♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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On Self-Image and Being Healthy.}
Sunday, March 24, 2013 | 10:50 PM | 0Comment

So, Internet. Here's where I spill the beans about where I've been.

Basically, I've been...normalizing. In an almost self-rehab process. Let me explain.

This is the first time I'm talking so frankly about this, and it's sort of difficult, so bear with me. In online school, and even before online school, I had a serious problem. My self esteem was...rock bottom. I mean, just terrible.
And I admit, my self esteem rose considerably after I started online school, because it caused me to become more independent and much MUCH less reliant on others around me. I'll always be grateful for that.

However, in middle school, my self esteem was absolutely ravaged. I think on the outside, I always seemed normal, and no one would probably expect it, but my self esteem was so low. I was...self harming.

The way I was self harming wasn't the way people normally think of self harm. I wasn't cutting. I wasn't contemplating suicide. I didn't have an eating disorder. But I wasn't taking care of myself in the following ways:

I wasn't bathing daily, sometimes I'd wait 3 days between showers.

I wasn't brushing my teeth. Ever. At all.

I wasn't washing my face. Ever.

I wasn't taking care of my hair--repeatedly frying it with heat so it would be perfectly straight so it would look naturally straight.

I wasn't drinking, and if I drank something, it was soda. And that's it.

And in addition to these things, I hated everything about my appearance. I hated the color of my skin. I hated the shape of my nose. I hated my hair. I hated my appearance because I wasn't Caucasian. I hated that I didn't have light eyes like my white friends. I hated that I didn't have straight hair like my white friends. I hated that I stood out. I wanted to look like everyone else at school.

And because I hated how I looked so much, I didn't bother taking care of myself. Basically, I think that I never thought I was worth it. That taking care of appearances was for pretty girls, and for me, I wasn't pretty, and that was the best my appearance was going to get, so why even bother at all?

This is very hard for me to write. I think it's so hard because this is something I've only come to realize within the past 6 months or so. I think I never wanted to accept it before, like this was something everyone did and it was how everyone felt about themselves and it was normal.

And that's whats scary about it, because it wasn't normal. Far from it.

Nobody should ever hate themselves so much. Nobody. And I did. For a very long time. For so long that it felt normal and right.

So. Once I realized this, I realized that I had to change. I had to. Because I couldn't go on living like that. Before, I wondered why I was so unhappy and I thought I needed therapy or something else new in my life to make me happy. But, that wasn't what I needed. I think the unhappiness came from living that way for so long.

So, the week January started, I decided to change.

First, I began exercising every day, with no skipping. A small amount, but you have to start somewhere, right? After the first week, and being extremely sore after just a week of 15 minutes of exercise daily, it disturbed me to realize how out of shape I am. But having the 3 years of online school where I had no physical exercise whatsoever, it makes sense. I'm still working on building up my endurance, and I'm still at a low level, but I'm getting a lot better at it. I feel a lot stronger than I did before.

Second, I started taking a shower every day. Even on the rare days that I don't exercise (usually due to my period since I feel like crap), showering is still a non-negotiable, every day thing. I'm so much cleaner than I used to be, and my skin is a lot healthier and softer, understandably. Also, I started taking much better care of my teeth.

Third, I began washing and exfoliating my face after every shower. I wash with a Neutrogena face wash and I exfoliate with my own sugar and honey scrub. The skin on my face has improved so much over 3 months, it's insane. It's funny, because before this, I had just assumed that I was just one of those people with severe acne and scars and I always would be. Now, my skin is almost completely clear with just a few spots here and there, and glowing. Just from washing and exfoliating every day. It's sort of funny, but it also pisses me off, because I think about all the wasted years I spent burying my skin under layers upon layers of makeup, thinking nothing would help my skin, when really just taking care of it would have done more for it than any makeup would have.

Fouth, I stopped drinking soda for good and am just drinking water, 100% juice, and tea now. Also, I've been eating better and eating less fast food.

I've tried changing like this before, but it's going to be permanent now. I won't be abusing myself anymore. Not even when I'm sad, or I'm tired and I don't feel like getting up and taking care of myself. Never again. I lost too many years treating myself like that, and I can't ever do that to myself again. I owe it to myself to treat myself better.

In addition to all of this, I've been interacting with people more and spending less time alone, including weekly driving lessons with my Auntie, whose been so patient with me during our lessons.

So. Do I feel better these days? Absolutely. I feel like even just 3 months has made a world of difference in how I felt before. I'm much happier. I still have some ways to go--Rome wasn't built in a day. It's a day-to-day process. I've had some setbacks, but after that, I get back up and keep going.

My goal right now? Normality. Real normality, not the unhealthy normal I'd grown used to. I think about this process as rehab. A self-rehab, almost. Self-therapy. No one can do this for me but myself, and it's about time that I do, don't you think?

So, that's what I've been doing. I haven't quite found the perfect balance of self-care and play (blogging) quite yet, but I'm working on it. Right now, I'm just trying to get the hang of this whole health thing. And I won't give up this time. I owe myself this.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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