♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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By the way...}
Monday, January 9, 2012 | 12:52 PM | 2Comment

I'm thinking of nixing the super small font. Sure, it helps compact when I write whole novellas for posts, but I'm getting blinder and blinder and it's getting hard for even me to read it now. (Though that may just be my vision getting worse in general. Did I mention I was 60/20 in May 2010? Yeah. I know.) Plus, then you guys wouldn't need magnifying glasses to read my blog. Hahaha.

So, yes? No? Or is it just my near-sightedness getting to me?

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School, school, and uh. Oh yeah. SCHOOL.}
| 10:50 AM | 2Comment

Internet, right now, I'm in the midst of my final exam week. (Yeah, after my Winter break. I know. Weird online school thing, I guess.)


Also, I'm in the midst of trying to catch up with my AP Lit lessons by the end of this week, aka the official end of the First Semester, which is never gonna happen, tbqh. Here's how that basically happened:

So. The day I started AP Lit, I immediately began panicking about it. The DAY OF. And it was because the first day of the class, we had to read the class expectations and requirements. And I flipped out. Something inside me just knew right away that I had gotten in over my head. This was the first AP class I've ever taken, and I had expected it to be harder. I just didn't realize how much harder.

But I continued the lessons. Some of it I didn't like, but some of it I surprisingly did like. I liked that all of my fellow classmates sounded smart, like me, and that I didn't have to dumb myself down for class discussions. (Virtual discussions, pretty cool. They're sort of like little forums, people make their own individual 'topics' and then everyone goes into the different topics and...well. Discusses. Pretty fun, actually. And considering I've been visiting online forums since the 2nd grade, I really liked it.) I also liked--at first--the slightly more challenging nature of the topics covered and discussed.

But. By the time I'd started our Odyssey unit, I was done for. This was like, what, our third unit? But I was already sick of all of it. The two units we'd already gone through, we had already had a few essay assignments, and each and every time, I would worry myself sick over them. I was constantly thinking of how I was in an advanced class now, and that the same old crap I wrote for my old English classes wouldn't cut it.

My emotional breakdown in October should've been my turning point. I should have realized then that I'd reached my breaking point. I should have done something then.

I was constantly worrying about HOW I could write better, WHEN can I finish this, WHAT will my teacher think if I fail, etc etc etc. So by the Odyssey unit, I just...shut down.

I completely just...stopped. Everything. It was like my mind had overloaded, and I couldn't stand to read anything. I didn't even want to look at books. I couldn't write, I physically couldn't write. I couldn't write anything. That's why when you look past on my past entries before December, they're basically nothing. The end of October, and all through November, I was stuck. Forcing myself to write then was like cutting a vein open. It was painful.

And it's not like I've never gotten writer's block before. I have, and plenty of times. But this time it was terrifying because I needed to write for school, for this class, and I just...I couldn't. It felt like if I started typing, I'd throw up or black out or have a panic attack, or something. It was literally like I hated writing all of a sudden. And that's never happened to me before.

So when Winter Break finally came, and I began to come to my senses again, I realized what I'd done. I was half a semester late in my class, and it was entirely, 100% my fault. I'd let my fear get to me, and I couldn't even function.

After my last final, I'm going to do some more catch up work. I'd already done some last week, but it wasn't that much, compared to the amount left. The thing that sucks the most about AP is the workload. I only have 13 lessons to catch up on, but dammit. Each lesson has nearly about a week's worth of work for each one, not to mention the two research papers ahead of me. Two research papers in a week. Mhmm, yeah. That'll work out just peachy.

I'm not a quitter, but I like to think that I'm a realist. I'm not going to finish this work in time. And even if I did finish all the work by Friday at 10PM, I would still have the final left. And if I didn't even do the final, I would fail anyway, and all of my hard work would have been for nothing. So honestly, I don't see the point.

I won't give up yet. I'm still going to do my best to catch up, but if I fail, at least I'll know I tried.

I'm so angry with myself for letting this happen. I let myself down immensely, and not only that, but I feel like I've let everyone else down, too. I even sent a long apology email to my teacher, because I felt I needed to let her know that I take full responsibility for my failing her class, and that I needed to apologize for wasting her time. She accepted my apology with grace and even let me know she was sorry that I was struggling, and encouraged me not to give up just yet. Such a nice lady. Crazy to think that I was scared of her for four months.

If I'd just asked for help earlier, I'm sure she would've done her best to help me then. Why did I resort to running?

It was a shitty thing that I did, especially for my Senior Year, but I suppose it wouldn't be High School if I didn't royally fuck something up once a year. (Profane sentence is profane.)

But I intend on making up for it. I plan on switching out of AP and getting into English 12 instead. Then, I'll take two semesters of English 12 at the same time so I can make up for the credit I failed to get for AP. Crazy, yes, but I've done crazier. Plus, I almost can guarantee that two semesters of workload for English 12 at the same time will still be easier than AP Lit. Seriously. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. I just want to enjoy English class again.

So, speaking of finals, I'm finishing up reviewing for my last one as we speak. My Stats final. And I've come to this conclusion.

My math teacher sucks.

I've actually had him for a teacher 3 times consecutively. I had him during Sophomore year for semester one of Geometry. Then, I had him for semester one of Algebra II. First semester of Geometry? Failed. They switched teachers for me the second time around of semester one Geometry, this time a nice lady teacher. Passed with a B.

First semester of Algebra II? Passed, but barely, and I mean barely. Completely bombed the whole semester up until the final, stayed up three nights in a row studying hard to pass the final, and my final exam grade saved my whole grade. I had another teacher for semester two again, and did swimmingly until that whole exam fiasco that went down.

Anyway, in summary: Other teachers + me + Math = Pass. This teacher + me + Math = Fail. Epically.


Maybe it's just because his teaching methods don't mesh well with the way I learn. Maybe it's something else. But I was just not destined to be in this man's math classes. Period.

It's too bad. He seems like a nice guy, in fact he was the teacher that worked out that Algebra II final retake much earlier this year, and I think I'll be eternally grateful to him for that. But his classes? Hmm. I don't know, I just don't know.

This semester I have a C in Stats so far, which means that if I bomb this final I'll have to do the whole double-semester thing with another class if I want to graduate in June. Which would suck ass, obviously. And so would not graduating. That too.

So. As you could probably guess, all of this has put monumental stress on me. Last Wednesday, I even developed a rash all over me. My mom (a nurse) figured out that it's not from allergies, and it's not from a virus. It's a stress rash. Like my body is physically rejecting all of this pressure. Not cool.

Dammit. Nobody ever told me Senior year would be this difficult. Perhaps this is my reaction to Senioritis? I'm getting the sinking feeling that this week will be the week from hell.

In other news, Feli! I saw your comment, and I'd be happy to write a bit about that. After reading all of this post thus far, you probably get that I'm not the best person to ask this (lol) but, here we go anyway!

How do I focus on my classwork/homework? Mostly, I just have to sit my deriere into my chair in the morning, shake the sleep off, and do it. I realized that I have to make a conscious effort to focus, or I won't. Like, if I just sit there and stare at the screen and wait for the focus to come to me, it won't. And I usually if I'm waiting for the focus, I start focusing on something else.

Like daydreaming. Oh, dear God. I'm one of those people that would just lay around living in their own head, if they could. I could think of every scenario in the world, just sitting and staring for hours. The world is so interesting in there. I could just live in my fantasies and dream worlds and never have to face the real world. This is why I write, because my over-active imagination leaks into my real world too easily if I don't. It's how I keep myself sane, basically.

Anywho, I just have to make myself focus. And usually with the harder subjects, it's definitely much harder. Usually what I'll do is I'll read out loud. Reading out loud helps my reading comprehension when I learn things. I'm telling you. Reading comprehension = easier learning. I promise. And then, when that doesn't work, that usually means that I need a break.

Leave the room for like fifteen minutes, go do a quick 15 minute workout, or go fix a healthy snack. I know it sounds like I'm promoting weight loss or something, haha, but I swear it really does help! Once I eat healthier again (I lapse out of it every once in a while, who doesn't?), and I start working out (not even going to the gym! I hate gyms. I just do these little 10 minute video workouts on my workout mat, so easy. Go Youtube 10 minute workout videos, so many of them! And even when I feel like I don't have time for that, instead I jog in place for a while, or do some sit ups, or run up and down the stairs, etc.) it helps my head be clearer. I'm not even an athletic person--at all, really--but whenever I live healthier, I feel so much better, and when I'm healthier, schoolwork always seems easier to me.

So, my advice to you: just sit down, clear your head, and read aloud. And when it becomes too much, take a quick yoga break, or Cheerio break, or whatever. Take a deep break, and work through it one step at a time. I know sometimes hard work seems impossible, but just chill. Take your time. And if you need help with something, please. I beg of you. Don't wait until you're absolutely buried under stress and fear, like I did. Ask for help. Ask your teacher, or a good friend, or even a parent. I know how it feels to feel inferior because you don't understand something. I handled it the wrong way. Trust me. Ask for help.

And then when you're finished with it all, you can do this: http://youtu.be/MdN0NXgjsn8

Hope I helped a little bit!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be re-applying my calamine lotion and studying for this final that I absolutely cannot fail. Ahem.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Dear 2011 era Sarah:}
Sunday, January 1, 2012 | 9:20 PM | 3Comment

Well. 2011 was a helluva year, wasn't it?

For you, it meant a year of firsts, and also one of some hardship.

First of all, there was Drew. Your first...um. Date? Yeah, let's call him that. The boy you went on your first date with. And even though the date goes well according to your experience (which admittedly isn't saying much at all), Drew stops texting you.

In fact, he stops showing any sign of interest, at all. But it's okay, because you bounced back from it quick, and you end up learning from it. The whole Drew situation was basically the first time a boy had shown any interest in you for a while, and it was a good lesson.

It showed you that, yes, there will be boys out there that will show you interest, so there's no need to stress about it. Everyday out there, there is some guy interested in some girl. It really happens. Always. And one of these days, you'll see it happen again for you. You won't see it coming, and you can't force it, but it will happen. Just wait. When it does, you'll realize you had nothing to worry about.

Also in 2011, you had a Summer full of fun and awesomeness, and it will probably be a Summer you'll remember for a while. What can get better than that?

Unfortunately, you had quite a few hard times this year, too.

The realization of the end of high school began to close in on you, and you started to panic. You started to panic about the huge changes coming your way. Applying for college. Going to college. Leaving home. Getting a job.

Change is scary. I know, I get it. But there's no use worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. In your mind, the future is huge and dark and terrifying. But guess what? When it actually happens, it probably won't be nearly as bad as you anticipated. You always worry. About everything. Always making anthills into mountains. Why?

Some huge education trials did their number on you this year, too. There was that huge final situation at the end of your Junior year, and then there was the first semester of your Senior year, when you got behind in your AP class. You know why these things happened in the first place?

You.

You always put pressure on yourself. Always trying to be perfect, always pressuring yourself to be flawless, and in the end it destroys your resolve. You shut down. A monumental wave of fear envelopes you, keeps you from doing anything at all, drowns you in a pool of self-loathing. Why are you so afraid to fail? It's okay to fail. Even the very best at what they do have failed.

You don't have to be perfect, Sarah. It's okay.

So, let's promise each other this: 2012 will be the year of action.

Action to actually start loving yourself all the time, instead of when it's easy to. Action to bring to pass what you want instead of just wishing for it. Action to do what you're afraid to do, because standing around and worrying about it will just bring you more pain in the end. Action to do your best, whatever that may be, not to be perfect.

2011 was tough. Some of it did quite a number on you. But get up, brush the dust off your clothes. Take a deep breath. Breathe out. It's a new year, a new start. Don't make last year's mistakes again. Start over. And together, we'll kick some ass.

Let's do this.

xo Hopeless Romantic (aka 2012 era Sarah!)

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OKCupid Update}
Wednesday, December 21, 2011 | 11:03 AM | 2Comment

So, the reason I haven't written about my OKCupid experiences in a while is because...well. I've had none. Haha.

And the reason I've had none is just because I've become very disenchanted by it as of late. I don't really take it as seriously as I used to (which isn't really saying a lot, because I didn't really take it seriously to begin with). I haven't replied to anybody on there in about two months now, and the last guy I talked to I wasn't that interested in talking to anyway.

BUT. I'd be lying if I said that the whole Drew thing didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth, even months and months later.

He was my first impression of online dating as a legal adult, and to be frank, it wasn't exactly a good impression. It also led me to think that perhaps online dating isn't my thing. The biggest problem with Drew and I was that all we did before we met was text. And before we texted, all we did was message each other on OKC. And that's all.

I've heard of people going to meet the people they talk to online in person right away, so they have a better grasp of who they're getting to know. And that was the problem with Drew and I. We met in person an entire month after we started talking, an entire month after talking almost every single day, conversations in which we already began forming expectations and opinions of one another before we'd even stood face-to-face.

I think even talking on the phone or Skyping (hypothetically speaking of course, considering I don't even have a webcam) would have helped with that a little bit. But we didn't do that. We only texted. And it's not that I'm purposely a completely different person over text, because I'm sure he didn't do it purposely either. But it's very hard to truly know someone through typed words on a screen.
Even if a person is 100% themselves online or over text, you probably still don't know their exact sense of humor. You probably don't know what kind of jokes they don't like. You don't know the faces they make while they talk to you about something sad, or about something serious, the kinds of things that annoy them slightly or even the way they sneeze or how they act in the morning before their morning coffee.

I thought I knew Drew, but the moment I first saw him in that bookstore, it occurred to me that I was walking up to a total stranger.
And that's why I feel like online dating isn't for me. For me to like like someone, I have to know them in a platonic way first. That's why it was so easy for me to get a crush on someone at my old school. I saw them everyday and knew them reasonably well, because I went to a private school and everyone was familiar to everyone. Even if I'm not particularly good friends with a person, if I feel like I've taken enough time to get to know them, then I can develop that crush.

But with online dating, it's already called 'online dating' to begin with. Actually, just dating, in general. Someone hits on you, tells you plainly that they're interested. That's great, but the expectations of finding someone to be in a relationship are already there, and so it sort of feels like...I don't know. Like hunting, or something. Find the best person with the most potential, hunt them down and claim their attention, and then...what? Hope for the best? And then if it doesn't even come close to working out, cross your fingers for the next potential mate, and if not that one, then the next one? What's so great about that? Sounds like a job, or something.

So. Personally, the idea of 'dating' sounds tedious. I'd much rather meet someone, become friends with them, and then if I start to see them that way, develop feelings for them on my own time. No expectations, no pre-set goals or obligations. Just to let it happen. That sounds like the best thing to me.

So despite Drew leaving me a crappy impression of this online dating thing, I haven't deleted my OKC account. I still have it, and log on from time to time to read any messages I've gotten. Like I said before, I haven't replied to any in a good while, and the one that I did (yeah. Literally. One.) was nice and all, but I didn't find it terribly interesting.

However, there was one that I received two days ago that I found interesting.

"Hey Sarah! Your mischievous smile is awesome! I am a book nerd and a band geek/nerd. (Note: if you're wondering, that was in response to one section of my profile where I say if you were any sort of nerd, I'm interested in talking to you. Haha. This is me we're talking about, here. Nerds are my people.)
I know I'm probably out of your age range, but I saw that it said you were just interested in friendly chatter so I thought it would be ok to say hiiiii.
You should be proud of your maturity. I have to say, I'm impressed with your writing skills. I'm an English teacher, and I can tell you that your level of writing skill is very uncommon in high schoolers. Good for you."


Okay. First off, I had no idea I smiled mischievously. Second off, he's only 25. Which, objectively, isn't old. It's actually pretty young. And after some urging from Best Friend Rose, I went to his profile and read it, and looked at his pictures.

He..............is................hot.

So hot that at the first picture I saw of him close up, my entire face turned red. Yes. That hot.

But...............................HE'S A TEACHER.

I'm still a senior in high school. And admittedly, I won't be able to look at any teachers in any other way besides being a teacher until I'm out of high school. And even though I'm in online school, and I even have to talk to my teachers on the phone, they're still teachers.

And for God's sake, my English teacher last year was only 26!!

I'll admit, I am a Pretty Little Liars fan. And not even gonna lie, I love the Ezra and Aria storyline. As forbidden as it is, they're so adorable together. And he's really hot. And to be fair, she started dating him before he even became her English teacher, so I still support it (yes, I'm aware I'm talking about fictional characters like they're real people. Happens to me a lot, actually.)

But dammit, this is real life! English Teacher...he's smoking hot. English teachers should not be that hot.

Because! He's a teacher, a teacher!!

A TEACHER.

Not my teacher. BUT SOMEONE'S TEACHER. HE STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS AND TEACHES THEM THINGS AND GIVES THEM HOMEWORK.

No no no no no. I can't...no. I can't do this. I just...I CAN'T DO THIS. If he had any other profession, I wouldn't be so creeped out. Even the fact that he's 25 doesn't freak me out that much, although maybe it should, because that's seven whole years difference. Same as my parents, but the difference is that I'm just now a legal adult and he's been one for quite a few years now. So...okay well that is sort of weird.

God. When I was 10...he was 17.

When I was in the fourth grade...he was a junior or senior in HIGH SCHOOL.

OH GOD OH GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD ALRJFLAJFRLASJFALFJ

Yeah, no. Sorry English Teacher. You may be hot and a book nerd at the same time which is admittedly rare, and I might reply to you just to thank you for complimenting my writing skills (because that was awfully nice of you) but I can't pursue this. No, no. You just...you just stop flaunting your hotness around and act like a proper authority figure and I'll act the complete opposite of jailbait as possible, and we'll just keep this nice and platonic. Just like you said.

Okay. Yeah. Sounds good to me.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(ps: Two entries in one day! Told you my writer's block was gone! By the way, happy 100th entry to me!)

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And three thousand years later...}
| 10:00 AM | 0Comment

...she updates.

Interneeeeet. Can you guess who's so relieved to be on Winter Break? Uh. THIS GIRL.

Due to some catching up I had to do in Science due to some technical problem (I couldn't do Science lessons for about 2 weeks straight for some reason, and then when they finally decided to fix it, it was the very last week before break. For an entire three days, I breathed and ate nothing but Nuclear Reactions.) and this hellish last-minute application for a scholarship I had to complete (my school nominated me, which was awesome, but my counselor didn't tell me until two weeks before the whole thing was due--which also included, I didn't realize until the second to last day, writen recommendations from two non-relatives. Not awesome.) But in the end, it all worked out, and these first few days of my break, I've just been taking it easy, something I clearly couldn't do in the past month or so of school.

And not to mention that because of my super-lax senior schedule, second semester doesn't start for me until January 18th. That's AN ENTIRE MONTH OFF. Yessssss.

I feel like this break was well earned, and I'm enjoying every second of it.

Here's some good news for you!

Since the last time I updated, Jazz has been over to my house four times to hang out. The first time was admittedly, a little weird still, but then by the last time she was here, about three days ago in fact, things were totally and completely back to normal. We were talking and laughing and being weirdos just like old times, and let me tell you, internet. It was a great feeling.

I'm grateful that everything's cool now, because I'd honestly I'd begun thinking that maybe I'd screwed things up. But as it turns out, me speaking up actually helped. It just took a while to get there, is all.
This has really taught me that it's okay to stick up for myself.
For a long while, I was too afraid to do just that, because I was more worried that people would think I was a bitch rather than worrying for about myself and how I'm being treated. But now that I've grown into myself a bit more, I've kind of stopped worrying what people think about me. I've stopped worrying about always trying to please everyone else, because I realized that I just need to be me. What anyone else thinks about me is irrelevant, it doesn't change the fact that I'm me, and that I'll always be me.

So, it was a hard lesson, but one that in the end I'm glad that I learned.

In other news, the past few days, I've been trying to make up for the lack of free time that I had before break. I've been writing like crazy (finally found some relief from the giant bought of writer's block I had) and reading like my life depended on it. I've also been doing some holiday stuff to celebrate the time of the year......hah. Understatement of the year.
You know me, Internet. Christmas cheesiness left and right. I've been watching all the Christmas specials and movies that I possibly can, been making cookies and listening to Christmas songs every second I can. I love my Christmas cheesiness.

Earlier this month, I decorated the tree with my younger cousins, and me and my mom gave them each these cute little ornaments we found at a store. The youngest got the Cars ornament (that little boy LOVES Cars, I swear), the second youngest got Dora, and the oldest got a Spongebob one. The youngest were so excited that they got their very own ornament that we couldn't calm them down for a few hours afterwards. It made me wonder if they'd ever had something like that before, their own ornaments on their own Christmas tree, but something tells me that they haven't. (To catch my drift, check out this entry from last Christmas.) Me and my mom agreed to include them in as many of our Christmas traditions as we could, and so far, they've really loved it, and so have we. It's almost as if we're seeing Christmas as new again, from brand new eyes. It's beautiful, truly.

So, I've been doing as many holiday things as I can possibly fit into my time. You should see my room, completely decked out in garland and candy canes and lights and SPARKLES. I also wanted to go see Santa at the mall, but unfortunately, it looks like I won't get to. (What?! I'm a teenager still! I'm still young! It'd be weirder if I went in my 20's, or something!)

I can't believe as of now, it's only four days until Christmas. This entire month flew by. It feels like I should still be eating Thanksgiving leftovers right now. (Which, by the way, was great. And as for leftovers this year, they were gone faster then they usually go. I guess that's what happens when you have 8 people in one house.)

Lately, things financially have been especially tight, so I'm not expecting much under the tree this year. But to be completely honest, I've passed that stage in my life where I want as many gifts for Christmas as possible. I'm old enough to realize now that just being with my family and having the things we already have is enough. I have a wonderful family, a home, a bed to sleep in, and great friends. I really couldn't ask for anything better than that.

(Told you I love Christmas cheese.)

In other other news, Best Friend Rose spent the night last night, and on the floor, she's still sleeping like the dead. Considering it's still before noon, I have the feeling I'll be entertaining myself for a while longer. Sigh.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Jazz's visit.}
Friday, November 18, 2011 | 6:11 PM | 0Comment

Sigh. Okay.

Before I start, putting this off was the worst idea ever. Ever. My memory of it would have been slightly lacking even a few days later, but this is ridiculous. But, believe it or not, procrastinating has been my number one hobby lately. It's getting bad, honestly.

Okay.

So the day Jazz was to come over, recall that she sent me a text in the morning asking if I'd be home. I replied yes, and why was she asking? She simply replied that she was coming over so we could talk. (Said. Not asked. Which would be fine with me, normally, if it weren't for the situation we were currently in, which made it sort of weird.)

So what could I say? No? I was the one who wanted to talk in the first place, so of course I said yes.
I asked if she could come by a little later, though (considering I'd just woken up and was not currently in the mood to have a deep, even friendship changing conversation. In fact, in the morning, I'm not up to any form of conversation that asks of me more than 5 words/grunts.).

At first, she asked me why she couldn't just come by right then, and I told her I was busy that morning, which was actually true because I had a few things I had to do, including a homework assignment that day and had wanted to do it earlier in the day anyhow. And at first she seemed resistant, but I stood my ground because I had stuff to do.
And to be honest, it was sort of rude of her to just assume I could move all of my previous plans for the day aside just so I could talk to her. As much as I wanted to talk this through, I wasn't going to get rid of my plans for the day just for her.

So in the end, she finally said she could come later. Right after that, I texted Best Friend Rose and told her (and we talked about how out of the blue this was) and came right onto here to tell you guys.

As much as it bewildered me, part of me was relieved because now all of this could be done and over with soon. On the other hand, I hate confrontation, so I was nervous.

After I finished my homework assignment (and if you're wondering, yes, people in online school still get homework, especially in AP classes), I went to wash my hair because it really needed it and also I didn't want to look/smell like a zoo animal when Jazz came over. So I jumped in the shower to wash it, and an hour and a half later I got out. (OKAY. In my defense, I deep condition it every time I wash it, so that's the only reason it took so long! And while the deep conditioner is in, I get out of the shower for a while, and then get back in later to rinse it out, so it's not like I look like a pruny wrinkly 90 year old woman when I finish, haha. JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR.)

While I was combing my hair and putting on lotion and all that, I heard noises outside the bathroom door. I assumed it was just my mom doing something or my dog messing around, but lo and behold I get a knock on my door, followed by my mom yelling to me that Jazz was there.

Which sucked, actually, because not only was she way early but I had also gone in there without a change of clothes.
Unsure of what to do, I decided to finish detangling my hair first, because if I waited until later, my hair would be one giant tumbleweed. About 15 minutes later, though, I was already finished, and still all taken off guard.

I was so nervous, Internet. To be honest, I didn't know what I'd expect on the other side of that door. I didn't know if this would be awkward, if she would act stiff and cold towards me, I didn't know how this would go. At all. And it was scary.

But finally, I turned the door knob and went into my room...

...Only to find it empty. Hah.

I went over to my parent's room and asked Mom if Jazz was still there, and she said that Jazz had told her that she had to go run some errands and that she'd come back soon.

Surprised, but relieved, I went back into my room and took that time to change into some fresh clothes. When I glanced at my phone, I saw these texts from Jazz.

"I'll be back at 3:45 ish" and "Sry I just need to run a few errands and I didnt wanna rush u. I tried to say bye but you couldn't hear me"

So I replied and said it was fine, and that I'd see her at 3:45. I got something to eat and listened to some music to calm my nerves a little, and before I knew it, 3:45 rolled around, and she was freakishly on time.

As soon as she got back, my mom let her in, and she came straight upstairs to my room. I'd left the door open, so she just walked in. I tried to feign nonchalance and look up casually from my laptop.

"Hi," I said, my tone even.

"Hey," she said, though she stared at the floor. She seemed really uncomfortable, but that reassured me somehow. "So, let's talk about this."

"Yeah," I said. She started to sit on my bed, but I had purposely clear the clutter in my chair for her to sit in, so I gestured over to the chair openly and tried to say, "Have a seat?" lightly, but somehow instead it sounded like something a campy super villain says to the person entering their lair while stroking a hairless cat. I mentally face-palmed.

She went to go sit down in the chair wordlessly, and started. "Okay. Well, I feel like you have alot you want to say, so go ahead."

I shook my head slowly and shrugged. "No, not really. I've already told you everything I wanted to say in that message, so no." I wonder what she expected me to say. That I hope someone would shave her head in her sleep, or that she would get a flat tire? I really felt like she thought I was more angry than I really was.

She seemed surprised, but nodded.

Now, DAMMIT, this is where my memory starts to fail, because I can't remember the specifics of the conversation anymore.

But basically, at this point she told me that she wishes that I would've said something from the very beginning that something was bothering me, so she could've done something about it, and I definitely agreed with her. I wished I had too, because then I don't think I would've been so angry about it. But the reason I had waited so long to talk to her about everything was because I was afraid it would all blow up, which in a way, it did. I told her that, and she didn't say anything really, just nodded.

So then we talked about I just felt like she stopped caring about me as a friend, and that I was hurt when she stopped hanging out with me and talking to me on a regular basis. She said she had no idea that I felt that way, absolutely none, and that she feels bad about that.

We talked about how I didn't like how she thought of me as a recluse, because my life was different now. I told her how different it was, in fact. I told her how I was healthier now, because I get to eat healthier and actually exercise; something I never did when I was in brick and mortar (sorry, homeschooler term, lulz.).
And I told her how actually being healthier made me happier, and that I have countless hobbies and tons of awesome things that I never got to do before. I told her that yes, I do actually leave the house on a normal basis now, believe it or not, and that Sophomore year was just a exceptionally bad year for me. (Bad to the point where my mom thinks that I may have even had depression for a little bit, something that only got better when I actually started being part of life and enjoying it again.)
Talking about this made me so overwhelmed that I started crying, because I wanted her to know how happy I was. That school was great for me academically, but personally, leaving that school was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I didn't tell her this, but just thinking of how back then despite getting to see my friends, I still dreaded going to school everyday, made me overwhelmed. I made some great friends at that school, and I could never regret that, but I was afraid of everyone else.
Afraid of what they thought of me. Afraid what they thought of what I said, what I wore, what my hair looked like.
I would have never admitted it, but my self esteem was absolutely non-existent. And I tried so hard to make everyone like me. I needed everyone to like me. Everyone at that freaking private school held my entire self-worth, and it terrified me, turned me into this empty shell of a person.

Leaving that school has given me such strength, such confidence that I've never had before, and she just doesn't get it. She thinks leaving that school took away my life, but instead it gave me one.

So I was telling her how happy I was now, all while bawling my eyes out, which probably told her otherwise, but oh well. Because I poured my heart out. So, if she didn't believe me then, then maybe she'll never believe me.

Anyway, after I calmed down, we talked about how we need to communicate more/better. I told her that no talking for 3 months straight is a hell no, because it tripped me out, and I thought she didn't even want to talk to me anymore.
She said she doesn't do it on purpose, just gets busy, but said she'll work on it. She also told me to remind her when she's being distant, and I said I would.

We also talked about how she totally supports my writing and my ambition to be published, and doesn't know where I got that she was skeptical about it. I admitted that on my part, I might have added that in the heat of the moment without really thinking about it first.
Next we talked about how she stopped telling me about her life, and how it made me feel closed off from her and shut out of her life in general. She said she stopped telling me stuff because she felt like she was making me sad with stories from school.

Sad? Sad?!

I told her she shouldn't assume that I didn't want to hear about, that of course I did because I was her friend and that I would have wanted know if she had a freakin' hangnail, and that she shouldn't have to feel like she has to protect my feelings. I also added that I stopped telling her stuff because since she stopped telling me stuff, I just assumed she didn't want to talk about our lives anymore, or that I wasn't welcome to anymore.

She admitted she should have, and then we both promised to stop assuming things about each other, because it obviously doesn't lead to good things. We even laughed about it.

Shortly after that, she had to leave (something about football practice, since she's the football manager) and so we hugged (briefly) and as she left we were both left with a positive feeling.

So since then, things have been a little better. Not perfect, or necessarily good, but better. We've talked twice, both were pretty good conversations, and she invited me to the movies tonight, but unfortunately I couldn't go because of being busy and exhaustion (long story). It's not back to the way it was yet, and I don't expect it to be soon, but it'll get there eventually.

WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT, though, I learned something quite interesting about Jazz from Best Friend Rose yesterday. Actually, two.

1. She fought with another very close friend of hers, just last week. I was pretty close with him too when I still went to their school. Turns out he sent her a message, and essentially said the same exact thing I told her in mine: that he felt like she was making no effort to talk to him or hang out with him anymore. Crazy, right? I don't know if maybe seeing me confront her gave him the courage to confront her too, but who knows. He asked if they could talk about it, and talk things through. However, things didn't exactly go as well as things did between her and I. Apparently the two met for coffee, and as they started talking, things were going well at first, but by the end Jazz was screaming at him that he was accusing her of things that were unwarranted and stormed out of the coffee shop. He was adamant that he didn't know how things went so badly, and it really shook him. Rosie said he looked like he'd been crying when he told her. He even said he never wanted to talk to her again. I wasn't there myself, but from what I've heard about it all, he did not deserve that. All I know is, if this is the second time in a row this has happened to Jazz in the past few months. Hopefully she'll start to get it soon, but I'm starting to get the feeling she probably won't.
2. Apparently Jazz chews. Which is a pretty nasty habit to begin with, but on top of that, the Jazz I knew looked down on even cigarette smokes. She was that person that would cringe at people standing outside restaurants smoking. She was also that person that, in fact, scolded Johnny endlessly for smoking cigarettes. She called him an idiot daily for smoking. And that's exactly why it bothers me. It's not even the fact alone that she's chewing, even though it is a disgusting habit. It's just the fact that she used to insult and demonize smokers left and right, and then turns right around and starts chewing, when she insisted time and time again that she would never smoke or use drugs or anything of that nature. It's hypocritical, and it's not the Jazz I knew. At all.

I don't know what will happen with Jazz, but at this point I'm not even sure I want to know. As much as I want to be close with Jazz again, I'm not even sure I know her anymore.

But I won't jump to any conclusions yet. I'll give it some time. We'll see.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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WOW.}
Wednesday, November 16, 2011 | 6:33 PM | 0Comment

I'm updating!

...No, really! It's me! I'm here!

Oh my god, Internet. I can't believe it's taken me this long to update. After the Jazz thing, I got so busy and kept putting off the entry further and further until HERE WE ARE. And I'm mentally kicking myself in the face for putting it off for so long because now it'll be even harder to remember the conversation Jazz and I had when she came here. GAH.

But, I swear. I will post it soon. In fact, I'm aiming for Friday, because right now I'm going to wash my hair and go to bed early and tomorrow will be super busy.

Friday, however, I will have the entire day off (self granted, of course) and I will be free, so I will have no reason to put it off anymore. For you, Internet, I will write my Jazz entry instead of finishing Coffee Prince. Full of rants and obnoxious commentary, just like always. That's love, man. That's how much I love you. CLINGY HUG.

Also, right now I'm getting to your emails! I haven't checked my email in forever, and I so appreciate the emails you guys send me! I'm replying to them as I speak, pinky swear!

See you Friday!

xo Hopeless Romantic

ps. Remind me not to use Google Chrome while writing entries anymore. Chrome seems to hate Blogger and its posts' formatting, and I keep having to go back and edit them using Firefox. Huh.

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