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Internet, you know me.

I'm an Internet nerd, through and through. And pretty much always have been. (I learned how to use the computer when I was 6, and started using the Internet regularly when I was 8. Nickelodeon's message boards were my HAVEN.)

Confession: I used to be a total online boyfriend HARLOT.

The story: Around when I was 10, we got one of those 90-day trial American Online disks in the mail, and my dad actually signed us up for it. I got my own IM username and everything, and I was so excited.
Well. One day, I was in a chat room (I have NO idea how on earth my parents let my ten year old self have an IM account with no supervision. But, if I remember correctly, I don't think the whole chat room danger thing had been too terribly sensationalized yet.), and it was mostly old people trying to hook up.

Then, I spotted a 12 year old boy looking for any 12 year old girls. In my 10 year old mind, I think, 'why not? It's not like he'll even know my real age', and I was bored and didn't know any better. So I messaged him, and I lied and told him I was 12. We messaged back and forth in the chat room, trying to chat over all the desperate single 40+ year olds, and then we moved to private IMs.

Let's call this boy Charcoal (kind of an inside joke.). What started as 'only talking to him sometimes, when I was bored', it turned into 'waking up every morning, looking forward to talking to him' and talking to him all day and every day. Before I knew it, we were in a 'relationship' of sorts, or whatever you'd call something between an online 12 year old and a pretend online 12 year old.
It was one of those ironic playground, kid's play type of things, when we'd say 'I love you' and then talk about our favorite cartoons afterward.
I kept in contact with him for two years, until I actually turned 12, and then we lost contact completely.

After that, I kept wanting to duplicate that feeling that I got with Charcoal, the one that gave me this false sense of security that a boy could like me, though knowing it was all pretend and impossible at the same time.
Sometimes I'd go to random chat rooms and email back and forth with guys for a while, and some I met on other kinds of websites and chatted with them for weeks. In middle school, it even escalated to giving some my number and texting along with the emailing, but it never went beyond that.

Yes, it could've been very dangerous, and yes, people on the Internet can be totally different from who they say they are (see paragraph 5 above), but I was careful, and I never meant to actually meet any of them anyway. I never said 'I love you' to any of them (well, except Charcoal, but you know. Haha). To be honest, I couldn't even name all of my pretend online boyfriends. There was one after Charcoal, and whenever he IMed me, a certain part of a Jay-Z song would play, and whenever I hear that song, I can't help but associate it with him. Can't remember his name, though.
One boy was filipino. One boy was schizophrenic. One was a gamer.

And there was one named James* (three years older than me, my REAL AGE, thankfully), who I met in the eighth grade, and we texted and talked on the phone, and I remember him the most because he was the last one, and when I got involved with him, it didn't feel pretend anymore.
He was the only one who I'd actually stopped and thought about how it would be to meet him. I considered it, even. And then one day I panicked about how real it could become, and I 'ended it'. And that was the end of it all.

So, I've never had a real relationship. I've never really dated anybody. But to fill the holes that I felt, seeing other girls my age starting to date and feeling ugly and unwanted, I played this game of sorts. I did it the way then the way other girls my age make out with random guys now.

Was it awful? Yes. Am I ashamed about it? Absolutely.
I earnestly hope that these boys didn't get hurt because of my little 'game'. The thing was, I just never saw them as actual relationships. It was all pretend to me. I just felt so emotionally disconnected (except with James) that it didn't feel real.
I know Internet dating works for some people, but I just don't think I'm one of them. I'm more of an action person than words. Actions can say so much more, and anyone can say anything without meaning any of it.

The thing about this secret: Sometimes I'm seriously tempted to go back to that.
It would be so easy, so easy, to go back to that old familiar crutch and go to some random Internet guy to cure my super singleness, if just for the moment. But if it means nothing, isn't it just a waste of time and emotions?

I'll wait for my first real boyfriend. And in the mean time, I'll work out whatever this is (or perhaps whatever this isn't?) with Ricky Bobby. Oy.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: life, secrets

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