel eyes, long eyelashes, nice dirty blonde hair(meaning the color dirty blonde, not meaning that his hair was dirty, it was actually really clean. And you probably knew that, but I thought I'd clear that up anyway.), white teeth, and dimples when he smiles. He's so attractive to me and every time I look directly at him, and he looks at me back, it's like I'm intimidated by his sheer attractiveness, and I have to look away.

So we decide to head to the upper level after that, where they keep the older paperbacks, and we wander around looking. It gets quiet at times, but he doesn't seem as uneasy as before, and by then I'd begun to feel strangely...calm. It's like a got all of my nervous out within the first 5 minutes, and then after that it was like I wasn't even nervous at all. For some reason.

So we're looking and occasionally making comments, like me commenting about how they had about 1000 copies of a book called "Easy Spanish" and a car manual in Japanese.

The bookstore cats decided to join us (one was named Pages and the other was named Chapter. Isn't that the CUTEST thing you've ever heard?!) and we pet them and watch them for a while. He picks up a book and starts to read it, and apparently it's funny because he chuckles at it every now and then. I ask him what's so funny, but he won't tell me, so I just smile and shake my head.

By now we're getting along pretty well, and so we decide to go to non-fiction, where I found him first. We look at stuff, and after I pick up a Chicken Soup book, I tease him about how he should get a Marilyn Monroe biography. And then I tell him how it bugs me when celebrities get biographies written about them even when they're still alive. So then he tells me that he'll get a biography made about him now, just to piss me off. I laugh.

Fast forward through us looking at cookbooks (and me telling him I'm not a very good cook--but get this--he is.), me finding a dictionary/thesaurus/common misspellings book and keeping it to buy, and going to put back my Alfred Hitchcock short stories book, and we headed to look at the books at the front of the store.
As I stare at a shelf, he comes up behind me (and scares the crap out of me, by the way) to hand me a newer copy of the Stephen Kind book he found for me earlier. It's newer and sturdier and prettier than the other one, and so I decide to buy that one instead. He offers to take the old one back for me, and I thank him.

So then I spend about a thousand years looking at every book in that section, admittedly trying to stall a little. And during the last hour, we had one of the weirdest 10 minute awkward silences ever. I swear, it was that long. And I tried to seem engrossed in finding a book, but in reality I was poking and prodding my brain for something to say, anything, and I came up with nothing.

Finally, I said something about the Kite Runner, and I guess that just sparked conversation again, but that whole thing was weird.

Near the end, since I had already warned him that I had to leave around 12ish (my mom was providing the ride, and she had to be at work at like 1), he went ahead and paid for his one book. And when the time came for me to pay, as soon as I put my books on the counter, I realized with a horrifying chagrin that I had completely forgotten to bring my wallet.

I forgot to bring my wallet. To a bookstore.

But thank God, Drew had gone to wander someplace else, and he wasn't there to see. Completely red-faced, I told the cashier my situation, and he laughed it off, telling me that he could hold them for me until I could get my wallet from my mom's car. I thanked him, and went to go tell Drew my situation too. He laughed, but he didn't seem irritated or put off by it.

So we looked at children's books for like an entire fifteen minutes (got a bit awkward, considering there wasn't that many books in that section to look at in the first place, but not too bad) while I waited for a signal text from BFR to tell me that my mom was outside and that she was in the car. I finally excused myself and rushed out to the car to grab my purse (with my wallet in it) to pay for my things.

I pay for them, and then it was time to say goodbye.

We both walk slowly toward the entrance. I clap my hands together. "So," I try not to come off so eager. "This was fun."

He's looking down at me and smiling. "Yeah, it was. We should do it again."

I nod, trying not to look excited. He wants to see me again. "Yeah, definitely." I initiate another side hug, but this one was much better, more genuine instead of stiff. And he smells good. After we break the hug, I ask, "So, text you later?"

"Or course," he says.

So I (stupidly) say goodbye and walk out the door, and it's not until I'm halfway to my car that I realize we've done that say-goodbye-and-then-walk-in-the-same-direction thing. I turn and see him almost directly behind me, and I give this embarrassed sort of giggle, and he kind of does too. Then when we part ways, I wave, and he waves back.

And on the way home, I proceed to tell my mom and Best Friend Rose every single detail.

It was so not as bad as I expected it to go. In fact, it went pretty well. Despite forgetting my wallet and some awkward moments, I thought it went pretty dang swimmingly.

And Rose said whenever she saw us together, he was always smiling really big, and he kept staring at me. Which I can attest to, because whenever I'd be studiously looking at shelves of books, I'd suddenly feel him looking at me.

The whole rest of the day, I was so happy. I finally get why people who first start dating someone are so freakishly happy all the time, because that's what happened to me. It was like I was floating. I couldn't stop giggling.

Not to get ahead of myself here, Internet, but I haven't acted that way about a boy in a very long time. I'd almost forgotten what it'd felt like.

I guess all I can do is sit back and see where it goes from here.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: dates, drew, firsts, summer

Well, Internet. This is it. No turning back now.

The morning of the day that I meet Drew.
Actually, we're meeting this morning due to certain circumstances. So in about two hours is when I meet him.

Not gonna lie. I'm scared shitless. I keep thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I keep wondering what he'll think of me. What I'll think of him.

But I'm trying not to overthink it. I'm doing my best not to. Or else I might scare myself enough not to go at all.
Because let's face it, Internet. If I can't do this--meet someone new, someone that's really nice to me and likes talking to me--then I will be single for a very, very long time. And it's spontaneous. But maybe I need to be more spontaneous instead of just sitting holed up in my house practically all day.
It's new for me, and it's scary. But if not now, then when?

Like, I'm excited. Don't get me wrong. But I'm just...so. Nervous. I feel like I'm getting ready to take my finals all over again.
What am I even doing on here?? I should be getting ready!!

Oh god. Here it goes.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: drew, life, summer

Internet. What have I done?

So. Since the last entry, I've still texted Drew everyday all day. And we talk about pretty much everything. Heck, I'm texting him as we speak.

And things are...well. I don't really know how things are. I mean, they're going great. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't even text me this often if they weren't.
But that's the thing. I'm starting to think that they're going too well.

Over the past few days, we've happened to talk about the different bookstores in town, like I'd mentioned last entry. I also mentioned last entry how he'd said, casually, that we should go to one together. After that one time, he mentioned it once again.
Both times, I said sure, because it was all out in the open and no commitment yet, just at some indefinite time in the future, no big deal. Right?

Um. Well. Yeah, until he brought it up yesterday again. And for real this time.

Before I go there, I should say that yesterday, he talked about some more serious things, more serious topics than we'd ever talked about before.
I dropped the big one on him, and by big one I mean the fact that I've never had a boyfriend before. Only I tried to make it sound more casual, more like, 'I've never really dated anyone before,' instead of, 'I'VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND WHY AM I SO ALONE' or something to that effect. And he was completely cool about it, saying, "Not weird at all, probably for the best."

And then he told me a super personal story about how bad his last relationship was. To be fair, though, I asked, so he was just answering my question. Basically, it was all about how he dated this girl who his best friend (a lesbian) had gone out with her first (therefore causing him to hide this dating relationship from his best friend), and how his ex was this psycho goth chick that flirted and made out with anything with two legs (all behind his back during their 9 month relationship) and then proceeded to sleep with this 30 year old dude and start a thing with him, thereby ending her relationship with Drew.

Okay. Did that shock you as much as it shocked me? Because it shocked the hell out of me.

I mean not that I expected it to be a story with rainbows and sunshine, but it really caught me off guard. I feel like it would be something I'd see on Secret Life (by the way, I'm so unimpressed by that show lately. Before, it was so bad that it was good, now it's just really bad.)

I didn't even know what to say. It was an extremely personal story, something that he had trusted me enough to tell me. And this threw me for a huge loop.

One thing about me, Internet, that I'm not proud of at all is that I can be extremely selfish in my dealings with other people sometimes. I'll start getting to know someone new (and anyone, not just guys), the real them, and then they'll tell me something so dark and heavy and personal about themselves, and for some reason, I'll start to pull away from them. It's like I can't handle the full reality of them, like I expect everyone else to be perfect and flawless and have perfect lives. And then when I find out that they aren't, my entire image of them shatters, and I suddenly want nothing to do with them.

I don't know why I do this, I really don't. And I hate that I do. It's like some part of me that I can't help.
I haven't always been like this, though. All of my closest friends, I've accepted them with my whole heart. It's just been as of late, and I can really only think of 2 instances of when I've done this before. But maybe it's because I'm older now, and I'm generally more wary of everyone, less trusting. I don't know.

So, after I learn this new bit of information, I feel like there's this new expectation of me. This brand new, heavy expectation is on my shoulders now, and to be honest, it freaks me the hell out.

I finally reply, telling him how sorry I am that he had to go through that, all the while trying to sound like it didn't freak me out in the slightest, even though it kind of did.

After that, he kind of switches the subject back to me, and I can tell it's kind of a sore subject for him, which is totally understandable. He asks about the guys I almost came close to dating, and I tell him all about Ricky Bobby (very, very briefly), the other legally blind Ricky Bobby that asked me out a billion times over text (reference point, here), and Phil. There are a few other insignificant small stories I could have told him about, but I didn't bother.

So then, after I finish telling him about how Phil was obsessed with his money, out of the blue, he asks, "So, when are we exploring a bookstore, hmm?"

Before, when he suggested that we go to one together, it just kind of seemed like an obligatory, 'Yeah, we're friends! Let's prove it to the world by hanging out and taking 1000 pictures of us together to put on Facebook!" One of those things that most people talk about doing, but rarely ever mean.

I just assumed this was one of those. I just assumed he would keep saying this, feeling obligated to say it, and then one day he'd officially get bored of me and it would never happen.

But then here this was, right in front of my face.

I tried to bullshit out of it. "Hmm, I don't know! I'm busy the rest of this week and this weekend, so I'm not sure. When would be good for you?" (Yeah, me. Busy. Uh huh. Busy catching up on the shows on my DVR.) After he told me in about a week or two, I said, "Well, whatever works is cool with me!" all while intending to say that I was busy for whatever day he'd say. But he figured me out.

"Lol. Figure out a day and which bookstore and how we're doing it. :P"

I must have gaped at my phone for an entire five minutes. Damn it, he was good.
So then, I go into full-on panic mode and text Best Friend Rose an entire caps-lock rant, and the gist of it's a little something like, "DREW WANTS TO MEET HE WANTS TO MEET OH MY FREAKING GOD TELL ME WHAT TO DO JDGJGDJGDJG HELP MEEEEEEEEE"

I had to send it like 4 times because for some irritating reason, Best Friend Rose decided at that very vital moment to either have her phone away from her or be distracted. Then, when she finally replied, I gave her a little more explanation, and then she very cruelly decided that it would do me some good for her not to tell me how to handle my guy problems for once.
And then I nearly threw my phone across the room, wanting very badly to hire a voodoo priest to make a voodoo doll BFR so I could throw M&M's at it and then real M&M's would fly at real Best Friend Rose's face and she'd keep wondering where in the world those M&M's were coming from. That would show her. Mmhmm.

So after about 45 minutes of intense thought, and torturing myself over what to say, I finally gave in, telling him that anytime after this weekend I would be free, and that we could meet there.

And so he picks Tuesday.

TUESDAY. FUCKING NEXT TUESDAY.

Excuse the language, but I thought it was pretty appropriate, considering this is the moment when I feel my heart squeeze and then drop like a tightly closed fist into my stomach.

So what do I say? No? No! I can't say no, because I do want to meet him. I swear I do. We have tons in common, get along really well, and I'm pretty sure I would hate myself if I don't take this chance, because I knew I'd regret it if I didn't. So I say that it's fine. And I feel something crawling up my throat and a wave of nausea hits me.

Shortly after that, he tells me goodnight, and he goes to bed. And I start to get dizzy, start to feel tears stinging the back of my throat. Why?

Because I'm terrified.

I can honestly say that I've hardly ever felt a fear like that before, Internet.
I can't put my finger on why the panic hit me so suddenly. Maybe it was because I'm terrified of change, terrified of not knowing things, terrified of not feeling in control, and this situation involved all three.

Maybe it was because this whole thing became a lot more real than I ever thought it would.

I usually cry to relieve stress when I'm overwhelmed, or when I'm panicking. Both of which I felt at that moment. I did okay at first. Only cried for about a few minutes. I did alright.
Until this morning. Because right when I woke up, I remembered exactly what worries had kept me awake for quite a while the night before. And I walked straight downstairs to talk with my mom. And I flipped out. Full-on sobbing, shaking, getting dizzy, everything. And I told her everything.

Mind you, me and my mom are thisclose. She's one of my best friends, I swear, and I talk to her about everything.
So we talk about this, after her trying to get me to calm down (which didn't work, because I probably cried for an hour straight anyway) and we both decide that I'm definitely not ready to meet him Tuesday. After telling me that she was willing to give me a ride there (which I'd need either way because I still don't have my license), she tells me that she could probably only do it during the weekday about two weeks from now, since she has work. This sounds a lot more graspable to me.

So in the end, I told Drew today that next week wouldn't work after all, and that I could probably do the week after. He was fine with it, to my relief. I didn't want him to think I was canceling because I wasn't interested in meeting him, because I am. Like, I really am. Probably more than I should be.

I'm still nervous and scared as hell, but I've calmed down a lot, considering I finally stopped crying like a big fat ridiculous crybaby. But is this considered a date? I have NO IDEA.

It sounds more like hanging out, just a kind of getting-to-know-you thing, but even then, thinking about it still makes me want to throw up.

At this point, I don't even know what's going on. I thought he wasn't interested in me in that way at all. Not the slightest bit.
But the past few days he's gotten a bit...not flirtier, really. Maybe. More open, I guess? He's been joking with me and teasing me more, but that doesn't say anything, not really.

But THEN two days ago, completely randomly and out of the blue, he sent me a goodnight text. A goodnight text message. Do guy friends do that? And he seems like he really wants to meet me. A lot. Why?

I'm so confused Internet. I'm completely lost. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Ever. I don't know what to do.

I'm starting to think that maybe I bit off more than I could chew.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: drew, life, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, summer

INTERNET. I'M FREE.

Yes. I'm free from the hellish, insane clutches of the last few weeks of school. Thank god because I literally thought I was about to die. Or have a spontaneous nervous breakdown in front of hundreds of strangers, complete with sobbing, shrieking, and breaking nearby objects.

But I didn't! I feel reborn! :D

I did have a certain unfortunate mishap with one of my finals, but I'm in the summer spirit right now, so I'll get to that later, I promise.

But besides that, I'm super relieved and happy that it's over. Junior Year seemed at the same time super quick and sluggish. And it was also both manageable and painfully challenging. But it's all over now.

Now I can focus on writing and reading for fun instead of for school! :D
(Don't you love my outrageous nerdiness?)

I can also watch k-dramas until the sun rises! And watch movies whenever I want! And hang out with my friends 24/7 if I want! I LOVE SUMMER.

Speaking of love, Internet, I have some important updates. I suppose I should start here: last Monday was my 3rd blog-a-versary!
I didn't have time to make a commemorative blog entry for it (that and I also kind of maybe forgot), but still, here we are, on my 80th entry. Last year on my blog-a-versary, it was when I had just found out that Ricky Robby was moving back. Interesting what can happen in a year, isn't it?

Back then I was still getting used to the idea of him being back here, and now a year later, I've seen him again, basically got kicked to the side again, got over him, and now I...have a new crush?

HONESTY TIME INTERNET.

I know I said I wasn't taking the whole online dating OKCupid thing seriously. And I'm still not. In fact, I haven't logged on there for the past 3 days, I kind of loathe it because I'm so popular with the weird guys and pervs and I don't know why. I mean I wrote all over my profile about how nerdy I am and the nerdy things I do, and somehow people still want to talk to me. I don't get it. Maybe that's their thing? (That's so creepy oh my god.)

But. But. The guy I started talking to. Not the 22 year old from Michigan. I probably stopped talking to him a few days after my last entry. Nothing exciting there.
Not him. But the 19 year old from one city over. The one that I talk about nerdy stuff with.

I think he deserves a nickname, because I have a feeling I'm going to be talking about him on here for a while. We'll call him Drew.

Drew and I, after about a good 3 weeks of talking back and forth on OKC, finally exchanged numbers on Friday, so we could text. The past 3 days, we've texted all day.

.....

All day.

The reason why this is such a huge deal is because I don't text anybody all day. Sometimes Best Friend Rose, on occasion. But especially not guys. In fact the last guy I texted before Drew was Johnny, and that was just to thank him for my birthday voicemail.
...Actually, I can't even recall the last guy I texted recently before Johnny.

This just doesn't happen.

The first day we texted I shrieked and giggled every time I got a message from him. And I tried very desperately to get a hold of myself every time I did it because for God's sake I don't even know him. I haven't even met him.

But just the idea that I've been texting a guy, a guy that seemingly wants to talk to me in the first place, it's kind of...unsettling to me. In a good way. I think.

I don't know. I just...never expected this to ever happen in the first place, so now that it actually might be, I don't even know how I feel.

This isn't like whenever I happened to text with Phil (which I can literally count on one hand), and every single time, it would be like, "Hey whats up?" "Not much, you?" "Nm either." "Cool." "Cool." -End Conversation-.

Every time I talk to him, it's like I'm talking to an actual person. Like, not just a shallow 'conversation' when they're either talking to you because their bored or they're obligated to. I feel like he's actually interested about my life. It's real conversation. It shouldn't be something that's so rare, but it is. And this is honestly the first time I've ever been able to talk to a guy that way.

I told him about my online school. He didn't think it was weird. I told him about how I want to be a writer. He didn't ask why, or even give me the "So...how are you going to make that a living?" response that I've begun to get used to. He thought it was really cool, and even wanted to read a short story of mine sometime in the future. I've told him about my unnatural obsession with Asia. He was cool about it, and even admitted he really liked Asian culture when he was younger.

This is bad, Internet. Very bad.

I just. I JUST. I DON'T KNOW.

Like just a few entries ago I was talking about I DON'T WANT TO DATE and JANE AUSTEN and WOE IS ME and RELATIONSHIPS SUCK but now....this?

No matter what, I'm not going to get my hopes up. No way.
This is what I've been trying so hard to avoid. I can't make myself vulnerable. I can't set myself up for this. I'm not ready.

For all I know, he could just be thinking that he found a good nerd buddy to talk about stuff with while he's bored at his job. He hasn't even flirted with me.

Well...I mean, I'm oblivious and untalented in the flirting department, and I couldn't even flirt with a wall, but I'm pretty sure I'd realize when someone is flirting with me. Most of the time I do. Mostly because it's really rare, and moments like that for me are like finding Waldo.

But I don't think he has. He's just really...nice. And friendly. So, this isn't definite. Nothing is definite yet. So I'm not getting my hopes up.

One thing worth noting, though, is this: After telling me about all the used bookstores in town (which I had NO IDEA about), and me telling him how much I wanted to visit them after he told me about them, he said, and I quote, "If we ever get acquainted enough we'll definitely go to one. Probably all of them. :P"

Not getting my hopes up. Hopes are not up. They are most definitely not up. They're down, way down, on the ground, where they should be. Okay.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: anniversary, drew, junior year, okcupid, summer

present me past me