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Thursday, November 22, 2012 | 12:19 AM | 0Comment

Hey Internet!!

SO. You guys'll be glad to know that things are looking up lately. I mean, they're not perfect, and nothing in particular has really changed (except for my injury, which is now completely healed! Yay!), but I think it's more of an improvement in my attitude, which is nice. I just feel a little happier lately. Definitely something to welcome, for sure.

And the job thing isn't bothering me as much now. I mean, yeah, it was a bummer, but things will turn out. Eventually, at least. They always do. So in the meantime, I shouldn't stress about it. (Especially since after stressing about it so much, I got an ugly cold sore last week. Blurgh.)

So, things are okay. Last week, Rosie and I went to the opening night of Breaking Dawn pt 2 (judge if you want, I'm used to it, lol. Besides, I couldn't just not. I loved that series so much 4 years ago, and I wanted to see how the movie series ended. I was very impressed with the adaptation, and even thought that the movie was better than how the book went, which I hardly ever say about movie adaptations. So yes. Judge away! Lmao.). 

We didn't have to stand in line, since it was cold outside, but we waited inside the theater for--get this--6 hours. So we had a lot of time to talk, obviously.

While we were talking, and I proceeded to show her a picture of the member of a Korean band that I plan on marrying, out of nowhere she says, "So, guess who finds you gorgeous and like, super attractive?" with a giant grin on her face.

At first I thought she was joking, so I give her a weird look like, 'You're kidding, right?' And then when she doesn't burst out laughing, I ask aloud, ".....Who?" Because, uh, who could possibly think that, out of the maybe 3 guys that I sort of know but I'm not even really that close of friends with?

And before I could possibly wonder further who she could possibly be talking about, she says, "Jerry." 

Yeah. YEAH. I KNOW. (Refer here. And here. And here. And, ohohoho, this one. The shade.) 

Now, I still can't tell you how I feel about this. First I felt...well, kinda flustered. But flattered, definitely. It's always nice to know if someone sees you that way. But then I was...confused. And still am. And for a few reasons.

One would be that I didn't even think that I would be his type, and truly, I don't that I am. And this isn't me being self depreciating, this is me looking at the girls he's dated in the past and wondering how the hell that translates to me. Which brings me to my next reason: He doesn't know me that well. Hell, he doesn't know me at all.

From the outside, his usual type seems to be the super gorgeous, super-model like physique, party girl, wild chick type. Of which type he definitely is. Of which I am definitely not. 
Well, okay, I don't think I'm ugly or anything. When I'm all done up, I'd like to think of myself as pretty. But the rest? Uh. Nope. More like normal physique-having, prudish nerdy girl, homebody-to-the-point-of-almost-being-a-hermit type. I'm pretty much the opposite of his usual girls. 

So that makes me wonder, what did he possibly see in me? Just my appearance? Probably. I mean, I wouldn't blame him. Who doesn't do that, anyway?

But that pretty much gives me the indicator that we wouldn't have much in common. I'm sitting here picturing this conversation in my head, on our would-be first date:

Him: Hey, what about that crazy party this Saturday? You were invited, right? It's gonna be a rager. Are you psyched?
Me: Oh, I wasn't invited. I'm never invited to parties. I don't really like them, either.
Him: Oh...okay. Nevermind.
-Silence-
Me: Hey, so, have you read (insert popular newish book title here)? It's supposed to be amazing, I can't wait to read it!
Him: Oh, uh, no. I don't really read.
Me: Oh. Okay.
-Awkward silent eating for the rest of the date.-

Doesn't that make you cringe? It makes me cringe, and I've been thinking of that scenario over and over for almost the past week. I just feel like...it wouldn't go well. For the both of us. If we tried something, I mean.

And to be fair, just as much as he doesn't know me that well, I don't know him that well, either. Actually, I don't know him at all, period. So I guess I shouldn't judge. But I feel really hesitant about all of this, for a few more reasons: 

  1. You guys know how uneasy I am with this sort of thing. Remember how nervous I was about Drew? And how I had two emotional breakdowns before we met? Two. I hate the risk, I hate feeling like things are out of my control, or that I can't predict how something will go. It sounds stupid I know, but I like to know things. That's part of my personality, and if I don't know how something will happen, it stresses me out and scares me and I'll run away from it. 
  2. It could go well. At first. Which could be nice. It would be a new experience, which makes me nervous. But--
  3. It could also go badly. And that makes me even more nervous. Because then, it would put Rose in an awkward place, because she's best friends with him, and best friends with me. So if things went bad and we broke up, or heck, things went bad before there was even something there, then she would feel weird. She could never bring him up to me without feeling awful, and she could never bring me up to him without it being awkward. I couldn't have her to turn to if I'm sad or frustrated and angry about something he did without feeling like, understandably, she would take his side as well as mine. Actually, I would feel weird talking to her about him in general, because that's her friend, and she probably wouldn't want to hear it. Just...a bunch of weirdness. Tons. And I'm not sure I'd be willing to  go through all that shit, lol. 
  4. I'm...not really attracted to him that way. I used to, very briefly, but not anymore. Perhaps that's just because I know next to nothing about him, and I tend not to get drawn to someone until I know more about them. And I know, in the long run, personality matters more than looks, but...I know nothing about his personality. Which is probably why I'm not really attracted to him that way. It's not fair, I know. I just have a hard time getting to know people sometimes. And not just people. Guys especially. And with guys, especially ones that I like or could like, while getting to know them I get my hopes and expectations up unintentionally, setting me up for disappointment. A crappy cycle, and yet I do it often. I don't mean to, but I always end up doing it. I did that with Drew, and look how that went.
  5. I don't feel that I'm ready to take on someone new in my life. Not just romantically, though especially that, but platonic too. I'm too sensitive. Too unsure of where my life is heading at the moment. Too insecure right now. Somewhat emotionally fragile. I think that trying to deal with all of that, plus trying to start a relationship at the same time, would be a catastrophe.
  6. He and Rosie...had a thing. Yeah, it wasn't official, and it was like 4 years ago, but still. They liked each other a whole lot at some point--seriously, there was this time during freshman year when you couldn't even separate them with a crow bar, and I even helped Jerry plan how to ask Rose out for Homecoming. He even wrote her love letters. I KNOW. It would feel super weird for me. Even though they're not like that anymore now. Because Best Friend Rose and I have BEEN through boy drama before, (see this entry), and that resulted in the worst fight we've ever had. I never want that to happen again, and on top of that, even if those feelings between them definitely aren't there anymore...I would still feel weird. SO weird.
I feel bad, though. He's a nice enough guy, from what I've seen. And Rosie really wants it to happen between us. She thinks we'd be 'super cute'. But I just...sigh. 

I didn't outright tell her no. (Although she asked if she could give him my number, and I said no, but only because I've been having issues with our cell phone company, and long story short, my cell phone's been off for like half a year now. Yeah. Sucks.) In fact, I told her that she could tell him to add me on FB. 

She asked if I would be willing to get to know him. And reluctantly...flustered-ly...I said yes. How could I have said no?? With her smiling all huge and right in my face with a hopeful sparkle in her eyes like some anime character??? Huh?????????

So...yeah. Not sure how I'll get around this, now that I told her I would. But oddly enough, Jerry hasn't even sent a friend request. Perhaps he changed his mind. Let's hope, shall we? Let's hope that he changed his mind about my attractiveness and I won't have to deal with any of this. 

Let. Us. Hope. 

xo Hopeless Romantic 

ps: Happy Thanksgiving! 

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