There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
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Hey Internet!

Yes, I am alive. After my big writing challenge month, I needed some time to unwind and let the soreness leave my hands. (Seriously, I wrote 50,000 words in a month. My hands were SCREAMING.)

So! To keep things a little simpler, let me utilize some bullet points to let you know what's been going on lately.

I:

• Finished the writing challenge successfully, with 50,000 words accomplished
• Felt super jazzed and excited, then a little dumbfounded for a couple days after I finished--kinda like, "Welp. I finished this big giant thing, What now?"
• Began editing the first draft I wrote
• Thought about Jazz's wedding a little more, realized her and her hubs have been having weekend grillouts in their backyard that I knew nothing about and wasn't invited to. Oh.
• Began saving up money for my first official piece of furniture in my main/living room, which will enable me to finally use that room more than I have for the year and a half I've been in this house. (A futon. Next will be a microwave. Movie/k-drama nights will be upgraded by 1000. Can you say a comfy seat curled up with blanket, some popcorn, hot cocoa, or bowl ramen? And in my own living room! Woo!)
• Also started thinking more about the Brennan thing, then started...feeling...bad? Yep. And a little sad.
• Got some bad news about school and had to deal with the emotional aftermath.

Labels: brennan, college, disappointment, fear, jazz, okcupid, social media

Internet, hey!!

So. I've been pretty busy the past month, which is why I haven't updated, and guess what for?

Preparation. For. School.

Yup. You read that right. School. Me. Going to school. After waiting for two years--but really, more like 5 years. Sitting in an actual classroom, listening to an actual lecture, having actual homework. For the first time in 5 whole years.

Mind blown, right?

I started last week. It's still really surreal...I didn't think it would feel real until I stepped through the doors of the campus on my first day. It felt sort of real then, and then felt sort of real on my second day. I think it'll feel sort of real doing and then submitting my first real homework too.

I think it'll finally feel like a solid, tangible, real thing that's happening when going to class becomes routine, and I get used to it. Maybe it hasn't fully hit me yet because it still feels like a special occurrence, like a two time thing and then that's it.

But still...it's happened. After all this time, it's happened.

Let me tell you all about the craziness leading up to it:

I knew I wanted--no, NEEDED--to start school this semester, or I would go completely raving, twitching, chair throwing insane. The anticipation has been building and building inside of me since this time last year, especially considering how things collapsed and didn't work out then. Ever since, I've been thinking restlessly about it.

I'd been feeling especially...how do I put it? Kind of...pathless. I'd been feeling especially pathless lately. Kind of empty. For a bit, I was okay with my lifestyle: no school and no job to fill my time, spending it bettering myself and doing things that I liked to do. But in recent months, that wasn't enough anymore. The things I filled my time with before were fragile and shallow, and only kept me happy for so long before I felt miserable again.

Not to mention that goals I had once set for myself had disappeared somewhere along the way, making me feel like my future was non-existent. That's how I knew that it was time now for school, for real this time.

So, I worked hard.

I studied for the placement test I had to take to place me into my beginning classes, and I went to the testing center and took it. I met with a guidance counselor to help me choose classes, I applied for financial aid (all for pretty much nothing in the end, but I'll get to that in a second), I registered for classes. I got it all done.

Now, unfortunately, because of some unforeseen complication with financial aid (not having the required paperwork for it, long story short my parents have not done their taxes yet because of financial issues and got an extension, but I can't get financial aid without my parents having that done) I had to drop 2 of my original 3 classes, giving me only 1 class to start out with this semester. (So that we could afford to pay for school out of pocket, since it's a community college.) I was pretty disappointed about that at first, especially because one of the classes I had to drop was ballet, which, if you've read this blog for a while now, you'd know that I've been wanting to take that for 2 YEARS NOW, haha. But, oh well. Maybe next semester?

So now, I'm taking English Composition, and I have class twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Easiest schedule ever, right? But I think it's the perfect way to ease my way back into school; not too much at once, and with a subject that I enjoy. Plus, my professor is cool. She used to be a screenwriter, and her and her husband run a karate dojo.

 I bought a cute cheap backpack online(baby pink and floral pattern!), some notebooks and pens and a binder, and now I'm taking this one day at a time. Even if it's only 1 class, it's a huge deal for me.

I'm finally doing something real with my life now. It's small, but it's something.

Plus: I made a classmate friend, Katherine*. She talked to me first on the first day of school, told me she liked my skirt. She's 19, almost 20, and took a year off between high school and college, and spends all her free time on the internet, like me! Hahaha. We've agreed to be each other's life line to the class, in case one of us is absent one day and we need the assignment, and so on. I was worried I wouldn't make any friends at all, let alone so soon, so this is a huge relief for me, and I feel really grateful.

Big steps and little steps, Internet. Big steps and little steps.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: ballet, college, firsts, school

LAST ONE TODAY, I promise.

SO. College.

I haven't written about this subject in a while, and the reason is basically because I've hardly been able to stand to think about it. Senior year is crazy, truly. Nothing like the movies. But I've pretty much 100% decided on which college I'm going to in town. 2-year community.

My plan is: Go to the 2-year community college, and then after those two years, transfer to a University. I know I lot of people say that they're going to to that, and then they never do, but that's definitely 100% my plan. And this is why.

1. No dorms to mess with. I don't want to live in a dorm. I know that's a regular part of college life, but, just. No. I don't. I can't. I'm an only child, I've always had my own personal, private space, and to live in a huge dorm with a bunch of people I don't know? No. HELL no. I hardly even boded well with cabins at summer camp as a kid. Also, community bathrooms period. At my old school, I was the kid who had to change in the single stall bathroom in the locker room for gym because I didn't want to change in front of other girls. And it wasn't because I didn't like how my body looked, or whatever. I just didn't even want them to see me in my underwear. So. Just.....no.

2. I'll be dipping my feet rather than just jumping in all at once. I'm aware that being homeschooled has kind of made me unused to being around kids my age everyday. I admit, that is something I miss, just having that sense of community all the time (even if everyone hates each other secretly, as messed up as that sounds). However, after some time of thought, I don't think going away to some huge University right after high school is ideal for me. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but I think thought would bring me a lot of unecessary distress. Going to a new school with thousands of new people around me, complete strangers, and not having the option to go home if I need to escape for a little while. I would just have my dorm room, but then I'll have a roomate, whom I also don't know. I wouldn't get to call my family or my friends about it, unless it was over the phone or Skype, but that's not the same. I've just been at home so consistently for so long now that suddenly jumping out of it into something else completely different would be traumitizing for me. I've always hated change, and honestly, I think this is a change I need to go about gently. I'll drive to my classes daily, still living in the comforts of my home, without having to live on campus. Also, I don't need to worry about living costs, finding food or money for food, and all the other worries that most college students go through on top of school.

3. I did some research, and it turns out that at least half of the professors that teach at this community college also teach at a big local state university. So, essentially, I'd be getting the same quality education for a better price and much less trauma. Awesome.

4. Can also take classes part time, if I want. And if I take classes part time, then I get to do other stuff, like hopefully a job. If someone will hire me. If I finally get my license so I can drive to said job. If I get my learners permit renewed because it expired two weeks ago. Cough. I know I can also do this at a University, but I feel that there's less pressure at a community college.

5. I can find a managable escape from high school. I like online school. Really, I do. And I wouldn't change or take back these past three years for nothing, because I learned a lot about myself, and I changed for the better. But they've also been both heaven and hell for me. I can start to feel myself waning now, not like the life is draining out of me or anything, but I just feel myself getting not as motivated anymore. It's not that I don't want to do school anymore, I do, but it's getting harder and harder to force myself to do it. It's probably just the Senoritis talking, but still, I feel like I've been doing this for a thousand years now, and my steam is running out. I just know that after this, I'll never set foot toward online classes again.

I still really appreciate what online school has done for me, and the way I've grown the past few years, but seeming as my parents didn't have much--if any--knowledge about homeschooling before signing me up for this, it wasn't handled well by any of us.
Perhaps if I'd known more about it before I started, or I was more prepared, and them as well, it would have gone better. But it wasn't handled well, and I've pretty much stumbled through all three years of this. From the very beginning, starting three weeks late into the school year, it just never went as smoothly as I would've liked.

I'm glad that my private school education sort of prepared me for the workload that I've needed to take on once I--inevitably--get behind in my schoolwork, but after this, I just can't do it anymore. I can't. These days I feel like my sanity is hanging from a string. This is why a university's workload and stress isn't even close to an option to me right now, and online college would literally drive me to drop out or lose my mind. I swear.

So, community college is the best option for me right now. In two years, I feel I'll be ready for a university then. But as for now, the idea of a community college just gives me...peace. I don't feel sick thinking about it, I don't feel anxious or scared. I'm excited. This is what I want. And for those who don't agree with my choice, they can kiss my ass.

Of course, those close to me who I've told are all cool with it, and they're glad I made this decision for myself, and that it makes me happy. I'm glad I don't associate with snobs. Now to just finish this school year in one piece.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: college, senior year, senioritis

This week was a bit of a rollercoaster, Internet.

First off, being a Senior, as you can imagine I've been getting an influx of brochures and letters from colleges, and ones from all over the place. At first it was only a few, and now it's at least 3 or 4 different ones a week.

And not only that, but I've also been needled and prodded by my parents for the past few months too, understandably. After all, they are paying for it. But I suppose I wasn't quite prepared for all of it at once.

College has been something I've been stressing about since the end of Junior year. I keep thinking over and over about how I would handle living in dorms, going from just myself in my little schoolroom to literally thousands of other students around me at once, and college life in general. Every time I'd get a new college brochure, I would bite back a grimace and these thoughts would arise again.

But I hadn't said anything about it to really anybody, I'd just kept it inside with everything else.

Until this Monday.

That day, I had just finally finished going over what I'd write for my Oedipus Rex essay. It was one that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself for, considering it was my first official essay for my AP class. And it didn't help that I've had ginormous writer's block for the past month and a half. Along with that, I'd been thinking a lot about the whole Jazz thing (I'll make a separate entry for this, promise) and that's been weighing heavy on me. And ON TOP OF ALL THAT, I had literally gotten no sleep the night before thanks to my period cramps, of which I was on the third day of (which, I've learned from the past, is my most moody day).

All of these together do not a happy Sarah make.

So I'd basically woken up early, eaten breakfast, and sat down to work, perfectly okay. (Well not 'perfectly', but certainly okay compared to how I ended up later.) Getting two lessons done and out of the way pretty sufficiently, I decide to listen to some music while I write my essay, since I always do my best writing when I listen to music.

So I go to my favorite music streaming site and lo and behold, I start playing Set Fire to the Rain by Adele. When I get in my writing mood, I get very serious and even emotional. And Set Fire to the Rain made me flat-out cry the first time I heard it.

Listening to the (amazingly written, emotionally sang) lyrics of this song, I start thinking about love and relationships. (Sound familiar?)

And I think to myself, 'god, if something like love is so beautiful, how can it cause someone--anyone--so much pain?'

I start thinking about everything that can go wrong in relationships. Someone cheats, someone falls out of love, both fall out of love, someone dies. And I just think, why the hell would someone put themselves through that kind of misery?

Sure, everyone says there's always good with the bad, that it's all worth it. But is it really?

So. I'm thinking about stuff like this, feeling my mood dip to ridiculous lows, while listening to this heartbreaking song on repeat. And then before I realize it, it's been an hour that I'm sitting there, just thinking about this. I stare at the clock, knowing full well that I'm wasting precious work time, but I cannot stop thinking about this. It's like my mind is stuck on it.

Soon, I go from thinking about relationships to how I've never been in one, and how much I'm beginning to detest the idea of being in one. I wonder if I'll become one of those toxic girls that break up with the guys they're with just because they're afraid of commitment, and afraid of being hurt. I wonder if I'll become one of those unmarried swingers in my 40's, still running from commitment, running and hiding from the possibility of marriage and then divorce; crying and screaming and fighting with the one I used to love. I wonder about these women that I saw on this TV special once, ones that stayed a swinger their whole lives and into their 80's and ended up never having their own children and grandchildren all because they were afraid of being loved.

And I start to cry. Nothing hardcore, but I legitimately tear up, because that train of thoughts made me so overwhelmingly sad that I literally hurt inside.

And before I knew it, soon it had been another hour I'd sat there doing nothing. I turned Adele off, wiping the tears off my face, feeling absolutely ridiculous. I needed to do an essay, and I was sitting there crying for no reason.
So I straightened up. And I stared at that blank white Word document for at least fifteen minutes, trying to make words come out, staring at that short little dash waiting for my typed words, watching it blink on and off, on and off. I flipped through the pages of my copy of Oedipus Rex and stared at the ones I'd put post-its on.

And then...nothing. I could not even think of where to begin. My brain felt like melted chocolate. I was so tired my muscles felt like jelly, I was growing increasingly frustrated, and now because of my Adele-intense-thinking-session, I was sad.

And. I just started crying.

Not even the tearing up like last time, I'm talking full-on, hands covering face crying. Those tears just poured out of my eyes like they'd built up in there. And I threw down my copy of Oedipus Rex and stormed out of the room, because everything in that moment was so overwhelming that I had to get away.

I went downstairs to where my mom was, as she'd just gotten home an hour before, and I just stood there blubbering while she tried to ask me what was wrong, getting answers like "I...(hiccup)I just....(sob)....I CAN'T(sniff hic)....(sob)" And since she'd known about my lack of sleep the night before, she tried telling me to go take a nap, with which I answered "(sob) but it's too hooooot (WAIL HIC SOB)", which she then replied that I could sleep in her and dad's room, because it's infinitely cooler than my room and my office for some reason. She also told me I could take a sick day, so I could just rest for the rest of the day.

So I promptly went back upstairs to my parents' room, spread out a blanket on top of it, and proceeded to weep some more.

I was too upset to even go to sleep, even though I was exhausted, so I just laid there and cried over everything. Over love, over my stupid freaking essay, over Jazz, over college, over change, over money problems, over my self esteem, over everything.

I just basically had a meltdown of epic proportions.

After 3 hours of just laying there and crying and crying and crying my eyes out, my mom finally came in, pretty bewildered that I was still crying. And I told her about everything that was eating me up inside, because I had to tell someone, or I'd explode (or my tear ducts would rupture, whichever came first).

I told her about I felt like I couldn't write anything. I told her about how I felt at that moment like my confidence had dropped through the basement. I told her about how I'm scared of relationships. I told her how scared I was about college, because I am. And I didn't realize how terrified I was until I started sobbing even harder after I told her.

I'll be honest. I'm scared of leaving the security of my school room for learning, being surrounded by complete strangers after 1. knowing everyone at my old private school and 2. after just having to be home for school, without other people's drama and judgments. I'm scared of having a roommate and living in a dorm with communal bathrooms, meaning, my 2 hours for washing my hair alone? Gone. Goodbye long hair, goodbye privacy.

I'm scared of leaving my dog, who has epileptic seizures and means the absolute world to me, and how when I go to college, I won't see her as much, and when I finish college she'll be old, and I won't be able to play with her anymore.

I'm scared of leaving my younger cousins who I love to death, especially the youngest of them, who is almost one and a half, but who might not remember me if I'm never at home anymore.

I'm so scared of college.

I hate change. And college will be the biggest change of my life so far.

So I told my mom this. And you know what she said? "Why don't you just take some time off before college?"

Had I even thought about this possibility? No. I'd heard about kids taking a semester or year off before, but I never thought it was an option for me. All my cousins on my dad's side of the family all graduated high school with honors, all went to Ivy League universities. I just assumed this standard was expected of me, too.

But as soon as she brought it up, so easily and simply, the knot in my stomach began to loosen.

We started talking about it even more, and I realized that it's what I think is best for me. Not just because of my anxiety, but my situation in general.

Think about it. I've been homeschooled for three years now. When I'm not out with Best Friend Rose, or shopping with Mom, I'm sitting at home, due to not having a license/car or a job. And not only that, but I have pretty bad anxiety when faced with even the smallest change. Throwing me straight into not only a completely new environment, but a completely new environment with thousands of strangers, and even living with a stranger? Holy hell. I'd probably go into shock.

But if I took a year off before going to University, perhaps taking some classes at a community college, finding a part time job, and finally getting my license, the transition might be a little easier to handle when I do leave.

I don't plan on never going to University, ever. I know that I'll need to go, and the sooner I can, the better. I don't plan on waiting 20 or 30 years to go to college like some people. But I feel like this will take some pressure and stress off of me in general. My parents are completely understanding about it, and even a little relieved and proud of me that I'm making this decision for myself and not just doing something because that's the way everyone else is going.

So, that's just it, Internet. I'm going to take a break before college. How long it'll be, I haven't quite decided, but this is what is best for me. I know people won't get it, and they'll probably judge me for it, but they can just deal. It's my future career after all, not theirs.

So after me and mom talked about this, I finally stopped crying, and my face was so puffy that I looked like an elderly woman. And we talked some about Jazz, and then some about love, and then my stomach had finally settled enough that I wanted to eat dinner.

And then I went to bed early and felt loads better in the morning.

I'm telling you, Internet, that was one doozy of a day. I don't remember ever crying that hard in my recent memory, even when I was nervous about meeting Drew. But sometimes a girl just needs a good cry.

The rest of the week went much better, and I finally (and successfully!!) finished my essay, but most of all I feel most satisfied about making this decision. It was an important one, and I'm glad I made it now rather than later.

In other news, no football games lately. There was supposed to be one tonight, but it was canceled. There hasn't been one for a month now, and I couldn't tell you why. Huh. But Homecoming is Oct 15, and I forsure plan on going. More on that soon!

Here's to being being more emotionally stable after breakdowns.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: college, life, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, senior year

present me past me