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Jazz's visit.}
Friday, November 18, 2011 | 6:11 PM | 0Comment

Sigh. Okay.

Before I start, putting this off was the worst idea ever. Ever. My memory of it would have been slightly lacking even a few days later, but this is ridiculous. But, believe it or not, procrastinating has been my number one hobby lately. It's getting bad, honestly.

Okay.

So the day Jazz was to come over, recall that she sent me a text in the morning asking if I'd be home. I replied yes, and why was she asking? She simply replied that she was coming over so we could talk. (Said. Not asked. Which would be fine with me, normally, if it weren't for the situation we were currently in, which made it sort of weird.)

So what could I say? No? I was the one who wanted to talk in the first place, so of course I said yes.
I asked if she could come by a little later, though (considering I'd just woken up and was not currently in the mood to have a deep, even friendship changing conversation. In fact, in the morning, I'm not up to any form of conversation that asks of me more than 5 words/grunts.).

At first, she asked me why she couldn't just come by right then, and I told her I was busy that morning, which was actually true because I had a few things I had to do, including a homework assignment that day and had wanted to do it earlier in the day anyhow. And at first she seemed resistant, but I stood my ground because I had stuff to do.
And to be honest, it was sort of rude of her to just assume I could move all of my previous plans for the day aside just so I could talk to her. As much as I wanted to talk this through, I wasn't going to get rid of my plans for the day just for her.

So in the end, she finally said she could come later. Right after that, I texted Best Friend Rose and told her (and we talked about how out of the blue this was) and came right onto here to tell you guys.

As much as it bewildered me, part of me was relieved because now all of this could be done and over with soon. On the other hand, I hate confrontation, so I was nervous.

After I finished my homework assignment (and if you're wondering, yes, people in online school still get homework, especially in AP classes), I went to wash my hair because it really needed it and also I didn't want to look/smell like a zoo animal when Jazz came over. So I jumped in the shower to wash it, and an hour and a half later I got out. (OKAY. In my defense, I deep condition it every time I wash it, so that's the only reason it took so long! And while the deep conditioner is in, I get out of the shower for a while, and then get back in later to rinse it out, so it's not like I look like a pruny wrinkly 90 year old woman when I finish, haha. JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR.)

While I was combing my hair and putting on lotion and all that, I heard noises outside the bathroom door. I assumed it was just my mom doing something or my dog messing around, but lo and behold I get a knock on my door, followed by my mom yelling to me that Jazz was there.

Which sucked, actually, because not only was she way early but I had also gone in there without a change of clothes.
Unsure of what to do, I decided to finish detangling my hair first, because if I waited until later, my hair would be one giant tumbleweed. About 15 minutes later, though, I was already finished, and still all taken off guard.

I was so nervous, Internet. To be honest, I didn't know what I'd expect on the other side of that door. I didn't know if this would be awkward, if she would act stiff and cold towards me, I didn't know how this would go. At all. And it was scary.

But finally, I turned the door knob and went into my room...

...Only to find it empty. Hah.

I went over to my parent's room and asked Mom if Jazz was still there, and she said that Jazz had told her that she had to go run some errands and that she'd come back soon.

Surprised, but relieved, I went back into my room and took that time to change into some fresh clothes. When I glanced at my phone, I saw these texts from Jazz.

"I'll be back at 3:45 ish" and "Sry I just need to run a few errands and I didnt wanna rush u. I tried to say bye but you couldn't hear me"

So I replied and said it was fine, and that I'd see her at 3:45. I got something to eat and listened to some music to calm my nerves a little, and before I knew it, 3:45 rolled around, and she was freakishly on time.

As soon as she got back, my mom let her in, and she came straight upstairs to my room. I'd left the door open, so she just walked in. I tried to feign nonchalance and look up casually from my laptop.

"Hi," I said, my tone even.

"Hey," she said, though she stared at the floor. She seemed really uncomfortable, but that reassured me somehow. "So, let's talk about this."

"Yeah," I said. She started to sit on my bed, but I had purposely clear the clutter in my chair for her to sit in, so I gestured over to the chair openly and tried to say, "Have a seat?" lightly, but somehow instead it sounded like something a campy super villain says to the person entering their lair while stroking a hairless cat. I mentally face-palmed.

She went to go sit down in the chair wordlessly, and started. "Okay. Well, I feel like you have alot you want to say, so go ahead."

I shook my head slowly and shrugged. "No, not really. I've already told you everything I wanted to say in that message, so no." I wonder what she expected me to say. That I hope someone would shave her head in her sleep, or that she would get a flat tire? I really felt like she thought I was more angry than I really was.

She seemed surprised, but nodded.

Now, DAMMIT, this is where my memory starts to fail, because I can't remember the specifics of the conversation anymore.

But basically, at this point she told me that she wishes that I would've said something from the very beginning that something was bothering me, so she could've done something about it, and I definitely agreed with her. I wished I had too, because then I don't think I would've been so angry about it. But the reason I had waited so long to talk to her about everything was because I was afraid it would all blow up, which in a way, it did. I told her that, and she didn't say anything really, just nodded.

So then we talked about I just felt like she stopped caring about me as a friend, and that I was hurt when she stopped hanging out with me and talking to me on a regular basis. She said she had no idea that I felt that way, absolutely none, and that she feels bad about that.

We talked about how I didn't like how she thought of me as a recluse, because my life was different now. I told her how different it was, in fact. I told her how I was healthier now, because I get to eat healthier and actually exercise; something I never did when I was in brick and mortar (sorry, homeschooler term, lulz.).
And I told her how actually being healthier made me happier, and that I have countless hobbies and tons of awesome things that I never got to do before. I told her that yes, I do actually leave the house on a normal basis now, believe it or not, and that Sophomore year was just a exceptionally bad year for me. (Bad to the point where my mom thinks that I may have even had depression for a little bit, something that only got better when I actually started being part of life and enjoying it again.)
Talking about this made me so overwhelmed that I started crying, because I wanted her to know how happy I was. That school was great for me academically, but personally, leaving that school was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I didn't tell her this, but just thinking of how back then despite getting to see my friends, I still dreaded going to school everyday, made me overwhelmed. I made some great friends at that school, and I could never regret that, but I was afraid of everyone else.
Afraid of what they thought of me. Afraid what they thought of what I said, what I wore, what my hair looked like.
I would have never admitted it, but my self esteem was absolutely non-existent. And I tried so hard to make everyone like me. I needed everyone to like me. Everyone at that freaking private school held my entire self-worth, and it terrified me, turned me into this empty shell of a person.

Leaving that school has given me such strength, such confidence that I've never had before, and she just doesn't get it. She thinks leaving that school took away my life, but instead it gave me one.

So I was telling her how happy I was now, all while bawling my eyes out, which probably told her otherwise, but oh well. Because I poured my heart out. So, if she didn't believe me then, then maybe she'll never believe me.

Anyway, after I calmed down, we talked about how we need to communicate more/better. I told her that no talking for 3 months straight is a hell no, because it tripped me out, and I thought she didn't even want to talk to me anymore.
She said she doesn't do it on purpose, just gets busy, but said she'll work on it. She also told me to remind her when she's being distant, and I said I would.

We also talked about how she totally supports my writing and my ambition to be published, and doesn't know where I got that she was skeptical about it. I admitted that on my part, I might have added that in the heat of the moment without really thinking about it first.
Next we talked about how she stopped telling me about her life, and how it made me feel closed off from her and shut out of her life in general. She said she stopped telling me stuff because she felt like she was making me sad with stories from school.

Sad? Sad?!

I told her she shouldn't assume that I didn't want to hear about, that of course I did because I was her friend and that I would have wanted know if she had a freakin' hangnail, and that she shouldn't have to feel like she has to protect my feelings. I also added that I stopped telling her stuff because since she stopped telling me stuff, I just assumed she didn't want to talk about our lives anymore, or that I wasn't welcome to anymore.

She admitted she should have, and then we both promised to stop assuming things about each other, because it obviously doesn't lead to good things. We even laughed about it.

Shortly after that, she had to leave (something about football practice, since she's the football manager) and so we hugged (briefly) and as she left we were both left with a positive feeling.

So since then, things have been a little better. Not perfect, or necessarily good, but better. We've talked twice, both were pretty good conversations, and she invited me to the movies tonight, but unfortunately I couldn't go because of being busy and exhaustion (long story). It's not back to the way it was yet, and I don't expect it to be soon, but it'll get there eventually.

WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, though, I learned something quite interesting about Jazz from Best Friend Rose yesterday. Actually, two.

1. She fought with another very close friend of hers, just last week. I was pretty close with him too when I still went to their school. Turns out he sent her a message, and essentially said the same exact thing I told her in mine: that he felt like she was making no effort to talk to him or hang out with him anymore. Crazy, right? I don't know if maybe seeing me confront her gave him the courage to confront her too, but who knows. He asked if they could talk about it, and talk things through. However, things didn't exactly go as well as things did between her and I. Apparently the two met for coffee, and as they started talking, things were going well at first, but by the end Jazz was screaming at him that he was accusing her of things that were unwarranted and stormed out of the coffee shop. He was adamant that he didn't know how things went so badly, and it really shook him. Rosie said he looked like he'd been crying when he told her. He even said he never wanted to talk to her again. I wasn't there myself, but from what I've heard about it all, he did not deserve that. All I know is, if this is the second time in a row this has happened to Jazz in the past few months. Hopefully she'll start to get it soon, but I'm starting to get the feeling she probably won't.
2. Apparently Jazz chews. Which is a pretty nasty habit to begin with, but on top of that, the Jazz I knew looked down on even cigarette smokes. She was that person that would cringe at people standing outside restaurants smoking. She was also that person that, in fact, scolded Johnny endlessly for smoking cigarettes. She called him an idiot daily for smoking. And that's exactly why it bothers me. It's not even the fact alone that she's chewing, even though it is a disgusting habit. It's just the fact that she used to insult and demonize smokers left and right, and then turns right around and starts chewing, when she insisted time and time again that she would never smoke or use drugs or anything of that nature. It's hypocritical, and it's not the Jazz I knew. At all.

I don't know what will happen with Jazz, but at this point I'm not even sure I want to know. As much as I want to be close with Jazz again, I'm not even sure I know her anymore.

But I won't jump to any conclusions yet. I'll give it some time. We'll see.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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WOW.}
Wednesday, November 16, 2011 | 6:33 PM | 0Comment

I'm updating!

...No, really! It's me! I'm here!

Oh my god, Internet. I can't believe it's taken me this long to update. After the Jazz thing, I got so busy and kept putting off the entry further and further until HERE WE ARE. And I'm mentally kicking myself in the face for putting it off for so long because now it'll be even harder to remember the conversation Jazz and I had when she came here. GAH.

But, I swear. I will post it soon. In fact, I'm aiming for Friday, because right now I'm going to wash my hair and go to bed early and tomorrow will be super busy.

Friday, however, I will have the entire day off (self granted, of course) and I will be free, so I will have no reason to put it off anymore. For you, Internet, I will write my Jazz entry instead of finishing Coffee Prince. Full of rants and obnoxious commentary, just like always. That's love, man. That's how much I love you. CLINGY HUG.

Also, right now I'm getting to your emails! I haven't checked my email in forever, and I so appreciate the emails you guys send me! I'm replying to them as I speak, pinky swear!

See you Friday!

xo Hopeless Romantic

ps. Remind me not to use Google Chrome while writing entries anymore. Chrome seems to hate Blogger and its posts' formatting, and I keep having to go back and edit them using Firefox. Huh.

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Well that was quick.}
Saturday, October 22, 2011 | 9:42 AM | 0Comment

Guess who just texted me?

Jazz. To tell me that she was coming over to talk today. In person.

.....Well, shit.

I'll update as soon as she leaves. Somehow, I have the feeling that this won't go well. Let's hope I'm wrong.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Frustrations.}
Saturday, October 15, 2011 | 9:16 PM | 0Comment

Hey Internatz. Guess what I didn't go to tonight?

That's right. Homecoming.

Due to a chain of unfortunate timing and planning, I was unable to get a ticket, therefore not being able to go. (I spent a good few days pissed off at Best Friend Rose for it, but by now I've gotten over it.) Kinda disappointed, but today I got a shopping trip, pizza dinner and a family movie night to make up for it. Beats spending a night with my best friend and 200 something other people that I barely know or sorta like. And I hadn't gotten a new dress this year, anyway.

It's been an interesting few days. For one, you know that letter to Jazz from last entry? Well...here's the thing. I sent it to her.

Mind you, I only sent it after sitting down and editing it to sound generously less...angry. And accusing. Because I know that problems never get solved when both sides or one side is spewing angry accusations. But I still kept the main idea, still kept enough so that I felt like I was getting my point across.

It started off with me asking if I could be honest (hence the 'Can I be honest?'), her saying "yes?", and me telling her I've been avoiding her, because I was upset with her. And when she asked why, I told her there was so much that I didn't even know where to begin (just like in the original letter). And she said, 'How about the beginning? I seriously had no idea'.

And I sent the whole rest in a Facebook message, just to get it out there and done with, so she could know all at once.

I'm sure this overwhelmed her, but I'm just glad that she knows everything now. It feels like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, because this whole schpeal had been nagging at me for months now. I'm just glad it's out there now, it's a relief.

After a whole day after I'd sent the whole thing, I still had no reply. I admit, it was making me anxious. So I said, "...So? Do you have anything to say?" I felt like she was writing off my personal feelings as attacks and was ignoring it. Plus, Rosie told me that Jazz had actually talked to her about it, saying that 'it had come out of nowhere' and that 'she didn't even know what to say'.

Admittedly it was pretty out of nowhere, but it annoyed me that she hadn't even bothered to reply. And on top of that, Jazz told Rosie directly that 'she never talked about her behind her back' and that she 'totally loves her', therefore making me the bad guy who's apparently making shit up, which made me even more angry.

So anyhow, after I sent that, today I got a reply from her back, saying: 'nope. I need process time.'

Which I somewhat get, because it could probably be a lot to process when she thought everything was peachy keen. But I just wish she'd talk this out with me now, just so we could work it out and everything would be okay again.

I know it seems hasty of me, but I really do hate conflict. It makes this huge knot in my stomach, makes me queasy. I hate it.

And as much as I needed to tell her all of this, I just want us to be close again. I didn't want this huge confrontation, but I just want us to be comfortable again. That's all I want.

So I told her, "Okay. Just let me know when you're ready to talk."

And I hate thinking about how it might be awhile until she can talk to me. I don't want it to take awhile. But I realize that it might. And if that's what it takes to fix our friendship again, then I'm okay with that. I just want my best friend back.

In the meantime, I'll stay away from Facebook (as I've done a lot lately, contemplating deleting it, actually. Cannot stand it these days, I swear. More than half of those people in my Friends List I haven't talked to for three or more years anyway) and I'll focus on school. Especially AP, which has been whooping my ass lately (curse you, Homer! And The Odyssey in general!).

This'll be sorted out soon. I just have to give it time and patience.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Letter to Jazz. (Secret #6.)}
Wednesday, October 12, 2011 | 3:54 PM | 2Comment

Hey Jazz, can I be honest?

Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I’ve been avoiding you. Because I’m kind of upset with you, actually.

There are so many things that have gone on the past few months that have stacked up, that I don’t even know where to begin.

Here's one. I don’t appreciate the way you talk to me. It really bothers me when you say things like, ‘let’s get you out of the house’ and ‘we need to get you out dude’. I know we used to joke about that during sophomore year, and back then it was funny, but now it’s not. Now I find it pretty patronizing, to be honest. I used to joke like that during sophomore year because it was true and I was still getting used to online school, but I’m happy now. Maybe if you talked to me more often, you’d know that it’s different now.

I’ve learned how to balance my school and everything else, and I live normally, not like some hermit you sometimes make me out to be. I’m perfectly fine with the way my life is now, and you should accept that.

I know it might not make sense to you because you’re always busy with stuff for school and hanging out with people and stuff, but that’s what makes you happy. Not me. You’ve got to understand that I’ve grown to love my life the way it is, along with my everyday school life and being inside my own skin, and when I hear you say things like that to me or about me it really offends me.

Honestly, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and I don’t appreciate being treated like a socially retarded 12 year old. I’m happy hanging out with you, at least I used to be. But I hate it when you say things like that. I want you to want to hang out with me because you want to, not because you feel like you owe me a field trip out of the house. That makes me feel like your obligation, not your friend.

I also don’t appreciate the way you talk about Best Friend Rose around me. I really haven’t said this until now, I know, but I just need to say it. I get that you don’t like her, and even though I have no idea why you don’t, I’ll leave it at that. But don’t talk crap about her around me. Please. She’s my best friend, didn’t you realize that it would bother me? I know you think she’s this awful person, but try to understand. I’ve been best friends with her for almost 14 years now. Since preschool. And while you’re my friend too, I really can’t stand it when you talk about her to me like she’s this mustache twirling villain. I get that you don’t like her. But that’s your business. Don’t involve me in it. Plain and simple. And for the record? Best Friend Rose had no problems whatsoever with you before, and I know you find that hard to believe, but she didn't. She really liked you. And I would've known if she had felt otherwise, because she tells me everything. Now the only problem she has with you is the way you've been treating me. Just so you know.

Something else that’s been bothering me happened a long time ago, and I should’ve said something about it then, but I didn’t. Remember the day before New Year’s Eve, when you spent the night, and there was that huge blizzard? You had been invited to a New Year’s party at someone else’s house, but you were worried about driving in the storm, so I offered that you could just stay another night if you really were concerned about driving all the way across town in the snow.

We entertained the idea, so much to the point where I was under the impression that you really were going to stay for New Year’s Eve, and I was excited. I was really happy because I never really get to do fun things for New Year’s, considering my parents never stay up until midnight on New Year’s and Rosie was on a trip, just like she had the year before, so we couldn’t do anything together either. So after we started talking about the stuff we could do until midnight, maybe a half an hour passed.

And then you left.

No apology, no excuses, you just left. And pretty quickly, too. Jazz, I would have completely understood if you just wanted to leave and go to that party, which I’m sure you did. But you could have at least told me to my face. I’m a big girl. I would have understood.

Even if you had said, “Sorry, I have to go to this party, bye!” it would have been much better. But you entertained the idea of staying over, and even got excited with me. It would have been much easier to handle if you hadn’t humored me like you really wanted to stay, just to leave hurriedly a half an hour later.

Nobody’s ever done that to me before. It really hurt my feelings. I was honestly so hurt that I cried. I thought that maybe I’d get to be with one of my closest friends for New Year’s, and that I wouldn’t have to be by myself, sitting in my room, watching the ball drop on TV, but I was. I was alone on New Year's Eve, and I cried myself to sleep.

And it felt like maybe I only had one best friend, not two.

And the time I told you that I was very serious about taking writing seriously, and I even wanted to get published? You were doubtful. I could see it in your eyes that you really didn't believe that I could get published, that I was good enough to be published. And honestly? I know that. Of course I know that. But I was telling you expecting to get some support, knowing that I'll get skepticism and doubt from everyone else, but the least I was expecting was to get it from you.

You know, these days it just really feels like you don’t give two craps about me anymore. You used to let me know what was going on in your life, talk to me about stuff that was bothering you. We used to talk for hours, and I liked that. And I used to talk about my stuff with you and I felt like you cared, but lately I don’t. Even when I told you about Drew the last time you slept over, I thought maybe you’d be happy for me for having my first date ever. Or that maybe you’d be more sympathetic when I told you that it didn’t work out. But it didn’t seem like you cared at all. You seemed kind of bored listening to my problems, actually.

It looked like you would have rather left with Nate* and (the other)Sarah to go do whatever, instead of hanging out with me and actually talking with me for the first time in 8 months. I guess maybe I'm too boring for you now.

The thing that gets me the most is that you slowly drifted away from me, and I get the feeling that it's mostly because I don't go to your school anymore. And that's the exact thing that we both promised wouldn't happen.
To sum it all up, I just don’t even feel like I’m your friend anymore. And that really makes me sad, but I just don't feel like you care either way. And that makes me even sadder.

Your Ex-Best Friend Who Has Apparently Already Been Forgotten,

Sarah

(xo Hopeless Romantic)

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College? Oh, yeah...that.}
Friday, October 7, 2011 | 5:59 PM | 3Comment

This week was a bit of a rollercoaster, Internet.

First off, being a Senior, as you can imagine I've been getting an influx of brochures and letters from colleges, and ones from all over the place. At first it was only a few, and now it's at least 3 or 4 different ones a week.

And not only that, but I've also been needled and prodded by my parents for the past few months too, understandably. After all, they are paying for it. But I suppose I wasn't quite prepared for all of it at once.

College has been something I've been stressing about since the end of Junior year. I keep thinking over and over about how I would handle living in dorms, going from just myself in my little schoolroom to literally thousands of other students around me at once, and college life in general. Every time I'd get a new college brochure, I would bite back a grimace and these thoughts would arise again.

But I hadn't said anything about it to really anybody, I'd just kept it inside with everything else.

Until this Monday.

That day, I had just finally finished going over what I'd write for my Oedipus Rex essay. It was one that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself for, considering it was my first official essay for my AP class. And it didn't help that I've had ginormous writer's block for the past month and a half. Along with that, I'd been thinking a lot about the whole Jazz thing (I'll make a separate entry for this, promise) and that's been weighing heavy on me. And ON TOP OF ALL THAT, I had literally gotten no sleep the night before thanks to my period cramps, of which I was on the third day of (which, I've learned from the past, is my most moody day).

All of these together do not a happy Sarah make.

So I'd basically woken up early, eaten breakfast, and sat down to work, perfectly okay. (Well not 'perfectly', but certainly okay compared to how I ended up later.) Getting two lessons done and out of the way pretty sufficiently, I decide to listen to some music while I write my essay, since I always do my best writing when I listen to music.

So I go to my favorite music streaming site and lo and behold, I start playing Set Fire to the Rain by Adele. When I get in my writing mood, I get very serious and even emotional. And Set Fire to the Rain made me flat-out cry the first time I heard it.

Listening to the (amazingly written, emotionally sang) lyrics of this song, I start thinking about love and relationships. (Sound familiar?)

And I think to myself, 'god, if something like love is so beautiful, how can it cause someone--anyone--so much pain?'

I start thinking about everything that can go wrong in relationships. Someone cheats, someone falls out of love, both fall out of love, someone dies. And I just think, why the hell would someone put themselves through that kind of misery?

Sure, everyone says there's always good with the bad, that it's all worth it. But is it really?

So. I'm thinking about stuff like this, feeling my mood dip to ridiculous lows, while listening to this heartbreaking song on repeat. And then before I realize it, it's been an hour that I'm sitting there, just thinking about this. I stare at the clock, knowing full well that I'm wasting precious work time, but I cannot stop thinking about this. It's like my mind is stuck on it.

Soon, I go from thinking about relationships to how I've never been in one, and how much I'm beginning to detest the idea of being in one. I wonder if I'll become one of those toxic girls that break up with the guys they're with just because they're afraid of commitment, and afraid of being hurt. I wonder if I'll become one of those unmarried swingers in my 40's, still running from commitment, running and hiding from the possibility of marriage and then divorce; crying and screaming and fighting with the one I used to love. I wonder about these women that I saw on this TV special once, ones that stayed a swinger their whole lives and into their 80's and ended up never having their own children and grandchildren all because they were afraid of being loved.

And I start to cry. Nothing hardcore, but I legitimately tear up, because that train of thoughts made me so overwhelmingly sad that I literally hurt inside.

And before I knew it, soon it had been another hour I'd sat there doing nothing. I turned Adele off, wiping the tears off my face, feeling absolutely ridiculous. I needed to do an essay, and I was sitting there crying for no reason.
So I straightened up. And I stared at that blank white Word document for at least fifteen minutes, trying to make words come out, staring at that short little dash waiting for my typed words, watching it blink on and off, on and off. I flipped through the pages of my copy of Oedipus Rex and stared at the ones I'd put post-its on.

And then...nothing. I could not even think of where to begin. My brain felt like melted chocolate. I was so tired my muscles felt like jelly, I was growing increasingly frustrated, and now because of my Adele-intense-thinking-session, I was sad.

And. I just started crying.

Not even the tearing up like last time, I'm talking full-on, hands covering face crying. Those tears just poured out of my eyes like they'd built up in there. And I threw down my copy of Oedipus Rex and stormed out of the room, because everything in that moment was so overwhelming that I had to get away.

I went downstairs to where my mom was, as she'd just gotten home an hour before, and I just stood there blubbering while she tried to ask me what was wrong, getting answers like "I...(hiccup)I just....(sob)....I CAN'T(sniff hic)....(sob)" And since she'd known about my lack of sleep the night before, she tried telling me to go take a nap, with which I answered "(sob) but it's too hooooot (WAIL HIC SOB)", which she then replied that I could sleep in her and dad's room, because it's infinitely cooler than my room and my office for some reason. She also told me I could take a sick day, so I could just rest for the rest of the day.

So I promptly went back upstairs to my parents' room, spread out a blanket on top of it, and proceeded to weep some more.

I was too upset to even go to sleep, even though I was exhausted, so I just laid there and cried over everything. Over love, over my stupid freaking essay, over Jazz, over college, over change, over money problems, over my self esteem, over everything.

I just basically had a meltdown of epic proportions.

After 3 hours of just laying there and crying and crying and crying my eyes out, my mom finally came in, pretty bewildered that I was still crying. And I told her about everything that was eating me up inside, because I had to tell someone, or I'd explode (or my tear ducts would rupture, whichever came first).

I told her about I felt like I couldn't write anything. I told her about how I felt at that moment like my confidence had dropped through the basement. I told her about how I'm scared of relationships. I told her how scared I was about college, because I am. And I didn't realize how terrified I was until I started sobbing even harder after I told her.

I'll be honest. I'm scared of leaving the security of my school room for learning, being surrounded by complete strangers after 1. knowing everyone at my old private school and 2. after just having to be home for school, without other people's drama and judgments. I'm scared of having a roommate and living in a dorm with communal bathrooms, meaning, my 2 hours for washing my hair alone? Gone. Goodbye long hair, goodbye privacy.

I'm scared of leaving my dog, who has epileptic seizures and means the absolute world to me, and how when I go to college, I won't see her as much, and when I finish college she'll be old, and I won't be able to play with her anymore.

I'm scared of leaving my younger cousins who I love to death, especially the youngest of them, who is almost one and a half, but who might not remember me if I'm never at home anymore.

I'm so scared of college.

I hate change. And college will be the biggest change of my life so far.

So I told my mom this. And you know what she said? "Why don't you just take some time off before college?"

Had I even thought about this possibility? No. I'd heard about kids taking a semester or year off before, but I never thought it was an option for me. All my cousins on my dad's side of the family all graduated high school with honors, all went to Ivy League universities. I just assumed this standard was expected of me, too.

But as soon as she brought it up, so easily and simply, the knot in my stomach began to loosen.

We started talking about it even more, and I realized that it's what I think is best for me. Not just because of my anxiety, but my situation in general.

Think about it. I've been homeschooled for three years now. When I'm not out with Best Friend Rose, or shopping with Mom, I'm sitting at home, due to not having a license/car or a job. And not only that, but I have pretty bad anxiety when faced with even the smallest change. Throwing me straight into not only a completely new environment, but a completely new environment with thousands of strangers, and even living with a stranger? Holy hell. I'd probably go into shock.

But if I took a year off before going to University, perhaps taking some classes at a community college, finding a part time job, and finally getting my license, the transition might be a little easier to handle when I do leave.

I don't plan on never going to University, ever. I know that I'll need to go, and the sooner I can, the better. I don't plan on waiting 20 or 30 years to go to college like some people. But I feel like this will take some pressure and stress off of me in general. My parents are completely understanding about it, and even a little relieved and proud of me that I'm making this decision for myself and not just doing something because that's the way everyone else is going.

So, that's just it, Internet. I'm going to take a break before college. How long it'll be, I haven't quite decided, but this is what is best for me. I know people won't get it, and they'll probably judge me for it, but they can just deal. It's my future career after all, not theirs.

So after me and mom talked about this, I finally stopped crying, and my face was so puffy that I looked like an elderly woman. And we talked some about Jazz, and then some about love, and then my stomach had finally settled enough that I wanted to eat dinner.

And then I went to bed early and felt loads better in the morning.

I'm telling you, Internet, that was one doozy of a day. I don't remember ever crying that hard in my recent memory, even when I was nervous about meeting Drew. But sometimes a girl just needs a good cry.

The rest of the week went much better, and I finally (and successfully!!) finished my essay, but most of all I feel most satisfied about making this decision. It was an important one, and I'm glad I made it now rather than later.

In other news, no football games lately. There was supposed to be one tonight, but it was canceled. There hasn't been one for a month now, and I couldn't tell you why. Huh. But Homecoming is Oct 15, and I forsure plan on going. More on that soon!

Here's to being being more emotionally stable after breakdowns.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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SUPER HAPPY UPDATE ENTRY}
Friday, September 23, 2011 | 2:23 PM | 0Comment

Hay hay hay. Internet, did you miss me? Did you?? Huh?!


I have SO much stuff to update with. Therefore, for some, I will use bulletpoints!



  • Started school! New classes and super fun school supplies being sent to me for free. Also, I'm a senior! Whoopee!

  • My new schedule when I first started school was this: Statistics, Algebra 2, Physical Science, Personal Finance, AP Literature, Spanish 1.

  • My schedule right now: Statistics, Physical Science, Personal Finance, AP Literature, Spanish 1. Why no Algebra 2 anymore? Well, I'll tell you. At the very end of my Junior Year, there was this huge flub with my year end finals. Basically, I finished 70% of my finals in time for the end of the school year (which was to be counted at the stroke of midnight), but due to crappy time differences and huge mistakes on my part, I could not submit my completed Algebra 2 final, nor could I complete my American Government final, earning me a complete 0 on both. Let me tell you, Internet, this is not easy for me to admit. This moment was probably one of my biggest failures in life thus far. I was devastated. All I remember from that night was running to my parents' room, telling them what happened, and sobbing. I mean, weeping. And that night, I cried myself to sleep. I'm not a person that takes failures very well. I had struggled all throughout Algebra 2 the whole year, and before the final, I studied the hardest I could and put all my heart and soul into that final. Math has never been one of my strong points, and the last few weeks of school I dreamed of when I wouldn't have to take Algebra 2 for the rest of my life. So basically, the moment I failed, even after all the hard work I put into it, it broke me into a thousand pieces. I couldn't go into my school room for a whole week, even just looking at it made me want to cry. However, after school started--in fact, maybe only the 2nd day or so--my dad had called my Stats teacher about something having to do with my class this year. Turns out, my Stats teacher was my Algebra 2 teacher last year, and after my dad explained to my teacher what happened with my Algebra 2 final, the guy felt so sorry for me that he arranged a way for me to take the final again. He'd seen all the hard work I'd put in the year before, and so he'd let me take the final so I wouldn't have to take the class all over again. When my dad told me this, I cried. Lol. AGAIN. But I couldn't believe this kind of kindness was being offered to me, and I'd felt like all my hard work would finally pay off. So, Monday this week, I took my final one last time. And I passed. Barely, and with a C+, but I passed. And now I'll never have to take Algebra 2 ever again. EVER.

  • This AP class scared the shit out of me when I first started it. I wanted to have an advanced English class this time around, just because that's what I do best, and I love it, but as soon as I read the class expectations, rubrics, rules, etc., it freaked me the hell out. However, now that I've gotten a bit further into the class now, it's definitely not as scary as I thought. It's definitely more challenging that any class I've had in a while, but that's good. To be honest, it just feels like I'm back in a private school level class. And I like it. I have discussions with my other classmates, and they're all smart, and I don't feel like I have to dumb myself down to talk to them. It's a great feeling.

  • Spanish 1 is so easy, btw. After taking Japanese 1 and German 1 before, this class is comparatively like a walk in the park, or a nice nap.


Anyway. TO THE NON-SCHOOL THINGS. And for this part, I can't use bulletpoints. I just can't.


There have been two football games so far, and I've been to both of them (of course). They've been pretty interesting.

The first football game, I wore an awesome kickass outfit (I'm the master at football game outfits), but during the duration of the night, I got a rock thrown at me (accidentally--I'm hoping, at least)hitting me square in my boob crack, a soccer ball kicked into my back really effing hard, and got elbowed on the top of my head by some Amazonian sophomore dude. None of which apologized, by the way. But I flipped off the soccer player and gave the rock thrower a nice bitch eye.


And who plays soccer at a football game?? WHO?!

So during the parts of the game when I'm not getting pummeled by random objects, we were just walking around, greeting and people. This includes one large group that we hung with for quite a while, and the group included Burrito, one guy that I've known since Elementary but have never really talked to, one of Rosie's good friends named Maria (pretty positive she doesn't like me, but oh well.), 4 strangers who pretty much ignored me, and Phil (whom Best Friends Rose is pretty good friends with now, and also whom I completely avoided, as he did for me. Ah, ex crushes.)


It's funny, in football games' past, I always got a lot of people coming up to me and hugging me and saying 'SARAH OMFG I MISS YOU' but now they all couldn't care less. Doesn't bother me really, because I couldn't care less about them either, it just strikes me as funny.

Also, after the first football game, me, Rosie, and this girl I'll call Jezebel (known her since the 8th grade, God I love her, but just know I named her this for a reason.), went to this little taco stand right by Rose's house. I mean, it's not literally a stand, but it's one of those super little 24hr drive-thru places with patio seats in front of it. The place may be little, but they have some of the best Mexican food I've ever had. We had these supreme quesadillas with cheese and beans and pico de gallo and homemade guacamole and sour cream and AMAZINGNESS.

The second football game was the weekend before last, on a Saturday. It was great fun too, though I noticed a few more things this time than I did last time.

Like how Johnny and Ricky Bobby aren't attached at the hip anymore. Last year RB came to every football game with Johnny, and now, I don't even hear anything about him anymore.

This doesn't bother me like it used to honestly, but I'll admit I am a bit curious just to see how he's doing. But it appears that he and Johnny aren't that close anymore. Go figure.

Also, Johnny and I don't really get along like we used to. We used to just be able to talk, and hang out, and I'd be completely comfortable with him, but something changed apparently. I couldn't tell you what changed, but something did. We're still friendly and we still talk whenever we see each other, but we used to be able to just talk about the randomest crap and banter back and forth. Not anymore. It kind of saddens me, but part of me wonders if maybe he didn't change at all, and maybe that's why. Maybe I changed. Funny how you don't notice things changing until it's too late to go back.

Anyhow, me and Rosie and Gene hung out the entire time like last time. We also hung out with the big group we chatted with last time, including Johnny and his new bed buddy, Autumn. (I talked about her once on here, briefly. Ex-bff of Rosie, and of me kind of, although I'm pretty positive she's always hated me and just tolerated me because me and Rosie were so close too.)

Also, a few times we talked to the Korean exchange student that Gene and his family are hosting. Mostly he just hung out with the other exchange students, but a few times he came over and talked with us.

Okay, before I go on, let's just revisit a certain aspect about me, Internet.

I. LOVE. KOREA.

Now, of course, I love all things foreign. I still love Tokio Hotel, and it's a well known fact that they're from Germany. I have all of their German songs memorized by heart, and I even took German because I was so interested in learning more about German culture. I was and still am obsessed with Latin music, and Hispanic culture has always fascinated me. In middle school, I went through a huge (ugh) weaboo Japan phase, when all I read was manga and all I watched was anime and KAWAII DESU CHAN!!111!1 One could just look at my very first blog entry to confirm this. (I actually still watch anime every now and again. Don't judge. Alot of them are really good. I just don't obsess.) My Hello Kitty obsession now is actually left over from that period, and I also gained a good friend of mine, Haruka. Me and her have been exchanging letters (yes, LETTERS. dun dun dun.) since 7th grade, and we're still close, as close as letter-exchanging penpals can be. We even follow each other on Twitter.

I just love other cultures, and I always have. But Internet, I'm telling ya. Something about South Korean culture has me absolutely enamored.

I don't even remember when it started. My guess is somewhere around April 2010, when I stumbled across a Super Junior music video on Youtube. It started slowly at first. I started listening to a few Super Junior songs, and I loved to dance to them, but I didn't know any other groups. Then, I discovered a Girl's Generation music video. At this point, I couldn't help but wonder if every Korean pop group had five million members in them. Still cautious, but I listened to a few of their songs too. Then, it was 2ne1. Then f(x). Then once I found SHINee, it was like tripping downhill, and it all went from there and there was no going back. You may raise your brow, but it wasn't so strange to me, considering my love for anything Japanese a few years ago.

Then once I was already engrossed in Korean music, I found Korean Dramas (I've definitely talked about my love for k-dramas a few times on here). I also started watching Korean variety shows and movies, falling more in love every time. Soon I found myself wanting to learn the Korean language, social dynamics, humor, everything.

I. Love. Korea.

And it's not even that I'm like how I was with Japan in middle school, claiming that superior!Japan was in every single way better than crappy!America. I know that just like every other country, Korea has its faults too, but my love for its culture makes all of it worth it to me. But at the same time, don't get me wrong. I still listen to American music of course, and British music, and what have you. It's just that at the moment I'm enamored with Korean music the most.

And all of this is no secret to my friends or family. Everyone that even really knows me knows about it. It's not even a secret, and I don't bother to keep it one. People think it's strange, but I couldn't care less. It's a part of who I am, and what I love, take it or leave it.

So, what was I saying? OH, yes. Gene's exchange student. He has an English name, but just in case, let's call him Shy Boy. (If any of you at all got that reference I just made, 1000000000 points for you.)

Shy Boy seemed nice, and I had seen him once before at the other football game. Gene introduced us, very briefly in fact, but we hadn't talked. So this time, he came and talked to us a few times, and it was nice. And it wasn't until maybe the second time he came to talk to us that I realized that he was cute. Really cute.

Okay, Internet, cut me a break here. I don't have some creepy Asian fetish. Okay? I don't. I know there's unattractive Asian men and attractive Asian men just as well. Even if I do love Korean culture, I don't just go creep on every Korean person I see.

But, you know me. I just like what I see.

So by the end of the night, me and Rosie wanted to go to the Mexican place with Jezebel again, as well as Gene, and she agreed to meet us there. As it turned out, Gene was the one who drove Shy Boy to the football game, so Shy Boy came with us in Gene's car to go to the restaurant.

And in the car, Rosie drove (just recently got her license and car by the way. She's a great driver. Yay Rose!), Gene sat in the passenger seat, and then it was just me and Shy Boy in the backseat. I was really more nervous than I should've been, Internet. I just sat there, pretending to listen to Gene and Rose talking while I sent tweets with my phone about how adorable I thought Shy Boy was and how nervous I was.

And then, just after I sent another tweet about him and closed my phone, pretending to be intensely interested by something outside the window, he spoke to me.

"Can I see your phone?" He asked me.

Now I, jumping into an immediate stole-the-cookies-from-the-cookie-jar mindset, stared at him in a sort of dazed way and gripped my phone. "Huh?" My first thought was that he had somehow seen my tweets about him, even though he was completely sitting on the other side of the car.

"Oh, uh..." He looked at me for a moment, seeming to be looking for the words. He pointed to his wrist.

My brain finally kick started and I realized that he wanted to see the time. "Oh! You want to see the time?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

I nearly handed him my whole phone, but I (still being paranoid, obviously) thought about how he could possibly accidentally see my texts about him, so I just showed him the front screen. He glanced for a few seconds, and then leaned back in his seat again, thanking me. I said he was welcome. And then....nothing.

Seriously, nothing. For the whole rest of the car ride. Thankfully, it wasn't a long drive.

So when we got there, Jezebel was already waiting in her car. We walked up to the front window to order, Jezebel and Rose both getting the supreme amazing quesadillas, and me being not so hungry, and just having some chips and guac. Gene got rice if memory serves, and Shy Boy didn't get anything, because he had had nachos at the game earlier.

And I notice something again, something I'd noticed a few times at the game as well. Whenever Shy Boy was hanging with the group we were with, he was noticeably left out. I've actually noticed this with all exchange students about 90% of the time, but it made me feel bad to see it. He just looked a bit out of place. It made me want to just march right up to him, say something in Korean to him, and we could have a wonderful, fluent Korean conversation.

........ONLY I'M NOT FLUENT IN KOREAN. NOT EVEN A LITTLE CLOSE TO IT.

So when this happens again at the Mexican place, and Gene and Jezebel and Rosie are all freely talking about something, I just want to talk to him so he won't feel left out. As I'm desperately going over the very few Korean words I know by memory (being the usual words you learn when you're just learning a new language; hello, goodbye, thank you, please, etc) time ticks by, and I cannot think of one think to say to start a conversation.

Until...FINALLY. I remembered one phrase from one of the few Korean lessons I've had. The phrase means 'I don't speak Korean'! Perfect, although sort of ironic, because it's just like saying 'No habla espanol', even though you're speaking Spanish by saying that.

But I decide to say it anyway. Now the tricky part was figuring out when to say it to him.

When we finally get our food, and we start eating, Shy Boy once again gets left out, so I decide to talk to him. A bit hesitantly, I lean over towards him. "Excuse me, what's your name?" I say as charmingly as I can. (Of course I already knew his name, but it was a good conversation opener with a stranger at least.)

He looks over at me and immediately responds, seeming to appreciate that someone was actually talking to him. "Oh, I'm Shy Boy. You are?"


I smile. "I'm Sarah. It's nice to meet you."

He grins a bit. "Nice to meet you too." To my blatant surprise, he kept it going. "Are you a Senior?"

I nod. "Oh, yeah, I'm a Senior." I add for some reason completely beyond me, "I'm short for a senior."

"Oh," he said, nodding, not seeming to notice the awkwardness of my last comment. "Do you go to (insert name of my old school/Rosie's school here)?"

Best Friend Rose decides to jump in, which relieved me, since I needed to get my nerves together before I made another short comment. "No, she doesn't. She used to, though."

"Yeah, I used to!" I agree.

He nods again. "Oh, okay." He says, then talks directly to me again. "So where do you go to school?"

"Um," I pause for a second, wonder if he'd know what what I'm talking about if I said I was homeschooled. Do they have homeschool in Korea? I don't know, but considering the hardass reputation of education there, I'm guessing not. "I go to school at home."

He looks at me for a moment or two, processing that, and then he nods hugely in understanding. "Ah, okay I see."

I chuckle, but afterwards there's a considerable lull, and I can feel the conversation ending. I wrestled over whether or not to say it in my head for a few quick seconds, and in the end I impulsively decide it's now or never. I blurt it out.

"Hangukeo...motaeyo!" I say with an unnecessary pause in between due to losing some nerve. Because I've never really spoken Korean to anyone before, at least no one that could actually understand it. My pronunciation was probably all over the place and all American-y, but there it was.

Shy Boy glances at me again, visibly taken aback, and then he exclaims, "Oh!" and laughs. I almost ask if I said it right, but instead I just laugh with him, my face burning.

To be honest I think my boldness shocked both of us, because after that, neither of us could even look at each other. It was only for a bit though, because shortly after that Gene had to leave, and him and Shy Boy left. My hands probably shook for a good ten minutes afterward.

So, let's be real here, Internet.

I seriously doubt that even if he were to get interested in me, that he'd want to get involved with some girl here if he were just going back to Korea next May. BUT. At least I can say I didn't sit around and do nothing while he was being left out. AND at least I can say I've finally spoke Korean to someone that legitimately speaks it, at least once! (I've spoken to a few Koreans on Twitter before, but I partly used Google Translate, and they could immediately tell, so that doesn't count.) So I don't regret it! Nope. I REGRET NOTHING.

So, that's everything thus far. Damn, look at the length of this entry. See? This is what happens when I don't regularly update you guys. It gets all pent up and eventually I have enough in me to write a whole novel on here!!

But now that I've gotten used to the swing of school again, I'll update more regularly, promise.

Hope your new school year is going as well as mine!

xo Hopeless Romantic

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