♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡





"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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*sighs and crawls back over*}
Sunday, November 4, 2012 | 3:17 PM | 0Comment

Wow, look at me. Updating for the first time in two months. TWO MONTHS. Is that a record? I feel like it is. For shame. SHAME.

Where to start? Wow. Wooooow. Well, okay, first off, list of things that ended up not working out:


  1. Ballet, unfortunately. When the time came to sign up for lessons, which was incidentally a few days after I wrote here last, something intriguing happened. When we called the number found on the dance studio's website, it rang. And rang. And rang. And rang. And no one ever picked up. Not even an answering machine. The next day, we tried again. No one picked up again. Days later, even though it was days after lessons were supposed to start, we tried calling again. No answer. Our guess is that maybe the studio closed and nobody took the website down, although it was admittedly strange because the 2012 lesson schedule was still up on it and everything, so it must have been very recent. Either way, that was disappointing. We tried looking for any other studios that had the same price range, but none of them were as affordable. So, no ballet for me.
  2. The pet store job. You know it sucks because I was gonna write about how AWESOME I thought the interview went. As you guys can imagine, I was terrified, and at first it was slightly awkward, but my potential boss was super down to Earth and laid back, and she made me feel as comfortable as possible. Best part was: she showed me around the store and introduced me to the girls that worked there before the interview even started, and after the interview she had me talk to one of the employees and ask her any other questions I had about working there. Call me crazy, but that seemed pretty promising right there. Can you blame me for getting my hopes up? Sigh. But I digress. After the interview, I never heard from her again. I even did the follow-up email thing, the whole shebang. She didn't even bother replying to my email to tell me I didn't get the job. Just...never contacted me again. Not that I feel entitled or anything, but she could have at least told me if she wasn't going to hire me. I mean, common courtesy, right? But I didn't even get that. Geez. Mostly over it by now, I'm just embarrassed still I guess. Like...I must have really flopped that interview, or I don't make very good first impressions. Lol. But, yeah. Pretty disappointing. So, no pet store job for me.
  3. Grocery store job. Two weeks after I'd sent the follow up email, and I realized that I probably was never going to get a reply, I decided to apply to the grocery store by my house. It was a last resort really, because I had considered the grocery store job before the pet store one, and after having the "great" interview for the pet store, the idea of working at the grocery store abhorred me. But after I realized I wasn't going to get the pet store job, I decided to get over my aversion to the grocery store and realized that having a job that I didn't like that much was better than no job at all. So after finding out that they were hiring for all positions, I applied online to the grocery store. Since then? No calls to make an interview, no contact at all. So, no grocery store job for me. (But, to be fair, I applied to be a courtesy clerk, aka a bagger girl, and I read somewhere that that job sometimes includes cleaning bathrooms. Maybe I dodged a bullet there.)
  4. A tutoring job. Long story short, I met this nice Korean guy online (a university student) and we were talking for a while (about two weeks) when he suddenly asked me about minimum wage in America. I told him what minimum wage was in my state, and then he said that he would be willing to pay me more than minimum wage if I tutored him in English. It was totally out of the blue, and at first I was a little uncomfortable with the idea, but I thought about it for a few days and then realized how cool it would be. We planned some things, like how much he would pay me, how he would pay me (through Paypal), when we would meet (on the weekends, during a time that worked well for both of us), and when we would start. It actually felt like I was actually about to do something, something that would be fulfilling and scary but also something I would learn from, and then--the weekend we were supposed to start, he postponed. Said he had a family thing. Okay, I thought. That's no big deal at all, perfectly understandable. Plus, I was injured, so it worked out for the best (more on that in a second.) He asked if we could postpone until the next week, and I said yes, of course. The weekend after? Didn't hear from him. This weekend? Didn't hear from him. I messaged him two days ago, asking him if he was all right and if he still wanted to do this. No response. So, I guess that's not happening either. I get that maybe he just lost nerve and decided he didn't want to do it anymore, and that's fine. I just wish he'd tell me.


So, as you guys can imagine, I'm just...frustrated. It's not like I'm not trying. I've been trying, and really hard at that. Trying to just...do something. Mix up my life a little. Do something so I can feel like I'm not just wasting my time. But I feel like I've run out of options. I've considered every little other thing, but it either 1. costs too much money 2. requires a second car, which our family doesn't have and also can't afford 3. is too far. I'm trying, and have tried, and I just don't know what I can do at this point. I've even looked into online jobs, but there are none that I've found that don't require a degree or a vast knowledge of HTML or CSS (which I know some HTML enough to manipulate codes, but not enough to make codes out of scratch flawlessly). So. I just don't know.

And on top of that, about three weeks ago, I ripped a muscle in my left pectoral (or rib, maybe) muscle. I don't know if any of you have ripped a muscle, but it was probably the worst pain I've ever felt, other than maybe breaking a bone (which I've never done before, thank God.). I still have no idea how I managed to do it, but for two whole weeks I couldn't reach above my shoulders, put too much weight on my left foot, breathe too deeply, or cough and sneeze without searing pain. I had to keep my rips wrapped too because--and this is graphic, I'm sorry--I could actually feel the torn muscle getting pinched between my ribs when I moved. Yeah. Ow. It got so bad at some point that my parents considered taking me to the ER, even though we don't have health insurance.

So I spent two whole weeks not being about to do anything about lay down flat on my back and not get up except for the bathroom and eating, when I would lean slightly up on a crapload of pillows. I couldn't even write because typing hurt, too.

Lately it's seemed to be healing up slowly, and even now if I lean over at a weird angle or slouch too much it starts hurting again. Let this be a testament to how out of shape I am. AND, lol, that's not me calling myself fat mind you (because I know I'm not fat), that's me acknowledging the fact that the 3 years I spend in online school, I sat in front of the computer for 8 hours everyday, and then outside of the 8 hours of school, I sat in front of the TV the rest of the time, or slept. No PE. No walking to classes. Hardly any walking at all, except to go downstairs to get food. I am really, scarily, out of shape. No one my age should be as out of shape as I am. 

Whatever I did to tear my muscle, it wasn't doing anything spectacularly athletic or rough, because I don't do anything like that. It was probably just some ordinary everyday movement, or something too heavy that I picked up too fast. Which is sad. Not boo hoo sad, just....plain sad.

So, I'm going to start exercising again. Going to start off easy, probably just some walking exercise times at first, just to make sure I don't push anything. But it's something that I need to start doing again. Those two weeks were miserable, I need to take better care of myself.

Wow, this entry is whiny. I feel like that's all I ever do on here, lol. Whiny whine whine. But I just had to get that off of my chest.

How about some other news? Not really big news, but news anyway. Not really good news, however.

Last night, I had a dream about Ricky Bobby.

It was actually the first one I'd had in a while, since the last one in April. But still, to have another one in the first place, it was kind of...troubling to say the least. Especially considering its nature. It was short, but pretty simple.

In the dream, I was...I don't know. Having a normal day? Going about my business, doing normal stuff. I don't know when it was, but apparently in this dream I had not checked my Facebook in a very, very long time. Okay, not that long. A month, maybe. But when I logged in, I immediately saw that I had 46 unread private messages, lol.

I didn't really express any shock at this, so I guess that sort of thing happened all the time. So I click to read them, and immediately I see that a few messages down, there is one from Ricky Bobby. It's untitled, and I guess in this dream, that thing were you can preview what the message says before you click on it doesn't exist, so I click on it, my heart in my throat and my hands shaking. Why was I so nervous in this dream? No idea. But with good reason, as you'll find out.

The message is long, a few paragraphs long, and the first thing I see written in the message is, 

'Sarah--

I've needed to tell you this for a long time...I love you. Completely and absolutely. Always have.' 

In the dream, as soon as I read this, my hands fly up to my throat, which is something I do when I'm overwhelmed, and my vision tunnels. I reply to the computer screen as if he can hear me, "I love you, too. I love you. I love you so much."

Then, as a second thought, I say to myself, "Oh my god. Rose has got to see this." So I go to take a screen shot, but then I realize that the whole message isn't showing, and I should scroll down to show the whole message, along with his picture right next to it. So I try to scroll down, but my computer has frozen up. That's crappy, right? (And actually so true to life. Happens at least 10 times a day.) 
So I wait for like 5 minutes for it to unfreeze, and it doesn't. So like I actually do all the time in real life, I slap my laptop hard to try to get it to work. The screen changes slightly, seizes up, and I slam my keyboard frustration. Suddenly, the computer unfreezes, and a window pops up on my computer screen, saying 'Message deleted'.

The dream ends with me staring at the computer with my mouth gaping open and my stomach sinking.

Hah. Great dream, right? Or should I say nightmare.

First of all, just the fact that it had to be Ricky Bobby with that sort of message at all. But then the fact that I returned the sentiment, and fervently. What the freaking hell, subconscious?? What the hell was that??

So as soon as I woke from that dream, thoroughly disturbed by it, the first thing I did this morning was log onto Facebook and block him on it. Extreme? Yeah, I admit it was. And totally irrational. But, I don't know man. That dream...after not having a dream like that about him in a while, it got to me so much that I needed to make absolutely sure that it it had no chance of actually happening. I mean, I know that there's already 100% zero chance of it happening already (pretty positive he has a girlfriend right now, someone he went to school with in Pennsylvania), but I needed to make it 10000% zero chance. That way, there is no way that he'll ever be able to contact me again, but this time, it's my choice completely. 

And while I was at it, I blocked Drew and Pre-RB as well. Also overboard, I know. But it felt damn good. The last thing I need right now is some stupid boys barging back in and complicating my life further.

Also, this Halloween, I dressed in this sort of gothy/visual kei costume, even though I had to throw it together with clothes from my closest. But I got to do heavy fancy goth makeup, so that was nice. I got lots of compliments!

So. That's been my life the past few months.

I'm going to keep trying to find a job, or something, but admittedly, since the holidays are coming up, I might postpone it until after Christmas. Maybe I'll have better luck then.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

ps: Happy belated Halloween!

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