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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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And just when you thought she was gone...}
Sunday, February 13, 2011 | 9:20 PM | 0Comment

Hello, Internet! Long time no see.

I've since gotten over my cold since last entry, and after life decided to throw me down and kick me in the stomach, I've bounced back and I'm back to 100%!

...well at least I was, until I realized it was February. February. The bane of my mother effing existence.

And I'd pretty much handled it well up until today. You know, all the Valentine's Day sales ads, triple the amount of jewelry store commercials, so much pink and purple everywhere that it looks like an army of Carebears threw up. I was taking it surprisingly well up until now.

Today me and Best Friend Rose decided to do our Valentine's Day early, since the real V-day this year is on a Monday and it would be weird to try and do something after school. So as soon as I woke up this morning, I had breakfast and got dressed so I could go to Walgreens and get her gift. I picked out some gummy roses, a cute heart picture frame, and a Disney Princess card(it was Snow White, just an FYI.)

Right after that, me and Mom went to pick Rosie up so she could hang out for a few hours at my house. We had originally planned to have Ashley (Rosie's oldest sister) pick us up from my house to go see Burlesque at the dollar theater around 6, but we decided to go to the mall first before the movie. SO, we went to the mall around 4.

Now. I was dressed pretty casually, in a gray heart sweater and a high rise skirt (doesn't sound very casual, but for some reason skirts+tights/leggings have become the norm for me these days. Funny, because in Middle School I wouldn't touch a skirt with a 10-foot pole.) I also had very minimal makeup on, which I've been doing a lot more these days for no reason in particular, just because I guess. But I obviously wasn't looking for any attention (even just the word 'attention' gives me hives, okay.) I think that's part of the reason why this happened like it did.

Let me start from the beginning. So. We're at the mall. And by some insane twist of fate, we're there at the same time as one of Rose's exes, one of which their break-up did not go well at all. So after we spot him and his friend, we basically play the avoid-an-awkward-meeting-with-the-ex game and try to stay as far from them as possible. So while we were doing this, I suggest, 'Hey! Why don't we go into Hot Topic!' partly because I figure it wouldn't be his type of store, and partly because I haven't been there in forever, so we go in.

I'm oohing and ahhing over everything I see, and Rose trails me around the store patiently. I finally decide on a really cute headband with a huge sequined bow on it, and I go stand in line to pay. Totally normal. Right? I was perfectly fine. Until I got up to the register.

Why? Oh, nothing. Except register-guy is fine. Like, FOINE. And I very rarely use that term seriously.
Tall. Blonde hair with brown highlights, long and spiky. Lip ring. Totally hot. And it's weird because I thought I stopped being into that 'type' a while ago, but I mean, wow.

And I did okay at first. I did acknowledge that he was attractive, yes, but I held it together pretty well. He asked how it was going, quietly, and I responded with a 'fine' and reciprocated the question.

He gestured to the headband I was purchasing and asked if my fashion inspiration was Lady Gaga, and that he bet that I got compared to her a lot. I chuckled and said that he'd be surprised at how often I didn't get compared to her. Good so far, right? I had just the right amount of equal parts flirty and seemingly uninterested. I was doing good.

But then he asks, "So, are you in school?"

Somehow it feels like I've been found out. My resolve and confidence waver a little. "Uhm, yeah. I'm a junior." I almost say 'I'm a junior in high school', but don't want him thinking that I think he's dim, do I?

He nods like he hadn't expected that answer, but that he was cool with it. And I think about how hot his lip ring is. And then he says something else. But I totally don't even hear him because I'm ogling his lip ring.

And when I snap out of it and see him looking at me expectantly, I lose my cool. I mean, if I had any cool at all to begin with, I lost it. I lost all of it.
I suddenly get jittery and answer with the most generic answer, 'yeah', because one that could easily fit with any kind of question, although that's not necessarily a good thing. For all I know, he could of asked, 'So what do you think about airline food?' and 'Yeah!' isn't really a good answer for that.

And I could tell that 'yeah' didn't make sense with what he had asked me at all, because he just looks at me blankly, like he was maybe questioning himself if I was mentally retarded. So I scramble to cover up my mistake, and after a second of thought, I realize that he possibly could have asked which school I go to, which makes sense, right?

So, I speak again. "Well...uh...yeah....I uh....I used to go to her (pointing to Rosie, who's just staring at me from five feet away, probably listening to all of this happening with pity) school, but um...now I'm homeschooled...and...yeah..." I glance at his facial expression, which hasn't changed since I started talking, which I decide is probably bad, so I keep talking for some reason that I cannot even fathom. "It's uh...not that bad. Yeah...not as bad as people think it is...it's cool..." (Meanwhile he's probably confirming all of those rumors about homeschooled kids in his head right now.)

He just nods without saying anything--bless that man's soul for sparing me, because I was already embarrassed enough as it was--and he hands me my receipt and change, which I almost drop because my hands are shaking. He then hands me my headband because I very nearly forget it in a rush to get the hell out of there.

I take it, smile shakily and say as I turn around, 'Have a nice day', even though IT'S ALREADY NIGHT (though, bless his soul again, he said it back, probably to humor me), and I nearly walk straight into Best Friend Rose.

AND THEN I GOT THE HELL OUT OF THERE AND CURLED UP IN A BALL AND DIED THE END.

I have to say. This tops my record of embarrassing moments. In fact, I think this beats every one of my records, in the past and future, for the rest of my life.

I have never in my life been that nervous around a guy. Ever. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I've never been caught shamelessly ogling a guy while I'm supposed to be having a conversation with him. And maybe it also had something to do with my bad habit of zoning out while guys talk to me because I get too deep in my thoughts. (See entry Noodles and Butter Knives, Oct 2 of last year.)

Either way, it was my fault. Maybe this'll teach me once and for all to actually listen to guys when they talk, instead of creating a narrative in my head.

And so. After that, we went to go see the movie (which I loved, by the way), and I started to feel a little better again. Until I got home and started writing this entry. Hah.

At least I can take comfort in the fact that I'll most likely never see him again, especially since I live in a big city, and I never go to the mall.

And at least I can spend my usual Valentines Day (eating and watching sappy things while simultaneously hating every second of them) knowing that yes, I'm single, but at least I don't have to deal with any guy drama. I don't have to worry about why a guy didn't talk to me that day, or why he didn't text me, or why he doesn't like me. I can live my life without worrying about these things.

Here's to a decent Single Awareness Day, Internet. If you're taken, have a grand ol' time with your significant other, and if you're single like me, screw the romance, just have fun. (And don't talk about your homeschooling when nobody asks about it and don't say 'Have a nice day' when it's already nighttime.)

xo Hopeless Romantic

(PS: Plus, I get to spend a good part of my Valentine's Day writing a research paper. How's that for romance, hmm?)

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Secret #4.}
Saturday, January 29, 2011 | 1:45 PM | 0Comment

Something I'm starting to realize about myself is that I have trust issues.

Don't get me wrong, the people I'm closest with, like Best Friend Rose and my parents, I can trust them with my entire life. I know that they will always understand me and be there for me, and there's never a question in my mind that they would. It's just everyone else that I'm weird about.

I've come to realize that I'm one of those people that, if anything, prefers to be alone.

That's not to say that I hate everyone and society and so on. I don't hate leaving the house, I don't hate interacting with people. I just don't mind--and in some specific cases, I prefer--being alone.

I think this is because I'm an only child. I've always been used to the quiet and peaceful side of things, like being alone brings. And when I was a kid, that may have been a huge factor in my being extremely shy. I went to Pre-K in between Preschool and Kindergarten not because I had trouble learning, but because I was so shy.

And I'm definitely not even close as shy as I was before, but sometimes this comes back at the strangest times. Like during testing last year, when I had to go to a local meeting hall to take the tests with all the other online school kids in my area, it was the weirdest thing.

As soon as I showed up that first day, I just shut down. Not 'shut down' like bursting into tears or snapping or anything like that, but I just threw this HUGE wall up. I didn't look at anybody. I didn't smile once (except for at my English teacher) or talk to anybody. I brought my book for break times in-between tests, and during breaks, I went off to a seat in the corner of the room, shoved my book up to my nose and read in the corner by myself.

And I was surprised by my behavior myself, completely surprised, because I've never been that kind of person. Even as a kid, I would still walk up to someone and try to make a new friend. But this was something new entirely. I just folded into myself did everything I could to keep everyone out.

Thankfully, though, by the end of that day, me and this girl named Rene* started talking, by chance, and we hung out for the rest of testing. I still talk to her sometimes, she's cool (and she got kicked out of her last school for beating up the popular girl for teasing her. Not going to lie, I liked her a lot more after she told me that.)

But even in other situations, there are times where I'm near someone new and I'll just sit there, guarded, unfriendly. It's so unlike me, and I don't know where it comes from, but I can't control it.

I guess it's a defense mechanism. I think I'm afraid of being disappointed, so I decide that it would be easier to scare people off than to let them in and let them affect me. It's cowardly and selfish, but I don't know how to fix it.

And during the beginning of sophomore year, when I was still getting used to being in online school, there would be times where I would just be so sad. I'd get up in the morning and do my school work and go through the motions, and I would talk to my parents maybe 2 times the entire day, because I'd just stay in my room and stay inside myself and stare out the window and feel sorry for myself.

Pathetic? Yes. But I didn't know how else to handle it. I was just alone, alone alone, and I didn't know how to deal with it.

On one hand, I'm thankful for it because it took that for me to realize who my true friends were and who were just the people I saw everyday at school.
On the other hand, it took that for me to realize that I really had no life outside of school, and that friends from school were just that, friends from school.

Lately I've been doing much better with this whole trusting people thing, and mostly when I think of instances of stuff like this happening, it was in the past. I think it's gotten better because I'm a lot more secure in myself than I was.

I just have to remember that yes, the world can be scary, and there are bad people in this world, but there are good people too. And even when the good people royally screw up(they're only human after all) and they disappoint you, just get back up and move on. It'll still be okay.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(PS: Resolution #1 isn't going so well so far, but it's only because of unfortunate event after unfortunate event. Last weekend it was catch up work, and this weekend it's because of a nasty cold my dad gave to me (my first cold in two years! Karma caught up to me?) and a cold sore on my lip the size of Mt. Olympus. Writing this in bed as I speak. Gross colds are gross.)

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Jazz.}
Monday, January 10, 2011 | 4:51 PM | 0Comment

Internet, so far, my 2011 has been fine. Kind of busy, but fine.

This was this whole school mishap where my schedule was set up so I had two other finals last week for some reason. I had done some finals before break, like I had said, but I guess I had a few more for after break too. It's kind of hard to explain, sorry.
But long story short, I had a few more finals to do last week, and they were pretty brutal. Especially for having to do them right after break, a time when my brain turns to mush. For my Chemistry final, I was up until 11:30 finishing it, and while I didn't fail it, I didn't pass it with flying colors either. That was pretty upsetting, but I bounced back okay and did great on the rest of them, so I can't complain. Plus, for Chemistry, I had a B+ for the semester, so it's not like I failed the class. It's all good.

So, besides school, I've spent time with both Best Friend Rose and Jazz. Rosie's all better (yay!) and still madly in love with Gene. Have I talked about that here? I don't think I've talked about that on here!
WELL. Long story short AGAIN, Rosie and Gene were super close friends for like a year, then some deep stuff happened, a huge confession came out on Gene's part about two months ago, and now they're together! And they're pretty much the most amazing couple I've ever seen. Not all fake and flashing it around in people's faces, like what seems to be the popular thing to do with relationships in High School. They're best friends.

Every time I think about it, it makes me want to cry, because Rosie deserves it, and she's needed this for a long time now. Out of everyone I've ever met, if anyone were to deserve this, it would be her.
Plus, Gene is just freaking awesome, and we were all friends to begin with, so I'm very happy for them. Very very happy.

And as for Jazz, well. Things with her are...I don't know.
I actually had a sleepover with her the day before New Year's Eve, and things were just like normal and we had a movie marathon, and it was great. Until the next day.

But here's some catch up, Internet. Lately, little things about Jazz are bugging me. Not necessarily her, but things she does.
Example 1: She's one of those people that say things like, "We should hang out more!" or "I never see you anymore!" but they don't actually do anything to fix it. Normally that's okay, but when you're me, and you have only two best friends, and you don't have a license yet, one should usually just assume that you're not very busy. Right?
And Jazz is the exact opposite of that. She's the vice captain of this club, she has this practice every other day, she has to go to this meeting, she's volunteering for this every other weekend, she's hanging out with these people after school, she's going to so-and-so's house for some/multiple reasons, MY GOD. The woman has the busiest schedule I've ever seen. I mean, everyone has sport practices and previous plans, but at this level, it's impossible for me to know when she's free.
So when she says, "You should tell me when you want to hang out!" and then I do, and every time she says she's busy, I'm understandably going to get a bit irked at some point and just stop trying. And sometimes I feel that instead of being one of her best friends, I'm just an option at this point.

Example 2: She can be very condescending. Not in the immediately noticeable way, but in the subtle, back-handed comment kind of way. I don't know if she means to, but she is. For a few examples, sometimes when we have conversations, she'll act like I'm dumb. Sometimes when I talk, like I've said before, sometimes I mix up words, or pause while I'm talking to make sure I'm clearly portraying what I want to say. (That may come from my huge shy phase in Elementary school.) So when I do this while I talk to her, she'll get this exasperated/amused look on her face, like, 'Oh. Poor Sarah doesn't know what she's doing again.' And not just when we're talking either. When we're out in public, and I do something awkward (which, trust me, is inevitable.) she'll give me the same look, and she looks embarrassed to be around me.

And even though I'm nearly two years older than her (i.e., I turn 18 in March, and she's currently 16), she treats me like a child that can't do anything for themselves. This motherly aspect is part of her personality, and I appreciate the thought, but to be honest it's getting old. For example, she acts like just because I'm in online school now, it means that I'm this huge hermit who's withering away and getting gray hair and growing 2 foot long fingernails and doesn't remember what the sun looks like. At first I really appreciated her concern, and it was at a time when I still wasn't completely fine with the idea of online school, and I somewhat agreed with her. But now, about a year and a half later, it's annoying. A lot. I'm perfectly fine with everything now(I get out a TON more normally than I used to, say, this time last year), and I actually appreciate and enjoy being in online school now. And so all those comments like, "You need to get out of the house!" and "When was the last time you left the house? It's not healthy!" kind of make me want to punch her in the face. Just a little bit.

Example 3: I'm apparently guilty by association for still being friends with Johnny. Ever since her and Johnny 'officially' ended their friendship after their awkward break up, she acts like I'm 'one of them' now, like she doesn't even know me, like me and Johnny are like BFFs or something. Which doesn't even make sense because 1) I haven't even spoke to Johnny since the last football game and 2) he didn't even reply to my Merry Christmas text which was PRETTY RUDE, if you ask me. And if you ask me, someone who was your BFF would have answered your text or would have at LEAST been on your forward list.

So I don't know why she's all weird about it. And every time he comes up in conversation, so says something like, "Oh yeah, that's right, he's YOUR FRIEND," and then she changes the subject all quickly and weirdly, even though I was just fine with it.

And so. Even though when she came over, it was fun (although with the occasional back-handed comment, like when we were taking pictures and I asked her jokingly, 'Why is my face so awkward?' and she replied completely straight-faced, 'Your face isn't THAT awkward.' Gee. Thanks.), the next day, on New Year's Eve, there was a HUGE snowstorm where I live. It snowed the entire day, and all the roads were ridiculous, so Jazz said that she'd probably just end up staying for another night because of the roads. I was really happy about it, and I told her a few times how excited I was that I'd get to spent New Years with her, especially since last year I spent it alone, and she seemed pretty excited about it too.

Then, out of nowhere, she just says, "Well, my dad will be here soon." Um. Okay? I waited for a "Sorry, he just wants me to be home," or a "I wish I could stay. Sorry!", but there wasn't one. Not explanation at all.

And that happening after I got all excited about doing New Years with her and telling her how excited I was about it more than once, I felt more than a little disappointed.
But that's not even the worst part.

Some time after she left, I found out that she went right from my house to someone else's house for New Years.

And the girl who's house she went to? She bugs the crap out of Jazz. And yet she would have rather left my house in a blizzard to travel to this chick's house for New Years than to stay with me.
I would have been fine with it if she had told me outright that she had previous plans, but the way she did it, it felt like a slap in the face.

So, yeah. I don't know. Jazz can be a really good friend sometimes, and other times she does stuff like this, and I wonder why I even put up with it. But I guess I'll just see.

Despite all of this, 2011 has been pretty good so far (if you don't count my Chem final madness). Tell me, Internet. How has yours been thus far?

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Adios, 2010.}
Friday, December 31, 2010 | 10:53 PM | 0Comment

Well, Internet. 2010 was an interesting year.

Thinking back, there was was a lot of Ricky Bobby (before and after he moved back), fun times, not-so-fun times, and a lot of fangirling (being both a Tokio Hotel fan and a member of various k-pop group fandoms is hard work, I'm telling you.)

I also think of growth when I think of 2010. I changed a lot, for the better. There were some tough spots, but altogether, 2010 was so worth it. It's hard to believe it's just over.

So, I'm going to do what I didn't do last year. I'm actually going to write my resolutions for 2011, right here right now. I don't know why, Internet, but I swear I have this overwhelming feeling about 2011. I feel like it's going to be big, and in a really good way. I'm not going to have a rut of a life anymore, I swear it, and I'm so ready for it.
Are you ready for this? Stay with me here, Internet. Some of these aren't your normal everyday resolutions, but trust me when I say that I wouldn't put them here if I wasn't at least going to try.

  1. Get out of the house every week. (Me and my parents made a pact, that they would try to at least get me out once a week. Last year this time, I hardly ever left the house, and I couldn't help but get a little claustrophobic. I'll make sure that won't happen.)
  2. Stop being awkward. Like, now. (I was plenty awkward with people before the whole online-school thing, but now, it's like it magnified. It's not too bad, but sometimes I get this weird-sounding nervous laugh, or I'll mix up words, or I'll say something out loud, and I think, 'What the hell did I just say?' I'm really not as witty as I sound over type, Internatz. Believe it.)
  3. Better hygiene. (Not that I'm terrible at hygiene now, but I'm talking about all the extra stuff, like flossing twice a day and keeping my nails neat and all that jazz. And more hygiene=more attractive! Yay!)
  4. Finish my current book. (What?! Out of nowhere?! Silly internet. I've written plenty of stories before this one, but this one just feels...different. I have a really good feeling about it. Pretty vague, I know, but stay with me.)
  5. Join a critique group. (One on one of those writing forums or writing websites, and it's for after I finish my story, of course. Because...)
  6. Get a literary agent. (WHOA, WHOA. Okay. I know this is insane, and foolish and naive and etcetera, etcetera. I know!! BUT. I've given this a lot of thought and research. I haven't exactly gone into how important writing is to me on here, but trust me when I say it's pretty much my life. It's the only thing I can really look at and say, 'Wow, I'm actually good at that.' It's the only thing that I feel like will always be a part of me. And I know what you're thinking. 'Why now? Why not wait until you're out of college, until you really know what you want? You're just a kid!' And I can't deny that that makes much more sense. But there's a reason I'm in online school right now, instead of normal school. And there's a reason why I haven't had a boyfriend yet. My life couldn't be more open to this opportunity than it is now. During college, it would be even harder to pursue, due to classes and what have you. And after college, who knows what else could stand in-between me and my dream? What if I meet someone by then, and get married and start a family? When would I have the time then? Maybe this is fate's way of telling me to go for it, now. Why not? I know it won't be easy. It sure as all won't. I'll get discouraged and want to quit and I'll cry and get rejected 492483 times. But I don't care. I owe it to myself to try. And at least that way, I won't have any regrets of not trying at all.)
  7. Do my best in school. (I know, it's random that I'd put this one after such a strange resolution as the last one. But I want this one every year, so why not this year too?)
  8. And the last, most simple one: Protect my heart. (Now that the whole Ricky Bobby thing has finally and officially kicked the bucket, knowing myself, I'll be looking around again, since it's in my nature for some reason. But since I'm taking this new direction in my life, I might be really busy with all the other stuff going on. And I won't have time for a boyfriend, and I suspect that at that point, I probably won't even want one! But if another guy happens to catch my eye this year, I'm going to be cautious. I won't make myself too vulnerable, I won't get my hopes up. And if the guys worth it, he'll be able/willing to break through all that.)
So here's a toast to 2011, Internet. Here's to (good) change, more improvements, and (hopefully) achievements.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Christmahanakwanzika.}
Friday, December 24, 2010 | 7:19 PM | 0Comment

Internet, handling Porscha is going easier than I thought it would be.

....and I only say that, because she never even showed up here. Hah. We never heard any reason why, she just never showed up and didn't bother to call until yesterday just to tell us that she wasn't coming, and nothing more than that. No offered explanation or excuse.

And on one hand, I'm kind of relieved, because all of the stuff I was worried about in the first place won't have to happen. I have a feeling that she made all of it up in the first place just so she could mooch, and then when she found out that me and Mom weren't exactly welcoming of the idea, she backed out.

But on the other hand, I feel kind of sad too. This would be the first Christmas that Porscha would have the chance to spend the entire day with all of her kids, but I suppose that was too much to handle for her. After all, there were probably some X-Mas parties she had to be at. Anything for free booze, right?

So, yeah, I'm not really sure how I feel about that. But at least we'll have the relaxed, quiet Christmas that we have every year.

Today, I braved stores with Mom, and we went last-minute Christmas shopping for my friends. I smiled and said Merry Christmas to every cashier we encountered on the way, because that's one of my favorite parts of this time of year. You never know whose day you can make with just one smile and a thoughtful few words.
One of them was a lady who worked at the dollar store, and she didn't look happy at all to be working. And so after she bagged our things, I turned to her and said with a smile, "Thank you. Merry Christmas." And she paused for a second, like I kind of surprised her, and then she said very seriously, "Merry Christmas to you too."

I got Best Friend Rose a zebra print stocking, because she'd never had one before (I know, right?? I just HAD to get her one, how do you not have a stocking for Christmas?), and I got her two cool hair care products because I'm a hair care freak now. I also got her her favorite color nail polish, and a top coat.
Then, I got Jazz Christmas-colored gum balls, two lime green bracelets(her favorite color), and two facial products(being one container of a mint mask and one container of an oatmeal & honey mask), and a partridge in a pear tree. Good thing I only have two really close friends, or I'd be flat-out broke right now. Haha.

I delivered them both their presents in person, even though Rose has a super bad case of pneumonia at the moment and I couldn't get too close (I feel awful that she has to be sick for Christmas, but she's gotten some antibiotics, and she's been feeling a little better!)

(Warning: Holiday corniness ahead.)
I also played with my precious little boy of a cousin, who's currently teething, so he'll chew on anything he gets his hands on, even his own hands.
And I watched the Winnie the Pooh Christmas special with Nikki (*see last entry for reference) and played my k-pop Christmas CD to death(actually, it's on repeat as I type this.) and having a fun allergic reaction to Chex Mix with nuts that my mom received from a lady at her work (long story, and I'm fine now but drugged up on Benadryl, and I can hardly keep my eyes uncrossed.) And I may eat my way through cookies into a sugar coma by the end of tomorrow, but hey, 'tis the season, right?

This year was tighter for us financially, but I'm just glad for my family and the things we do have. And I'm not just saying that to say it, like some people do. Things could be awful right now, and I could be having the worst holiday ever, but I'm not. And that's really all I could ask for.

And Internet, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to every single one of you. I wish you safety and blessings, from the bottom of my heart.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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A Hopeless Romantic Christmas Carol (sort of, but not really).}
Tuesday, December 21, 2010 | 7:42 PM | 0Comment

Internet, tell me. When you're faced with a tough situation during the holidays, what do you do?

I'll delve into that in a second, but first: finals.
I tend to go a bit crazy with studying during semester-end finals. And by crazy, I mean borderline reclusive/studying through meals/even sacrificing sleep if I have to, crazy. And this time was no different.
Buuuut, I nailed all of my tests, so it was worth it. And all of that resulted in me pretty much collapsing the whole weekend in relief and exhaustion.

So, after my weekend of recovering/reestablishing communication with the outside world, me and Mom really got to start all our Christmas stuff (including watching cheesy overplayed made-for-TV Christmas specials and making Christmas candy and cookies and me licking the bowl clean of leftover cookie dough. So unhealthy, so good.) And it's been super awesome and fun so far.

But. Then came tonight.

After decorating said cookies, which we made yesterday, and after watching one of the many TV-movie versions of A Christmas Carol, my dad and my grandma (meaning his mom, and she lives with us) started walking back and forth between the garage and the basement, and they were talking in low voices. They seemed to be concerned about something, and I wondered what it was, but me and mom decided not to ask just yet.

Then, dad finally came in and sat down with his super-worried/dreading our reactions face on. Now I was was dreading what it was. And then he came out and told us: My cousin Porscha was going to be our house guest until after Christmas.

Let me give you some important background information on Porscha, Internet. (Let me warn you, this is long and very complicated. Stay with me here.)

Porscha is pretty much the black sheep of my dad's side of the family. Now let me explain why. Porscha is not related to me by blood. She, and her brother, were adopted by my grandmother when they were six years old, from a foster home.
Porscha gave birth to her first child, my 8 year old cousin Nikki*, when she was 17 years old. My age now. And after Porscha birthed Nikki, she predictably dropped out of High School. Big surprise there, right? But after dropping out, my grandmother (or in this case, her adoptive mother) decided to help her take care of baby Nikki so that Porscha could go back and finish High School so she could make something of her life for her child.

And this was amazing of my grandmother. Completely awesome. Except for Porscha never went back to school, and to date, the longest she's kept a job was 6 months (not because she gets fired. Oh no. She quits because they're 'too hard'. We're talking jobs at department stores, waitress jobs, not rocket science. Not to mention all the training schools for jobs that she quit early, including beautician school and dental assistant school.) And my grandma kept taking care of Nikki, with the occasional visit to her real mom, but my grandma is pretty much her mother.

Porscha was never ever there for Nikki. Never took her to school, never took care of her when she was sick, never held her when she had her night terrors and she woke up crying.
And 8 years and 2 more kids later, it's still the same. All of her kids are from different fathers.

Over the years since she dropped out of High School, she's gotten arrested for stealing at least 5 times, done every drug you can think of, been a stripper--and I'm not sure we've officially confirmed this, but she's also possibly been a prostitute--, been in 3 abusive relationships, including one where the dude broke her jaw and she had to have it wired shut, and she's had to stay at grandma's house (before grandma moved in with us) because she couldn't pay her utilities/had a bad hangover/had to hide from somebody. She's pretty much the poster girl for high school dropouts.
Her other two kids are two and 6 months old, and the first time the 6 month old ever came to our house so grandma could watch him was a week after he was born. One week old and his mother handed him over to grandma. He and the two year old stay at our house for 1-2 weeks at a time, and usually after a week, they're back here again. They're here so often that we keep toddler toys/a baby bed and highchair for when they're here.

And so. This 25 year old woman, this person whom I refuse to even call my cousin, is going to live in our house until after xmas--possibly New Year's. Why? Because she's having her life threatened(she gets in fights a lot), and the police don't want her and 'her kids' staying at her house. She doesn't have friends she can stay with, and she doesn't have money, so she can't stay in a hotel, so she has to stay here.

I had even had a conversation about Porscha earlier today with my dad. It all had to do with the fact that I lost my respect for her a long, long time ago and I absolutely hate what she's doing to 'her kids'. I love my baby cousins with all of my heart, and whenever I think about how they had to be born to such a horrible predicament, to such a distant and irresponsible mother, it makes me want to cry. I hate it.

And so when I heard this news, I reacted a lot stronger than I thought I would. My heart sped up and I was shaking. My first response was, "No. I don't want her here."
All I could think about was how much I hate her, and how this was supposed to be our Christmas and just ours, and she was going to come in and ruin it all.

I'm one of those sentimental folks that has Christmas up on this sort of pedestal. Christmas magic, Christmas miracles, Christmas spirit. I'm also guilty of thinking those pedestal-type thoughts, like, 'Nothing bad can happen! It's Christmas! It'll be perfect! Rudolph always guides Santa's sleigh, Frosty always returns, every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings!' And being an only child, I'm so used to quiet, private Christmases.

And all this is what immediately leads me to think this way. Porscha couldn't barge into our xmas. Christmas is for family, and she's not family. Christmas is about happiness, and she would ruin mine. And I continued my bratty temper tantrum and had a fit of frustrated crying, saying, "I don't want her here!" and "Why can't she stay somewhere else?" even though I knew exactly why.

Then ten minutes later, when I calmed down some, I decided to text Rosie and complain more. Best Friend Rose has heard plenty of Porscha rants from me, but even this rant of mine surprised her. In one part of a text, she said, "I don't think you hate her, you just hate everything she's done. Sure she's a disappointment, but she's still family. She just barged in on your family's time, but no one deserves to be alone or at a hotel on Christmas." And it was so true that I sat and read it 6 times through.

I knew that I was being super high maintenance and bratty and selfish. I just couldn't get past the big fat flashing sign that said INTRUDER in my head. I couldn't get past all the crap she's done, and how she's the one person on this Earth that I judge with such scorn (okay, and maybe Phil too).

But maybe this is my own personal Christmas special. Maybe this is my chance at having true Christmas spirit: giving to others. Even if I don't particularly like it. Even if I don't particularly like them, especially if they're family.

This isn't about me. There's more going on in the bigger picture. My cousin is virtually homeless right now, and she has nowhere else to go. In reality, no one deserves that, especially during Christmas time. She needs a home right now, and we're going to share ours.

So, this sure won't be easy. But I'm a big girl, and I need to suck it up and be mature about it.

And just because this xmas won't be like we planned, it doesn't mean it'll suck. Maybe it could turn out even better this year.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Dodged that bullet.}
Sunday, December 12, 2010 | 9:26 PM | 0Comment

Internet!

I have good news. Phil's status WASN'T about me! He quickly made sure to shoot down all the people who commented, saying, "No!! It's NOT Sarah! She's Mexican, actually."
Relief, right?

Buuut, before we celebrate, there was one more thing.
He had another status about a week and a half ago, that said this: "Thinking about her ;)". And I'm 100% positive it's NOT me this time. BUT.
I started stalking the comments, and there's a whole bunch of them underneath, but a few that caught my attention were these, among a conversation about hot this girl he was thinking about was:

Burrito (see October entries for reference, more specifically, 'Noodles and Butter Knives'): Sounds hot
Phil: Ya she is hot like sarah
Burrito: Well how hot do you think she is?

And then no answer. Might've been an inside joke kinda thing, and I'm being overly paranoid, but...yeah. So...maybe this is a win, and maybe it isn't?
Who knows. But at least it ended up being nothing and I can continue on not blogging about him anymore. Let's hope, right?

So, in other non-Phil news, lately I've been thinking about something. And it's something that I notice every holiday season, but I'm just now realizing it again now.

Christmas couples are freaking annoying.

I'm not talking about couples that have been and were already together before the holiday season. No no. I'm talking about those obnoxious people that only start dating someone they think they like because they don't want to be single for Christmas. The ones that flaunt it all over Facebook and take 6839375 kissing pictures of them and their 'lover' (for the moment) and only post their status updates about how wonderful it is to have a boyfriend/girlfriend and OH MY GOD MY BOYFRAN GOT ME THIS FOR CHRISTMAS AND OMGGG I LUB HIM SOOOO MUCH. EVERY KISS BEGINS WITH KAY.

Shut up. Just. Shut up. I want to punch them all in the face.

And this isn't just the single/bitter/forever alone/cat lady in me speaking, this is just me in general. It's driving me insane. EVERYDAY on Facebook, I'm seeing a new 'So-and-so is in a relationship' and its getting super old.

I mean, come on. We all know that the majority of these Christmas couples are going to be gone by the second week of January. Or, even worse, they'll force it until Valentine's Day, and then break up two days afterward.

And I know people hate being single during the holidays, trust me, I totally get that (been single every Christmas of my life thus far), but to try and fool yourself (or the person you're 'dating', or everyone else for that matter) into thinking that you're really in that relationship because you want to be with them, and not because you don't want to be single for the Holidays?

Come on. That's bordering on ridiculous. And yet tons of people do it. I'll never understand it.

Anyway. My Thanksgiving was great, no drama or stress, just family and food comas, just like I like it. And I'm super excited about Christmas, just like I am every year.
Absolutely no Ricky Bobby news or ramblings this entry, aren't you proud of me, Internetz? Getting better and better lately, and honestly, I couldn't be happier.
This week is finals week, and I'm already looking forward to it being over, but who doesn't? I've already studied myself half to death, and it's not even Monday yet.

Wish me luck, Internet? I'll need it.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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