♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

♡

Welcome \
♡


"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






Shout |
Questions? Concerns? Random observations?
Leave me a message here, or email me here. ♥



Credit ]
Full credit to the creator of this skin.

©Template make by Adila. Base code Zaty. Some code from Jaera.



refresh profile affies follow?♡

Interesting information.}
Thursday, November 22, 2012 | 12:19 AM | 0Comment

Hey Internet!!

SO. You guys'll be glad to know that things are looking up lately. I mean, they're not perfect, and nothing in particular has really changed (except for my injury, which is now completely healed! Yay!), but I think it's more of an improvement in my attitude, which is nice. I just feel a little happier lately. Definitely something to welcome, for sure.

And the job thing isn't bothering me as much now. I mean, yeah, it was a bummer, but things will turn out. Eventually, at least. They always do. So in the meantime, I shouldn't stress about it. (Especially since after stressing about it so much, I got an ugly cold sore last week. Blurgh.)

So, things are okay. Last week, Rosie and I went to the opening night of Breaking Dawn pt 2 (judge if you want, I'm used to it, lol. Besides, I couldn't just not. I loved that series so much 4 years ago, and I wanted to see how the movie series ended. I was very impressed with the adaptation, and even thought that the movie was better than how the book went, which I hardly ever say about movie adaptations. So yes. Judge away! Lmao.). 

We didn't have to stand in line, since it was cold outside, but we waited inside the theater for--get this--6 hours. So we had a lot of time to talk, obviously.

While we were talking, and I proceeded to show her a picture of the member of a Korean band that I plan on marrying, out of nowhere she says, "So, guess who finds you gorgeous and like, super attractive?" with a giant grin on her face.

At first I thought she was joking, so I give her a weird look like, 'You're kidding, right?' And then when she doesn't burst out laughing, I ask aloud, ".....Who?" Because, uh, who could possibly think that, out of the maybe 3 guys that I sort of know but I'm not even really that close of friends with?

And before I could possibly wonder further who she could possibly be talking about, she says, "Jerry." 

Yeah. YEAH. I KNOW. (Refer here. And here. And here. And, ohohoho, this one. The shade.) 

Now, I still can't tell you how I feel about this. First I felt...well, kinda flustered. But flattered, definitely. It's always nice to know if someone sees you that way. But then I was...confused. And still am. And for a few reasons.

One would be that I didn't even think that I would be his type, and truly, I don't that I am. And this isn't me being self depreciating, this is me looking at the girls he's dated in the past and wondering how the hell that translates to me. Which brings me to my next reason: He doesn't know me that well. Hell, he doesn't know me at all.

From the outside, his usual type seems to be the super gorgeous, super-model like physique, party girl, wild chick type. Of which type he definitely is. Of which I am definitely not. 
Well, okay, I don't think I'm ugly or anything. When I'm all done up, I'd like to think of myself as pretty. But the rest? Uh. Nope. More like normal physique-having, prudish nerdy girl, homebody-to-the-point-of-almost-being-a-hermit type. I'm pretty much the opposite of his usual girls. 

So that makes me wonder, what did he possibly see in me? Just my appearance? Probably. I mean, I wouldn't blame him. Who doesn't do that, anyway?

But that pretty much gives me the indicator that we wouldn't have much in common. I'm sitting here picturing this conversation in my head, on our would-be first date:

Him: Hey, what about that crazy party this Saturday? You were invited, right? It's gonna be a rager. Are you psyched?
Me: Oh, I wasn't invited. I'm never invited to parties. I don't really like them, either.
Him: Oh...okay. Nevermind.
-Silence-
Me: Hey, so, have you read (insert popular newish book title here)? It's supposed to be amazing, I can't wait to read it!
Him: Oh, uh, no. I don't really read.
Me: Oh. Okay.
-Awkward silent eating for the rest of the date.-

Doesn't that make you cringe? It makes me cringe, and I've been thinking of that scenario over and over for almost the past week. I just feel like...it wouldn't go well. For the both of us. If we tried something, I mean.

And to be fair, just as much as he doesn't know me that well, I don't know him that well, either. Actually, I don't know him at all, period. So I guess I shouldn't judge. But I feel really hesitant about all of this, for a few more reasons: 

  1. You guys know how uneasy I am with this sort of thing. Remember how nervous I was about Drew? And how I had two emotional breakdowns before we met? Two. I hate the risk, I hate feeling like things are out of my control, or that I can't predict how something will go. It sounds stupid I know, but I like to know things. That's part of my personality, and if I don't know how something will happen, it stresses me out and scares me and I'll run away from it. 
  2. It could go well. At first. Which could be nice. It would be a new experience, which makes me nervous. But--
  3. It could also go badly. And that makes me even more nervous. Because then, it would put Rose in an awkward place, because she's best friends with him, and best friends with me. So if things went bad and we broke up, or heck, things went bad before there was even something there, then she would feel weird. She could never bring him up to me without feeling awful, and she could never bring me up to him without it being awkward. I couldn't have her to turn to if I'm sad or frustrated and angry about something he did without feeling like, understandably, she would take his side as well as mine. Actually, I would feel weird talking to her about him in general, because that's her friend, and she probably wouldn't want to hear it. Just...a bunch of weirdness. Tons. And I'm not sure I'd be willing to  go through all that shit, lol. 
  4. I'm...not really attracted to him that way. I used to, very briefly, but not anymore. Perhaps that's just because I know next to nothing about him, and I tend not to get drawn to someone until I know more about them. And I know, in the long run, personality matters more than looks, but...I know nothing about his personality. Which is probably why I'm not really attracted to him that way. It's not fair, I know. I just have a hard time getting to know people sometimes. And not just people. Guys especially. And with guys, especially ones that I like or could like, while getting to know them I get my hopes and expectations up unintentionally, setting me up for disappointment. A crappy cycle, and yet I do it often. I don't mean to, but I always end up doing it. I did that with Drew, and look how that went.
  5. I don't feel that I'm ready to take on someone new in my life. Not just romantically, though especially that, but platonic too. I'm too sensitive. Too unsure of where my life is heading at the moment. Too insecure right now. Somewhat emotionally fragile. I think that trying to deal with all of that, plus trying to start a relationship at the same time, would be a catastrophe.
  6. He and Rosie...had a thing. Yeah, it wasn't official, and it was like 4 years ago, but still. They liked each other a whole lot at some point--seriously, there was this time during freshman year when you couldn't even separate them with a crow bar, and I even helped Jerry plan how to ask Rose out for Homecoming. He even wrote her love letters. I KNOW. It would feel super weird for me. Even though they're not like that anymore now. Because Best Friend Rose and I have BEEN through boy drama before, (see this entry), and that resulted in the worst fight we've ever had. I never want that to happen again, and on top of that, even if those feelings between them definitely aren't there anymore...I would still feel weird. SO weird.
I feel bad, though. He's a nice enough guy, from what I've seen. And Rosie really wants it to happen between us. She thinks we'd be 'super cute'. But I just...sigh. 

I didn't outright tell her no. (Although she asked if she could give him my number, and I said no, but only because I've been having issues with our cell phone company, and long story short, my cell phone's been off for like half a year now. Yeah. Sucks.) In fact, I told her that she could tell him to add me on FB. 

She asked if I would be willing to get to know him. And reluctantly...flustered-ly...I said yes. How could I have said no?? With her smiling all huge and right in my face with a hopeful sparkle in her eyes like some anime character??? Huh?????????

So...yeah. Not sure how I'll get around this, now that I told her I would. But oddly enough, Jerry hasn't even sent a friend request. Perhaps he changed his mind. Let's hope, shall we? Let's hope that he changed his mind about my attractiveness and I won't have to deal with any of this. 

Let. Us. Hope. 

xo Hopeless Romantic 

ps: Happy Thanksgiving! 

Labels: ,


Doki Doki.}
Sunday, November 4, 2012 | 3:52 PM | 0Comment

So, about a month and a half ago, I downloaded this app called DokiDoki Postbox. It is, to say the least...hysterical. And so entertaining.

It's a popular app in South Korea and Japan, and basically the premise of it is that you can talk to people from around the world on it (though mostly from Korea, Japan, and America) using 'postcards'--little anonymous messages that only contain your message, your gender, and a little flag representing the country you're from. And then if you want to continue talking to the person, you can exchange contact information if you want. Cute, right? It's a lot of fun. I've been having some fun with it ever since I downloaded it, and while I've met some cool people on there (including the guy I was supposed to tutor in English, see last entry) I've also gotten some messages that made me laugh.

I'll share just a few right now, but I'll definitely be posting some other conversations from it on here!

His message on the top, from an American guy, and then my reply underneath. Found out later that he was 32.
From a Korean guy. The best part is that after I replied with that (shown underneath his message) he replied back with "Oh, sorry!" Like he hadn't expected me to be offended. I...I don't understand.


This made me giggle. Cute.
xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels:


*sighs and crawls back over*}
| 3:17 PM | 0Comment

Wow, look at me. Updating for the first time in two months. TWO MONTHS. Is that a record? I feel like it is. For shame. SHAME.

Where to start? Wow. Wooooow. Well, okay, first off, list of things that ended up not working out:


  1. Ballet, unfortunately. When the time came to sign up for lessons, which was incidentally a few days after I wrote here last, something intriguing happened. When we called the number found on the dance studio's website, it rang. And rang. And rang. And rang. And no one ever picked up. Not even an answering machine. The next day, we tried again. No one picked up again. Days later, even though it was days after lessons were supposed to start, we tried calling again. No answer. Our guess is that maybe the studio closed and nobody took the website down, although it was admittedly strange because the 2012 lesson schedule was still up on it and everything, so it must have been very recent. Either way, that was disappointing. We tried looking for any other studios that had the same price range, but none of them were as affordable. So, no ballet for me.
  2. The pet store job. You know it sucks because I was gonna write about how AWESOME I thought the interview went. As you guys can imagine, I was terrified, and at first it was slightly awkward, but my potential boss was super down to Earth and laid back, and she made me feel as comfortable as possible. Best part was: she showed me around the store and introduced me to the girls that worked there before the interview even started, and after the interview she had me talk to one of the employees and ask her any other questions I had about working there. Call me crazy, but that seemed pretty promising right there. Can you blame me for getting my hopes up? Sigh. But I digress. After the interview, I never heard from her again. I even did the follow-up email thing, the whole shebang. She didn't even bother replying to my email to tell me I didn't get the job. Just...never contacted me again. Not that I feel entitled or anything, but she could have at least told me if she wasn't going to hire me. I mean, common courtesy, right? But I didn't even get that. Geez. Mostly over it by now, I'm just embarrassed still I guess. Like...I must have really flopped that interview, or I don't make very good first impressions. Lol. But, yeah. Pretty disappointing. So, no pet store job for me.
  3. Grocery store job. Two weeks after I'd sent the follow up email, and I realized that I probably was never going to get a reply, I decided to apply to the grocery store by my house. It was a last resort really, because I had considered the grocery store job before the pet store one, and after having the "great" interview for the pet store, the idea of working at the grocery store abhorred me. But after I realized I wasn't going to get the pet store job, I decided to get over my aversion to the grocery store and realized that having a job that I didn't like that much was better than no job at all. So after finding out that they were hiring for all positions, I applied online to the grocery store. Since then? No calls to make an interview, no contact at all. So, no grocery store job for me. (But, to be fair, I applied to be a courtesy clerk, aka a bagger girl, and I read somewhere that that job sometimes includes cleaning bathrooms. Maybe I dodged a bullet there.)
  4. A tutoring job. Long story short, I met this nice Korean guy online (a university student) and we were talking for a while (about two weeks) when he suddenly asked me about minimum wage in America. I told him what minimum wage was in my state, and then he said that he would be willing to pay me more than minimum wage if I tutored him in English. It was totally out of the blue, and at first I was a little uncomfortable with the idea, but I thought about it for a few days and then realized how cool it would be. We planned some things, like how much he would pay me, how he would pay me (through Paypal), when we would meet (on the weekends, during a time that worked well for both of us), and when we would start. It actually felt like I was actually about to do something, something that would be fulfilling and scary but also something I would learn from, and then--the weekend we were supposed to start, he postponed. Said he had a family thing. Okay, I thought. That's no big deal at all, perfectly understandable. Plus, I was injured, so it worked out for the best (more on that in a second.) He asked if we could postpone until the next week, and I said yes, of course. The weekend after? Didn't hear from him. This weekend? Didn't hear from him. I messaged him two days ago, asking him if he was all right and if he still wanted to do this. No response. So, I guess that's not happening either. I get that maybe he just lost nerve and decided he didn't want to do it anymore, and that's fine. I just wish he'd tell me.


So, as you guys can imagine, I'm just...frustrated. It's not like I'm not trying. I've been trying, and really hard at that. Trying to just...do something. Mix up my life a little. Do something so I can feel like I'm not just wasting my time. But I feel like I've run out of options. I've considered every little other thing, but it either 1. costs too much money 2. requires a second car, which our family doesn't have and also can't afford 3. is too far. I'm trying, and have tried, and I just don't know what I can do at this point. I've even looked into online jobs, but there are none that I've found that don't require a degree or a vast knowledge of HTML or CSS (which I know some HTML enough to manipulate codes, but not enough to make codes out of scratch flawlessly). So. I just don't know.

And on top of that, about three weeks ago, I ripped a muscle in my left pectoral (or rib, maybe) muscle. I don't know if any of you have ripped a muscle, but it was probably the worst pain I've ever felt, other than maybe breaking a bone (which I've never done before, thank God.). I still have no idea how I managed to do it, but for two whole weeks I couldn't reach above my shoulders, put too much weight on my left foot, breathe too deeply, or cough and sneeze without searing pain. I had to keep my rips wrapped too because--and this is graphic, I'm sorry--I could actually feel the torn muscle getting pinched between my ribs when I moved. Yeah. Ow. It got so bad at some point that my parents considered taking me to the ER, even though we don't have health insurance.

So I spent two whole weeks not being about to do anything about lay down flat on my back and not get up except for the bathroom and eating, when I would lean slightly up on a crapload of pillows. I couldn't even write because typing hurt, too.

Lately it's seemed to be healing up slowly, and even now if I lean over at a weird angle or slouch too much it starts hurting again. Let this be a testament to how out of shape I am. AND, lol, that's not me calling myself fat mind you (because I know I'm not fat), that's me acknowledging the fact that the 3 years I spend in online school, I sat in front of the computer for 8 hours everyday, and then outside of the 8 hours of school, I sat in front of the TV the rest of the time, or slept. No PE. No walking to classes. Hardly any walking at all, except to go downstairs to get food. I am really, scarily, out of shape. No one my age should be as out of shape as I am. 

Whatever I did to tear my muscle, it wasn't doing anything spectacularly athletic or rough, because I don't do anything like that. It was probably just some ordinary everyday movement, or something too heavy that I picked up too fast. Which is sad. Not boo hoo sad, just....plain sad.

So, I'm going to start exercising again. Going to start off easy, probably just some walking exercise times at first, just to make sure I don't push anything. But it's something that I need to start doing again. Those two weeks were miserable, I need to take better care of myself.

Wow, this entry is whiny. I feel like that's all I ever do on here, lol. Whiny whine whine. But I just had to get that off of my chest.

How about some other news? Not really big news, but news anyway. Not really good news, however.

Last night, I had a dream about Ricky Bobby.

It was actually the first one I'd had in a while, since the last one in April. But still, to have another one in the first place, it was kind of...troubling to say the least. Especially considering its nature. It was short, but pretty simple.

In the dream, I was...I don't know. Having a normal day? Going about my business, doing normal stuff. I don't know when it was, but apparently in this dream I had not checked my Facebook in a very, very long time. Okay, not that long. A month, maybe. But when I logged in, I immediately saw that I had 46 unread private messages, lol.

I didn't really express any shock at this, so I guess that sort of thing happened all the time. So I click to read them, and immediately I see that a few messages down, there is one from Ricky Bobby. It's untitled, and I guess in this dream, that thing were you can preview what the message says before you click on it doesn't exist, so I click on it, my heart in my throat and my hands shaking. Why was I so nervous in this dream? No idea. But with good reason, as you'll find out.

The message is long, a few paragraphs long, and the first thing I see written in the message is, 

'Sarah--

I've needed to tell you this for a long time...I love you. Completely and absolutely. Always have.' 

In the dream, as soon as I read this, my hands fly up to my throat, which is something I do when I'm overwhelmed, and my vision tunnels. I reply to the computer screen as if he can hear me, "I love you, too. I love you. I love you so much."

Then, as a second thought, I say to myself, "Oh my god. Rose has got to see this." So I go to take a screen shot, but then I realize that the whole message isn't showing, and I should scroll down to show the whole message, along with his picture right next to it. So I try to scroll down, but my computer has frozen up. That's crappy, right? (And actually so true to life. Happens at least 10 times a day.) 
So I wait for like 5 minutes for it to unfreeze, and it doesn't. So like I actually do all the time in real life, I slap my laptop hard to try to get it to work. The screen changes slightly, seizes up, and I slam my keyboard frustration. Suddenly, the computer unfreezes, and a window pops up on my computer screen, saying 'Message deleted'.

The dream ends with me staring at the computer with my mouth gaping open and my stomach sinking.

Hah. Great dream, right? Or should I say nightmare.

First of all, just the fact that it had to be Ricky Bobby with that sort of message at all. But then the fact that I returned the sentiment, and fervently. What the freaking hell, subconscious?? What the hell was that??

So as soon as I woke from that dream, thoroughly disturbed by it, the first thing I did this morning was log onto Facebook and block him on it. Extreme? Yeah, I admit it was. And totally irrational. But, I don't know man. That dream...after not having a dream like that about him in a while, it got to me so much that I needed to make absolutely sure that it it had no chance of actually happening. I mean, I know that there's already 100% zero chance of it happening already (pretty positive he has a girlfriend right now, someone he went to school with in Pennsylvania), but I needed to make it 10000% zero chance. That way, there is no way that he'll ever be able to contact me again, but this time, it's my choice completely. 

And while I was at it, I blocked Drew and Pre-RB as well. Also overboard, I know. But it felt damn good. The last thing I need right now is some stupid boys barging back in and complicating my life further.

Also, this Halloween, I dressed in this sort of gothy/visual kei costume, even though I had to throw it together with clothes from my closest. But I got to do heavy fancy goth makeup, so that was nice. I got lots of compliments!

So. That's been my life the past few months.

I'm going to keep trying to find a job, or something, but admittedly, since the holidays are coming up, I might postpone it until after Christmas. Maybe I'll have better luck then.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

 ps: Happy belated Halloween!

Labels: , , , , ,



His message on the top, from an American guy, and then my reply underneath. Found out later that he was 32.
From a Korean guy. The best part is that after I replied with that (shown underneath his message) he replied back with "Oh, sorry!" Like he hadn't expected me to be offended. I...I don't understand.


This made me giggle. Cute.
xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels:


*sighs and crawls back over*}
| 3:17 PM | 0 comment
Wow, look at me. Updating for the first time in two months. TWO MONTHS. Is that a record? I feel like it is. For shame. SHAME.

Where to start? Wow. Wooooow. Well, okay, first off, list of things that ended up not working out:


  1. Ballet, unfortunately. When the time came to sign up for lessons, which was incidentally a few days after I wrote here last, something intriguing happened. When we called the number found on the dance studio's website, it rang. And rang. And rang. And rang. And no one ever picked up. Not even an answering machine. The next day, we tried again. No one picked up again. Days later, even though it was days after lessons were supposed to start, we tried calling again. No answer. Our guess is that maybe the studio closed and nobody took the website down, although it was admittedly strange because the 2012 lesson schedule was still up on it and everything, so it must have been very recent. Either way, that was disappointing. We tried looking for any other studios that had the same price range, but none of them were as affordable. So, no ballet for me.
  2. The pet store job. You know it sucks because I was gonna write about how AWESOME I thought the interview went. As you guys can imagine, I was terrified, and at first it was slightly awkward, but my potential boss was super down to Earth and laid back, and she made me feel as comfortable as possible. Best part was: she showed me around the store and introduced me to the girls that worked there before the interview even started, and after the interview she had me talk to one of the employees and ask her any other questions I had about working there. Call me crazy, but that seemed pretty promising right there. Can you blame me for getting my hopes up? Sigh. But I digress. After the interview, I never heard from her again. I even did the follow-up email thing, the whole shebang. She didn't even bother replying to my email to tell me I didn't get the job. Just...never contacted me again. Not that I feel entitled or anything, but she could have at least told me if she wasn't going to hire me. I mean, common courtesy, right? But I didn't even get that. Geez. Mostly over it by now, I'm just embarrassed still I guess. Like...I must have really flopped that interview, or I don't make very good first impressions. Lol. But, yeah. Pretty disappointing. So, no pet store job for me.
  3. Grocery store job. Two weeks after I'd sent the follow up email, and I realized that I probably was never going to get a reply, I decided to apply to the grocery store by my house. It was a last resort really, because I had considered the grocery store job before the pet store one, and after having the "great" interview for the pet store, the idea of working at the grocery store abhorred me. But after I realized I wasn't going to get the pet store job, I decided to get over my aversion to the grocery store and realized that having a job that I didn't like that much was better than no job at all. So after finding out that they were hiring for all positions, I applied online to the grocery store. Since then? No calls to make an interview, no contact at all. So, no grocery store job for me. (But, to be fair, I applied to be a courtesy clerk, aka a bagger girl, and I read somewhere that that job sometimes includes cleaning bathrooms. Maybe I dodged a bullet there.)
  4. A tutoring job. Long story short, I met this nice Korean guy online (a university student) and we were talking for a while (about two weeks) when he suddenly asked me about minimum wage in America. I told him what minimum wage was in my state, and then he said that he would be willing to pay me more than minimum wage if I tutored him in English. It was totally out of the blue, and at first I was a little uncomfortable with the idea, but I thought about it for a few days and then realized how cool it would be. We planned some things, like how much he would pay me, how he would pay me (through Paypal), when we would meet (on the weekends, during a time that worked well for both of us), and when we would start. It actually felt like I was actually about to do something, something that would be fulfilling and scary but also something I would learn from, and then--the weekend we were supposed to start, he postponed. Said he had a family thing. Okay, I thought. That's no big deal at all, perfectly understandable. Plus, I was injured, so it worked out for the best (more on that in a second.) He asked if we could postpone until the next week, and I said yes, of course. The weekend after? Didn't hear from him. This weekend? Didn't hear from him. I messaged him two days ago, asking him if he was all right and if he still wanted to do this. No response. So, I guess that's not happening either. I get that maybe he just lost nerve and decided he didn't want to do it anymore, and that's fine. I just wish he'd tell me.


So, as you guys can imagine, I'm just...frustrated. It's not like I'm not trying. I've been trying, and really hard at that. Trying to just...do something. Mix up my life a little. Do something so I can feel like I'm not just wasting my time. But I feel like I've run out of options. I've considered every little other thing, but it either 1. costs too much money 2. requires a second car, which our family doesn't have and also can't afford 3. is too far. I'm trying, and have tried, and I just don't know what I can do at this point. I've even looked into online jobs, but there are none that I've found that don't require a degree or a vast knowledge of HTML or CSS (which I know some HTML enough to manipulate codes, but not enough to make codes out of scratch flawlessly). So. I just don't know.

And on top of that, about three weeks ago, I ripped a muscle in my left pectoral (or rib, maybe) muscle. I don't know if any of you have ripped a muscle, but it was probably the worst pain I've ever felt, other than maybe breaking a bone (which I've never done before, thank God.). I still have no idea how I managed to do it, but for two whole weeks I couldn't reach above my shoulders, put too much weight on my left foot, breathe too deeply, or cough and sneeze without searing pain. I had to keep my rips wrapped too because--and this is graphic, I'm sorry--I could actually feel the torn muscle getting pinched between my ribs when I moved. Yeah. Ow. It got so bad at some point that my parents considered taking me to the ER, even though we don't have health insurance.

So I spent two whole weeks not being about to do anything about lay down flat on my back and not get up except for the bathroom and eating, when I would lean slightly up on a crapload of pillows. I couldn't even write because typing hurt, too.

Lately it's seemed to be healing up slowly, and even now if I lean over at a weird angle or slouch too much it starts hurting again. Let this be a testament to how out of shape I am. AND, lol, that's not me calling myself fat mind you (because I know I'm not fat), that's me acknowledging the fact that the 3 years I spend in online school, I sat in front of the computer for 8 hours everyday, and then outside of the 8 hours of school, I sat in front of the TV the rest of the time, or slept. No PE. No walking to classes. Hardly any walking at all, except to go downstairs to get food. I am really, scarily, out of shape. No one my age should be as out of shape as I am. 

Whatever I did to tear my muscle, it wasn't doing anything spectacularly athletic or rough, because I don't do anything like that. It was probably just some ordinary everyday movement, or something too heavy that I picked up too fast. Which is sad. Not boo hoo sad, just....plain sad.

So, I'm going to start exercising again. Going to start off easy, probably just some walking exercise times at first, just to make sure I don't push anything. But it's something that I need to start doing again. Those two weeks were miserable, I need to take better care of myself.

Wow, this entry is whiny. I feel like that's all I ever do on here, lol. Whiny whine whine. But I just had to get that off of my chest.

How about some other news? Not really big news, but news anyway. Not really good news, however.

Last night, I had a dream about Ricky Bobby.

It was actually the first one I'd had in a while, since the last one in April. But still, to have another one in the first place, it was kind of...troubling to say the least. Especially considering its nature. It was short, but pretty simple.

In the dream, I was...I don't know. Having a normal day? Going about my business, doing normal stuff. I don't know when it was, but apparently in this dream I had not checked my Facebook in a very, very long time. Okay, not that long. A month, maybe. But when I logged in, I immediately saw that I had 46 unread private messages, lol.

I didn't really express any shock at this, so I guess that sort of thing happened all the time. So I click to read them, and immediately I see that a few messages down, there is one from Ricky Bobby. It's untitled, and I guess in this dream, that thing were you can preview what the message says before you click on it doesn't exist, so I click on it, my heart in my throat and my hands shaking. Why was I so nervous in this dream? No idea. But with good reason, as you'll find out.

The message is long, a few paragraphs long, and the first thing I see written in the message is, 

'Sarah--

I've needed to tell you this for a long time...I love you. Completely and absolutely. Always have.' 

In the dream, as soon as I read this, my hands fly up to my throat, which is something I do when I'm overwhelmed, and my vision tunnels. I reply to the computer screen as if he can hear me, "I love you, too. I love you. I love you so much."

Then, as a second thought, I say to myself, "Oh my god. Rose has got to see this." So I go to take a screen shot, but then I realize that the whole message isn't showing, and I should scroll down to show the whole message, along with his picture right next to it. So I try to scroll down, but my computer has frozen up. That's crappy, right? (And actually so true to life. Happens at least 10 times a day.) 
So I wait for like 5 minutes for it to unfreeze, and it doesn't. So like I actually do all the time in real life, I slap my laptop hard to try to get it to work. The screen changes slightly, seizes up, and I slam my keyboard frustration. Suddenly, the computer unfreezes, and a window pops up on my computer screen, saying 'Message deleted'.

The dream ends with me staring at the computer with my mouth gaping open and my stomach sinking.

Hah. Great dream, right? Or should I say nightmare.

First of all, just the fact that it had to be Ricky Bobby with that sort of message at all. But then the fact that I returned the sentiment, and fervently. What the freaking hell, subconscious?? What the hell was that??

So as soon as I woke from that dream, thoroughly disturbed by it, the first thing I did this morning was log onto Facebook and block him on it. Extreme? Yeah, I admit it was. And totally irrational. But, I don't know man. That dream...after not having a dream like that about him in a while, it got to me so much that I needed to make absolutely sure that it it had no chance of actually happening. I mean, I know that there's already 100% zero chance of it happening already (pretty positive he has a girlfriend right now, someone he went to school with in Pennsylvania), but I needed to make it 10000% zero chance. That way, there is no way that he'll ever be able to contact me again, but this time, it's my choice completely. 

And while I was at it, I blocked Drew and Pre-RB as well. Also overboard, I know. But it felt damn good. The last thing I need right now is some stupid boys barging back in and complicating my life further.

Also, this Halloween, I dressed in this sort of gothy/visual kei costume, even though I had to throw it together with clothes from my closest. But I got to do heavy fancy goth makeup, so that was nice. I got lots of compliments!

So. That's been my life the past few months.

I'm going to keep trying to find a job, or something, but admittedly, since the holidays are coming up, I might postpone it until after Christmas. Maybe I'll have better luck then.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

 ps: Happy belated Halloween!

Labels: , , , , ,



present me past me