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Hello Internet!

It's been a while since I wrote last. I've been soooo busy. I started my summer babysitting job, and I babysit 4 days a week now. D: Mhm. Four days a freakin' week. It can be a drag sometimes, but at least I'm getting 50 bucks a 'week'. Better than my $15 allowance.
And, when my best friend came home from Mexico, I told her everything. After telling her, she agrees with me that I should just let go of him. Her exact words. 'Why try to be friends with him when he doesn't even put effort into the friendship at all?' So, this whole time, I've been slowly trying to get over him.

Until just now. Just now, it got a whole lot easier.

So, I found out he is smoking Marijuana.
Me, being the 'anti-smoking anti-drinking anti-drugdoer' fanatic (my mom is a nurse), I got extremely upset. I know that when people do any form of self harm, its a kind of cry for help. Me, knowing him, he is basically a happy rich kid. What kind of problems could he possibly have to make him do that to himself?? He knows its bad for him. He's not stupid, and anyone with a brain knows that. So why would he do that. Me, I've most recently had my heart broken, my dad is in jail (long story, maybe I'll explain it another time) and our bills are stacking up. Yeah, I have issues! But do you see me causing internal damage to myself on purpose, setting myself up for laryngitis and dead brain cells???

Um, no.

So, whatever, you know? Go on, let him kill himself slowly. Since he obviously doesn't care about himself, why should I?? Why should I bother continuing to love someone that does something so horrendous?? Someone that does something that disgusting, so low, and so sickening doesn't deserve my love. I'm sorry, but he doesn't.

I'm so sick of him!! I'm so over him!! Screw him!!


Maybe he'll marry another druggie and they'll both die together in their 30's. See if I care.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: ricky bobby

Hmmm.

So, I don't really regret it anymore.
Hahah. Let me explain myself.
I logged back onto my account. I look at my comments, do the routine stuff. Then, I look at my bulletins. (Okay, yes, I'm a myspacer. Good luck finding me with their 5 million members.) He posted two, and out of curiosity I look at the first one, expecting it to be all,

ZOMG WTF BBQ SOMEONE TTLY HATESS MEEEEEE. D:

Exaggerating, of course. But no, I didn't find that at all. Actually, they were surveys. So I was like, 'Oh, well then maybe it didn't get to him.' I was actually relieved. But then I actually read one of the surveys.

(Note: I don't actually remember the numbers of these questions, so I'll make them up as I go. Pink is me, 'responding' to his answers.)

11.) Do you believe your last ex deserves to die?
no. i actually miss her more than anything.

As in, miss pretty popular cheerleader. Figures.
motherf*****.

3.) Have you ever broken a heart before?
nope.

Like hell you did.

5.) Is there a person of the opposite gender that means alot to you?
of course.

Not me, obviously. I mean nothing to you.

8.) Is someone mad at you right now?
i dont know. chances are yeah.

You wouldn't believe how much I hate you right now.

77.) Do you believe you got some growing up to do?
sometimes.

More than you know.

6949305.) Do you fall for people easily?
not at all.

I'm painfully aware of that.

104.) Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
yea.

And that someone is the luckiest person alive.

9743.) Do you hate anyone?
no. I would just rather not be around them.

I'm so sure.

946.) Have you ever dated someone older than yourself?
yeah, lots actually.

....s*** on a stick. I'm older than him.
He's torturing me.

10334.) Is there something you wish you could tell someone?
of course.

I'd give anything to know who that person is.
But I know its not me.

0.) Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
a little bit, she's really cool though.

I knew this had no chance of being me, since he probably hates me anyway and he hasn't spoken a word to me since he moved.

I don't think I've ever had such mixed feelings for anyone.
I hate him.
But yet, part of me still yearns to be with him, even after all the crap he's put me through.

Whats wrong with me? D:
(excuse my language, by the way. I don't usually curse that much...see what he's doing to me?)

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: ricky bobby

I did something bad, Internet.

Real bad.

No, I didn't kill anybody. xDDD

But really...if you think about it, its not all that bad. I'm sure people do it all the time, but...
I've never done anything like it.
So...I sent him a completely anonymous message. Totally anonymous. But it was mean.

i think you're a stupid, inconsiderate, pompous jerk. go die.

D:

I'm sorry! I couldn't help it! I was just so so so angry at him! I still am, but...I don't think he deserved that...he's generally a nice guy. I feel so bad. The moment I clicked Send, I felt horrible. I tried to cancel it, but it was too late. Jeez...I know its completely anonymous...but I feel so guilty! I get guilty so easily. It's going to eat me up inside, knowing that I can never tell him. Well, he'll probably never talk to me ever again anyway, just because he probably hates me in the first place...but still.

DD:

If he ever found out it was me, I would say this: I am so so so so sorry. I never meant any of it. I said it out of anger, and none of it is true. I know this might not be enough for you to forgive me, but I had to say it anyway. I hope we can still be friends, but really, I wouldn't blame you if you don't want to.

And, to make matters worse, I've had a painfully long week, and I turned down a sleepover with a good friend at last minute, just because I was tired.

DDD:

Double guilt isn't fun, kids. Don't try it.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: ricky bobby

I'm so sick of this.

Everything. The horrible feeling I get when I think of how he's treated me in the past, and then how he's treating me now. He acts like we're not even friends.
I hate how every time he talks about other girls looks in front of me, I turn into a jealous wreck. But he does that on purpose.
Does he want me to hate him?

As cliche as it sounds, I hate that I love him.
I can't get him out of my head, and it drives me crazy.
Why can't I get over this?

darn him.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: ricky bobby

So, Internet, I added him.


I finally mustered up enough courage to do it.
I even sent him a semi-flirty comment.

Ricky Bobbyyyy!
:0
how are you? all Amish and everything(that's an inside joke, by the way. i have nothing wrong with Amish people, they're actually quite cool. :]])?
:]]

I thought maybe if it were flirty, it would stand out to him more and he would want to reply more.

Well guess what?

He didn't even reply. He didn't bother. And you know why I know that? A blond, sluttier looking, and prettier girl commented him right after me, and he continued to talk with her. He saw mine, but he didn't even bother to reply.

After all this time I've been crying over him, missing him like crazy and longing to talk to him, I finally have the chance to...and he ignores me?

Correct me if I'm wrong, Internet, but that night on graduation, did I imagine what happened? Was it really all a dream, because...I could have sworn there was something there. I could have sworn that maybe, just maybe, he could have liked me back. But even if he did, even for a second, he would have replied at least eventually.

...Do I disgust him that much??



Internet, I feel like crap again. I feel that same sense of familiar rejection like I had felt dozens of times before.
I sometimes wonder why I even bother. I wonder if he knows what this does to me every time he does something like this. To anybody else, they would just shrug and go on with life without any remorse. For me...it kills me slowly every time. It kills me to think that I would do anything to see him again, and he has moved on from his old life carelessly, without any second thought.

Is this all I'm doomed to, this pain of unrequited love?

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: ricky bobby

So, internet, its been almost a week.

It turns out, I cried for a whole day then the morning after that.

D: I know, right?

I don't think I've cried so much in my life. But, you know, now that its almost a week later, I realize I can't be sad forever. I can't just waste my life away by longing for something that didn't happen. If it didn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be! He's probably moving on already, so I guess I should too. Its like they say, 'If you love someone, let them go.'

Still, though, it will take some time. I can't just make the dreams I've had about him every night since he left go away. I can't throw away the feelings I get when I think about our times together. Yeah, I still love him.
It will take a while for me to get over him, but I think he wouldn't want me to be all depressed about it either.

Besides, I'm a member of a certain social networking site (not saying which, silly gooses.) and I recently found him on one of my friends' friend list. I'm going to add him of course, but I just don't know how to 'approach' him after that whole deal. I might not have told him how much I was going to miss him, but I sort of felt like when he looked at me that night, he just...looked right through me? Yeah... I felt vulnerable. But... I don't know. DD:

Why do I have to over analyze everything? xD

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: ricky bobby

Hello fellow bloggers and internet-ers. Welcome to my blog.

Who is this you may ask? 

Well, my real name is Sarah. Not that exciting, I know. ;] 

But you all can call me Hopeless Romantic. Why Hopeless Romantic? There's a long, complicated story behind it, but I'll give you the easier, shorter version of it. How does that sound? :]]

So. Girl likes boy. Girl being me, the boy being...hmm. Let's just call him Ricky Bobby, yes? 

At the beginning of the school year, I didn't like him like that at first. In fact, I was pretty sure he hated my guts. I liked other guys, but I later found that they weren't worth liking at all. The others that I liked were arrogant, self centered and they were players. After I finally figured this out, I decided to not like anyone for a while (which was very difficult, believe it or not). Then came January. By the second week that month, alot of the Christmas couples had broken up, so I started to feel alright with the fact that I didn't want to like anybody right then. 

But then came Ricky Bobby. I had started to notice him alot more. We had become closer acquaintances by then, possibly even friends. He was also pretty good friends with my best friend. After that, I would do more than just glance at him. Everytime he would walk past me, my gaze would follow him. I would try to force myself to stop, thinking, 'Stop! He's too good for you.' And let me tell you, internet, he is pretty darn amazing. His green eyes sparkle. He has the whitest teeth I've ever seen, and his long brown hair curls up at the ends. Yes, internet, Ricky Bobby is a skater, if you must know. 

Anywho. Ricky Bobby had gone out with a girl during Christmas vacation, and she just happened to be one of the prettiest and popular girls in school. But that's how it goes sometimes, right? So, yeah, no wonder I thought he was too good for me. I was absolutely sure I wasn't his type. 

Then one day, I was looking at him. Then, with the way my stomach flipped and the way I couldn't take my eyes off of him, I knew. I liked him. So, I told my best friend. Of course, she told me she knew all along! Sometimes I think she knows me better than I know myself. 

After coming to terms with my feelings for him, I just went with the flow for the next month and a half. Then came the news.

At lunch one day, I sat with him, my friends, and some of his friends at the lunch table. Out of the blue, he said, "I'm moving to Pennsylvania the day after the last day of school." 

Now, mind you internet, I live in the west of the US. Pennsylvania might as well be the other side of the whole dang world. My heart sank. I couldn't believe it. 

After school that day, I cried. Long and hard, too. I had to veg, so I just stayed on my bed with about a half a million blankets, junk food and kleenex and watched anime. Yes, internet! I'm an anime freak. I was an anime freak before it became cool.

Anywho, I was watching an anime called LoveCom. It's about a girl that is in love with a boy that is alot shorter than her, and she tries her hardest to get through to him. I watched her efforts, and I realized that even though she knows that there's a chance of rejection, she tries anyway. People do that all the time. For the longest time I was afraid of rejection, and I was afraid to take any chance at all. So, from that day on, I pledged to take chances. I didn't want to hide from it anymore. I decided to at least let Ricky Bobby know that I liked him. I wanted him to see me differently, and I just wanted him to look at me in a different way. I didn't expect him to like me back. I just desperately wanted him to know. 

A week after that, I discreetly let him know I liked him. Actually, it was so discreet, I didn't even tell him. Haha. It was actually one of my good friends, but it was actually an accident. In a conversation with him asking him if he liked anyone, she let my name slip! He didn't react like I expected him to (I expected him to puke or something along those lines). He said, "No way, really? That's crazy! I never expected her to like me. I'll definitely consider it." When my friend told me that's was he said, I nearly exploded. Literally. Boom. I couldn't believe it! This motivated me even more to let him know, not just with words, but with actions too. Even at the class camping trip, we became closer than ever. 

Then came May. Along the way, there were times when I thought I had lost all hope. Some times when I wanted to give up on him completely. Times when I even tried to stop liking him. But the first week of May, I came to a realization...it was so much stronger than that. I tried so many times, but I just couldn't let go of him. So I didn't give up. I continued to be a friend to him, and we continued to get closer. 

Then yesterday came our last day of school. I decided to get him a farewell gift, just a small something to remember me by. I got him a t-shirt that had our state name on it, and I signed the inside of it with a message. 

The message said, 'Ricky Bobby!(i didn't really write Ricky Bobby, if anybody is confused about that!) Happy Early B-Day (since his birthday is in July, I thought I should write that too)! I'm still older than you! haha. (I actually am, by a year and 4 months. who cares?) So, it sucks that you're moving. We'll all miss you! (he has no idea how much I do) I just thought I'd get you something to remember this boring state by. If you ever need someone to talk to, you know what to do.' 

He really liked it. I mean, really liked it! He must've said thank you 5 times, and he gave me a huge, long hug. And did I mention, internet, that Ricky Bobby is an amazing hugger? 

Then last night before the graduation, when I showed up in my dress (which, I must say, was a good color for me) I didn't see him at first. So i just walked around and talked with people and gave plenty of hugs. Then when my best friend showed up, I saw him walk in. He looked so amazing, I didn't say hi to him at first. My heart was pounding so loud in my ears that I could hardly hear myself think. Maybe ten minutes later, I finally pulled myself together. 

I joined the group of people he had been talking to. "Hey guys," I said casually, trying to sound calm.

"Hey Sarah!" Ricky Bobby said, holding his arms out for a hug. I had been watching him since he came, and he hadn't given anyone else a hug. Just me, and he was hugging me because he wanted to. He hugged me for a long time again (another amazing hug!) and I hoped he couldn't feel my heart racing through my ribcage. After we broke the hug, I let go of the air I didn't know I had been holding. I smiled at him and looked him up and down. That's all I could do, because if I said anything I knew I would embarrass myself. For a moment or two, we just stood there gazing at eachother. With the way he was looking at me, I thought I was dreaming. 

Breaking the silence, he said, "You look..." he paused and looked me up and down. I almost exploded again. "...snazzy." 

I blushed from my scalp to my toes. I smiled and fidgeted with my fingernails. "Haha, why thank you." After that, we all had to get ready to start the ceremony, so I left. 

The ceremony was a long one, but afterwards everyone crowded outside. I was hugging tons of people and taking pictures, but among it all I thought, 'This is it.' I walked around for a while, then i saw him. I honestly couldn't bring myself to approach him. I thought, 'If I say goodbye to him now, that's it. Forever.' I was scared. 

Then, after a while, he found me and my best friend walking together. His friends were around him, including his friend that I didn't know. First he said bye to my bff, and it was sort of brief. Then, he turned to me. He smiled in a solemn way. "Goodbye, Sarah." I don't think I've heard sadder words in my life. 

I mirrored his expression. "Bye, Ricky Bobby." 

He held his arm out for a side hug...and we side hugged. I'm not saying I was expecting more than a hug or anything, but a side hug? It was pretty short too. But while we were hugging, he whispered something. I was so overwhelmed by my mixed feelings, though, that I could hardly hear him. It was either, 'You're cool,' 'You're beautiful,' or 'I'll miss you,'. I really wish I knew, because hearing any of those from him would make me happy beyond words. But I'll probably never know. 

When we broke the hug, I just smiled the same sad-like smile. I would reply, but I couldn't. I felt like if I said anymore, I would burst into tears. It was even painful to look at him any longer, so I turned back to my best friend, then he turned around too. And that was it. 

About 15-20 minutes later, word got around. My bff ran up to me. "Ricky Bobby left. He's gone!" and then she started crying right then and there. I just stood there, watching her. I couldn't feel anything, I was numb. I didn't want to believe it was true. She looked up at me, tear stains on her cheeks. "Why aren't you crying?"

I shook my head. "I don't even know." I said.

So, right now internet, I'm locked in my bedroom with junk food and blankets again. Don't know when I'll come out. So far, I've been crying all morning. It hurts so much. In my whole 15 year old life, I've never before felt the pain of my first love moving away until now. Is this how badly its gonna hurt, how badly its gonna feel? Will I ever fall in love again?
Great start to my summer vacation, I must say.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: ricky bobby

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