There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
if you'd like to be listed here, let me know!
Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Internet. Here it is. Explanations and updates.

Basically, let's cut to the chase: 
1. Decent first kisses with someone doesn't guarantee a thing. 
And 2. Being super freaking crazy attracted to someone doesn't make them less of an asshole.

Let's start with number 1. Luke.

I wanna make this very clear: Things were going great at first. Truly. We had great conversations, we got along fantastically. Our kiss was (though I have no frame of reference) very nice. I'm super happy with the fact that my first kiss ever was such a sweet, pleasant memory. (Especially after waiting so damn long for it to happen.) And he was really good at touching my face and smoothing my hair the way it turns out I reaaaaally like. (Like, really really really.)



But...here's the thing. Things kinda just...dwindled afterwards. We had actually originally planned for a 2nd date the same weekend I met Jacob, but Luke's dog fell really ill and ended up needing surgery, so he needed to take care of him. I completely understood, and I also felt horrible for his puppy and wished him a fast recovery.

During that whole thing, I texted him a lot less and gave him space, considering he was having a hard time. And so, just before that time of less talking, I matched with Jacob on Tinder. (More on him soon after this, promise.)

We talked. And the more I talked to Jacob, the more interest I had in him, and the less interested I was in Luke. Being really, truly honest here. And yes, I felt guilty about losing interest in Luke, especially since the only reason we had cancelled our date at the movies was because of his poor doggy.

But to be fair, I didn't really have any feelings for Luke. I tried to, I really did. I had nice kiss feelings, and wow-we-have-a-lot-in-common feelings, but nothing beyond that. It was like Brennan all over again (minus the kiss). That was why I was going to give a 2nd date a shot for the very first time--to see if there was potential for any feelings at all to develop. But after that 2nd date was cancelled, it was never rescheduled. So, really, there was no reason for me to feel guilty anyway, seeing as he'd likely changed his mind too.



No harm, no foul. It just didn't work out. But Luke gave me a pleasant 'first kiss' memory, and he never treated me badly. I'll always appreciate that.

So long, Luke. Good luck to ya.

Now onto number 2: Jacob. Ugh. Here we go.

Like I said, me and Jacob started talking sometime after my first date with Luke, and we set up a date for the day Luke and I had originally planned to go out.

I hadn't expected much from Jacob, truthfully--our conversations over text were boring and kinda shallow. He could decently hold a conversation over text, though (no one-word answers) so I figured it couldn't hurt to meet him.

I met him in the same Starbucks I'd met Luke at, and...well. Let's just say I'd greatly underestimated how attracted I would be to him. By liiike, a LOT.

I was GOBSMACKED by how attractive Jacob was. Holy freakin' hell. Remember Andy Sixx? Yeah. THAT hot. (Yup. I can still admit this now, though things between us imploded and rained down upon the earth in flaming pieces. But more on that soon.)
I didn't think the alt/scene look was still A Thing, but apparently it is. Or maybe it's coming back. And as it turns out, I still think it's hot as hell. And the whole thing--long hair, tight pants, and tonnnnnnns of tattoos, yeah. He pulls it off.  And inner 16 year old me couldn't believe someone this super fucking hot wanted to go on a date with ME. My mind was blown.


(Also, I didn't mention this: before we even met, he'd also asked me if I wanted to go see Suicide Squad...which at the time, wasn't coming out for 2 and a half months. Dude was so excited to date me he wanted to schedule dates almost 3 months in advance. Sheesh. Slow your roll, man.)

He was hot in his pictures, too, but honestly I'd thought they were maybe edited. When we first matched, I'd actually shown all of my friends his pictures, because I was positive that it was a fake profile and that someone was Catfishing me.

In person, I was positively SHAKEN by how hot he was. I kept my composure pretty well, I think, but geez Louise. I wasn't ready.


And that is how my last update came to be--cryptic and deep.

One time meeting this guy, and my immediate attraction to him had me thinking that I'd finally found someone I genuinely wanted to date, for the first time in freakin' years. I hadn't been immediately attracted to someone like that since Kenneth--and even crazier, we had a great time at Starbucks. We got along great, conversation was fun and easy.

That's where that RB comparison came from--I hadn't felt that way since him. And we had a lot in common, too: our love of comic books, Japan, and the fact that both of us were in online school in high school. YES INTERNET. HE WAS IN ONLINE SCHOOL TOO. That HAD to mean something, right?! That had to mean it was fate!!

...So, understandably, I got ahead of myself.

So that brings us to where this went on a flaming fat rocket to the seventh layer of Hell.

Jacob and I had planned to go the movies the very next weekend (suggested by me...I'm not great at date ideas, okay?), and once again this would've been my first 2nd date ever. He was enthusiastic about the idea and immediately said yes.

We hadn't planned out the finer details of everything yet, and conversation over the week was light and not as often, which I figured was normal. But then the day before our date came, so I texted him to schedule out the final stuff--what movie we were seeing, what time would be best for both of us, etc.

And...no reply.

Hours later, I try to text him a second time, thinking he just hadn't seen my first one. And...still nothing. Zip. Zero.

Since I had been through this same song and dance earlier this year with Amad, I knew exactly what was going on. I was being blown off. AGAIN.



I waited 4 more hours. Still no response. By now I'm really getting agitated. In my annoyance, I decide to open Instagram and scroll through it to calm down. Before I start scrolling down my timeline, as always, I check my activity feed to see who else is on Instagram.

And lo and behold, who do I see?

Yep. Jacob.

But he is not just on Instagram, which means that he was on his phone and had been for a while, he was liking girls' pictures. But not just any girls. Lingerie models. And nude models. By the droves. He was liking so many of them, and multiple pictures from each account, that now that I think about it, I'm convinced he was trying to get their attention so they would follow him back.

Hah. HAH. HAHAHA.

I exploded, y'all. On the inside, of course. Not on the outside. But I EXPLODED.

Not only was I being blown off by him, the night before our daytime date, but I was being ignored in favor of lingerie and nude models, with hundreds of thousands of followers, that will literally never in his life give him the time of day.

OH. HELL. NO.

So from there, I already knew what I had to do. My weeklong crush on him was officially dead and buried.



I texted him one last time. Knowing I couldn't call out him blowing me off without sounding psycho, I settled on passive aggressive cordiality. The message I sent him went something like, "Alright, I understand. No hard feelings. Have a nice Sunday! *smiling emoji*" After sending it, I turned my phone off, left it across the room, and went to bed early.

The next morning my phone was flooded with Jacob's half-assed apology--yeah, the next morning--and, because he just couldn't bear to be real with me, it was sprinkled with a lie. He claimed that he'd been asleep when I'd texted him, when in fact I'd texted him THREE TIMES THROUGHOUT THE DAY, and during the last of the 3, I had visual proof of him not being asleep.



So now, not only had he blown me off my scheduling our date to j*ck off to girls he'll never ever meet, but now he'd also LIED TO ME.

Yup. Yup. I was so done. I was so done that you couldn't stick a fork in me if you tried--I was solid, burnt, ruined food levels of DONE.

Calmly, I replied, telling him that since he hadn't answered me, I'd assumed that he'd changed his mind and decided to make other plans. (Plans to wrap myself up in blankets and pillows and read a book for the entire day, that is.) I told him if he wanted to make plans some other time, we'd have to schedule it ahead of time, since I was busy working the next weekend.
Notice the lack of any specific mention of rescheduling. He certainly did. He asked if we could do something the weekend after, and all he got was a 'we'll see :)', which meant 'definitely no, never, not on your life.'

I immediately deleted his number. After 4 unreturned likes on Instagram, he's finally gotten the point and left me alone.

You blew it, Jacob. See ya never. Good luck on your valiant mission to make your Instagram The Instagram Account With The Most Amount of Selfies With Literally 60 Hashtags Underneath Each One.

Needless to say, I've been listening to Lemonade nonstop lately. Ahh. It's like therapy. Thanks, Queen B.



I was left so angry and annoyed by this entire ordeal that I decided to delete my Tinder account 2 weeks afterwards.

I was tired of being blown off by these guys like my attention and time meant nothing. Jacob's lying to me was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

So...that's the whole story, Internet.

I think I'm done with dating for a while again, guys. This last stint has left me exhausted and annoyed by how impossible dating seems to be. It's shown me that, even when I don't run away and act like a coward (like I did with Brennan), even when I'm totally honest, totally myself, and totally open minded, things usually still don't work out. That's just how it is.

I've had my fill for this year. The rest of 2016, I'll only be focused on me.

I'll be focused on me, my dog-sitting doggies, my writing (which I'm doing right now, as a matter of fact. Doing the same summer writing challenge that I did last year!), my books, and possibly my return to school in the fall. Sounds pretty great to me.



xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: dates, disappointment, jacob, luke, online dating, tinder, well thats the end of that

Internet.

You know how some things aren't that hard to figure out? You immediately just instinctively know?

Think about the first time you ever had pizza (or, if you're one of the rare breeds of human out there that hates pizza, substitute this for another food that you could not live without). It was instant, right? Like, "Holy shit. This pizza thing. I love this stuff. I need more of it. I need endless pizza forever."

Or think about the first time you ever saw your favorite movie. The score tattooed itself on your heart the moment you heard it, and your favorite lines imprinted into your brain. The bittersweet moment the end credits started, you were filled with the overwhelming need to watch it again...and again and again and again.

Some things are just undeniable like that. You experience it and, right away, you like it. You know you without a doubt need more of this thing in your life or you will positively explode.

Some people are the same way. The moment I got to really know R*cky B*bby, it was like that. When I met some of my closest friends, it felt that way too.

Enter Jacob*.

Holy shit, Internet. This guy.

I don't have time to go into details and explanations just yet, but here are the need to knows: I had a first date with this guy, Jacob, this morning. After talking to him for a week.

And that feeling I was talking about? Yeah. So overwhelming that I had to write this short entry trying to put what I'm feeling into words and wrap my head around this.

Don't worry, more details are coming soon. But first I need to get some actual sleep, and calm all of these butterflies in my stomach. Hang tight.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: dates, jacob, tinder

Internet. What a night last night was.

I don't even know where to start. Not since high school have I had a night this significant.

To be honest...I didn't think I would ever be writing an entry like this. At least not for a good while longer. Receiving my first kiss was of course something I hoped for, but I never even fathomed that it could happen this year, even this week. But it did.

Let me start this crazy story from the beginning.

His name is Luke*.

I swiped right on Luke two weeks ago. We matched immediately.

It happened during a surprising, short lived burst of bravery I had on Tinder where I swiped right 4 TIMES in one session (unprecedented for me) and inexplicably matched with all four of them. Of the four, though, only 2 of them actually messaged me.

One was Luke, and one was a dude I'll call Roy*.

I texted them both at the same time for a day. Luke asked if we could "hang out sometime". I said sure, maybe next weekend (all the while in the back of my mind I was sure that I would bail last minute and say that I was busy).

Then for a few days Luke and I didn't talk, and I talked to Roy a lot more. Me and Roy had a ton of interests in common.

After another day or two, Roy asks me out, too. Like an idiot, I forget that I had already agreed to something with Luke that weekend, and I tell Roy, "Sure, I'll be free this weekend!"

Then...later, I remember. Crap. I double booked. This had never happened to me before. I hadn't ever had 2 people interested in me at the same time.

But, also remembering that Luke hadn't even talked to me in like 3 days, I shrugged it off. Our plans had never been solidified anyway, and he probably decided he didn't want to go out with me after all. Whatever. I was used to that at this point. AhemAMADcough. (Speaking of, guess who finally moved? Saw it on Instagram. Bon voyage, Amad. Have fun in La La Land.)

So, I carried on, fully convinced that that Roy and I would be going on a date.

Well...until Luke texted me on Wednesday.

Luke and I resumed talking, and weirdly, my conversation with Roy got abruptly cut off. I messaged him again to maybe start our talking again, thinking he just forgot to reply, but it was totally radio silence. Zero word from him since then.

So Luke and I text for 2 days straight now, and on Thursday night asks if I'd still like to hang out on Saturday.

Considering Roy presumably has fallen off the face of the planet at this point, and the more I talk to Luke the more I realize that we have more in common than Roy and I had in common, I say yes to Luke instead.

Friday...the panic starts to set in.

As much as Luke liked to call it "hanging out"...I knew it wasn't. I don't get why guys my age hate calling dates what they are, but they are dates, whether they want to call them that or not. This was a date date, and I hadn't been on a date since Brennan. (About a year and a half ago now.)

Crap. I had a date!!!! My knee was still hurting and I was still recovering from my near week-long impromptu sitting stint last week (long story). How was I supposed to go on a date?????

Then even more panic flooded in.

What if it went terribly and my impression of Luke was completely wrong? What if he was rude and narcissistic like Amad? What if he was nothing like his pictures and I was uncomfortable? Then, even worse--what if something was wrong with me?!?! What if he showed up, saw me, then immediately walked back out?



Then, worst of all: What if it went great for once? What would I do then? How would I handle it?

Ready or not, though Saturday finally came. As I always do for dates, I spent hours getting ready. (Spent a record 2 hours on my makeup. It looked great and I mean, for that crazy amount of time, it should have!) I pick out a cute yet casual outfit, complete with flat sneakers to accommodate my still healing knee. I do my hair in a cute yet not-too-fancy hairstyle.

Lo and behold, it was snowing. On the last day of April. I KNOW. The freezing weather made me not want to leave the house at all, as it always does, but in the end, I'm glad I did.

I finish getting ready, and by late afternoon, it's time to meet Luke.

Stepping out of the snowy tundra outside and into the warm coffee shop, I search for him at first. Not an easy task, considering I wasn't wearing my glasses (faux lashes make glasses impossible). Soon, though, I see a guy stand up from one of the tables and slightly wave at me, and I make my way over, my stomach in knots.

He greets me with a hug, and I hug him back. As I pull back, I try to read his face. I can't tell if he looks disappointed, disinterested, nervous, or if that's just his normal resting face.

I say I'm going to get my drink, and he says he'll buy my drink for me and comes with me. A little awkwardly, we walk over there together. He asks what I want, without thinking I blurt out, "Hot chocolate," and even though I love hot chocolate, this place has milk based hot chocolate. Since I'm lactose intolerant, that was maybe not the best choice. Oh well. Too late to take it back.



He kindly pays for both drinks and we sit at the table. I get another good look at him, and I realize his whole face is red. He also avoids prolonged eye contact with me--which is usually just my problem. He seems really nervous, and somehow, it's reassuring. Immediately, I ask him questions about himself, wanting him to feel more at ease.

We talk about his job (paid internship) and his art (he's super SUPER talented at drawing), and soon he loosens up and isn't as red. Finally, I see him smile. He has a great smile. He's one of those people that look completely different when they smile--it changes his whole face.

We talk more and more, animatedly about our shared interests and seriously about each of our passions. We click. We laugh and relate. I tell him I still live at home, and that I don't drive, and he accepts it easily (he still lives with his folks as well). I talk about how much writing means to me, and he listens. Really listens. And after I finish, he says, "That's wonderful."

As soon as he says that, I already know without that choosing to meet Luke in person had been the right decision to make.



Soon, we realize the sun has gone down. 3 hours had passed already.

Luke asks if I'd want to go watch a movie, and with the way that he words it, I realize that he didn't mean the movie theater. But we're having such a nice time that I don't think that I want it to end just yet. And watching a movie sounds nice. So I agree.

He throws his drink away, and then proceeds to pick up all the straw wrapper rippy bits that I'd unknowingly made while I was nervous earlier. I thank him and apologize, laughing because I hadn't even realized I'd done that.

We shoulder on our coats and head outside where the snowstorm has picked up even more, and cottony flakes are lightly falling from the sky.

He opens the doors for me, and I thank him. We get into his (well taken care of and nice) car, and he starts to drive through the snow to his house. On the way we talk about what kinds of music we like, and the kinds of music we grew up listening to.

In about 15 minutes, we're already there. He lives on a quiet suburban street much like mine.

We go into his house, and his dad is in the kitchen. A spike of nervousness hits me again, and when Luke introduces his dad to me, I tell him it's nice to meet him and call him 'sir'. He asks me how I am, I say fine and ask how he his, and he says he's fine. Thankfully after that the introduction is over and I can breathe a little.

We go downstairs where the entertainment center was, and I'm relieved to see it, as I had been worried that 'movie' had been code for something else. He asks what I want to watch, and I look through his movies to decide.

I decide on an alien invasion movie that I had never seen before, and he says it's one of his favorites as he pops it into the movie player.

Feeling a little out of my element, considering I had only just met this guy in person today and I was already at his house, I sit on the love seat by the armrest and try to make myself as small and as unimposing as possible.

He asks if I'm cold and if I want a blanket, and I say sure, since I decided to wear tights and a tennis skirt during a snow storm. He hands the blanket to me and I thank him. The movie begins and then, as I put the blanket over my legs, he turns out the lights. Oh.

Then he sits on the couch, scooches right next to me, and drapes the blanket over his legs too.

Oh.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what might happen, and I try to mental prepare myself. It suddenly occurs to me that I've never watched a movie with a boy at a boy's house, alone, EVER, in my entire life. Why had I immediately assumed that when he asked to watch a movie, that he meant only watch a movie????

I realized that perhaps 'movie' was code for something else after all.

He asks if I need anything, and I say no. The movie starts, and I'm tense, arms folded, face carefully blank, acting like I'm paying close attention to the movie but I'm actually fuh-REAKING OUT.

The nervousness makes my stomach churn, and then I realize that I had never eaten dinner, and it was almost 4 hours past dinner time. The thought makes me even more hungry, and I can't quell the growl my stomach makes. I quietly hope he didn't hear it.

Finally, 15 minutes or so into the movie, I ask if he has any snacks to eat. He says that he's hungry too, and immediately he goes upstairs to the kitchen to find something to eat. I take this time to breathe and calm down so I won't be so tense.

In a minute or so, he comes back, and gives me a list of snacks that they have. Muffins was one of them, and so he leaves again and then comes back with muffins. He sits back down, offers me the plate to catch the crumbs with, then we eat our muffins and continue to watch the movie.

At this point I'm not as nervous, considering I've had something to eat now. So I take forever eating the muffin (because I'm a slow eater) and eventually I finish, and he offers to get the plate out of my way, and I thank him as he does.

We get back to watching the movie. About a few minutes after that, he does...the move.



The arm around the shoulder thing (except without the corny yawn part).

I freeze again. The moment oddly reminds me of the time You-Know-Who did the same thing in junior year, minus the movie watching. I froze up exactly the same way. Only this time, there was no friends near me to seamlessly divert my awkward, frozen reaction to the physical contact. We were alone.

My brain is screaming at me to react in some way, and so what I do is free my hair from under his arm. He laughs nervously and apologizes, and it reminds me yet again that he's just as nervous as I am, and it's again reassuring. I tell him it's okay and laugh too, and I take that moment to rearrange myself so that I'm a little more comfortable.

It helps...a little. Still freaking out. My shoulders, where his arm is across, feel like they're on fire. My leg keeps twitching. It feels like I'm breathing way too loud and swallowing way too much. I know he can hear me swallow, because I can hear him swallowing hard, too. And breathing hard.

There's a palpable tension there in that room between us. And I haven't felt that in God knows HOW long. (6 years, to be exact.)

We sit like that for the rest of the movie, and because I actually got myself to pay attention to the last half hour, I applaud because I loved it. I tell him I loved it, and he says he's glad I enjoyed it. His hand tightens slightly on my shoulder, and I ask if his arm is numb. He says not at all, and that I barely weigh anything. And I told him I was relieved because I was worried about that.

I comment a little more on the movie, and he agrees with me, and I feel the tension even more now. There's a lull, and just before I can start to feel uneasy--it happens.

He reaches across me with his free hand, very gently touches my cheek and turns my face towards his face. He leans in.

Before I can prepare for what I think it might be like, or freak out at all, it's already happening. His lips press against mine. I freeze in shock again.

I begin to register what's happening. His lips are smooth and soft against mine. I thought it would be...wetter. Like maybe too wet? But it was a nice amount of softness. His stubble scrapes my face, but not unpleasantly. His aftershave smells really freakin' good. His nose bumps into my cheek. His thumb strokes my other cheek.

It's completely different from what I've thought it would be like for the past...when did I hit puberty...13 years? It's unfamiliar, and confusing, but not unwelcome.

Finally, I snap out of my stupor, and I start to move my lips, trying to match his movements.



(Okay, sorry. Enough k-drama gifs.)

I had heard that when you get your first kiss, you figure out what to do. I didn't believe that, not for one second. 'But there must be some trick!' I would think after hearing that. 'Some secret that I don't know! What is it!! TELL ME THE KISSING SECRET!'

But, honestly? That advice is so accurate. After knowing I should try to match him, and try not to let our teeth bump (I still did once. Oops.), I was just...doing it. I don't know if I did it well or not, really. But I did it.

Internet. I kissed a boy.



After maybe...I don't know. 30 seconds? A minute? (My mind was somewhere else, I have no clue how long it was!) He pulled away, briefly, then leaned in once more to press his lips to mine again.

He pulls back again, looks down at me, and at this point my brain is totally kaput, and I say, like a total fucking nerd, "Um, thank you."

He chuckles and says, "You're welcome." Then kisses my cheek, and then my temple. And it's so much overwhelming physical contact that I have NEVER HAD BEFORE IN MY LIFE that I just slump down against his shoulder in a giddy daze. He hugs me against him with his arm tighter, and then gently, he takes my hand out of my sleeve and laces his fingers through mine.

My heart is racing, and suddenly I realize how sweaty my hand is, so I apologize for it being sweaty, and he says he didn't even notice.

We sit there like that for a few minutes, in a comfortable silence. I say that I'm sleepy, and he says he could tell. He lets go of my hand, then reaches over and softly strokes my hair and brushes it away from my face. For a good 5 seconds I'm positive that I may just pass out from swooning. (Have I ever mentioned that I love getting my head/face touched? I'm like a freaking cat. My eyes almost rolled back into my head. It took everything me not to actually mewl like a cat.)



I ask what time it is, and he tells me it's about 20 minutes past ten. I can't even remember the last time I was out so late, and I tell him that I should probably get home. He says he figured it would probably be time for me to head home soon, and tells me he'll drive me home.

When I get up from the couch, my knees buckle with weakness, and I glance at him, hoping that he didn't see. If he did, he didn't say anything.

As we open the front door, the snowfall from the past two hours is revealed. Even bigger snowflakes are falling, and it honestly looks magical.



Luke opens the passenger door for me and I settle into the passenger seat. He brushes the snow off the car windows outside. I begin shivering, and at first I think that it's from the cold, but then I realize it's the jitters taking over as I begin to comprehend what had just happened.

I whisper to myself, "Oh my God." Then I whip my phone out to send a quick mass tweet to my friends to tell them the crazy news of my first kiss.

He enters the car, and of course I play it cool again. On the way to my house, we make more small talk in between me giving him directions.

We arrive at my house 15 minutes later, and he gets out to walk me to my front door. He hugs me, and I hug back. I thank him, telling him I had a great night. He says we'll have to do it again, and I agreed. Before we break the hug, he leans down for one more kiss. And I think that if it happens again I'll really lose my cool, so I smile and tell him goodnight and to drive home safely. Then I go inside the house.

My dad greets me when I go in, and unfortunately I don't look in a mirror to see my smudged lipstick until after we're done talking. He almost definitely noticed. Womp womp.

Then I went straight to my room, told all my friends all about it as they freaked out and congratulated me, and then around midnight when I came down from my high, I went into the kitchen to heat up some leftover spaghetti because I was starving.

I didn't think I would EVER sleep, but sometime around 3am I finally passed out.

So....what's next in store for Luke and I?

I don't know what's next. But the fact of the matter is that he is, and always will be, my first kiss ever.

How I managed to have such a lovely, adorable first kiss, I'll never know. The whole thing sort of felt like something from a contemporary YA book or k-drama. I still kind of can't believe it actually happened, and part of me still wonders if I hallucinated the whole thing. I'm still in a daze and it's been a whole day.

But I guess that's one thing that I can stop beating myself up over, Internet. Once upon a time, I'd cry myself to sleep thinking something like this would never happen to me. And now it has.



I'm not going to pile expectations on after this experience, Internet. I'm not going to overthink things.

But maybe...just maybe...it might be okay to like Luke. Maybe just a little bit.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: amad, dates, firsts, luke, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new

Hey Internet!

So, for the past couple of months I've been busy, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Getting used to school life again this semester went really well, and I adjusted much faster than I thought I would. I actually am feeling quite proud of myself for how well I handled this semester. (It was only one class, so it was pretty easy to handle, but I still feel really proud, haha.) I also finished the class strong. (I forgot to check my final semester grade online before the semester ended, but I got As on all of my essays, midterm, and I got a B+ on my final, so I'm pretty sure I did great!) As you already know, this was a huge step for me, and I'm proud of myself for even starting and finishing strong.

Going back to school is my biggest accomplishment of 2014, and it gives me some confidence for next semester as well.

So aside from getting used to school again, I've also been continuing some of the social growth I started over the summer. As in...I've been talking to somebody.

NOW WAIT. Before you get all excited, let me assure you, we're just friends.

But with Kenneth moving to New York City back in July(did I mention that here? If not, yeah he moved. It's too bad, we had planned to meet up again before he left, but I ended up getting sick and had to cancel. He was super sweet about it though, told me that he wanted me to get some rest so I could get better and that maybe one day we'd see each other again. Aww.), I kinda wanted to meet someone else to talk to now and then.

SO. His name's Brennan*, and we've been talking since the end(?) of July. He was really flirty with me from the get-go, which sort of overwhelmed me at times, but he's nice and knows all about my weird hobbies and doesn't judge me for it (HAH).

For about 2 months, October to the beginning of this month, we stopped talking for a bit because honestly I kind of felt like things might progress, and I wasn't into it, so talked to him honestly and said that I wasn't ready to date someone right now and that I'd prefer to stay friends. He was cool about it, though, which was nice. (I actually...haven't rejected anyone? At least not that way. It was a strange new experience for me.)

So the beginning of this month, I got bored with finals stress and decided to download Tinder again (which I'd deleted for a few months to focus on school as well), and we ended up matching again, haha. So we started talking again, and then...

On Christmas Eve Eve (two days before Christmas) we had a coffee date.

God, it still feels so weird for me to talk about dates. This was my second date this year, Internet. SECOND. What's happening to me? Who is this person???

It wasn't as long as the date with Kenneth, so I'll keep it fairly simple:

So. The night before our coffee date, it snowed. Which made commuting the next morning pretty exhausting. I was pretty damn late, like 20-25 minutes late, which I kept apologizing for over text on my way there.

I was already pretty nervous, so I felt pretty terrible on the way. But at least I looked really cute. (I'm telling you, Internet. Going back to school has put my makeup and fashion game BACK ON POINT. I think after 21 years I have FINALLY gotten my sense of style down. I don't want to jinx it, but I feel like I have a sense of style for the first time in like 4 years. And ngl, I looked pretty damn good on that date. Snap snap snap.)

So, I walked in, and I couldn't spot him at first, because he was sitting on the bar stools on the side. Then I noticed a guy bent over his phone with a beanie on the back of his head. I slowly walked over to him, unsure, and I said, "Brennan?" And he turned around.

He was smaller in person than I had imagined. He stood up, and for a moment I wondered if I shouldn't have worn heels. He was about an inch taller than me with my heels on. We hugged, a little awkwardly. He was pretty quiet, which worried me. Then my knees were shaking, so I told him I was gonna buy my drink, and while I was buying it I tried to compose myself. I was pretty successful, and by the time I came back I had loosened up a bit, which made him loosen up too.

We began to talk, and really it was just like us talking over text, only I tried to talk more to fill up any silences. We get along well, and I thought that he was nice to talk to.

It only lasted about an hour and 15 minutes, because he had to go to work, but overall it went nicely. But...here's the thing.

Brennan's nice. He's sweet. Seems kind of more introverted, like I am. Takes school seriously (I think his major is computer science?). Doesn't judge me for my weird hobbies and ramblings about my favorite books and writing, in fact he said it's nice to hear people talk about what they're passionate about (which I liked). Met my dad by chance when he was pulling up to pick me up and called him sir and shook his hand (which my dad liked). And I would definitely for sure hang out with him again.

But.........there was no chemistry.

Dammit. This is really starting to irk me. It's like...all the people that I should have chemistry with I just have...none. Why?? WHY??

And the thing is...with Kenneth...I definitely found him attractive. Within the first 10 minutes of meeting him, I knew I was immediately attracted to him. But Brennan...god. I want to be attracted to him. I really really do. Considering his personality, I should be attracted to him. Why aren't I? I feel so bad that I'm not. I feel terrible.

It's not even like he's unappealing, or anything. He has a nice face. He's half white, half Chinese, with a little scruff on his chin, and he wears kitschy glasses that suit his face. He's not tall, but not short either. Cute smile. Maybe a little boyish, but that works really well on some guys.

When he talked, I kept staring at him, waiting for a spark, but there was just...there was none.

And I keep feeling like maybe I'm not giving him a fair chance, but really I am. I wouldn't have met him in person if I wasn't giving him a chance. I'd hoped that though we lacked a spark over text, maybe we'd have it in person...and for me, I didn't.

I still want to be friends with him though, definitely. I'm just sort of worried that he may be developing feelings for me while I don't feel that way about him.

There's no way to know for sure, though, unless he tells me. So I just...I don't know. Sigh.

But while I struggle over here with this foray into the dating world for the first time, my ex-classmates and ex-friends have been...well, I'll just say this bluntly...having babies.

I mean literally, having babies. And getting engaged. And married. I shit you not.

And one of them that has gotten engaged? Jazz. To her boyfriend of 3 years.

Guys...I didn't think I would have to deal with this until at least my mid-twenties. The fact that this is even happening already...surreal. And sort of...alienating.

I get that some people's goals and priorities are different, but I can count on two hands who has either had a child or gotten married already. And I mean...I don't judge them, it's their lives. But I can't be the only one that thinks that 20/21 is too young to get married and start a family. Right? I mean this is 2014, not 1950. Things are different now, or at least I thought they were.

But maybe it's this area. My city is compared to some parts in the south a lot, and for some cultural points and values important to many people here, we really might as well live in the south.

But...yeah. Jazz got engaged two weeks ago and flaunted it all over Facebook, or course. And of course I congratulated her, because even though I never went to school with him, I've met her fiance a handful of times and he seems to be a nice, stand up guy. So I'm happy she's happy.

It's just like...why now, you know? It's so soon. We're so young and have our lives ahead of us.

I definitely want to get married one day, but not anytime soon. Maybe 27 at the very earliest, and even that seems too soon sometimes. I want to go out, see the world, have my own career, my own life, before I even think about settling down. Even being in a relationship sounds stifling.

But hey, that's me. And that's her. And I just hope that if she makes me a bridesmaid, the dresses won't be ugly. (I'm such a good friend.)

And Fiddy (remember? From freshman year? Wow. Forever ago.) and the girl he knocked up 4 years ago got married around Thanksgiving. (They seem to be doing well. Good for them.) Two people that had babies recently? Jerry, with his current girlfriend (yes, the one that wanted to date me) which was a bit shocking (just think, if I'd given him my number, that could've been me. Yikes.). And most recently (two weeks ago)one of Rose's sisters, Lauren, in a shocking turn of events (she's a year and a half older than me, and I recall numerous times in high school that Lauren swore up and down that she never wanted kids, and that she hated babies. Welp.)

Sooooo...yeah. Like I said, alienating. Crazy.
Not in a bad way, it's just that I think of so many of these people the way that they used to be in High School. Kinda feels like babies having babies. I still feel like a kid sometimes, so I can't even imagine myself having a kid right now. Seems scary.

Adult life, man. This is weird.

But, hey. All things need adjusting, right? Now I'm just looking forward to a New Year, and my next semester in school.

I'll keep you guys updated on Brennan. I just...I hope there won't be any rejecting in the future. (Gulp.)

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: adulthood, babies and marriage?!?, brennan, dates, growing up, online dating, tinder

Internet...on Sunday, I did something kind of crazy. Crazy for me, anyway.

First, let me start with this: there came a time about a month about ago when fandom life sort of snuck up on me and something sort of devastating happened. I won't say what specifically, but it was basically any fan of a band's second worst nightmare (the first being one of the members of a band getting killed, god forbid.). But yes, something sad happened with my favorite band, and I cried for a few days about it.

And around that time, I needed some entertaining distraction. Which led me to creating a Tinder account. Yes, I know. This is the second time I've created an online dating account out of needing entertainment. (The first being when I made my OKCupid account.) I should really get rid of this habit, it brings chaos into my life.

It seemed harmless enough though, and I actually had the app once before for a while, before deleting it once I got bored. And that time, nothing ever came out of it.

Well. This time, it was fun the first day. I actually got 3 matches in a row, which was bewildering and hilarious to me. Then, the day afterwards, the glitz had worn off and everything about the app annoyed me. I literally just sat there, scowling and swiping 'no' on everybody until I got fed up and shoved my phone away, lmao.

That continued for a about a week, until one day I decided I should add a more recent picture, and an hour or two after I put it on my profile, one of the matches I'd had for a week messaged me. Let's call him Kenneth. It was the first message I'd ever gotten and it freaked me out slightly because I was sort of just hoping that no one would try to talk to me.

Craziest of all, he was a 28 year old that I'd only swiped right on because he was way too hot and out of my age range to even consider me, or so I thought.

So there I was, freaking out that a hot 28 man was trying to talk to me. I didn't even open it for 3 hours or so, but in the end, I sucked it up, opened it and hesitantly responded. That lead to talking for the rest of the night, and I'd hoped he decided I was boring and that would be it.

Until the next morning, when I woke up to a message asking if I wanted to get coffee that weekend. INSTANT PANIC AND NAUSEA.

The whole day I worried over it, trying to think of the best way to say no without hurting his feelings (although I didn't even know him, so I very well could have if I wanted to. But I have a hard time with disappointing people, so I couldn't bring myself to.). The worry extended to that night, the night that I mixed sangria and a margarita and it ended up dismally. (Which pretty much happened like this: "Must! Relax! Forget about Kenneth! Drink more! Drink! Is it dizzy in here? Must relax! More drin--*runs to bathroom to puke*"). So after I got home and was still somewhat tipsy, I gathered the courage and made an excuse about my cousin's birthday being the next day and having to be there (which was actually true! Just stretched a little bit.)

He was disappointed and sort of saw through my excuse, which made me feel bad. So the next day, I started conversation instead, and we talked that whole day and the day afterward, during which he asked me out 2 more times.
The second time, I brushed it off casually and changed the subject, and then the third time, after watching Frozen and feeling inspired (I love it, leaf me be.) I decided to say yes.

I don't know what possessed me to, but I said yes. Maybe part of it was that we had added each other on Instagram, and he had the opportunity to see some more of my personality and weird hobbies (kpop) and still wanted to meet me, I think that said a lot to me. And then seeing more of his personality and not seeing any reason to say no again. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and he treated me with respect, so why not?

So started the whole week I had to get prepare myself.

I made sure not to skip any exercise days, just to help with my confidence, and I did skin treatments and got my hair done on Saturday. Then Sunday came.

I woke up early, exercised, took a shower, and started getting ready. I'm not gonna lie, I was very nervous. But I kept thinking about how I felt the morning before meeting Drew and I couldn't help but make comparisons. I kept waiting for the real terror to come. I remembered how I was so nervous to meet Drew that I felt like I was going to vomit. I kept waiting for that, and it never came.

To be frank though, it helped that this wasn't the first time I was doing this. I somewhat knew what to expect more, and I wasn't just going in blind this time. Also, it helped that in my head, I was adamant on keeping things platonic, no matter what. No flirting. No physical contact whatsoever. Throughout making Tinder and starting to talk to him, I had the mindset that no relationship would come out of this, and that I had no interest in that at all. We would be friends hanging out, and that was it. No matter what.

So. I walked into the cafe, which was somewhat empty, and didn't spot Kenneth right away, but he recognized me immediately and walked over to me and said hi.

I don't remember a lot of the conversation at first, I just remember being superbly self conscious and sweating bullets from my armpits. We walked up to the counter for me to order a drink and without a word from him, he took out his wallet and paid for it.

This gave me a whole new surge of nervousness because holy crap, a guy just paid for me. But I mentally told myself to breathe and calm down, that it was no big deal, and that he was just being courteous.

So as I got my drink and we went to sit down on a sofa, we began to talk, and soon we were talking pretty much nonstop. And randomly, about 25-30 minutes into our conversation, he asks what the last movie I saw was. I told him it was Godzilla a few weeks ago, and that it was amazing. Then, after that, he asks, "Hey, wanna go see a movie?"

Before I could think too much into it and talk myself out of it, I immediately said, "Okay, sure!" I didn't even hesitate.

This, my friends, was when I became someone completely different. Not your normal, everyday timid and shy Hopeless Romantic. I became SARAH. Capital S, capital A, capital R, capital A, capital H. SARAH, who goes on spontaneous movie dates. SARAH, who doesn't feel intimidated by this guy who she met on an app, who happens to be even more attractive than he is in his Instagram pics, which rarely ever happens and is kind of mind blowing. I lost my mind and became this alter ego version of myself, this is the only explanation I have of this, honestly.

So, yes. We sat there and decided on a movie (at first he suggested 22 Jump Street and another action type movie, and when he suggested How to Train Your Dragon 2, I nearly jumped up in agreement because I am 12.) and then immediately left the cafe.

As I got into Kenneth's car, I consciously tried not to psych myself out again. (Screaming in my head, "Don't freak out about getting into his car! Don't freak out about being alone with in his car! Don't panic. Don't panic.") And on the way to the theater, we talked even more. Not a bad driver, by the way, but he has this habit of holding his phone in one hand which is generally a bad idea, but I tried not to let it freak me out.

We got there pretty soon, and as we got out of the car, the wind was UNBELIEVABLE and I cursed the moment I chose to wear a dress and wear my hair down because I had to bunch my skirt in one hand to prevent a full on Marilyn Monroe from happening.

Anyway, so we got out and went to buy tickets, and since we had a good half hour until the movie, we decided to walk around outside for a bit. We walked to a nearby shopping center and into a Whole Foods, where we bought some snacks for me to smuggle in my purse.

On the way back, we were passing my favorite bubble tea place, which I pointed out and he suggested we go in and get something there too. So we go in, and he asks what I usually order when I go there, and I tell him taro boba, thinking that maybe he wants to try it. So I just stand to the side while he orders, not paying any attention, and when he turns around with a taro boba for me and a drink for him, I'm flustered but grateful.

So then we went the theater again since the movie was starting soon, but before then he asked if I wanted popcorn, to which I said 'sure' and he bought yet another thing for me omg. He just...kept buying stuff for me! To be fair, I could've said no, so that's partly on me too, hahaha. I was just so shocked, I guess.

So we find seats and watch the movie (it was wonderful, by the way) and meanwhile he ate most of the popcorn and Whole Foods snacks, but I didn't mind, since I don't eat much during movies anyway. (Plus he bought it, so fair enough!) And after the movie ended and we walked out of the theater, he asked if I was hungry, and I said, 'Sure!' Again. I swear, that is SARAH's favorite word.

We look for nearby places to eat on his phone and we decide on a sit down burger place about 3 minutes away, and zip on over. He orders a burger and fries and I settle on some fries (because I'm not that hungry) and we find a booth and sit, where we talk for 2 more hours.

I remember feeling so grateful that he was such a good conversationalist, because there were never awkward silences or pauses where I didn't know what to say. We talked about a lot, so much that I can't seem to remember most of the conversation topics.

One thing that's worth mentioning, though, was that after some prodding from him, I admitted that I'd never had a boyfriend, and never been kissed. It kind of came from me telling him about my online school experience in high school and the unrequited love I had for Ricky Bobby (because he'd asked about it previously). I got the response I usually get for that, shock, amazement, exclamations of 'how?!', etc, etc. When I explained it in full, he got it, but he still seemed baffled. I also got the usual, "You're still young, though. You'll have your chance." Yawn. It was appreciated, though.

Also he told me that he'd just gotten out of a 2 year relationship in April, and that he has no interest in getting into a relationship for a while. And he told me about his dog, and I told him about my dog. And I told him about Rose and how we don't speak anymore.

We talked about a lot. More than someone would probably normally tell someone that they just met, lmao. But it was nice to just...talk to someone. And hang out with them.

Anyway, soon we realized that the sun was going down outside, so we left the restaurant and he drove me home. As I got out of his car and he walked me to my door, he mentioned we might be able to hang out again the following weekend, and I said that would be cool. We hugged (sort of awkwardly, it was hesitant and kind of weird, lol) and then I waved from my door as he drove away.

I'm still...kind of in a daze over the whole thing.

It just...doesn't feel real. I'm not used to these things happening to me. Because they just...don't. Not to me.

He was so...nice to me. And a gentleman. He opened doors for me, opened my car door for me, never said a word about paying for our stuff and even said that my dress was pretty. One thing that really sticks out to me even now was in the movie theater, when I was struggling to get my 3D glasses package open, he calmly handed me his already open 3D glasses to wear instead. Not gonna lie, I melted. Just a little bit.

I don't think a guy has ever treated me with so much kindness and respect, even as a friend.

But as I told my friends when I recounted all of this to them, even though it went very, very well, and I had a great time, this is definitely not going to go anywhere. And I don't mean that in a negative way. Just that, realistically, it can't go anywhere. For the following reasons:

1. The age difference. I didn't notice it the majority of the time when we hung out, and honestly I never thought I would go out with anyone 7 years older than me, at least while I'm this young. So even meeting him at all was a big thing for me. But we are at very different stages of our lives. He's been out of school for a while, working as an electrical engineer. I've been out of school for 2 years now, and only just starting college in the fall (which he knows about, by the way). Very different lives. He's a man, and I'm still a girl.
2.  The fact that he just got out of a serious relationship. I don't know a lot about serious relationships, but I get the general idea that when you get out of one you don't look for another relationship for a while. As he told me himself. And I'm not looking for a serious relationship either, now and for a long time. I'm trying to get myself and my life together, and I don't need a distraction from that. 
3. The fact that he's moving soon anyway. He moves out of state to Chicago for a new job somewhere around mid-July, so yeah. There's that too. (Random, but GDI what is it with me and guys that move away?!) 

Labels: alter ego sarah, dates, drew, kenneth, online dating, tinder

Internet. You don't know how long I've been waiting to say those words. My first date.

It feels so foreign to say that/type that. Especially in relation to my personal life. But there it is. I'm sorry for the slight delay, as something else has been going on that's pretty related to this, but I'll get to that later.

So. Our date.

Best Friend Rose stayed over the night before, helping me agonize over the perfect outfit (and even lending me a sweater of her own, because I need to go shopping for cuter/more summery clothing). And her staying the night was also a part of this...well, plan that we had.
Yes. A plan. I'm talking a full-on cliche Disney Channel show type plan.

Now, BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT: It wasn't too dramatic. Or weird. Not really. It just involved BFR walking into the bookstore 10 minutes after me, walking around and looking at stuff out of the way and unnoticed, but also staying on location just in case the date went really awful and I needed a backup plan. Of course, I never ended up needing her, and we got to avoid any awkward lines like, 'Oh my god, Rose! I had NO idea that you'd be here! What a complete and totally unplanned coincidence!!"

Immature? Totally. Not even gonna pretend that it wasn't. But I have to admit, knowing Rosie was there helped alleviate my nervousness a little. It helped knowing that if it turned out to be a disaster, I wasn't completely alone and unarmed.

But, don't worry Internet. No convoluted Junior High-like plan next time. Cross my heart!

But anyway, onto the actual date:

I show up a few minutes later than he does, so I have to go find him. For a minute or two, I just stand there, looking lost and confused, and one of the guys working there just kind of looks at me like, 'Are you okay?'

So, I text Drew to ask him where he is in the store, and he tells me he's in Non-fiction. I glance around, and I find that non-fiction is just in the next room over. I try to calm my breathing, ignore the fact that my knees are quivering like leaves in a breeze, and enter the room.

I immediately see a boy sitting in a chair, in a red shirt, jeans and sneakers, reading a book in his lap. My heart leaps into my throat, and I grip my phone in my hand tightly as I start to approach him.
He's so engrossed in his book that he doesn't hear me walking towards him, so as I get closer, I swallow hard and force out a "hey" that I hope sounds nice and relaxed at the same time, all the while realizing that it'll be the very first time he hears my voice.

He looks up, maybe kind of taken aback, and then slowly closes his book and stands from his chair. "Hey," he says back.

I stop in front of him and grope for words for a few moments. I initiate a side hug, for reasons completely unknown to me because I hate side hugs, and the resulting one is really stiff and quick and kind of awful. "So, it's nice to finally meet you." I say, trying to still sound cool and collected even though I'm suddenly terrified because here I am, right in front of him, and I don't know what to say.

He smiles. "It's nice to finally meet you, too."

I smile wider, but it's like my cheeks can't take the exertion from smiling so much, and they start to hurt. After a somewhat awkward few moments, I throw my hands up. "So, should we take a look around?" I suggest.

"Sure," he says, and nods, and then starts to walk toward the door, and I follow.

We go to the fiction section first, and it's huge, so I say 'wow'. And he says something about them remodeling since he'd last been there. For a few moments I'm legitimately distracted by all the tall shelves of books around me, but then I come back to the present and realize that it's very quiet between us. I steal a quick glance at him, and he looks somewhat uneasy. I decide to say something, anything at all.

"Ohh, Stephen King!" I say, pointing to an entire shelf of his books. "They have a lot of his books."

"Yeah, they do." He agrees.

I say something about not reading a lot of his books, although I want to, and he says something about his Gunslinger series. While he's talking, he kind of trips over his words and stutters, and I notice distantly that the way he talks reminds me of Michael Cera.

So he wanders off to one of the other shelves, and I kind of stay where I am, wondering why he decided to walk away all of a sudden, and then my questions are answered when he comes back with the first book of the Gunslinger series. I take it, only really mildly interested in it, and ask him what it's about. He explains it all, and I nod slowly like I'm interested.

"Well then," I say, shrugging. "It sounds really interesting. I guess I'll have to get it!" And I look over and he looks pretty satisfied, so I decide I will get it after all.

After that, we continue looking, and a black cat jumps on top of the bookshelf next to us. I mention how I've always wanted a cat, and he tells me his family has 5 cats as well as 3 dogs and for him, a tarantula (Ew.) I respond jealously, saying that I wished I had that many pets, and he suggested that I could after I move out. And during this, I finally get the guts to look at him more directly, and I realize that he's cute. Like, really freaking cute.
Slight deliberate scruff, hazel eyes, long eyelashes, nice dirty blonde hair(meaning the color dirty blonde, not meaning that his hair was dirty, it was actually really clean. And you probably knew that, but I thought I'd clear that up anyway.), white teeth, and dimples when he smiles. He's so attractive to me and every time I look directly at him, and he looks at me back, it's like I'm intimidated by his sheer attractiveness, and I have to look away.

So we decide to head to the upper level after that, where they keep the older paperbacks, and we wander around looking. It gets quiet at times, but he doesn't seem as uneasy as before, and by then I'd begun to feel strangely...calm. It's like a got all of my nervous out within the first 5 minutes, and then after that it was like I wasn't even nervous at all. For some reason.

So we're looking and occasionally making comments, like me commenting about how they had about 1000 copies of a book called "Easy Spanish" and a car manual in Japanese.

The bookstore cats decided to join us (one was named Pages and the other was named Chapter. Isn't that the CUTEST thing you've ever heard?!) and we pet them and watch them for a while. He picks up a book and starts to read it, and apparently it's funny because he chuckles at it every now and then. I ask him what's so funny, but he won't tell me, so I just smile and shake my head.

By now we're getting along pretty well, and so we decide to go to non-fiction, where I found him first. We look at stuff, and after I pick up a Chicken Soup book, I tease him about how he should get a Marilyn Monroe biography. And then I tell him how it bugs me when celebrities get biographies written about them even when they're still alive. So then he tells me that he'll get a biography made about him now, just to piss me off. I laugh.

Fast forward through us looking at cookbooks (and me telling him I'm not a very good cook--but get this--he is.), me finding a dictionary/thesaurus/common misspellings book and keeping it to buy, and going to put back my Alfred Hitchcock short stories book, and we headed to look at the books at the front of the store.
As I stare at a shelf, he comes up behind me (and scares the crap out of me, by the way) to hand me a newer copy of the Stephen Kind book he found for me earlier. It's newer and sturdier and prettier than the other one, and so I decide to buy that one instead. He offers to take the old one back for me, and I thank him.

So then I spend about a thousand years looking at every book in that section, admittedly trying to stall a little. And during the last hour, we had one of the weirdest 10 minute awkward silences ever. I swear, it was that long. And I tried to seem engrossed in finding a book, but in reality I was poking and prodding my brain for something to say, anything, and I came up with nothing.

Finally, I said something about the Kite Runner, and I guess that just sparked conversation again, but that whole thing was weird.

Near the end, since I had already warned him that I had to leave around 12ish (my mom was providing the ride, and she had to be at work at like 1), he went ahead and paid for his one book. And when the time came for me to pay, as soon as I put my books on the counter, I realized with a horrifying chagrin that I had completely forgotten to bring my wallet.

I forgot to bring my wallet. To a bookstore.

But thank God, Drew had gone to wander someplace else, and he wasn't there to see. Completely red-faced, I told the cashier my situation, and he laughed it off, telling me that he could hold them for me until I could get my wallet from my mom's car. I thanked him, and went to go tell Drew my situation too. He laughed, but he didn't seem irritated or put off by it.

So we looked at children's books for like an entire fifteen minutes (got a bit awkward, considering there wasn't that many books in that section to look at in the first place, but not too bad) while I waited for a signal text from BFR to tell me that my mom was outside and that she was in the car. I finally excused myself and rushed out to the car to grab my purse (with my wallet in it) to pay for my things.

I pay for them, and then it was time to say goodbye.

We both walk slowly toward the entrance. I clap my hands together. "So," I try not to come off so eager. "This was fun."

He's looking down at me and smiling. "Yeah, it was. We should do it again."

I nod, trying not to look excited. He wants to see me again. "Yeah, definitely." I initiate another side hug, but this one was much better, more genuine instead of stiff. And he smells good. After we break the hug, I ask, "So, text you later?"

"Or course," he says.

So I (stupidly) say goodbye and walk out the door, and it's not until I'm halfway to my car that I realize we've done that say-goodbye-and-then-walk-in-the-same-direction thing. I turn and see him almost directly behind me, and I give this embarrassed sort of giggle, and he kind of does too. Then when we part ways, I wave, and he waves back.

And on the way home, I proceed to tell my mom and Best Friend Rose every single detail.

It was so not as bad as I expected it to go. In fact, it went pretty well. Despite forgetting my wallet and some awkward moments, I thought it went pretty dang swimmingly.

And Rose said whenever she saw us together, he was always smiling really big, and he kept staring at me. Which I can attest to, because whenever I'd be studiously looking at shelves of books, I'd suddenly feel him looking at me.

The whole rest of the day, I was so happy. I finally get why people who first start dating someone are so freakishly happy all the time, because that's what happened to me. It was like I was floating. I couldn't stop giggling.

Not to get ahead of myself here, Internet, but I haven't acted that way about a boy in a very long time. I'd almost forgotten what it'd felt like.

I guess all I can do is sit back and see where it goes from here.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: dates, drew, firsts, summer

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