♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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And One Week Later...}
Saturday, May 12, 2012 | 2:57 PM | 0Comment

I'm still alive.

And I'm done.

...........I'm done. I'M FUCKING DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL.

Internet, I cannot even begin to tell you how scared to death I was about yesterday, and this week in general. I was scared to death. I was absolutely convinced I wasn't going to make it through this week. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I wasn't just dealing with finals this week. I also had 50 some lessons to catch up on on top of the finals.

When I mentioned before that I was behind, I wasn't kidding. And it had pretty much stayed that way all of April, not because I wasn't working hard to catch up--because dear god I was--it was just too much. Even on the days where I'd work hard and get tons of lessons done, more lessons from that day would just pile on top of the load that I had to face the next day. So the pile of work remained, and the closer I got to this week, the more terrified I got.

I thought I wouldn't get all of the work done in time for Friday, and that I would have to tell all of my friends, and all of my family (and hell, everybody that would ever ask about my high school graduation in the future) that I wasn't going to get to walk in my own graduation. I thought I'd never get to wear the graduation dress I'd already bought, thought that we'd have to return my cap and gown (or at least store it someplace where I'd never have to look at it again).
I honestly woke up on Friday morning and thought, well. That's it. Three years of hard work for nothing. Three years and I don't even get a graduation.

But all of this week, I worked my ass off. I mean, I worked it off. Everyday I got up and started working at 6, which I've never done in the whole time I've been homeschooled, and did not even leave my computer to eat. I took bathroom breaks, of course, but you get the idea. I refused to let myself think of failing and just pushed myself to keep going, even as time kept pressing forward and I felt like I was stuck on a treadmill.

I asked as many of my teachers as possible for help, and they all helped me as best as they could. But when yesterday rolled around, I felt like somehow it still wasn't enough. I still felt like I'd gotten nowhere.

So yesterday, when I finished my last final...I just sat there. Confused. Like, 'wait, where's the rest?' In fact, after I submitted the test, I looked at the lesson tree to see if there had been any lessons I'd accidentally skipped. And then I checked my planner for any possible tests, or assignments, or anything at all that I'd missed.But there wasn't any. There was no more. And it was still a good hour before the deadline.

And then I just sat there in shock. I think part of me is still in shock. I just sat there and thought, 'So that's it? I'm done? I'm...actually done? I did it?'
And then I started to cry.

Like, I just sat there and started to full out sob into my hands. My dog even came over to me and started whining. The weight that lifted off of me in that moment was just so immense and I hadn't realized until then that it had been there for a very long time.

And I was so happy that all I could do was cry.

Even right now, as I type this, I feel like there's a catch. I keep waiting for the catch. Like I'm waiting for someone to pop out of nowhere and say, 'Hah! You thought you finished all of it? Joke's on you! Start all over again!' I think that's why I haven't gotten truly excited yet. I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I haven't thrown my notes away yet, because I keep thinking I'll still need them. The anxiousness I've felt all week hasn't gone away yet, either. Sigh. Maybe it'll take a few days or so to finally sink in that I'm actually done with high school. No more logging in everyday. No more calling my teachers. No more long days indoors because I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. It's all over.

So, until it sinks in, in the meantime I need some time to recover. Physically, mentally, spiritually, all of that good stuff.
Because when I woke up this morning, I felt like someone had run me over with their truck, backed up over me again, got out of their truck, wailed on me with a metal baseball bat, and then got back in their truck and ran over me again. Migraine, inexplicable neck, shoulder, and back pains, a super swelled up stye on my eyelid that came out of absolutely nowhere, and my period. All at once. BAM. Stress is a killer, man.

But for what I accomplished yesterday, it's well worth it. Consider them battle scars.

In other news, on the night that I wrote my last entry, it was prom. Yep. Senior prom.

I didn't get to go because the officials at my old school have apparently lost their minds, making such ridiculous rules as 'girls can't take other girls to prom and boys can't take other boys'. Reeks of homophobia, if you ask me. Also completely prevents groups of friends going together stag, and practically forcing people to either go with a random date of the opposite sex or go by themselves. That's like a dictatorship, practically. I mean, I know it's a private school, but geez.

But yeah. Rosie tried to buy my tickets, and even blew up at the ticket sellers when they told her the new 'rule', but in the end she couldn't get any. I appreciate her trying anyway. I was pretty disappointed when she told me, but in the end it was just a dance anyway. Not the end of the world. Besides, Rosie said along with the ridiculous date rule, they added more this year too. Apparently they were also going to enforce the dress code at prom too (that means no strapless dresses, no spaghetti straps, no skirts above the knee. Ah, I remember these rules well. They mocked my entire middle school existence.), and have tons of chaperones to police any grinding going on. Yeah. Rosie said it was just 'okay', so I'm glad I didn't miss much.

The only thing I was upset about really was that I'd already bought a dress. So, I guess I'll just have to use that dress for something else. Maybe someone I know will get married soon, and have a super formal wedding? (Please please please. It's one of the cutest dresses I've ever owned!! I can't just let it rot away!!) My mom told me it would make a nice date dress. Hah. Hah. Thanks anyway mom.

Anyway. Recuperating. Doing that. Now. Hello Youtube. Hello kdramas.

.....Done with High School. Still isn't hitting me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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My College Plans.}
Monday, April 9, 2012 | 10:50 AM | 0Comment

LAST ONE TODAY, I promise.

SO. College.

I haven't written about this subject in a while, and the reason is basically because I've hardly been able to stand to think about it. Senior year is crazy, truly. Nothing like the movies. But I've pretty much 100% decided on which college I'm going to in town. 2-year community.

My plan is: Go to the 2-year community college, and then after those two years, transfer to a University. I know I lot of people say that they're going to to that, and then they never do, but that's definitely 100% my plan. And this is why.

1. No dorms to mess with. I don't want to live in a dorm. I know that's a regular part of college life, but, just. No. I don't. I can't. I'm an only child, I've always had my own personal, private space, and to live in a huge dorm with a bunch of people I don't know? No. HELL no. I hardly even boded well with cabins at summer camp as a kid. Also, community bathrooms period. At my old school, I was the kid who had to change in the single stall bathroom in the locker room for gym because I didn't want to change in front of other girls. And it wasn't because I didn't like how my body looked, or whatever. I just didn't even want them to see me in my underwear. So. Just.....no.

2. I'll be dipping my feet rather than just jumping in all at once. I'm aware that being homeschooled has kind of made me unused to being around kids my age everyday. I admit, that is something I miss, just having that sense of community all the time (even if everyone hates each other secretly, as messed up as that sounds). However, after some time of thought, I don't think going away to some huge University right after high school is ideal for me. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but I think thought would bring me a lot of unecessary distress. Going to a new school with thousands of new people around me, complete strangers, and not having the option to go home if I need to escape for a little while. I would just have my dorm room, but then I'll have a roomate, whom I also don't know. I wouldn't get to call my family or my friends about it, unless it was over the phone or Skype, but that's not the same. I've just been at home so consistently for so long now that suddenly jumping out of it into something else completely different would be traumitizing for me. I've always hated change, and honestly, I think this is a change I need to go about gently. I'll drive to my classes daily, still living in the comforts of my home, without having to live on campus. Also, I don't need to worry about living costs, finding food or money for food, and all the other worries that most college students go through on top of school.

3. I did some research, and it turns out that at least half of the professors that teach at this community college also teach at a big local state university. So, essentially, I'd be getting the same quality education for a better price and much less trauma. Awesome.

4. Can also take classes part time, if I want. And if I take classes part time, then I get to do other stuff, like hopefully a job. If someone will hire me. If I finally get my license so I can drive to said job. If I get my learners permit renewed because it expired two weeks ago. Cough. I know I can also do this at a University, but I feel that there's less pressure at a community college.

5. I can find a managable escape from high school. I like online school. Really, I do. And I wouldn't change or take back these past three years for nothing, because I learned a lot about myself, and I changed for the better. But they've also been both heaven and hell for me. I can start to feel myself waning now, not like the life is draining out of me or anything, but I just feel myself getting not as motivated anymore. It's not that I don't want to do school anymore, I do, but it's getting harder and harder to force myself to do it. It's probably just the Senoritis talking, but still, I feel like I've been doing this for a thousand years now, and my steam is running out. I just know that after this, I'll never set foot toward online classes again.

I still really appreciate what online school has done for me, and the way I've grown the past few years, but seeming as my parents didn't have much--if any--knowledge about homeschooling before signing me up for this, it wasn't handled well by any of us.
Perhaps if I'd known more about it before I started, or I was more prepared, and them as well, it would have gone better. But it wasn't handled well, and I've pretty much stumbled through all three years of this. From the very beginning, starting three weeks late into the school year, it just never went as smoothly as I would've liked.

I'm glad that my private school education sort of prepared me for the workload that I've needed to take on once I--inevitably--get behind in my schoolwork, but after this, I just can't do it anymore. I can't. These days I feel like my sanity is hanging from a string. This is why a university's workload and stress isn't even close to an option to me right now, and online college would literally drive me to drop out or lose my mind. I swear.

So, community college is the best option for me right now. In two years, I feel I'll be ready for a university then. But as for now, the idea of a community college just gives me...peace. I don't feel sick thinking about it, I don't feel anxious or scared. I'm excited. This is what I want. And for those who don't agree with my choice, they can kiss my ass.

Of course, those close to me who I've told are all cool with it, and they're glad I made this decision for myself, and that it makes me happy. I'm glad I don't associate with snobs. Now to just finish this school year in one piece.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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School, school, and uh. Oh yeah. SCHOOL.}
Monday, January 9, 2012 | 10:50 AM | 2Comment

Internet, right now, I'm in the midst of my final exam week. (Yeah, after my Winter break. I know. Weird online school thing, I guess.)


Also, I'm in the midst of trying to catch up with my AP Lit lessons by the end of this week, aka the official end of the First Semester, which is never gonna happen, tbqh. Here's how that basically happened:

So. The day I started AP Lit, I immediately began panicking about it. The DAY OF. And it was because the first day of the class, we had to read the class expectations and requirements. And I flipped out. Something inside me just knew right away that I had gotten in over my head. This was the first AP class I've ever taken, and I had expected it to be harder. I just didn't realize how much harder.

But I continued the lessons. Some of it I didn't like, but some of it I surprisingly did like. I liked that all of my fellow classmates sounded smart, like me, and that I didn't have to dumb myself down for class discussions. (Virtual discussions, pretty cool. They're sort of like little forums, people make their own individual 'topics' and then everyone goes into the different topics and...well. Discusses. Pretty fun, actually. And considering I've been visiting online forums since the 2nd grade, I really liked it.) I also liked--at first--the slightly more challenging nature of the topics covered and discussed.

But. By the time I'd started our Odyssey unit, I was done for. This was like, what, our third unit? But I was already sick of all of it. The two units we'd already gone through, we had already had a few essay assignments, and each and every time, I would worry myself sick over them. I was constantly thinking of how I was in an advanced class now, and that the same old crap I wrote for my old English classes wouldn't cut it.

My emotional breakdown in October should've been my turning point. I should have realized then that I'd reached my breaking point. I should have done something then.

I was constantly worrying about HOW I could write better, WHEN can I finish this, WHAT will my teacher think if I fail, etc etc etc. So by the Odyssey unit, I just...shut down.

I completely just...stopped. Everything. It was like my mind had overloaded, and I couldn't stand to read anything. I didn't even want to look at books. I couldn't write, I physically couldn't write. I couldn't write anything. That's why when you look past on my past entries before December, they're basically nothing. The end of October, and all through November, I was stuck. Forcing myself to write then was like cutting a vein open. It was painful.

And it's not like I've never gotten writer's block before. I have, and plenty of times. But this time it was terrifying because I needed to write for school, for this class, and I just...I couldn't. It felt like if I started typing, I'd throw up or black out or have a panic attack, or something. It was literally like I hated writing all of a sudden. And that's never happened to me before.

So when Winter Break finally came, and I began to come to my senses again, I realized what I'd done. I was half a semester late in my class, and it was entirely, 100% my fault. I'd let my fear get to me, and I couldn't even function.

After my last final, I'm going to do some more catch up work. I'd already done some last week, but it wasn't that much, compared to the amount left. The thing that sucks the most about AP is the workload. I only have 13 lessons to catch up on, but dammit. Each lesson has nearly about a week's worth of work for each one, not to mention the two research papers ahead of me. Two research papers in a week. Mhmm, yeah. That'll work out just peachy.

I'm not a quitter, but I like to think that I'm a realist. I'm not going to finish this work in time. And even if I did finish all the work by Friday at 10PM, I would still have the final left. And if I didn't even do the final, I would fail anyway, and all of my hard work would have been for nothing. So honestly, I don't see the point.

I won't give up yet. I'm still going to do my best to catch up, but if I fail, at least I'll know I tried.

I'm so angry with myself for letting this happen. I let myself down immensely, and not only that, but I feel like I've let everyone else down, too. I even sent a long apology email to my teacher, because I felt I needed to let her know that I take full responsibility for my failing her class, and that I needed to apologize for wasting her time. She accepted my apology with grace and even let me know she was sorry that I was struggling, and encouraged me not to give up just yet. Such a nice lady. Crazy to think that I was scared of her for four months.

If I'd just asked for help earlier, I'm sure she would've done her best to help me then. Why did I resort to running?

It was a shitty thing that I did, especially for my Senior Year, but I suppose it wouldn't be High School if I didn't royally fuck something up once a year. (Profane sentence is profane.)

But I intend on making up for it. I plan on switching out of AP and getting into English 12 instead. Then, I'll take two semesters of English 12 at the same time so I can make up for the credit I failed to get for AP. Crazy, yes, but I've done crazier. Plus, I almost can guarantee that two semesters of workload for English 12 at the same time will still be easier than AP Lit. Seriously. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. I just want to enjoy English class again.

So, speaking of finals, I'm finishing up reviewing for my last one as we speak. My Stats final. And I've come to this conclusion.

My math teacher sucks.

I've actually had him for a teacher 3 times consecutively. I had him during Sophomore year for semester one of Geometry. Then, I had him for semester one of Algebra II. First semester of Geometry? Failed. They switched teachers for me the second time around of semester one Geometry, this time a nice lady teacher. Passed with a B.

First semester of Algebra II? Passed, but barely, and I mean barely. Completely bombed the whole semester up until the final, stayed up three nights in a row studying hard to pass the final, and my final exam grade saved my whole grade. I had another teacher for semester two again, and did swimmingly until that whole exam fiasco that went down.

Anyway, in summary: Other teachers + me + Math = Pass. This teacher + me + Math = Fail. Epically.


Maybe it's just because his teaching methods don't mesh well with the way I learn. Maybe it's something else. But I was just not destined to be in this man's math classes. Period.

It's too bad. He seems like a nice guy, in fact he was the teacher that worked out that Algebra II final retake much earlier this year, and I think I'll be eternally grateful to him for that. But his classes? Hmm. I don't know, I just don't know.

This semester I have a C in Stats so far, which means that if I bomb this final I'll have to do the whole double-semester thing with another class if I want to graduate in June. Which would suck ass, obviously. And so would not graduating. That too.

So. As you could probably guess, all of this has put monumental stress on me. Last Wednesday, I even developed a rash all over me. My mom (a nurse) figured out that it's not from allergies, and it's not from a virus. It's a stress rash. Like my body is physically rejecting all of this pressure. Not cool.

Dammit. Nobody ever told me Senior year would be this difficult. Perhaps this is my reaction to Senioritis? I'm getting the sinking feeling that this week will be the week from hell.

In other news, Feli! I saw your comment, and I'd be happy to write a bit about that. After reading all of this post thus far, you probably get that I'm not the best person to ask this (lol) but, here we go anyway!

How do I focus on my classwork/homework? Mostly, I just have to sit my deriere into my chair in the morning, shake the sleep off, and do it. I realized that I have to make a conscious effort to focus, or I won't. Like, if I just sit there and stare at the screen and wait for the focus to come to me, it won't. And I usually if I'm waiting for the focus, I start focusing on something else.

Like daydreaming. Oh, dear God. I'm one of those people that would just lay around living in their own head, if they could. I could think of every scenario in the world, just sitting and staring for hours. The world is so interesting in there. I could just live in my fantasies and dream worlds and never have to face the real world. This is why I write, because my over-active imagination leaks into my real world too easily if I don't. It's how I keep myself sane, basically.

Anywho, I just have to make myself focus. And usually with the harder subjects, it's definitely much harder. Usually what I'll do is I'll read out loud. Reading out loud helps my reading comprehension when I learn things. I'm telling you. Reading comprehension = easier learning. I promise. And then, when that doesn't work, that usually means that I need a break.

Leave the room for like fifteen minutes, go do a quick 15 minute workout, or go fix a healthy snack. I know it sounds like I'm promoting weight loss or something, haha, but I swear it really does help! Once I eat healthier again (I lapse out of it every once in a while, who doesn't?), and I start working out (not even going to the gym! I hate gyms. I just do these little 10 minute video workouts on my workout mat, so easy. Go Youtube 10 minute workout videos, so many of them! And even when I feel like I don't have time for that, instead I jog in place for a while, or do some sit ups, or run up and down the stairs, etc.) it helps my head be clearer. I'm not even an athletic person--at all, really--but whenever I live healthier, I feel so much better, and when I'm healthier, schoolwork always seems easier to me.

So, my advice to you: just sit down, clear your head, and read aloud. And when it becomes too much, take a quick yoga break, or Cheerio break, or whatever. Take a deep break, and work through it one step at a time. I know sometimes hard work seems impossible, but just chill. Take your time. And if you need help with something, please. I beg of you. Don't wait until you're absolutely buried under stress and fear, like I did. Ask for help. Ask your teacher, or a good friend, or even a parent. I know how it feels to feel inferior because you don't understand something. I handled it the wrong way. Trust me. Ask for help.

And then when you're finished with it all, you can do this: http://youtu.be/MdN0NXgjsn8

Hope I helped a little bit!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be re-applying my calamine lotion and studying for this final that I absolutely cannot fail. Ahem.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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