♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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And One Week Later...}
Saturday, May 12, 2012 | 2:57 PM | 0Comment

I'm still alive.

And I'm done.

...........I'm done. I'M FUCKING DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL.

Internet, I cannot even begin to tell you how scared to death I was about yesterday, and this week in general. I was scared to death. I was absolutely convinced I wasn't going to make it through this week. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I wasn't just dealing with finals this week. I also had 50 some lessons to catch up on on top of the finals.

When I mentioned before that I was behind, I wasn't kidding. And it had pretty much stayed that way all of April, not because I wasn't working hard to catch up--because dear god I was--it was just too much. Even on the days where I'd work hard and get tons of lessons done, more lessons from that day would just pile on top of the load that I had to face the next day. So the pile of work remained, and the closer I got to this week, the more terrified I got.

I thought I wouldn't get all of the work done in time for Friday, and that I would have to tell all of my friends, and all of my family (and hell, everybody that would ever ask about my high school graduation in the future) that I wasn't going to get to walk in my own graduation. I thought I'd never get to wear the graduation dress I'd already bought, thought that we'd have to return my cap and gown (or at least store it someplace where I'd never have to look at it again).
I honestly woke up on Friday morning and thought, well. That's it. Three years of hard work for nothing. Three years and I don't even get a graduation.

But all of this week, I worked my ass off. I mean, I worked it off. Everyday I got up and started working at 6, which I've never done in the whole time I've been homeschooled, and did not even leave my computer to eat. I took bathroom breaks, of course, but you get the idea. I refused to let myself think of failing and just pushed myself to keep going, even as time kept pressing forward and I felt like I was stuck on a treadmill.

I asked as many of my teachers as possible for help, and they all helped me as best as they could. But when yesterday rolled around, I felt like somehow it still wasn't enough. I still felt like I'd gotten nowhere.

So yesterday, when I finished my last final...I just sat there. Confused. Like, 'wait, where's the rest?' In fact, after I submitted the test, I looked at the lesson tree to see if there had been any lessons I'd accidentally skipped. And then I checked my planner for any possible tests, or assignments, or anything at all that I'd missed.But there wasn't any. There was no more. And it was still a good hour before the deadline.

And then I just sat there in shock. I think part of me is still in shock. I just sat there and thought, 'So that's it? I'm done? I'm...actually done? I did it?'
And then I started to cry.

Like, I just sat there and started to full out sob into my hands. My dog even came over to me and started whining. The weight that lifted off of me in that moment was just so immense and I hadn't realized until then that it had been there for a very long time.

And I was so happy that all I could do was cry.

Even right now, as I type this, I feel like there's a catch. I keep waiting for the catch. Like I'm waiting for someone to pop out of nowhere and say, 'Hah! You thought you finished all of it? Joke's on you! Start all over again!' I think that's why I haven't gotten truly excited yet. I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I haven't thrown my notes away yet, because I keep thinking I'll still need them. The anxiousness I've felt all week hasn't gone away yet, either. Sigh. Maybe it'll take a few days or so to finally sink in that I'm actually done with high school. No more logging in everyday. No more calling my teachers. No more long days indoors because I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. It's all over.

So, until it sinks in, in the meantime I need some time to recover. Physically, mentally, spiritually, all of that good stuff.
Because when I woke up this morning, I felt like someone had run me over with their truck, backed up over me again, got out of their truck, wailed on me with a metal baseball bat, and then got back in their truck and ran over me again. Migraine, inexplicable neck, shoulder, and back pains, a super swelled up stye on my eyelid that came out of absolutely nowhere, and my period. All at once. BAM. Stress is a killer, man.

But for what I accomplished yesterday, it's well worth it. Consider them battle scars.

In other news, on the night that I wrote my last entry, it was prom. Yep. Senior prom.

I didn't get to go because the officials at my old school have apparently lost their minds, making such ridiculous rules as 'girls can't take other girls to prom and boys can't take other boys'. Reeks of homophobia, if you ask me. Also completely prevents groups of friends going together stag, and practically forcing people to either go with a random date of the opposite sex or go by themselves. That's like a dictatorship, practically. I mean, I know it's a private school, but geez.

But yeah. Rosie tried to buy my tickets, and even blew up at the ticket sellers when they told her the new 'rule', but in the end she couldn't get any. I appreciate her trying anyway. I was pretty disappointed when she told me, but in the end it was just a dance anyway. Not the end of the world. Besides, Rosie said along with the ridiculous date rule, they added more this year too. Apparently they were also going to enforce the dress code at prom too (that means no strapless dresses, no spaghetti straps, no skirts above the knee. Ah, I remember these rules well. They mocked my entire middle school existence.), and have tons of chaperones to police any grinding going on. Yeah. Rosie said it was just 'okay', so I'm glad I didn't miss much.

The only thing I was upset about really was that I'd already bought a dress. So, I guess I'll just have to use that dress for something else. Maybe someone I know will get married soon, and have a super formal wedding? (Please please please. It's one of the cutest dresses I've ever owned!! I can't just let it rot away!!) My mom told me it would make a nice date dress. Hah. Hah. Thanks anyway mom.

Anyway. Recuperating. Doing that. Now. Hello Youtube. Hello kdramas.

.....Done with High School. Still isn't hitting me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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