♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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letter to rose. (secret #10)}
Thursday, May 28, 2015 | 9:27 PM | 0Comment

Dear Rose,

Hi. It’s been a while.

You’re probably wondering why I’ve written this letter to you after not talking to you or seeing you for so long. The truth is, I have a lot of things I want to get off of my chest. For a long time, I was upset. But I’ve never been good at speaking my feelings out loud, so I thought this letter was the best way to express myself.

I’m sure that you’ve been wondering why I stopped talking to you.

Let me tell you something. In 2012, a friend of mine passed away in a car accident. Since that happened, from the end of 2012 and throughout 2013, I struggled with severe depression. I rarely left the house. I also began having regular panic attacks and showed other symptoms of an anxiety disorder.

I have improved since then, but I still struggle with these things every single day. I still have panic attacks. There are times I still struggle to get out of bed and do normal things like bathing. I still struggle to leave my house for things as simple as going to class or running an errand.

Surprised? This isn’t something I’m comfortable talking about with most people, and struggling with mental illness is not easy to talk about. At the worst of my symptoms, I felt abnormal, embarrassed, and scared all the time. I just needed someone to be there for me to talk to and to lean on. And for the first time, you weren’t there for me.

I know you were always there for me when my dad went away, and when I was in online school, and that means a lot to me still. Nothing will erase what you did for me back then, and how I’ll always be grateful for that. But my 20th birthday forced me to reevaluate some things and take a closer look at our friendship.

I’ll always cherish all of our good memories, like how we would play at summer day camp, play dress up and Barbies, having intense discussions about books, endless sleepovers, our Harry Potter marathons and laughing at stuff online. Those times will always be close to my heart.

But other times, it seemed like it was so easy for you to forget about me. You’ve always been able to make friends easily, I’ve always envied you for that. Everyone liked you, and you’ve always had plenty of people to fall back on. You didn’t have to worry about going places without me, or having to be on your own.

I think that’s partly what set the dynamic in our friendship for years. I always needed you more than you needed me. I was this weak, fragile little mouse that needed someone braver to lead me. Back then, codependency was all I knew. So seeing that you didn’t need me, or care about me as much as I cared about you, broke me.

I don’t think you’ll ever fully understand how what happened on my 20th birthday devastated me. At that point in time, I was still grappling with the loss of my friend, and I thought that you were the last person that was there for me in some way. But after that day I realized that maybe you didn’t really care about me at all.

As I continued to struggle with my depression and anxiety, without even the slightest indication that you wondered about how I was doing, or even thought of me at all, this further cemented my wounded feelings. When my mom went to the hospital in late 2013, and I heard not one word from you, I finally realized that we weren’t even friends anymore. I didn’t understand how someone who used to be like family to me could throw me away so easily.

Was it so easy for you? I know that new relationships can be fresh and exciting, and it’s easy to get distracted. But I didn’t even exist to you anymore. I wasn’t even worth texting or getting coffee with. When other people made plans with you, they were a priority, and our plans were constantly cancelled by you, or blown off, or turned into a date for me to tag along on. Had I become too boring for you? Too weird? Or did you do this because you knew I wouldn’t say anything, and you could get away with it?

Was I that easy to take advantage of, or was I just insignificant? Our friendship was everything to me, and I needed you in my life. Yet you couldn’t even spare me a phone call.

Our friendship had suddenly become something unhealthy, and it made me sad more than it made me happy. And I’d finally found some other friends that made me feel happy and made me feel like being myself was okay. So, for the sake of my well-being and happiness, I had to distance myself from you.

Something I do have to apologize for is not being able to be there for you. I know this part of your life has been really difficult and confusing for you. I know you’ve been struggling, too. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there. But you can only be there so much for someone who doesn’t care about you in return.

That’s not to say that different people’s personal problems should be compared in any way, I just mean that after a certain amount of time, if it’s one person giving and giving and giving support, eventually they get tired. And I was tired of not feeling appreciated or important to you.

To be honest, I do miss you. Distancing myself from you was maybe one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. For months, I cried every day. Every time something important happened to me, I wanted so badly to tell you, but then the thought occurred to me that you probably wouldn’t care.

But in the past couple of years, I’ve grown a lot. And being dependent on someone who isn’t dependent on me isn’t enough for me anymore. I’ve been trying in every way to be healthier, and happier, and not having unhealthy relationships in my life is part of that. I still care about you, and still want the best for you. But I’m trying to take care of myself now. And if being friends with you isn’t a part of that, then I have to continue to move on.

I wrote this letter because for a long time, I thought staying silent was better. I didn’t want things to escalate into a giant blowout in case you didn’t like what I had to say, because that’s not how I wanted things to end. But then I kept thinking about my friend that died at just 23 years of age, and wondered if there were things she never got to tell people. Things that she just kept inside of her until her life was taken from her. If there’s anything I’ve learned the most, it’s that you never know what could happen tomorrow. I didn’t want to regret never saying any of this to you.

Regardless of what’s happened, and what may happen in the future, I want you to know that I might never have another best friend like you ever again. You deserve the best in your life, and I hope you always remember that. Life is cruel to all of us, but we all deserve true happiness and fulfillment. Never stop fighting for it.


xo Hopeless Romantic

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