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Near Panic Attacks and All That Good Stuff}

Friday, June 3, 2011 | 9:10 PM | 1 comment

Internet. What have I done?

So. Since the last entry, I've still texted Drew everyday all day. And we talk about pretty much everything. Heck, I'm texting him as we speak.

And things are...well. I don't really know how things are. I mean, they're going great. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't even text me this often if they weren't.
But that's the thing. I'm starting to think that they're going too well.

Over the past few days, we've happened to talk about the different bookstores in town, like I'd mentioned last entry. I also mentioned last entry how he'd said, casually, that we should go to one together. After that one time, he mentioned it once again.
Both times, I said sure, because it was all out in the open and no commitment yet, just at some indefinite time in the future, no big deal. Right?

Um. Well. Yeah, until he brought it up yesterday again. And for real this time.

Before I go there, I should say that yesterday, he talked about some more serious things, more serious topics than we'd ever talked about before.
I dropped the big one on him, and by big one I mean the fact that I've never had a boyfriend before. Only I tried to make it sound more casual, more like, 'I've never really dated anyone before,' instead of, 'I'VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND WHY AM I SO ALONE' or something to that effect. And he was completely cool about it, saying, "Not weird at all, probably for the best."

And then he told me a super personal story about how bad his last relationship was. To be fair, though, I asked, so he was just answering my question. Basically, it was all about how he dated this girl who his best friend (a lesbian) had gone out with her first (therefore causing him to hide this dating relationship from his best friend), and how his ex was this psycho goth chick that flirted and made out with anything with two legs (all behind his back during their 9 month relationship) and then proceeded to sleep with this 30 year old dude and start a thing with him, thereby ending her relationship with Drew.

Okay. Did that shock you as much as it shocked me? Because it shocked the hell out of me.

I mean not that I expected it to be a story with rainbows and sunshine, but it really caught me off guard. I feel like it would be something I'd see on Secret Life (by the way, I'm so unimpressed by that show lately. Before, it was so bad that it was good, now it's just really bad.)

I didn't even know what to say. It was an extremely personal story, something that he had trusted me enough to tell me. And this threw me for a huge loop.

One thing about me, Internet, that I'm not proud of at all is that I can be extremely selfish in my dealings with other people sometimes. I'll start getting to know someone new (and anyone, not just guys), the real them, and then they'll tell me something so dark and heavy and personal about themselves, and for some reason, I'll start to pull away from them. It's like I can't handle the full reality of them, like I expect everyone else to be perfect and flawless and have perfect lives. And then when I find out that they aren't, my entire image of them shatters, and I suddenly want nothing to do with them.

I don't know why I do this, I really don't. And I hate that I do. It's like some part of me that I can't help.
I haven't always been like this, though. All of my closest friends, I've accepted them with my whole heart. It's just been as of late, and I can really only think of 2 instances of when I've done this before. But maybe it's because I'm older now, and I'm generally more wary of everyone, less trusting. I don't know.

So, after I learn this new bit of information, I feel like there's this new expectation of me. This brand new, heavy expectation is on my shoulders now, and to be honest, it freaks me the hell out.

I finally reply, telling him how sorry I am that he had to go through that, all the while trying to sound like it didn't freak me out in the slightest, even though it kind of did.

After that, he kind of switches the subject back to me, and I can tell it's kind of a sore subject for him, which is totally understandable. He asks about the guys I almost came close to dating, and I tell him all about Ricky Bobby (very, very briefly), the other legally blind Ricky Bobby that asked me out a billion times over text (reference point, here), and Phil. There are a few other insignificant small stories I could have told him about, but I didn't bother.

So then, after I finish telling him about how Phil was obsessed with his money, out of the blue, he asks, "So, when are we exploring a bookstore, hmm?"

Before, when he suggested that we go to one together, it just kind of seemed like an obligatory, 'Yeah, we're friends! Let's prove it to the world by hanging out and taking 1000 pictures of us together to put on Facebook!" One of those things that most people talk about doing, but rarely ever mean.

I just assumed this was one of those. I just assumed he would keep saying this, feeling obligated to say it, and then one day he'd officially get bored of me and it would never happen.

But then here this was, right in front of my face.

I tried to bullshit out of it. "Hmm, I don't know! I'm busy the rest of this week and this weekend, so I'm not sure. When would be good for you?" (Yeah, me. Busy. Uh huh. Busy catching up on the shows on my DVR.) After he told me in about a week or two, I said, "Well, whatever works is cool with me!" all while intending to say that I was busy for whatever day he'd say. But he figured me out.

"Lol. Figure out a day and which bookstore and how we're doing it. :P"

I must have gaped at my phone for an entire five minutes. Damn it, he was good.
So then, I go into full-on panic mode and text Best Friend Rose an entire caps-lock rant, and the gist of it's a little something like, "DREW WANTS TO MEET HE WANTS TO MEET OH MY FREAKING GOD TELL ME WHAT TO DO JDGJGDJGDJG HELP MEEEEEEEEE"

I had to send it like 4 times because for some irritating reason, Best Friend Rose decided at that very vital moment to either have her phone away from her or be distracted. Then, when she finally replied, I gave her a little more explanation, and then she very cruelly decided that it would do me some good for her not to tell me how to handle my guy problems for once.
And then I nearly threw my phone across the room, wanting very badly to hire a voodoo priest to make a voodoo doll BFR so I could throw M&M's at it and then real M&M's would fly at real Best Friend Rose's face and she'd keep wondering where in the world those M&M's were coming from. That would show her. Mmhmm.

So after about 45 minutes of intense thought, and torturing myself over what to say, I finally gave in, telling him that anytime after this weekend I would be free, and that we could meet there.

And so he picks Tuesday.

TUESDAY. FUCKING NEXT TUESDAY.

Excuse the language, but I thought it was pretty appropriate, considering this is the moment when I feel my heart squeeze and then drop like a tightly closed fist into my stomach.

So what do I say? No? No! I can't say no, because I do want to meet him. I swear I do. We have tons in common, get along really well, and I'm pretty sure I would hate myself if I don't take this chance, because I knew I'd regret it if I didn't. So I say that it's fine. And I feel something crawling up my throat and a wave of nausea hits me.

Shortly after that, he tells me goodnight, and he goes to bed. And I start to get dizzy, start to feel tears stinging the back of my throat. Why?

Because I'm terrified.

I can honestly say that I've hardly ever felt a fear like that before, Internet.
I can't put my finger on why the panic hit me so suddenly. Maybe it was because I'm terrified of change, terrified of not knowing things, terrified of not feeling in control, and this situation involved all three.

Maybe it was because this whole thing became a lot more real than I ever thought it would.

I usually cry to relieve stress when I'm overwhelmed, or when I'm panicking. Both of which I felt at that moment. I did okay at first. Only cried for about a few minutes. I did alright.
Until this morning. Because right when I woke up, I remembered exactly what worries had kept me awake for quite a while the night before. And I walked straight downstairs to talk with my mom. And I flipped out. Full-on sobbing, shaking, getting dizzy, everything. And I told her everything.

Mind you, me and my mom are thisclose. She's one of my best friends, I swear, and I talk to her about everything.
So we talk about this, after her trying to get me to calm down (which didn't work, because I probably cried for an hour straight anyway) and we both decide that I'm definitely not ready to meet him Tuesday. After telling me that she was willing to give me a ride there (which I'd need either way because I still don't have my license), she tells me that she could probably only do it during the weekday about two weeks from now, since she has work. This sounds a lot more graspable to me.

So in the end, I told Drew today that next week wouldn't work after all, and that I could probably do the week after. He was fine with it, to my relief. I didn't want him to think I was canceling because I wasn't interested in meeting him, because I am. Like, I really am. Probably more than I should be.

I'm still nervous and scared as hell, but I've calmed down a lot, considering I finally stopped crying like a big fat ridiculous crybaby. But is this considered a date? I have NO IDEA.

It sounds more like hanging out, just a kind of getting-to-know-you thing, but even then, thinking about it still makes me want to throw up.

At this point, I don't even know what's going on. I thought he wasn't interested in me in that way at all. Not the slightest bit.
But the past few days he's gotten a bit...not flirtier, really. Maybe. More open, I guess? He's been joking with me and teasing me more, but that doesn't say anything, not really.

But THEN two days ago, completely randomly and out of the blue, he sent me a goodnight text. A goodnight text message. Do guy friends do that? And he seems like he really wants to meet me. A lot. Why?

I'm so confused Internet. I'm completely lost. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Ever. I don't know what to do.

I'm starting to think that maybe I bit off more than I could chew.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: drew, life, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, summer

present me past me

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."

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