♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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When it rains, it pours.}
Thursday, May 31, 2012 | 3:38 PM | 0Comment

But sometimes that's not necessarily a bad thing, right?

Internet, even though I just graduated two weeks ago, there's already lots of changes happening. For one thing, we're moving.

Yup. Moving to a new house.

It's interesting, because when my mom told me, I wasn't all that surprised. For the past month, I've had the distinct feeling that something was going on that everyone wasn't telling me, probably for the sake of me not being more stressed than I already was. Plus, I don't exactly have a good record of handling moving well. (Look to this entry and this one.) So, I'm sure they were pretty worried about my reaction. But when she told me, my exact reaction was 'Oh'.

I know! It was...weird. I felt a little disappointed. After all, we had spent 3 years here. A good amount of my high school years was spent here. And the last 3 years of high school, good or not, my whole life was this place. This is the place where I grew as a person. And for that, I'll always love this house.

But it was also the place where I have harbored some serious emotional baggage. It's the place I first started to realize who my true friends are in my life, and where my priorities should lie. It's the place where I realized that not everyone will be there for you. It's the place where I learned, unfortunately at times, what it's like to be alone for too long.

I love this house. I do. It has its flaws (like how the back of it is RIGHT next to a busy street, and we can clearly see the Walgreens across the street from the kitchen window, the backwards door handle on the door of the downstairs bathroom, and the way my room turns into an oven in the afternoon because of poor wall insulation, and the way my bathroom door won't close and lock if it's raining), but they're flaws I've grown to love. I love how the park is just five houses away, and I can walk to it whenever I want. I love how there's a Walgreens and 7-11 right nearby if I feel like making a junk food run. And I'll always love this house for the beautiful memories I've had here.

But, honestly? I'll be happy if I never have to come back to it.

Maybe that's selfish, but I've just had so many hard times here, and I can't help but associate those with this house now. I can't explain it, but it sort of feels like even when I move on in my life, if we were to stay here, those same feelings of depression and loneliness would stay too. And I don't want that.

I feel like this move will be a good chance for me to start over. Officially. I'm not 'homeschooled Sarah' anymore. I've graduated. I'm moving on. And I think that moving houses would really help with that.

These past few years have made me start to crave change. And where I used to dread change and push it away, now, as I've gotten older, I've started to embrace it. Maybe that's a part of growing up too.

So, there's that. My parents haven't really been upfront about how much time we have left in this house, but I'm getting the gist that the owner wants us out, and soon, because he wants to sell it. When I mentioned in passing about ordering something online with my graduation money, my dad said I should probably wait until we move. When I asked him if we would be out of the house before even the two weeks that it takes to ship this item, he said yes. Sounds pretty soon to me. I should probably start packing, haha.

Something else that's changing this summer are my interests. (Not kpop, lol. Pretty sure that's here to stay for a good while!) But something I wanted to start this summer was dance lessons.

I know, I KNOW. Wait, it gets better!!

I was thinking of taking beginner adult ballet lessons.

.......Okay, you can stop laughing hysterically now.

No, seriously! I've been considering taking some sort of lessons for a while now, like dance or Taekwondo, but I think that ballet would be the best option for me, and for various reasons.

For one: I'm out of shape. Like, reaaaaaally out of shape. And before you say anything, I'm not calling myself fat. I know I'm not fat. I'm just...severely out of shape. For reals. Like, I think spending all this time inside, not just for the past few months, but the past few years, made my muscles disintegrate. I'm just skin and bones, and in between them are squishy jello-y parts that I think used to be my muscles.
I get easily winded going up stairs, and I get sore from even just walking around all day. (Like, the day after my graduation? There were parts of me sore that I didn't know even existed. And that was just from WALKING AROUND.)

Also, two weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch, and when I leaned on my leg weird, I threw my knee out. I kid you not. Seriously, my health is terrible right now.
So, I need to work on getting in shape again, because I know being as inactive as I am right now, and being as young as I am, is dangerous. And since I'm not even a little bit athletic (the thought of me being on a soccer or a basketball team makes me laugh a little. I mean really, I just started thinking about it just now, and I burst out laughing. I'm laughing now as I type this.), I think dance might be the better option for me.

Another reason I want to sign up for lessons is that I'm uncoordinated. Really. I'm so bad at.....moving. In general. I trip over air at least once a day. I'm constantly dropping things and constantly off balance. And on top of that, when I'm in public and I feel uncomfortable or awkward, it worsens tenfold. Which makes my awkwardness worse. Which makes my general confidence and self esteem worsen as well.

So, I think taking ballet lessons would help with my coordination, my balance, and my confidence too, considering I would have to learn routines and dance in front of my teacher and the other people in my class each lesson. It'll be difficult at first, for sure, and maybe the first few lessons I'll feel like quitting, but I think it will be really good for me in the long run. And if it isn't? Nothing lost, except for a little bit of cash. Plus, I'd get to keep the cute leotard, tights, and slippers.

The past few years, after quitting volleyball right after middle school, I'd been thinking I needed a new hobby. So maybe, just maybe, this could fit me well. I could really love it. And if not? Then at least I tried and can say I did it!

So after we move, I might get to sign up for that. I already found a dance studio I want to take them at, and for a reasonable price, so I'm excited for that!

Two more things I might be doing this summer: a part-time job and therapy.

I know, a part-time job is a given, since I've been saying that every summer since the ninth grade, lol. But therapy is definitely a must.

As you could probably tell from reading this entry, and previous entries from the past few months in general, I've been dealing with some pretty heavy emotional roller coasters this year. Not just 2012 so far, but this past school year. It was pretty difficult, and I know that things could have been much worse, which I'm thankful for, but I feel like I need to talk to someone about it.

I talk to my parents about it, and they are always there for me and I love them for it, but I also feel like I might need some professional help, lest I keep them harbored inside of me to create deeper problems later in life. This past winter, my mom had mentioned to me a few times that she thinks I may have depression, and I think she might be right. I don't want to be over paranoid about it, but bipolar disorder runs in her side of the family, and so I feel like I shouldn't completely rule that out. To just be sure that it was personal problems I was going through the past year, and not serious health problems, therapy is something that I want to do as well.

The past few months, although I've had fun times, in the background, I've just...felt sad. Not like 'oh, woe is me, I have problems! My life sucks!' or anything like that, just...sad. I haven't really openly acknowledged it until now because acknowledging it would have made it real. Because even when I tried to be okay, deep down inside I knew I wasn't. And I still sort of feel that way. That isn't normal. And I've had a few periods in my life where I've felt that way.

So, I just want to get this sorted out. And I want to feel genuinely happy again. Right now, I feel better. I feel much better than I have for months now that school's over. But I know that there's things inside of me that I still need to fix. So that I can feel myself. I know it won't happen right away, but in the long run, it'll be worth it. Because I'm tired of feeling anxious, of feeling insecure all the time. I just want to be me again.

The next few months will be full of change, tons of it, but I'm ready for it. I'm ready for my life to go in this new direction.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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