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Something I'm starting to realize about myself is that I have trust issues.

Don't get me wrong, the people I'm closest with, like Best Friend Rose and my parents, I can trust them with my entire life. I know that they will always understand me and be there for me, and there's never a question in my mind that they would. It's just everyone else that I'm weird about.

I've come to realize that I'm one of those people that, if anything, prefers to be alone.

That's not to say that I hate everyone and society and so on. I don't hate leaving the house, I don't hate interacting with people. I just don't mind--and in some specific cases, I prefer--being alone.

I think this is because I'm an only child. I've always been used to the quiet and peaceful side of things, like being alone brings. And when I was a kid, that may have been a huge factor in my being extremely shy. I went to Pre-K in between Preschool and Kindergarten not because I had trouble learning, but because I was so shy.

And I'm definitely not even close as shy as I was before, but sometimes this comes back at the strangest times. Like during testing last year, when I had to go to a local meeting hall to take the tests with all the other online school kids in my area, it was the weirdest thing.

As soon as I showed up that first day, I just shut down. Not 'shut down' like bursting into tears or snapping or anything like that, but I just threw this HUGE wall up. I didn't look at anybody. I didn't smile once (except for at my English teacher) or talk to anybody. I brought my book for break times in-between tests, and during breaks, I went off to a seat in the corner of the room, shoved my book up to my nose and read in the corner by myself.

And I was surprised by my behavior myself, completely surprised, because I've never been that kind of person. Even as a kid, I would still walk up to someone and try to make a new friend. But this was something new entirely. I just folded into myself did everything I could to keep everyone out.

Thankfully, though, by the end of that day, me and this girl named Rene* started talking, by chance, and we hung out for the rest of testing. I still talk to her sometimes, she's cool (and she got kicked out of her last school for beating up the popular girl for teasing her. Not going to lie, I liked her a lot more after she told me that.)

But even in other situations, there are times where I'm near someone new and I'll just sit there, guarded, unfriendly. It's so unlike me, and I don't know where it comes from, but I can't control it.

I guess it's a defense mechanism. I think I'm afraid of being disappointed, so I decide that it would be easier to scare people off than to let them in and let them affect me. It's cowardly and selfish, but I don't know how to fix it.

And during the beginning of sophomore year, when I was still getting used to being in online school, there would be times where I would just be so sad. I'd get up in the morning and do my school work and go through the motions, and I would talk to my parents maybe 2 times the entire day, because I'd just stay in my room and stay inside myself and stare out the window and feel sorry for myself.

Pathetic? Yes. But I didn't know how else to handle it. I was just alone, alone alone, and I didn't know how to deal with it.

On one hand, I'm thankful for it because it took that for me to realize who my true friends were and who were just the people I saw everyday at school.
On the other hand, it took that for me to realize that I really had no life outside of school, and that friends from school were just that, friends from school.

Lately I've been doing much better with this whole trusting people thing, and mostly when I think of instances of stuff like this happening, it was in the past. I think it's gotten better because I'm a lot more secure in myself than I was.

I just have to remember that yes, the world can be scary, and there are bad people in this world, but there are good people too. And even when the good people royally screw up(they're only human after all) and they disappoint you, just get back up and move on. It'll still be okay.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(PS: Resolution #1 isn't going so well so far, but it's only because of unfortunate event after unfortunate event. Last weekend it was catch up work, and this weekend it's because of a nasty cold my dad gave to me (my first cold in two years! Karma caught up to me?) and a cold sore on my lip the size of Mt. Olympus. Writing this in bed as I speak. Gross colds are gross.)

Labels: life, secrets, trust

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