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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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new year, new very slight improvements.}
Wednesday, December 28, 2016 | 5:15 PM | 0Comment



Internet, how was your Christmas? (Or Kwanzaa? Or Festivus? Or Winter Solstice? Or Hanukkah, which is still happening currently?)

As for me, my Christmas Eve and Christmas Day was super low key.

Due to a cold going around, my dad got sick and spent both days in bed. And the day after, my mom caught it, too. I, however, am upping my vitamin intake, drinking green tea religiously, keeping my hands sanitized, and hoping for the best. (I haven't had a cold since 2012 and do not intend changing that.)

So Christmas was mostly spent watching movies and eating, which is what I like to do during my holidays anyway. AND we got a surprise snow overnight! (And I got an IOU for my bed. Still getting it, but it'll probably be early next month instead. Nothing wrong with late gifts!)

But what I want to touch on is the days before Christmas.



So, Internet, I'm sure you could guess this from the tone of my last entry: I decided to message Brennan after all.

Dun dun dun.

Honestly, you guys, my guilt and curiosity was driving me crazy. I decided to go through with this because I finally realized that the regret I felt from not clearing things up between us was greater than any regrets I might have if he ignored me or dismissed my apology. (Because I knew that if he did, I would deserve it, and also there would be no more question of if he really resented me or not.)

So, the day before Christmas Eve Eve, I knew I had to do it, and as soon as possible.

I opened up the memos app on my phone and, after typing up what I hoped was an innocent enough seeming short opener (of the 'Could we talk?' variety, just to give him the option of ignoring me without inundating him with an unsolicited paragraph apology after not talking to him for ages. Not only would that be rude, but also probably pathetic.), then I crafted my apology.

I did my best to make it genuine and made sure that I owned up to my mistakes. I made sure that he knew that I knew what I did was mean spirited and that nothing he did warranted such treatment by me at all. I said that all this time I felt awful about how I had treated him. I also told him that if he wanted me to leave him alone again after this then I would, and that I wouldn't blame him.
Carefully, I also decided to tell him about my anxiety, and that I was dealing with a particularly potent onslaught of it at the time, and it contributed to my treatment of him as well.

After all of this was typed up into a lengthy paragraph, it was the moment of truth.



I opened up Instagram. An old DM thread from literally 2 years ago was there--I had sent him a surprise selfie, and he'd called me cutie and said that I'd brightened his day. Enter sad sigh here.

I resent that I have to do this way, through DM like I has freaking J*cob or something. I still have mighty contempt for that dude, but in this case, I felt some sympathy for him. Sending a DM that might not be received well is super nerve wracking. (But that's where my sympathy for him ends.)

I sent my opener to him, then immediately locked my phone, and left it to charge in another room for an hour and a half.

Unfortunately for me, I'd had a coffee earlier that day, so my anxiousness was off the charts for at least an hour. Skittering heart, shaking hands, churning stomach, nausea, the whole 9 yards.

After that hour and a half was up, I made myself go check my phone. It was now fully charged--but no response from Brennan. I opened up the message, and it said that it had been read.

Swallowing the immediate hurt I felt, I nodded, accepting this like a big girl. I tried to go out on a limb and it had been shot down. This happened to people all the time, and I would have to accept it. I mean, it didn't happen to me all the time, but that's just because I rarely take risks. But whatever, I told myself. Shake it off. At least you tried. And I was never entitled to a response from him anyway. This was what I deserved for acting like such a bitch before.

After I gave myself this internet pep talk, I glanced down at my phone one last time...and there was a new notification in my notification bar. I dragged down the preview.

IT WAS A RESPONSE FROM BRENNAN.



Crap. Crappity crap shit shitty crap!!

Immediate fear. Oh God. What did I do? WHAT DID I DO?!

After I stop panicking and staring at the notification, I force myself to just open the damn message already. It opens.

His response isn't cold, like I had expected. It seemed surprised, for sure, but friendly. He told me (since I suppose he assumed I didn't know) that he had a girlfriend, so as long what I had to tell him was platonic, then it was perfectly fine.

I didn't know what to make of this--I don't know if he thought I was going to send this giant declaration of love or what, but I decided to err on the side of doubt and assume he was just trying to be extra careful. (I assumed he also had told his girlfriend I had messaged him, and that was why it took him a bit to respond. Because yes, Internet. He's just that decent. And I'm a fucking idiot.)

I told him I'd already known he does, and that it was nothing like that. Then I copied and pasted my whole apology, sent it, then sent my phone down and immediately left the room to take an impromptu middle-of-the-day shower. Random, yes. But it helped calm me down and clear my head.

After I got out, feeling much calmer now that I'd gotten the apology out of the way, I picked up my phone to read his response.

He was kind, Internet. Much kinder than I ever thought I deserved.



First he said that he had never had anything against me, and that he had just figured that when I disappeared that I wasn't interested in him, considering how we had met. He also said he hadn't been upset at me for it. He also went on to say that he had no idea about struggles with anxiety, and that he wishes I had told him all this sooner if I felt so awful about it all this time.

Immensely relieved, I respond, saying I would have told him all of this sooner, but I had been positive that he probably hated me and didn't want to hear anything I had to say. Then I thanked him for accepting my apology.

He said that of course he didn't hate me, saying that was ridiculous. Then he asked if it was okay if he asked me how the anxiety affected me. He added that he really couldn't tell at all when we'd been talking, and wondered in what ways it affected me.

Before I go on, Internet, let me make something clear.

For a long time, I had wondered how he would've reacted to me telling him about my anxiety. So in this instance, I decided that it couldn't hurt to tell him finally. Anxiety contributes to the way I handle things in a very large, constantly present way. There are things that I do in my everyday life that confuse and worry people who don't know about my disorder, which is one thing I hate about it. It affects how I perceive others and how others perceive me so often, and it's frustrating.

Most of the time I'm very uncomfortable with telling people about it. In fact, I have told very, very few people about it. Not only is it a taboo to talk about mental illness for a lot of people, but many people are also unfairly prejudice and judgmental about it when they usually understand little to none about it.

Similarly, most people are flippant about things like anxiety and depression. It's written off as if it's just a 'mindset' that you can change if you just look at the world differently, when that's not the case at all. They don't understand that it's just something that happens to your brain and you can't control it.

So, all that being said: Brennan's supportive and understanding reaction was a big deal to me. A very big deal.



He continued asking respectfully about it, such as what my triggers were, and what kind of treatment I was going to start in January, since I'd mentioned it. No one, besides my closest friends, had ever been so...considerate of this before. And had talked to me about it like it mattered. Ever.

After a couple of days, as the holidays were in full swing and we got busy, the conversation faded out. And to be honest, I was glad it did. Not because I didn't like talking to him again. Not that reason at all.

It's just that after that conversation with him--about something that I had kept very deeply hidden inside me for no one else to see, for a very long time--I realized that I like Brennan.

I realized that I do like Brennan, and that I wasn't just spurned because he had gotten a girlfriend after I had ignored him. I was jealous of his girlfriend. Because I want to be his girlfriend.

I realized that Brennan is the first person I've had feelings for since R*cky B*bby.

And that, therefore, that makes this a very big deal.



So when we talked, and he spoke so kindly and sensitively to me, my heart sunk. It made me sad because I realized who I had thrown away just because I was unsure and afraid.

I know he has a girlfriend. I know that likely won't change anytime soon, because as nice as this girl seems, she would be an idiot to let go of him. But it doesn't change my feelings about him, especially since now I'm aware that they're there and I can't ignore them anymore.

I'm definitely not going to act on this, Internet. I won't do anything that would hurt him. And his girlfriend is a nice girl, and she doesn't deserve to be hurt either. I won't get between them. I'll continue staying far away, keeping my feelings completely to myself.

But if--and that's a big if--things change next year, so help me, I will make it known to Brennan that I want him.

And if--another big if--I get another chance with him, I won't throw him away again.

I know, this is horrible timing. Isn't it? But that seems to be my thing, in all honesty. I am just really, really good at having bad timing. For everything.

I'm also really good at wanting things--people, jobs, school, clothes, makeup--that I can't have. I guess I just really live for the pain of wanting and yearning. I crave that shit. Messed up, I know. But I guess it takes me truly yearning for something for me to realize how wonderful it is.



That is definitely something I need to work on in 2017.

And anyway, I don't regret apologizing to him, not at all. I'm quite relieved that I did it. I'm relieved that he knows now that I don't hate him, and that I know that he doesn't hate me, and that the air is clear. The question, now, is whether or not I can deal with what I discovered in the process of clearing the air between us. I guess we'll see with time.

Moving right along.

Speaking of 2017, here's a list of things I want to accomplish during the new year:


  1. Therapy. Number one, by far. Miraculously, one good thing that happened during this horrible year was my family gaining health insurance after 8 years of not having it. As you can imagine, in 8 years, you can accumulate several health problems. But one huge thing, one thing I cannot put off any longer, is starting CBT therapy for my anxiety. It's miraculous that I've even gone this far without it, but unfortunately it's not something I can do on my own anymore. I know that I need some outside help, and now that we have insurance, it's finally within my reach to get it. 
  2. Wake up earlier. I swear, this was also one of my resolutions for 2013. But you know what? It worked. For someone who loves sleep, getting up earlier in the morning really improves my mood and productivity during the day. So this is something I need to start doing again. I'm still not a morning person, and perhaps will never be, but with my new Keurig, that part might be a little easier.
  3. Get knee treated. Hey, remember when I said I injured my knee last February? Well, it's still injured. In fact, it's pretty messed up. I still can't walk without my brace on at all, and my muscles in my thigh above the knee have pretty much shriveled down to nothing. In addition to all that, from walking with a limp for almost a whole year, my hips have started developing problems too. SUPER fun. So, before I get all my other numerous health problems dealt with, this is definitely number 1. I'm honestly just hoping at this point that I won't need surgery.
  4. Possible online college. I know, I know. I've said a million times that I would never do online school again. But you know, at this point, I'm pretty sure this is my only option. Considering my glaring continued lack of money, and my growing knee and hip problems, going to college on a campus just isn't possible for me at this moment in time. So if I have to do school this way, then I'll do it. I've done it before, I can do it again.
  5. Keep up with all of my writing works in progress. My novel for November this year was a success, as well as the new draft of one of my old stories that I worked on in July. I have lots of stories to work on next year, and I intend to dedicate as much time as I can to them. Researching, editing, revising, all that jazz. And now that I finally bit the bullet and downloaded Scrivener, I can do all that a little easier.
This year was tough, yes. But the only upside is that, considering how unrelentingly horrible this year was, it still might be difficult for next year to be worse. I may be wrong about that (considering the upcoming inauguration, god I hate even typing the word), but for all our sakes, let's hope I'm not.

5 resolutions. Not so bad. They all seem pretty feasible. I'll do my best to hold myself to them.

One thing I did accomplish this year was my dog sitting job, even if it didn't quite work out as I had hoped (thanks to my knee). But if anything, I can be proud of myself for that.

Maybe 2017 will be the year of baby steps instead of huge moves. But baby steps are good. Baby steps are just as brave as large leaps. What matters is moving forward at all.



Whatever resolutions you come up with for 2017, Internet, good luck with them. Let's keep our fingers crossed for a year that's easier on all of us.

As for the Brennan thing, I'll just be over here, silently dying inside every time he likes one of my pics on Instagram, which he's been doing consistently again now since we talked. Sigh. (You did this to yourself, Sarah. Suck it up.)

Happy New Year!

xo Hopeless Romantic

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