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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against." Questions? Concerns? Random observations?
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Sunday, November 4, 2012 | 3:17 PM | 0Comment Wow, look at me. Updating for the first time in two months. TWO MONTHS. Is that a record? I feel like it is. For shame. SHAME. Where to start? Wow. Wooooow. Well, okay, first off, list of things that ended up not working out:
So, as you guys can imagine, I'm just...frustrated. It's not like I'm not trying. I've been trying, and really hard at that. Trying to just...do something. Mix up my life a little. Do something so I can feel like I'm not just wasting my time. But I feel like I've run out of options. I've considered every little other thing, but it either 1. costs too much money 2. requires a second car, which our family doesn't have and also can't afford 3. is too far. I'm trying, and have tried, and I just don't know what I can do at this point. I've even looked into online jobs, but there are none that I've found that don't require a degree or a vast knowledge of HTML or CSS (which I know some HTML enough to manipulate codes, but not enough to make codes out of scratch flawlessly). So. I just don't know.
And on top of that, about three weeks ago, I ripped a muscle in my left pectoral (or rib, maybe) muscle. I don't know if any of you have ripped a muscle, but it was probably the worst pain I've ever felt, other than maybe breaking a bone (which I've never done before, thank God.). I still have no idea how I managed to do it, but for two whole weeks I couldn't reach above my shoulders, put too much weight on my left foot, breathe too deeply, or cough and sneeze without searing pain. I had to keep my rips wrapped too because--and this is graphic, I'm sorry--I could actually feel the torn muscle getting pinched between my ribs when I moved. Yeah. Ow. It got so bad at some point that my parents considered taking me to the ER, even though we don't have health insurance.
So I spent two whole weeks not being about to do anything about lay down flat on my back and not get up except for the bathroom and eating, when I would lean slightly up on a crapload of pillows. I couldn't even write because typing hurt, too.
Lately it's seemed to be healing up slowly, and even now if I lean over at a weird angle or slouch too much it starts hurting again. Let this be a testament to how out of shape I am. AND, lol, that's not me calling myself fat mind you (because I know I'm not fat), that's me acknowledging the fact that the 3 years I spend in online school, I sat in front of the computer for 8 hours everyday, and then outside of the 8 hours of school, I sat in front of the TV the rest of the time, or slept. No PE. No walking to classes. Hardly any walking at all, except to go downstairs to get food. I am really, scarily, out of shape. No one my age should be as out of shape as I am.
Whatever I did to tear my muscle, it wasn't doing anything spectacularly athletic or rough, because I don't do anything like that. It was probably just some ordinary everyday movement, or something too heavy that I picked up too fast. Which is sad. Not boo hoo sad, just....plain sad.
So, I'm going to start exercising again. Going to start off easy, probably just some walking exercise times at first, just to make sure I don't push anything. But it's something that I need to start doing again. Those two weeks were miserable, I need to take better care of myself.
Wow, this entry is whiny. I feel like that's all I ever do on here, lol. Whiny whine whine. But I just had to get that off of my chest.
How about some other news? Not really big news, but news anyway. Not really good news, however.
Last night, I had a dream about Ricky Bobby.
It was actually the first one I'd had in a while, since the last one in April. But still, to have another one in the first place, it was kind of...troubling to say the least. Especially considering its nature. It was short, but pretty simple.
In the dream, I was...I don't know. Having a normal day? Going about my business, doing normal stuff. I don't know when it was, but apparently in this dream I had not checked my Facebook in a very, very long time. Okay, not that long. A month, maybe. But when I logged in, I immediately saw that I had 46 unread private messages, lol.
I didn't really express any shock at this, so I guess that sort of thing happened all the time. So I click to read them, and immediately I see that a few messages down, there is one from Ricky Bobby. It's untitled, and I guess in this dream, that thing were you can preview what the message says before you click on it doesn't exist, so I click on it, my heart in my throat and my hands shaking. Why was I so nervous in this dream? No idea. But with good reason, as you'll find out.
The message is long, a few paragraphs long, and the first thing I see written in the message is,
'Sarah--
I've needed to tell you this for a long time...I love you. Completely and absolutely. Always have.'
In the dream, as soon as I read this, my hands fly up to my throat, which is something I do when I'm overwhelmed, and my vision tunnels. I reply to the computer screen as if he can hear me, "I love you, too. I love you. I love you so much."
Then, as a second thought, I say to myself, "Oh my god. Rose has got to see this." So I go to take a screen shot, but then I realize that the whole message isn't showing, and I should scroll down to show the whole message, along with his picture right next to it. So I try to scroll down, but my computer has frozen up. That's crappy, right? (And actually so true to life. Happens at least 10 times a day.)
So I wait for like 5 minutes for it to unfreeze, and it doesn't. So like I actually do all the time in real life, I slap my laptop hard to try to get it to work. The screen changes slightly, seizes up, and I slam my keyboard frustration. Suddenly, the computer unfreezes, and a window pops up on my computer screen, saying 'Message deleted'.
The dream ends with me staring at the computer with my mouth gaping open and my stomach sinking.
Hah. Great dream, right? Or should I say nightmare.
First of all, just the fact that it had to be Ricky Bobby with that sort of message at all. But then the fact that I returned the sentiment, and fervently. What the freaking hell, subconscious?? What the hell was that??
So as soon as I woke from that dream, thoroughly disturbed by it, the first thing I did this morning was log onto Facebook and block him on it. Extreme? Yeah, I admit it was. And totally irrational. But, I don't know man. That dream...after not having a dream like that about him in a while, it got to me so much that I needed to make absolutely sure that it it had no chance of actually happening. I mean, I know that there's already 100% zero chance of it happening already (pretty positive he has a girlfriend right now, someone he went to school with in Pennsylvania), but I needed to make it 10000% zero chance. That way, there is no way that he'll ever be able to contact me again, but this time, it's my choice completely.
And while I was at it, I blocked Drew and Pre-RB as well. Also overboard, I know. But it felt damn good. The last thing I need right now is some stupid boys barging back in and complicating my life further.
Also, this Halloween, I dressed in this sort of gothy/visual kei costume, even though I had to throw it together with clothes from my closest. But I got to do heavy fancy goth makeup, so that was nice. I got lots of compliments!
So. That's been my life the past few months.
I'm going to keep trying to find a job, or something, but admittedly, since the holidays are coming up, I might postpone it until after Christmas. Maybe I'll have better luck then.
xo Hopeless Romantic
ps: Happy belated Halloween! Labels: ballet, dreams, facebook problems, halloween, ricky bobby, work |