There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
if you'd like to be listed here, let me know!
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Hey, Internet.

So, since my date with Kenneth, things have pretty much gone back to normal. I've been talking to my friends, working on my diet (including trying new recipes to try, I'm getting back into cooking and forgot how much how much I used to love it!) and working out.

I also talk to Kenneth once every few days, not about much really, just catching up and some small talk.

Despite all of the initial similarities to my experience with Drew, this whole thing with Kenneth has gone way better. I think it partly has to do with the fact that I'm older now, and slightly more mature and more independent than I used to be a few years ago. Part of the reason things went so downhill with Drew was that I had started to form a sort of expectation about things, since it had been the first time something like that had happened to me, I guess I was more naive about how things would work.

Also, it helped that Kenneth wasn't an ass (lol) and he actually treated me well, and that we were both clear from the start that we weren't looking for anything more than a friend.

But there's one thing that strikes me as hilarious: Let me be clear. Kenneth is an attractive man. A very, very attractive man. And in terms of all of my ideal personal preferences in terms of attraction: he's pretty much it. He works out, has a great physique, not too tall but still taller than me, sexy voice, actually knows a thing or two about my hobbies (he's Korean so he knows about kpop and kdramas and things of that nature that I'm interested in), gentlemanly, laid back, and kind.

BUT. Here's the thing. As for any sort of chemistry between us? Almost none. I'm almost 99% sure that there was 0 chemistry between us.

It's so weird because, again, for the past few years of this dry spell, if I had thought of the ideal person I'd want to date? HE WOULD BE IT. AND WE HAD NO CHEMISTRY AT ALL.

Crazy, right? CRAZY.

I suddenly have this understanding of what people who date all the time are talking about when they talk about chemistry. To be honest, I just never had enough experience with guys that were interested enough to ask me out, let alone discover if I had chemistry with someone.

And I'm starting to realize...chemistry is the thing, man. It's the foundation for feelings. If there's no chemistry...there's nothing.

Looking back, I had chemistry with Ricky Bobby. Definite chemistry with Ricky Bobby. There was always this palpable, heavy, thick, cut-the-air-with-a-knife tension between us every time we were near each other. I think he was the person I had the strongest chemistry with, even if neither of us were never willing to confront it.

And with Phil, we didn't have strong chemistry, but there was at least the nervous, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling when we talked to each other (or should I say the few times we talked to each other face to face. About him. And mostly him. Oy.). Even if I didn't have strong feelings for him, and they were fleeting, they were there.

With Drew, there was no chemistry. None. I was nervous around him, but I think that mostly came from the fact that I was meeting a stranger for the first time. There was really no physical attraction, at all.

But with Kenneth.....still no chemistry. But I was attracted to him! Extremely! He might be the single most attractive man to ever speak to me in my entire life! But..........still.........no.........chemistry.

I'm baffled, Internet. Simply baffled.

I mean...maybe it's partly because of the age difference. Maybe because we're aware of such a gap between us, not just age but our completely different lifestyles because of our ages, we're extra cautious about it. Or maybe it's all hormones and there just truly wasn't a connection on any other level besides getting along.

Part of me really wonders if I've lost the ability to feel that way about someone. That I only got that feeling with Ricky Bobby because I was really young, and it was the first time that I'd gotten really serious feelings for somebody.

But maybe that's just what it is. It's supposed to be rare, that's what makes it so special. I guess we're not meant to have strong chemistry with everybody that's attractive to us. And let's be real, that would get really messy for everybody. And painful. And crazy. But...chemistry. Man. What an interesting concept.

There was this reality show I watched a few days ago (I forgot the name of it, it was a Korean show). The basic idea of it was that the show selected 3 people and asked them what their ideal type was. Asked for as many details of their ideal type that they could come up with, like if they had a ~dream person~, who would it be. Then, after learning about all of this, they searched for a person that came the absolute closest to their ideal type and set them up together. Then for 30 days, they had to be an official couple and see how things go. And at the end of the 30 days, if they'd developed feelings for each other, then they would stay together.

It was SO good and hilarious and interesting that I watched all of the episodes back to back and finished it in one night. What struck me as the most interesting of all was that none of the 3 couples stayed together after the 30 days. There was even one couple, who were the youngest, both being 23 (I think? Or 21?) that had GREAT chemistry from the get go and by the end of the 30 days, the girl had utterly lost interest and was even a little annoyed by him.

It was fascinating and telling I think, because it showed even more that you could have the blueprint of your perfect ideal person laid out, detail by detail, and in the end you still might not have any feelings for that person at all when you meet them face to face.

So, when it comes down to it...I guess I don't really have an ideal type.

There are definitely some standout aspects that are still very important to me in what I'm looking for (gentleman that treats me well, sweet, smart, and an overall decent person), but now that I've gone out on a date with someone that definitely would have been my ideal type physically.....I know for sure that in the end an ideal type won't matter to me anyway.

After all, all of the guys that I have been into in the past have all been polar opposites from one another. I think I've said this before: I don't have a type, I just know what I like when I see it.
And I am pretty picky, I admit, but I don't discriminate over the trivial things (eye color, skin color, ethnicity, race, etc etc etc) and when I like what I see, then that's just what it is.

This was an eye opening experience for me in more than one aspect, and I think now that I'm starting to learn these things, I would be more open to going on a few dates once in a while.

I definitely won't be doing it frequently, but here and there can't hurt, right? Nothing awful came from this date with Kenneth, and in the end I felt proud of myself for doing it and putting myself out there for once.

Baby steps, Internet. Baby steps.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: drew, kenneth, phil, ricky bobby, tinder

Oh, Internet. Can I be straight with you?

It's that time again.

No, not my period, I finished that a few days ago, but thanks for asking. (Period jokes. Funny? Not funny? Gross? Probably the last one.)

Nope. It's that time again when I blog to whine about being single.

I KNOW, I KNOW. Those of you that have been reading my blog for a while are probably so sick of this, and for that I give you my sympathies. Trust me, I'm getting tired of it too. But when you've essentially had a non-stop romantic dry spell for a consecutive 19 years it's hard not to complain at least a little bit.

A few days ago, I had an emotional day. To be fair, I was on the tail end of my period, and my emotions tend to get haywire and the last days of it, so it was to be expected. But still, I felt pretty lousy. I basically went to bed the night before crying and then woke up and started crying some more.

I just kept thinking about how all this time, hell, throughout all of my teenage years until now, I've never ever had a boyfriend. Ever.

Boyfriend? What is that? Is it a sport?? Is it something I can play on a gaming console???

But seriously though. It's like.....I keep looking at all these people around me that have at the very least--at the very least--had one relationship. Everyone. Every single person that I know. Literally. All in different shapes and sizes, different personalities, lifestyles, religions, what have you. They've all been in at least one relationship. And then there's me.

It's not even like I mope around 24/7 always weeping at my singleness and wailing to the heavens "WHY ME?!?" I'd like to think that to people that don't know me very well, I seem to handle it very well, almost like I don't even care. And really, half the time, I don't. Half the time I just think, 'Well yeah, I haven't had a boyfriend, but I'll get one eventually, so who cares? I don't need one right now anyway.'

But then also half of the time, I think about it, I mean really think about it, and just think: 'What did I do to deserve this?'

And it's not that I'm desperate or anything, because if I was truly desperate, I would have just gone for anybody by now. If I were desperate, I would just throw myself at any guy that shows me the slightest bit of attention, whether they were good for me or not.

Hell no, I don't do that. I would never do that. Why? Because I have standards, and I respect myself more than that.

And I'd also like to think that when the time comes for my first relationship, I'll be very cautious about getting into it, because I know how easily I can get hurt. I know it doesn't seem like it from the other side of the computer screen, but I'm really very sensitive. I always have been. I'm better than I used to be, my skin has gotten a lot thicker, but as a kid, if someone even looked at me the wrong way, I would almost start to cry.

I think that's why I really have never initiated any sort of relationship with someone, or have even blatantly shown my interest in someone (besides Phil, that is), because when I'm rejected, I take it very personally. I know that's not the healthy attitude to have with dating, and it can drive a person crazy, but I can't help myself. For me to even muster up the courage to approach someone that way takes so much effort, so much that sometimes I can't even make myself do it, and when that's thrown back in my face, it hurts like hell.

Maybe if I'd ever tried to start anything with anyone, I might have had a boyfriend by now. But something like that is just too risky, too scary to even think about.

And speaking of interest...interest. What does that mean? I don't know anymore.

It's been three years now since I've last had a crush on somebody. Three stinkin' years. I don't even remember what it feels like anymore.

I admit, Drew came close. I thought I was starting to develop some sort of feelings for him, starting, but as soon as he passively rejected me after the ONE date I went on with him, that all went in a fat flaming rocket straight to hell. And even though Phil was the last guy I had a 'crush' on, I'm still hesitant to call it that.

My crush on Phil was never the nervous-to-be-around-him, weak-everytime-I-look-at-him, I-can't-remember-how-to-breathe-properly-when-he-smiles-at-me crush. It was just a "Oh hey, you're kinda cute. Oh you think I'm cute, too? Well then I think I probably like you." kind of thing. Not in the least bit serious, and I'm prone to having serious crushes, so I don't know how that even happened. Plus Phil, as I've learned in the past 3 years since, isn't prone to having anything serious, so I guess I dodged that bullet while I was ahead.

So, yeah. Crushes. What are those? Unless you count celebrity crushes, which most people don't, then I haven't had one of those in a long time. And no one's had one on me, that I know of.


It just..........I can't even explain how it feels. It's one giant falcon kick to the stomach, you know? It doesn't feel good at all, not one little bit, and the pain kind of leaves you breathless. 


It's like....this is how it feels not to be wanted. And I mean really, truly, wanted. For who you are. And I've felt that way for a few people my whole life, but no one's felt that way for me. I don't think there's anything worse in this entire world.


How to remedy this? I honestly have no idea. 


There's online dating, but ever since Drew, that seems to have made things worse. I've since discovered that it's really not for me, and I haven't met anyone on there to convince me otherwise. 


There's also continuing on with life, try to ignore it, and accomplish things in the meantime, only I've been doing that for a long time, and the feeling gets worse with time. And I keep thinking about all the things people around me have experienced that I haven't (in terms of romance). First hand holding. First kiss. First prom date. Sometimes even first love. And it conjures up this unbearable bitterness inside of me.


It's cheesy, I know. But all I want is someone that thinks I'm attractive, and tells me. Someone to call me annoying, cringe-worthy pet names. Someone to hug me just because. Someone to talk to and to ask how I'm doing, because they want to. Someone to kiss me and mean it. Someone to want me. Someone to call me theirs. And someone that I can do all of that for in return. That's all I want. Is that too fucking much to ask for?


I'm only 19, and I know none of that is important right now. I know I don't need a boyfriend, or a relationship. But I want one. For God's sake, JUST ONE. That's all I want right now.

I know it inevitably ends in heartbreak, and I'm still scared of being hurt, but honestly my bitterness right now is overwhelming any of those fears. And I feel like this feeling is worse than heartbreak, because at least with heartbreak I would have known what it feels like to be wanted at some point. I just hate that I haven't experienced this not even once in my whole life, and I'm so sick of feeling this way.

And even if I had a crush right now, and it was unrequited (as always), at least I would know what it feels like to want someone. I don't even have that.

This sounds so dramatic, I'm sorry. But this feeling has just been building up and building up and up and up and at this point I don't know when it'll end.

I haven't even logged onto my OKCupid account lately because even though I'm not desperate, I'm sure as hell getting there. It would be dangerous to even log in while feeling this way, because I might forget my standards altogether and say yes to the first guy that propositions me. (Kidding, I wouldn't. But I would consider it for longer than I care to admit.) I'll stay away from it until I calm down. Or maybe get some therapy.

So, what to do about it? Nothing. As always.

Since I'm so emotional right now I think I'll go write. I always have written better when I'm emotional.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: bitterness, drew, dry spells, life, love, phil, would you like cheese with your whine

Internet!

I have good news. Phil's status WASN'T about me! He quickly made sure to shoot down all the people who commented, saying, "No!! It's NOT Sarah! She's Mexican, actually."
Relief, right?

Buuut, before we celebrate, there was one more thing.
He had another status about a week and a half ago, that said this: "Thinking about her ;)". And I'm 100% positive it's NOT me this time. BUT.
I started stalking the comments, and there's a whole bunch of them underneath, but a few that caught my attention were these, among a conversation about hot this girl he was thinking about was:

Burrito (see October entries for reference, more specifically, 'Noodles and Butter Knives'): Sounds hot
Phil: Ya she is hot like sarah
Burrito: Well how hot do you think she is?

And then no answer. Might've been an inside joke kinda thing, and I'm being overly paranoid, but...yeah. So...maybe this is a win, and maybe it isn't?
Who knows. But at least it ended up being nothing and I can continue on not blogging about him anymore. Let's hope, right?

So, in other non-Phil news, lately I've been thinking about something. And it's something that I notice every holiday season, but I'm just now realizing it again now.

Christmas couples are freaking annoying.

I'm not talking about couples that have been and were already together before the holiday season. No no. I'm talking about those obnoxious people that only start dating someone they think they like because they don't want to be single for Christmas. The ones that flaunt it all over Facebook and take 6839375 kissing pictures of them and their 'lover' (for the moment) and only post their status updates about how wonderful it is to have a boyfriend/girlfriend and OH MY GOD MY BOYFRAN GOT ME THIS FOR CHRISTMAS AND OMGGG I LUB HIM SOOOO MUCH. EVERY KISS BEGINS WITH KAY.

Shut up. Just. Shut up. I want to punch them all in the face.

And this isn't just the single/bitter/forever alone/cat lady in me speaking, this is just me in general. It's driving me insane. EVERYDAY on Facebook, I'm seeing a new 'So-and-so is in a relationship' and its getting super old.

I mean, come on. We all know that the majority of these Christmas couples are going to be gone by the second week of January. Or, even worse, they'll force it until Valentine's Day, and then break up two days afterward.

And I know people hate being single during the holidays, trust me, I totally get that (been single every Christmas of my life thus far), but to try and fool yourself (or the person you're 'dating', or everyone else for that matter) into thinking that you're really in that relationship because you want to be with them, and not because you don't want to be single for the Holidays?

Come on. That's bordering on ridiculous. And yet tons of people do it. I'll never understand it.

Anyway. My Thanksgiving was great, no drama or stress, just family and food comas, just like I like it. And I'm super excited about Christmas, just like I am every year.
Absolutely no Ricky Bobby news or ramblings this entry, aren't you proud of me, Internetz? Getting better and better lately, and honestly, I couldn't be happier.
This week is finals week, and I'm already looking forward to it being over, but who doesn't? I've already studied myself half to death, and it's not even Monday yet.

Wish me luck, Internet? I'll need it.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: christmas 2010, junior year, phil

Hey internet.

Since my last update entry, things have been fine. Last weekend, I went with Jazz, Best Friend Rose, and Kassie to see Megamind (so funny, I swear.) and then we went to Panera afterward. For some reason, though, that weekend had been pretty moody for me, which is what resulted in the Letter to Ricky Bobby entry.

Something else that resulted in the last entry was really stupid, now that I think about it, but I guess considering my fragile attempts at getting over RB lately, it just pushed me over the edge.

Let me start at the beginning. One day, maybe about two weeks ago, I logged onto Facebook. I look at my News Feed, reading everyone's status updates, including numerous ones with those stupid annoying sideways smiley faces that look like this (: because apparently, those are cooler than the ones that look like this :).

Then, I happened upon a picture upload from Johnny, and the album name of the picture said, specifically, "just for ricky bobby to sarah".
So, understandably, this catches my attention, right? So I click on it. And it turns out that the picture is a super zoomed-in picture of the snow on the mountains. Curious, considering my last status update before then had been about snow.

But, it was just a coincidence, right? I mean, I didn't see why Ricky Bobby would send me a picture, none the less through Johnny's facebook, instead of his own, and none the less a random picture of snow on the mountains.

But, it totally bothered me that I didn't know what it was really about. It bothered Rosie too, and we spent some time speculating about it. I even put an innocent comment on it, one that just said, "?".
Then, the night of the last entry, I finally found out.

Rose casually asked Johnny about it, and he said something about RB's friend (also named Sarah) from Pennsylvania wanting to see our mountains, and uploading it on Facebook because she didn't have picture mail on her phone.

And that was what pushed me off the edge.
I felt SO stupid. And it really wasn't a big deal, and Rosie told me that it was completely reasonable for me to think that it was about me, considering that I'm the only close friend named Sarah that Johnny has.
But I was humiliated. I went and immediately deleted my comment, hoping that RB hadn't seen it. Considering my past feelings for him, and him knowing it, I'm always paranoid that he still knows. Knows how much energy and tears I wasted on him after he left.

Rationally, I know that there's no way he could know. He's no mind reader. But, like when we went to Noodles & Co. and he kept staring at me across the table, I kept getting this spine-chilling feeling that he knew. Sometimes it felt like he saw through me.

So, this paranoia decided to rear its ugly head then, and I went on to rant to Best Friend Rose about why did it have to be him and when was I going to get over this and yadda yadda. And then I came on here to rant some more, thus the birth of the last entry. And then I went to have a good cry.

And then after all that, I felt perfectly fine. I felt fantastic, actually.
I just had to get all of it out, and after I did, it was like a weight off of my shoulders. I hope I didn't worry any of you with the last entry. Believe me, I'm fine now. But I gotta say, I think that entry broke the record on the highest level of emo-ness.

So now, I'm getting back on the path of where I was before, moving forward with my life. And I'm good with it.

Buuuuuut, I do have new non-Ricky Bobby news. And this time, it's about...drum roll, please...Phil.

Dun dun dun.

I might have to make a new tag for him, because gosh darn, this guy just doesn't go away. You'd think it would have ended with the whole I'll-tell-you-I-love-you-and-then-take-it-back-immediately-after-I-say-it-causing-you-to-hate-me-and-ignore-all-my-text-messages-for-forever-afterward, but apparently, dude can't take a hint.

Mind you, that whole deal went down exactly a year ago tomorrow. Last Thanksgiving. And to think that this is all happening an entire year later.

First, let me say this: the last time I talked to Phil was September. He sent me a private message on Facebook (the place starting to become the source of all my problems), and we proceeded to have a--quite literally--six line conversation, which took over the course of 3 days. It went a little something like this.

Phil: Hey havent talked to you in ever whats up?
Me: Haha yeah I know. Not much, what's up with you? (*because there are only so many ways you can respond to 'what's up', and the majority are not what people are willing to listen to. I loathe that phrase.)
Phil: Just school and crap haha u should text me sometime at (enter cell number here)
Me: Haha alright then. (*which is not a yes, obviously. Yeah, I'm gonna text you because you directly told me to. Way to lay on the moves there, pal.)
Phil: Haha cool I am going to (enter college name here) football game tomorrow!!! I can't wait (*and he told me this because I'm obviously a huge college football fan, right? I mean, I just reek of team spirit. Paint my face with the team colors, put me in a jersey, and watch out, because I'll be the loudest person in the stadium. Obviously.)
Me: Oh, that's cool. Have fun! (*otherwise translated as, 'Dude, I really don't give a crap.')

And that was all. Literally, that was the last time we talked, and what we talked about the last time we talked. The same old Phil-going-on-and-on-about-sports-or-cars-or-his money-and-me-straining-to-keep-myself-from-bashing-my-head-in kind of conversation that we always used to have. He really hasn't changed. At all.

Now for the really fun news about Phil.
Yesterday, I log onto Facebook. Again. And this time, it isn't an update from Johnny I see on my homepage. This time, it's Phil's newest status update that I see. It says, word-for-word, 'I'm in love with someone'.

Not a big deal yet, right?
But then, I read the comments. They all go a little something like this, "Hmm. Let me guess. Sarah?" or "Does it start with an S...then an A...then R..."

Oh, hell.
I know I shouldn't immediately assume it's me, but just...come on. Considering how he stalks my life, and apparently he thinks that if someone says they like you freshman year of High School, they wanna get married and have lots of babies and TRU LUV 4EVAH.

But, God. Let's all hope not. Let's all hope that, by some miracle, it's some other Sarah (because, hey. Sarah may as well be the female version of Ricky Bobby. Sarahs left and right.) I suppose we'll see, shall we?

xo Hopeless Romantic

(ps. Happy Thanksgiving!)

Labels: junior year, phil, ricky bobby

Labels: life, phil, sophomore year

So, Internet, we meet again.

Here's the thing, the story I have for you is much too long (you know how I can go on and on about something, and this entry is an EMERGENCY, and I don't have time for long!!) , therefore, I will use bullet points.

• Remember Phil? He's back. And with drama.
• Turns out he wasn't as uninterested as I thought he became.
• A month and a half ago, one of my friends, Colbie, told me she talked to him and he said he still liked me. Alot.
• Skip ahead two weeks to football game, he doesn't talk to me at all. Not even a hi.
• Skip ahead a few more weeks to today.
• I get a text from him this morning saying 'Hey suo'. I wasn't sure what 'suo' meant, and I even asked my cousin, whom I was talking with. I was then pretty sure it was a typo, so I let it go and replied, 'Oh hey! Happy Thanksgiving. :))'
• Then basically, we talk about how we've been and school and crap. Really casual, boring stuff. And it lasts through to the early evening. How it lasted that long is a mystery to me, he's not very good at conversation.
• I don't know why I'm still using bullet points, this is still long.
• Anway, eventually I stop replying, because the conversation is going nowhere anyway.
• Then, he sends me another text an hour later, saying these exact words, I swear on my life: 'I love you. Sorry i didnt say it before'.
• ">:O" was my face after reading that.
• I then proceeded to text Best Friend Rose, caps lock and a million exclamation points included, and then proceeded to forward the text message from Phil to her.
• She then proceeded to reply with the words, 'AHHHHHHHH HOLY S**T WTF!?!?!????!?! KDHDNDBZ'. It sort of resembled the one I sent.
• Then, while we were discussing what I should say to him, which took about half and hour, he sent me another text, saying 'Well, not love, love is a strong word. I meant i like you.'
• .......Okay then. Like. Like is easier to swallow, easier to wrap my mind around. But I'm still kind of freaking out here.
• So then I proceeded to forward that text to Rose as well. She said, "He only said that cuz you took so long to replyy!! Whatta tard. Umm, okay, just be like, 'Really? Cause I haven't seen you in so long.'"
• So that's what I said. And he said, 'I know'......okay. So then Rose tells me to say, "So, why do you still like me?"
• I hesitated before sending that one. It seemed a little harsh to me. But I wanted to know, so I did.
• No answer.
• This would have been okay if he had said he liked me in the first place. Like. But no. He said LOVE. And I knew that he said like afterwards because he chickened out.
• So then, an hour later, I text him again and say, "Because I honestly thought you stopped liking me a while ago."
• Then, Phil replies and says, 'Ohhh my sister is sooo stupid she did that I am so sorry'.
• ........
• WHAT. THE. F**K?!
• First of all, that was the dumbest excuse I've ever heard in my life. Even my grandmother would know that that is the most over used, uncreative and cliched excuse known to man.
• Second of all, does he really think I'm that stupid?
• Third, all this just because he chickened out of telling me he loved me? How immature is that? What, are we in the sixth grade?
• If a guy is gonna tell me he loves me, I at least want him to have the balls not to back out of it 30 minutes later.
• Besides, if he backed out of it so fast, it wasn't real love anyway. And I don't need that. I need passion.
• I feel like I got cheated out of a first 'i love you' from a guy. I'm livid. Seriously.
• I didn't realize how immature he really is until this. I thought maybe he had a little more maturity than he gave off, but come on. This is like, a rediculous amount of immaturity here. I didn't know High School boys were capable of such immaturity.
• Then again, it is High School boys that we're talking about here.

So, there we go. The longest, most complicated, bullet-pointed entry ever. I think I'll go stuff my face with leftover stuffing and mashed potatoes now. Happy Thanksgiving.

Cheated out of her first 'I love you',

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: phil, sophomore year

Hey Internet!

So, I'm finally going to fill you in on everything that happened with Phil during the rest of the school year. I can't believe I put it off for this long, there's so much to tell you! But to make things easier, I'll use bullet points.

• Girl finally approaches boy about the so-called 'mutual like' and asks him straight up, to-his-face if he likes her. Boy says yes.
• Things are less awkward and feel less forced now that everything is out in the open.
• Then, the very last day of school, there is a slightly awkward, hugless goodbye.
• Girl is slightly disappointed, but Best Friend Rose says that it would have probably been awkward anyway. Girl agrees.
• Boy then takes a two month-long trip to Europe- Germany and Italy to be exact.
• Girl and boy's somewhat 'relationship', if it was considered that since they didn't even start dating, starts to dwindle over time.
• Girl completely loses interest. Boy's status unknown.
• The End.

Sadly, that is where this tale ends. So far, at least.

And, it's not like I didn't try to keep in touch with Phil. I really, truly did. He has a Facebook, and I tried talking to him, but he was so busy, he couldn't find the time to reply until mostly weeks later. And I could sort of tell by the way he replied that he wasn't really interested in talking to me.

So, it's okay.

I'm a little disappointed, but to be honest, I wasn't as into him as I've been into other guys. Sometimes, it felt like he liked me more than I liked him. And that wasn't fair to him. So, I think it's better this way.

And I know that there will come guys that I will like ten times more than I liked Phil. Here's to hoping for a significant number of new guys at our school next school year.

And here's to hoping that a 'summer thing' that I've been hoping for will happen.

Ever since I was young, I've always wanted a Summer Romance. Doesn't that sound so romantic? Just the concept of it sends my heart into a frenzy.

And it's July already!

I don't have a summer job this summer. Well, I was supposed to work for my dad, but I guess he decided he didn't want to hire me anymore. So, no summer job. I barely get to leave the house during the week because, 1: I can't legally drive myself yet, and 2: There's never anyone to drive me places. because trust me, if I did, I would definately go places. Everyone's always at work or something.

So I'm stuck in the house all the time, wasting away, getting paler, watching suckish daytime T.V.

Let's hope my summer gets a kick-start...and soon!

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: phil, summer

Labels: freshman year, phil

Labels: freshman year, phil

I love this picture. I just thought I'd brighten the mood a bit after that moody last entry. :D

Anyway, I have news on Phil!
About a week after all that I blogged about him before, it turned out that he actually liked Lizzie, Jessica Simpson's ex-BFF.
So, I was all disappointed and crap, so I decided to go back to not liking anyone after that.

Then, about a month later (aka, last week), Best friend Rose and I were talking with one of our good friends, Gene, at lunch. He's an awesome guy, we talk with him about everything! He even gossips with us. Then, Phil walks by, and Phil and Gene are pretty good friends so they talk about something, and then Phil leaves. As soon as he leaves, Gene says, "He's so cool."
And I say, without thinking, of course, "Yeah, he seems cool. I think he's cute."
Then Gene goes all gossip-girl-y. "Oh my God, really?? You guys would be a cute couple."
I look at Rose and say, "Really?" And they both nod their heads yes. Then I tell Gene about the whole Phil-Lizzie thing.
"Ew, that's weird. She's not even that pretty. You hotter than her, Sarah."
I say, "Aw, thanks Gene."
And he goes, "I should talk to him about you!" After I hesitantly agree, after about five minutes of convincing, we come up with an awesome elaborate super-spy plan.

The plan was to have me leave, buying random crap at the lunch line, and then Gene goes and talks to Phil , while Rose stays at the table and waits for us. Well, we go through with the plan, and it turns out Gene told Phil he should "Pursue Me". xDDD

But, it also turns out that Gene should be a matchmaker, because when I was with my friend, another Sarah, in the library during Eighth Hour, Phil came and sat with us. We all talked, and by the end, I had Phil's number and he had mine.
:D
Then, the past week, we've been talking more and more, and I've come to find that he's really nice.

And then today, in English, second hour...I found out something.
Today, he worked with Jessica Simpson on the classwork. The past week, I had worked with both of them, but today, they had their desks pushed together, and they shared a book. Now, I knew that Jessica Simpson always forgets to bring her English book to class, and he was probably just being nice and sharing his with her so that she could get it done in class.

But, I was so so jealous.

And Jessica Simpson's my friend, so I know that she would never do that to me (she knows the whole situation). But I was super jealous! And you know what jealousy means, Internet....

I think I might like him.
I have that floaty-crush feeling that I haven't had in forever. I actually forgot what it felt like until now.

But, I can't. Not yet. I have to know if he likes me too. I've too many times been a victim of unrequited crushes. But, I think this time, it might actually become a possibility.

Today, my friend Sarah told me that she asked Phil if he thought certain girls were cute. First she asked about Jessica Simpson, and he said yes. Then, she asked about a girl named Katy in our grade, and he said yes. Then, she asked about Best friend Rose, and I swear, this was his exact response:
"Hmm, I don't know...but, that girl Sarah is cute."

Internet, I think that is a fantastic start.

PS: Sapphire, thank you! It'll definately be different this time. :D

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: freshman year, phil

Okay. So, Best Friend Rose told me that the same day the weird thing that happened to me with Fiddy, the weird thing happened to her too!

In English, (she still has English with him) she had to use a calculator to find the percentage grade of the person's paper she was grading. Fiddy was nearby, and he had a calculator, so she asked him if she could barrow it. He gave it to her, and after she was done, he came over to her desk. When she said, "Here you go!" and held the calculator out to him, the weirdest thing happened.
She said he just stood there, staring into her eyes. Like, his eyes were boring into hers! Rose isn't intimidated by that like I am (when he did that to me, I couldn't look at him for more than 3 seconds. xD) so she stared back, comepletely thrown off. She said she didn't know what to do, and it felt like forever until he finally took the calculator and walked away.

She described it as weird, too. By now, we both know his tricks. We spent the rest of the conversation trying to think of what he was up to.

By the way, he still has that 'girlfriend'. You know, the poor girl that goes to another school and has no idea about his playboy ways? He finally posted a picture of him and her together on myspace. It looked like they were dressed up for Sadie's, (Which, by the way, I didn't go to that. I just didn't feel like it. haha.) and Fiddy had a forced-looking smile on his face. I'm just wondering how long he's going to lead her on like this. She looks like such a nice girl.

Meanwhile, every morning in second period, Phil continues to stare at me. By Wednesday, I start to realize that maybe it's not a coincidence. After all, on Wednesday, I spent so much time curling my hair (it takes forever, my hair's so long!) that I couldn't pick out an outfit, so I just wore a hoodie, skinny jeans, and my new moccasin flats (which I love by the way.). It was a sute outfit, I guess, but not super-i-spent-forever-picking-this-out-cute, you know? And he still stared. At first, maybe I thought there was something wrong, like I had something on my face or something like that.

But his expression wasn't disgusted.

And honestly, Phil isn't bad at all. I don't understand why he hangs out with Derek all the time, because I personally think he could do better (sorry, I just really don't like Derek. hahaha.). And, really, he is so cute. Really, he is. He has really nice, long brown hair that falls into his blue eyes, and he has a cute nose! Haha. He has freckles, and for some reason, I love freckles. Yeah, he's really cute.

I realized something too...he reminds me alot of Ricky Bobby. His personality, his style, and his looks, except for the fact that Ricky Bobby has green eyes instead of blue.

It's almost weird how much he reminds me of Ricky Bobby.

But I won't assume anything yet. I don't wanna just assume anything, because I've been so careful with guys. I don't want to risk my heart again.

But even into Thursday, he stared at me.

Then came Friday, the craziest day of all.
My day started off with Phil staring at me, and I even caught his eyes with mine a few times. And when he stared at me, I mean, every chance he got, he stared. Even when I wasn't doing anything, like staring into space. Even when I was talking to Jessica Simpson (see past entires for refrence), he just stared. I was beginning to feel flattered. Though I didn't want to assume things, I couldn't help being flattered.

Then, when walking to my fifth hour class with Best Friend Rose, we happened to walk past Fiddy. I watched from my perefial vision, and I saw his gaze switch from Rose to me, then to Rose, then to me again. Rose hadn't noticed, but I ended up telling her later.

Then during lunch, the table Rose and I usually sat at was full, so we sat at the one next to it. I hadn't brought enough money to get a slice of pizza, so as I stood, I asked Rose who she though I could borrow money from. She suggested AJ, and I looked around the entire Cafeteria to find him.
"Are you sure he's here today?" I asked her, and when I glanced over to where Fiddy's table was near, and I accidentally glanced at Fiddy. He was watching me, and I looked away quickly and pulled at my clothes. Even though I don't like him, I don't think any girl couldn't feel self-concious and nervous under his gaze.
"Maybe he's not," Rose replied. I nodded, and I glanced around the Cafeteria one last time. I didn't see him, so I almost looked back at Rose. Before I did, though, I noticed Fiddy and Amazon (also see past entires for refrence) getting up from their table. I shook it off, assuming they were getting food or something. Out of my perefial vision, I saw that they were watching us as they walked.

'No,' I thought. 'They can't be...'

Sure enough, a few seconds later, they were greeting us.

"Heyyyy!" Fiddy says. "What's goin' on?"

Amazon grabs a chair. "Mind if we sit with you guys?"

My eyebrows were raised, and since I couldn't respond, Rose replied, "Sure, go ahead!"

We exchange a quick, 'WTF' glance, too quick for them to notice, because they seemed to be having a silent exchange themselves. So, Fiddy tries to sit next to Rose, but then Amazon sits next to her. (Oh! By the way, Rose and Amazon are pretending to date. Its weird. Like, the kind of pretending, as in, everyone knows its pretending. Like, 'just joking around' pretending...yeah. It's really weird.) So Fiddy goes, "Well, fine! I'd rather sit next to Sarah anyways!"

I chuckle, but inside, I'm totally freaking out. I'm like, 'What's going on?!'

So then I see Jessica Simpson walk by the enterence, and I say, "Haha, well, I'll be right back."

Behind me, I hear Fiddy say, "Well, gosh!" All jokingly. Rose and Amazon laugh. I don't bother to turn around and laugh with them over my shoulder, I'm too freaked out.

I say hi to Jessica Simpson and give her a hug (we're really good friends now! She's a doll.) and ask her if I could borrow a dollar. She gives me one, I thank her, and I buy a slice of pizza. The whole time I'm away from the table, I'm 1. Glad none of them at the table can see me, because I'm having a mild nervous breakdown, and 2. Wondering how the hell I'm going to eat in front of them. (I have this issue with eating in front of guys. I'm not sure why, I just get super self-concious!)

So I start to return to the table, and Fiddy is sitting in my seat next to Rose. I sigh and shake my head. By now, I'm pretty sure I know what he's up to.

I finally reach the table, and I say, "Oh, I see how it is, Fiddy." And with a smile, I reach to move my stuff over to the next empty seat.

He pretends to be innocent. "Oh, sorry! Do you want me to move?"

"No, it's alright." I almost said yes, but I wanted to see how he would use this to his advantage. So, I sat down, and I noticed that Amazon was putting cream cheese on Rose's bagel for her. I chuckled under my breath and resisted the urge to roll my eyes. This was beginning to be too much. They were so obvious, it was almost disgusting.

Fiddy and I watched Rose and Amazon banter back and forth flirtatiously (I really think they like eachother secretly or something) and Amazon tried to figure out the unlock code for Rose's phone. I could feel the awkward air between Fiddy and I, and I also knew he wanted me to start a conversation between us. I wouldn't ever grant him that pleasure. :]

During all this, I awkwardly picked at my pizza crust and ate small pieces at a time. I couldn't risk getting pepperoni getting stuck in my teeth now. xD

After Fiddy tried unlocking Rose's phone, I smirked and said aloud, "I know it."

All three looked at me, and Rose said, "Don't tell them!!"

"I won't!" I said, and took her phone. I entered the password and her wallpaper greeted me. I waved it in front of them and said, "Ha-ha!" Then quickly took it back and locked it again.

They tried to badger me to tell them what it was, and Fiddy tried to seduce me with his eyes. Haha! It didn't work on me once. I was extememly proud of myself.

Finally lunch was over, they left, and I could finally shove my pizza down my throat. xD

After they left, Rose and I looked at eachother, and she said, "Uhh...what just happened?"
Neither of us had any idea.

And then concludes the weirdest week of my life.
Sorry it was so long. ><;;
It's like a freakin' novel. Haha.

I'll update you on more stuff later!

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: freshman year, phil

So, Internet...

Ahhhhhh! D:

This week was insane. Seriously. So much happened, I didn't even know what to think!

Except for the fact that the entire week, I kept thinking, 'I have to blog about this!!'
I might have to make this into two parts, because it's going to be long!
So, let's start with Monday.

It started out like any other boring Monday. The first half was completely normal. Except for the fact that mine and Rose's other friend, Autumn, started blowing us off. So that was like, 'okay, fine, whatever.' But then, The second half starting getting weird. So, I only have 6 classes during the day, because I didn't have a first hour to begin with, and then when I wanted a study hall eighth hour, the office just gave me no eighth hour instead.
Yeah, it's awesome. Haha. But anyway, so I go to the school library to do homework during 'eighth hour', because I hate doing homework at home for some reason.

So, It's eighth hour, and I realize I forgot to get one of my books for my homework, so I leave my stuff in the library and go to my locker to get it. I get my book, and then heading back to the library, guess who turns a corner in the hallway?

Fiddy.

Yup. And it was extremely awkward, because, 1. There was nobody else in the hallway except for us two. And 2. I hadn't talked to him at all from December to that day. So, despite the awkwardness, I just gave him a small smile. Instead of smiling back or waving or saying hi like a normal person, he just stared at me. I mean, like, his eyes were practically boring into me!

It was so weird. So, I just kinda kept walking, casually running my fingers through my hair (something I do to distract myself). Ahh, it was the weirdest thing!

And then, when I got back to the library, after a while of working, an annoying boy named Derek came in. Now first, before you judge, Derek annoys everyone. He shouts sexual profanities in the hallways, he never brings his stuff to class, and he's always late to his classes. I'm really amazed that the school hasn't kicked him out yet.

And Derek has a liking to bugging the hell out of me, since he knows I espacially don't like him. So, he comes into the library with his friend, Phil, and he shouts "Sarah!! Sarah!!"

I slowly look at him, glaring. "What?" I reply impatiently.

"Um, Uhh, Uh.." He punches Phil in the arm. "PHIL WANTS YOU!"

My eyebrows raise. "Excuse me?"

Phil puts his hands up defensively. "No!! No!! Don't believe him!! Don't believe anything he says!! No!!"

All the while, Derek is laughing his head off. I shake my head.

"Uh...okay."

They start to walk off, and I get back to work. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Phil pushing Derek in a way you push someone when you're annoyed with them. I listen closely, and I hear Phil say, "If you ever do that again, I will kill you. That is a threat."
And then I hear Derek reply, "But it's true! OW!"
Phil hits him again and says. "I don't care! Never do that again!"

For reasons I can't fathom, the librarian isn't telling them to shut up. But she's a pretty cool librarian. She's in her late 20's and actually knows how to dress. She's really nice, too.

Anyway, I after this, I couldn't focus on my homework at all. After both of these events, I was seriously a little freaked out, and I wondered if there was something in the water at school.

After the last bell rang, I practically ran to the car. I couldn't wait to get away from that crazy place!! xD;

Then, the next morning, I go to my second period class. Phil is in my second period class. I didn't really even notice that fact at all until yesterday. During the whole class, he wouldn't stop staring at me. I mean, really staring at me. Like, even when I accidently glanced at him, he didn't look away. Each time, I just told myself it was a coincidence.

Later that day, I was talking to Best Friend Rose about what happened the day before with Fiddy. After I finish telling her, she tells me that he had been doing the same with her! As in, staring her down, acting weird.

Yes, folks, Fiddy is at it again.
And that's not even part of it! Read part 2!

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: freshman year, phil

present me past me