♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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*womp-womp trumpet sound from cartoons plays* sigh.}
Wednesday, June 29, 2016 | 6:21 PM | 0Comment

Sigh. Internet...I got some 'splanin' to do.

I'm going to update soonish. With a big giant update post. And when I do, I will explain the last post, as well as the mess of what happened afterwards, and then I'll explain what happened to Luke.

One thing's for certain: I'm done with online dating for a while again. Hoo boy, am I done.

 xo Hopeless Romantic

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instinct.}
Sunday, May 22, 2016 | 9:23 PM | 0Comment

Internet.

You know how some things aren't that hard to figure out? You immediately just instinctively know?

 Think about the first time you ever had pizza (or, if you're one of the rare breeds of human out there that hates pizza, substitute this for another food that you could not live without). It was instant, right? Like, "Holy shit. This pizza thing. I love this stuff. I need more of it. I need endless pizza forever."

Or think about the first time you ever saw your favorite movie. The score tattooed itself on your heart the moment you heard it, and your favorite lines imprinted into your brain. The bittersweet moment the end credits started, you were filled with the overwhelming need to watch it again...and again and again and again.

Some things are just undeniable like that. You experience it and, right away, you like it. You know you without a doubt need more of this thing in your life or you will positively explode.

Some people are the same way. The moment I got to really know R*cky B*bby, it was like that. When I met some of my closest friends, it felt that way too.

Enter Jacob*.

Holy shit, Internet. This guy.

I don't have time to go into details and explanations just yet, but here are the need to knows: I had a first date with this guy, Jacob, this morning. After talking to him for a week.

And that feeling I was talking about? Yeah. So overwhelming that I had to write this short entry trying to put what I'm feeling into words and wrap my head around this.

Don't worry, more details are coming soon. But first I need to get some actual sleep, and calm all of these butterflies in my stomach. Hang tight.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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hopeless romantic's first kiss. ever.}
Sunday, May 1, 2016 | 10:56 PM | 0Comment

Internet. What a night last night was.

I don't even know where to start. Not since high school have I had a night this significant.

To be honest...I didn't think I would ever be writing an entry like this. At least not for a good while longer. Receiving my first kiss was of course something I hoped for, but I never even fathomed that it could happen this year, even this week. But it did.

Let me start this crazy story from the beginning.

His name is Luke*.

I swiped right on Luke two weeks ago. We matched immediately.

It happened during a surprising, short lived burst of bravery I had on Tinder where I swiped right 4 TIMES in one session (unprecedented for me) and inexplicably matched with all four of them. Of the four, though, only 2 of them actually messaged me.

One was Luke, and one was a dude I'll call Roy*.

I texted them both at the same time for a day. Luke asked if we could "hang out sometime". I said sure, maybe next weekend (all the while in the back of my mind I was sure that I would bail last minute and say that I was busy).

Then for a few days Luke and I didn't talk, and I talked to Roy a lot more. Me and Roy had a ton of interests in common.

After another day or two, Roy asks me out, too. Like an idiot, I forget that I had already agreed to something with Luke that weekend, and I tell Roy, "Sure, I'll be free this weekend!"

Then...later, I remember. Crap. I double booked. This had never happened to me before. I hadn't ever had 2 people interested in me at the same time.

But, also remembering that Luke hadn't even talked to me in like 3 days, I shrugged it off. Our plans had never been solidified anyway, and he probably decided he didn't want to go out with me after all. Whatever. I was used to that at this point. AhemAMADcough. (Speaking of, guess who finally moved? Saw it on Instagram. Bon voyage, Amad. Have fun in La La Land.)

So, I carried on, fully convinced that that Roy and I would be going on a date.

Well...until Luke texted me on Wednesday.

Luke and I resumed talking, and weirdly, my conversation with Roy got abruptly cut off. I messaged him again to maybe start our talking again, thinking he just forgot to reply, but it was totally radio silence. Zero word from him since then.

So Luke and I text for 2 days straight now, and on Thursday night asks if I'd still like to hang out on Saturday.

Considering Roy presumably has fallen off the face of the planet at this point, and the more I talk to Luke the more I realize that we have more in common than Roy and I had in common, I say yes to Luke instead.

Friday...the panic starts to set in.

As much as Luke liked to call it "hanging out"...I knew it wasn't. I don't get why guys my age hate calling dates what they are, but they are dates, whether they want to call them that or not. This was a date date, and I hadn't been on a date since Brennan. (About a year and a half ago now.)

Crap. I had a date!!!! My knee was still hurting and I was still recovering from my near week-long impromptu sitting stint last week (long story). How was I supposed to go on a date?????

Then even more panic flooded in.

What if it went terribly and my impression of Luke was completely wrong? What if he was rude and narcissistic like Amad? What if he was nothing like his pictures and I was uncomfortable? Then, even worse--what if something was wrong with me?!?! What if he showed up, saw me, then immediately walked back out?



Then, worst of all: What if it went great for once? What would I do then? How would I handle it?

Ready or not, though Saturday finally came. As I always do for dates, I spent hours getting ready. (Spent a record 2 hours on my makeup. It looked great and I mean, for that crazy amount of time, it should have!) I pick out a cute yet casual outfit, complete with flat sneakers to accommodate my still healing knee. I do my hair in a cute yet not-too-fancy hairstyle.

Lo and behold, it was snowing. On the last day of April. I KNOW. The freezing weather made me not want to leave the house at all, as it always does, but in the end, I'm glad I did.

I finish getting ready, and by late afternoon, it's time to meet Luke.

Stepping out of the snowy tundra outside and into the warm coffee shop, I search for him at first. Not an easy task, considering I wasn't wearing my glasses (faux lashes make glasses impossible). Soon, though, I see a guy stand up from one of the tables and slightly wave at me, and I make my way over, my stomach in knots.

He greets me with a hug, and I hug him back. As I pull back, I try to read his face. I can't tell if he looks disappointed, disinterested, nervous, or if that's just his normal resting face.

I say I'm going to get my drink, and he says he'll buy my drink for me and comes with me. A little awkwardly, we walk over there together. He asks what I want, without thinking I blurt out, "Hot chocolate," and even though I love hot chocolate, this place has milk based hot chocolate. Since I'm lactose intolerant, that was maybe not the best choice. Oh well. Too late to take it back.



He kindly pays for both drinks and we sit at the table. I get another good look at him, and I realize his whole face is red. He also avoids prolonged eye contact with me--which is usually just my problem. He seems really nervous, and somehow, it's reassuring. Immediately, I ask him questions about himself, wanting him to feel more at ease.

We talk about his job (paid internship) and his art (he's super SUPER talented at drawing), and soon he loosens up and isn't as red. Finally, I see him smile. He has a great smile. He's one of those people that look completely different when they smile--it changes his whole face.

We talk more and more, animatedly about our shared interests and seriously about each of our passions. We click. We laugh and relate. I tell him I still live at home, and that I don't drive, and he accepts it easily (he still lives with his folks as well). I talk about how much writing means to me, and he listens. Really listens. And after I finish, he says, "That's wonderful."

As soon as he says that, I already know without that choosing to meet Luke in person had been the right decision to make.



Soon, we realize the sun has gone down. 3 hours had passed already.

Luke asks if I'd want to go watch a movie, and with the way that he words it, I realize that he didn't mean the movie theater. But we're having such a nice time that I don't think that I want it to end just yet. And watching a movie sounds nice. So I agree.

He throws his drink away, and then proceeds to pick up all the straw wrapper rippy bits that I'd unknowingly made while I was nervous earlier. I thank him and apologize, laughing because I hadn't even realized I'd done that.

We shoulder on our coats and head outside where the snowstorm has picked up even more, and cottony flakes are lightly falling from the sky.

He opens the doors for me, and I thank him. We get into his (well taken care of and nice) car, and he starts to drive through the snow to his house. On the way we talk about what kinds of music we like, and the kinds of music we grew up listening to.

In about 15 minutes, we're already there. He lives on a quiet suburban street much like mine.

We go into his house, and his dad is in the kitchen. A spike of nervousness hits me again, and when Luke introduces his dad to me, I tell him it's nice to meet him and call him 'sir'. He asks me how I am, I say fine and ask how he his, and he says he's fine. Thankfully after that the introduction is over and I can breathe a little.

We go downstairs where the entertainment center was, and I'm relieved to see it, as I had been worried that 'movie' had been code for something else. He asks what I want to watch, and I look through his movies to decide.

I decide on an alien invasion movie that I had never seen before, and he says it's one of his favorites as he pops it into the movie player.

Feeling a little out of my element, considering I had only just met this guy in person today and I was already at his house, I sit on the love seat by the armrest and try to make myself as small and as unimposing as possible.

He asks if I'm cold and if I want a blanket, and I say sure, since I decided to wear tights and a tennis skirt during a snow storm. He hands the blanket to me and I thank him. The movie begins and then, as I put the blanket over my legs, he turns out the lights. Oh.

Then he sits on the couch, scooches right next to me, and drapes the blanket over his legs too.

Oh.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what might happen, and I try to mental prepare myself. It suddenly occurs to me that I've never watched a movie with a boy at a boy's house, alone, EVER, in my entire life. Why had I immediately assumed that when he asked to watch a movie, that he meant only watch a movie????

I realized that perhaps 'movie' was code for something else after all.

He asks if I need anything, and I say no. The movie starts, and I'm tense, arms folded, face carefully blank, acting like I'm paying close attention to the movie but I'm actually fuh-REAKING OUT.

The nervousness makes my stomach churn, and then I realize that I had never eaten dinner, and it was almost 4 hours past dinner time. The thought makes me even more hungry, and I can't quell the growl my stomach makes. I quietly hope he didn't hear it.

Finally, 15 minutes or so into the movie, I ask if he has any snacks to eat. He says that he's hungry too, and immediately he goes upstairs to the kitchen to find something to eat. I take this time to breathe and calm down so I won't be so tense.

In a minute or so, he comes back, and gives me a list of snacks that they have. Muffins was one of them, and so he leaves again and then comes back with muffins. He sits back down, offers me the plate to catch the crumbs with, then we eat our muffins and continue to watch the movie.

At this point I'm not as nervous, considering I've had something to eat now. So I take forever eating the muffin (because I'm a slow eater) and eventually I finish, and he offers to get the plate out of my way, and I thank him as he does.

We get back to watching the movie. About a few minutes after that, he does...the move.



The arm around the shoulder thing (except without the corny yawn part).

I freeze again. The moment oddly reminds me of the time You-Know-Who did the same thing in junior year, minus the movie watching. I froze up exactly the same way. Only this time, there was no friends near me to seamlessly divert my awkward, frozen reaction to the physical contact. We were alone.

My brain is screaming at me to react in some way, and so what I do is free my hair from under his arm. He laughs nervously and apologizes, and it reminds me yet again that he's just as nervous as I am, and it's again reassuring. I tell him it's okay and laugh too, and I take that moment to rearrange myself so that I'm a little more comfortable.

It helps...a little. Still freaking out. My shoulders, where his arm is across, feel like they're on fire. My leg keeps twitching. It feels like I'm breathing way too loud and swallowing way too much. I know he can hear me swallow, because I can hear him swallowing hard, too. And breathing hard.

There's a palpable tension there in that room between us. And I haven't felt that in God knows HOW long. (6 years, to be exact.)

We sit like that for the rest of the movie, and because I actually got myself to pay attention to the last half hour, I applaud because I loved it. I tell him I loved it, and he says he's glad I enjoyed it. His hand tightens slightly on my shoulder, and I ask if his arm is numb. He says not at all, and that I barely weigh anything. And I told him I was relieved because I was worried about that.

I comment a little more on the movie, and he agrees with me, and I feel the tension even more now. There's a lull, and just before I can start to feel uneasy--it happens.

He reaches across me with his free hand, very gently touches my cheek and turns my face towards his face. He leans in.

Before I can prepare for what I think it might be like, or freak out at all, it's already happening. His lips press against mine. I freeze in shock again.

I begin to register what's happening. His lips are smooth and soft against mine. I thought it would be...wetter. Like maybe too wet? But it was a nice amount of softness. His stubble scrapes my face, but not unpleasantly. His aftershave smells really freakin' good. His nose bumps into my cheek. His thumb strokes my other cheek.

It's completely different from what I've thought it would be like for the past...when did I hit puberty...13 years? It's unfamiliar, and confusing, but not unwelcome.

Finally, I snap out of my stupor, and I start to move my lips, trying to match his movements.



(Okay, sorry. Enough k-drama gifs.)

I had heard that when you get your first kiss, you figure out what to do. I didn't believe that, not for one second. 'But there must be some trick!' I would think after hearing that. 'Some secret that I don't know! What is it!! TELL ME THE KISSING SECRET!'

But, honestly? That advice is so accurate. After knowing I should try to match him, and try not to let our teeth bump (I still did once. Oops.), I was just...doing it. I don't know if I did it well or not, really. But I did it.

Internet. I kissed a boy.



After maybe...I don't know. 30 seconds? A minute? (My mind was somewhere else, I have no clue how long it was!) He pulled away, briefly, then leaned in once more to press his lips to mine again.

He pulls back again, looks down at me, and at this point my brain is totally kaput, and I say, like a total fucking nerd, "Um, thank you."

He chuckles and says, "You're welcome." Then kisses my cheek, and then my temple. And it's so much overwhelming physical contact that I have NEVER HAD BEFORE IN MY LIFE that I just slump down against his shoulder in a giddy daze. He hugs me against him with his arm tighter, and then gently, he takes my hand out of my sleeve and laces his fingers through mine.

My heart is racing, and suddenly I realize how sweaty my hand is, so I apologize for it being sweaty, and he says he didn't even notice.

We sit there like that for a few minutes, in a comfortable silence. I say that I'm sleepy, and he says he could tell. He lets go of my hand, then reaches over and softly strokes my hair and brushes it away from my face. For a good 5 seconds I'm positive that I may just pass out from swooning. (Have I ever mentioned that I love getting my head/face touched? I'm like a freaking cat. My eyes almost rolled back into my head. It took everything me not to actually mewl like a cat.)



I ask what time it is, and he tells me it's about 20 minutes past ten. I can't even remember the last time I was out so late, and I tell him that I should probably get home. He says he figured it would probably be time for me to head home soon, and tells me he'll drive me home.

When I get up from the couch, my knees buckle with weakness, and I glance at him, hoping that he didn't see. If he did, he didn't say anything.

As we open the front door, the snowfall from the past two hours is revealed. Even bigger snowflakes are falling, and it honestly looks magical.



Luke opens the passenger door for me and I settle into the passenger seat. He brushes the snow off the car windows outside. I begin shivering, and at first I think that it's from the cold, but then I realize it's the jitters taking over as I begin to comprehend what had just happened.

I whisper to myself, "Oh my God." Then I whip my phone out to send a quick mass tweet to my friends to tell them the crazy news of my first kiss.

He enters the car, and of course I play it cool again. On the way to my house, we make more small talk in between me giving him directions.

We arrive at my house 15 minutes later, and he gets out to walk me to my front door. He hugs me, and I hug back. I thank him, telling him I had a great night. He says we'll have to do it again, and I agreed. Before we break the hug, he leans down for one more kiss. And I think that if it happens again I'll really lose my cool, so I smile and tell him goodnight and to drive home safely. Then I go inside the house.

My dad greets me when I go in, and unfortunately I don't look in a mirror to see my smudged lipstick until after we're done talking. He almost definitely noticed. Womp womp.

Then I went straight to my room, told all my friends all about it as they freaked out and congratulated me, and then around midnight when I came down from my high, I went into the kitchen to heat up some leftover spaghetti because I was starving.

I didn't think I would EVER sleep, but sometime around 3am I finally passed out.

So....what's next in store for Luke and I?

I don't know what's next. But the fact of the matter is that he is, and always will be, my first kiss ever.

How I managed to have such a lovely, adorable first kiss, I'll never know. The whole thing sort of felt like something from a contemporary YA book or k-drama. I still kind of can't believe it actually happened, and part of me still wonders if I hallucinated the whole thing. I'm still in a daze and it's been a whole day.

But I guess that's one thing that I can stop beating myself up over, Internet. Once upon a time, I'd cry myself to sleep thinking something like this would never happen to me. And now it has.



I'm not going to pile expectations on after this experience, Internet. I'm not going to overthink things.

But maybe...just maybe...it might be okay to like Luke. Maybe just a little bit.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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the way it goes.}
Monday, April 4, 2016 | 7:22 PM | 0Comment


Hey, Internet. I have some updates for you, fresh outta the oven! And believe me, these updates are probably nothing like you were expecting.

SO, first off, and most importantly: MY BIRTHDAY. WOOOOO.

After a fun and happy, easy-going birthday, this Hopeless Romantic is now 23 years old.


(Above is the birthday cake of my wildest dreams.)

23. What? Wow. That's how old I am now? Wasn't I 17 exactly two seconds ago? What the hell, man. How did that happen?

But, yes. Long story short: birthday was great.

Full of lovely birthday wishes, family, italian food, wine, and red velvet cupcakes (which I'm eating right now!!). Not to mention two giant pink '2' and '3' helium balloons, which are amazingly still afloat and are directly to my left as I type. I also received a beautiful pink quilt which I had actually seen in a store a week prior and kept beating myself up afterwards for not having money with me when I saw it. (Thanks mom for sneaking and getting it for me.) That quilt is really gonna save my ass at night during the warm months, it'll be much less sweltering hot than my thick comforter.



Really, it was good that my birthday and the day after was so great. Because the 3 and a half days afterwards totally sucked.

The morning after my birthday I at least got to go see a movie I've been wanting to see, and so that was fun. Then, that evening, I got a migraine.

I took my migraine medicine, which has caffeine in it, resulting in me staying up until 3:45 in the morning. Then, 15 minutes after I finally went to sleep, my lovely sweet senior-aged pup had some gastrointestinal stress. Resulting: she shit all. over. my. bedroom floor.

Diarrhea everywhere. At 4 am.

So, lol. Yeah. Not so great.

After that happened, I proceeded to have severe allergies and sinus issues, which is currently still happening. NOT FUN.

But, hey. At least my birthday this year was great, and I have a positive memory of it! Soooo, moving onto less disgusting updates. (Sorry.)

Let's talk about what I know most of you are dying to hear about: Amad.



Hm. Where to start? Well, maybe I'll start with the fact that he hasn't moved yet!

Unexpected, right? Well, here's another unexpected tidbit: We haven't talked since February.

Hah...yeah. But not for lack of trying, on my part. Yep. That's right. I have texted him on two separate occasions since then, and guess what?

Nada. Nothing. Ignored. Ignored hard.

Incredibly, he's still been liking my Instagram pictures. But still can't respond to my texts. Amazing. And, you know what? I've gotten the sneaking suspicion that he really did get my text that time and really did just ignore me. Since he seems to be pretty damn good at doing that.

So...that's it, I guess. Game over.

Yeah, I mean, it's great and all that he hasn't moved yet, which I don't know the reason for, by the way. I was going to ask him why he hadn't moved yet one of the times I tried to reach out, but uh, yeah. Guess I'll never know. Guess it doesn't matter to me anymore, either.

He's made it clear he doesn't want to go out with me anymore, so I won't try to change his mind. You either like me, or you don't. That's not my problem, and it's not my job to try and convince someone else that I'm worthy of them. I already tried that once and suffered (R*cky B*bby in the 8th grade) and I have no intention of ever doing that again. I have more pride than that.

At first I was annoyed and confused. Now I'm just tired of whatever this was. I'm over it.

So long, Amad. Not sure why you decided to pull the disappearing act after being so into me, but I'll live.



I feel like I have done this little thing called moving on about a thousand times already. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it really sucks, and sometimes it's hard. But I have to do it, and so I'll keep doing it when I need to. As many times as it takes.

He wasn't what I thought (or hoped) he'd be. He really was the immature little asshole that I'd hoped he wasn't. He disappointed me. And that's alright. That happens. Sometimes that's just the way it goes. That's life.

So, as I move on, I'll continue to swipe on Tinder--mostly to the left, along with eye rolling and and heavy sighs.

Onto some other news: MY JOB.

Watching Sally in February turned out great, she was a sweet puppy. After that, I had a few more meetings with potential clients that didn't turn into a real sitting opportunity because of certain aspects not working out.

Also, a week after I watched Sally...I had one of my trademark clumsy moments.

I sprained my knee badly one night as I was killing a bug. Don't ask me how I did it, I still have no idea!! I've been wearing a brace on my knee for a month and a half, and have also been elevating and icing it consistently. I've had an ape-like hobble of a walk for quite a while now, but I think all of this treatment is finally paying off.

It still hurts, but it's better. Not nearly as bad as it was.

But obviously, it's set me back in terms of working. I've barely been able to walk, let alone play with a dog every day and deal with sweet little fur babies slamming into my knees even though they don't mean to but bless them those little darlings are CLUMSY. So I've been taking a hiatus lately to heal, so also no money lately. Sadface.

BUT. I just had a great meeting yesterday, and the deal was sealed immediately: I watch their sweet little pumpkin the whole first week of June. Woohoo!

And if my knee is still not 100% by then (but it probably will be) then I won't have to worry about aggravating my injury, because their little dog is so close to the ground and tiny that it won't even be a problem. Yay.



With a healing knee and healing pride, things are looking up once again, Internet.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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triumphs and complications.}
Thursday, February 4, 2016 | 7:30 PM | 0Comment

Hoo boy, Internet.

I got some updates for you, and of course some more trademark Hopeless Romantic rantings. Buckle up.

What should I update you on first? Well, since technically my blog is a dating blog, why don't I start with what y'all really want to hear about: Amad.

So, after I wrote my last entry, I waited for his next move, aka setting up when we would figure out a set day and everything. No move came, except for some more likes from him on Instagram here and there. And so I kept waiting. And I waited.

And waited. And waited. And waited.

And I spiraled further into madness.

Two weeks had officially passed since the initial asking out, and two solid weeks of radio silence followed. Two weeks where I had basically overthought every possible thing and dug myself into a hole that I sat at the bottom of and thought about how he was totally not into me and I had misunderstood his asking out entirely or that he had been into me but something I did made him totally uninterested again and it was my fault and GAME OVER. (Holy run-on sentence Batman.)

I had basically overthought myself into an actual funk, a terrible mood that lasted for two days, and it did not feel nice. So after digging myself out of this hole/funk, and feeling somewhat decently again, I decided to do a Bold Thing.

Said Bold Thing is something that I rarely do with guys I am interested in: initiating conversation first when we have never ever had an actual real conversation before.

Doing this Bold Thing was so intimidating for me, for a couple of reasons.

  1. In my mind, he had already rejected me once. I'm talking about when he first gave me his number and I sent him a text after many a deliberation and angsting and he totally blew me off. Yes, in my mind, this is a rejection. Yes, I know it was a relatively small action, but to me it seemed blunt: he'd changed his mind. He had no real interest in getting to know me, and had no interest in talking.
  2. Because of my long streak in middle school and high school of never* having any guys that I liked liking me back, I developed a very strong fear of rejection. In developing this strong fear, I basically overcompensated with either never** telling guys I liked that I liked them or avoiding every possible situation of developing serious feelings.
(*with maybe the exception of R*cky B*bby when he moved back in the 11th grade, to be honest, I'm still very iffy on this.)
(**with the exception of Phil, which ended up being mistaken feelings anyway and I will regret it until I'm 97.)

I've talked about this here before. For me, when it comes to guys, avoiding = safe. A guy's too attractive? Avoid at all costs. A guy's showing interest in me? Avoid avoid avoid. A guy's trying to talk to me? Definitely avoid.

Of course that would leave me with no options and a completely dead love life for years, but I liked it that way. Things were simple. Uncomplicated. Safe. Worry-free.

So, in summary: for me, sticking my neck out and actually risking being vulnerable and hurt if Amad rejected me a second time?

It filled me with terror down to my very bones.

It took a few of my anti-anxiety remedies so that I wouldn't have a panic attack, and giving myself a lengthy pep talk...but in the end, I typed out my message to him (Something to the effect of, "Hey. Are we still on for that lunch? I figured if we're gonna meet, we should probably at least talk to eachother? Haha."), swallowed my terror, and sent it.



Internet. You know what happened?

He replied 15 minutes later.

ALL THAT SELF TORTURE, ALL THAT WORRYING. FOR NOTHING. GAH. I'M SUCH AN IDIOT YOU GUYS.

It turns out, that first text I sent him? He never actually got it. And he thought I was ignoring him.

Omg. The entire rejection was completely in my head. All that overanalyzing and mental gymnastics over a misunderstanding. Story of my life.

Amad being interested in me was the very least of my worries, because y'all...he is definitely interested in me. Most definitely.

After the initial lunch-asking-out, he's asked me out 2 more times. One was to hang out at his brother's house (which I of course said no to because it was 10pm and I was in my pajamas and warm bed and was eating Cheez-Its and tbh I wondered for a moment if he was joking), and another was to have dinner at his family's restaurant (which I said no to because I had literally just finished eating dinner with my family, but that I might have to take him up on that sometime, because between you and me his family's restaurant is actually really successful and I've wanted to eat there since before I even knew who Amad was).

Fast forward to now: our city just had a huuuuuuge snowstorm hit, and we're pretty much buried in snow and ice right now, which again makes meeting up for that lunch impossible. But we're both definitely interested in meeting still, so I have a feeling we'll find a way to soon. Which you will hear about if it happens. Gulp.



But like I said: him being interested in me is the least of my worries. Because there's some bad news, which I found out during our first conversation.

Amad is moving out of state. To the west coast. At the end of February, aka in less than a month.

Now first of all, let's get this out of the way, I know what you're thinking. This makes it the 3rd time a guy I'm somewhat interested in is moving halfway across the country.

What is with this? Is it me? Am I just inexplicably, instinctively only drawn to guys who are moving away and I'll probably never see again? Do I just have the worst luck with potential romances in the entire world?

So, yeah. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. When he told me that, my heart sunk. Part disappointment, part relief because to be honest, I had just been waiting for something to be wrong. So now that I knew what was wrong, it took some of the edge off.

I've been thinking about it ever since, even during some of our other conversations, and I have a lot of mixed feelings about it.

Here's the thing, Internet. Amad is very attractive. Very, very attractive. He's smart, socially aware, driven, artistic, loves his family more than anything else, and dresses REALLY well (not to mention his hair is possibly the best hair I have ever seen in my life point blank). And I am more attracted to him than I have been attracted to anybody in a long, long time. Not since R*cky B*bby have I felt this attracted to someone's personality and looks all wrapped up together like this.

I remember just a year ago today that I was thinking I would never be drawn to anyone else like that. But with Amad? I have the same feeling. I haven't met him in person yet, so yes there's a possibility that I'm 100% wrong and it was just an illusion. But I have this need to meet him so badly. So badly. I never want to meet someone right away like this. To be honest, it scares me a little.



The logical part of me knows that this can't end well, in endless different ways. The biggest one being that he's moving 500 miles away in 3 weeks.

Let's think about all the possible outcomes here.

Even if we meet, we could have a terrible first date, one that I would look back on cringing for years. But what if it went extremely well? So what? Would we date casually for 2 more weeks and then he'd peace out and move and we'd never talk again? Would I even be able to do that without getting too attached in the first place?

Considering I never even dated R*cky B*bby, my feelings were 1 sided, and I was miserable for months after he moved, I don't think I could. When I develop feelings for someone, I develop them hard and quick. When I developed feelings for RB, they swept me off of my feet so quickly, I didn't know what had hit me. It was also completely out of my control. So I wouldn't be able to keep myself from developing feelings, and it would all end in my heartbreak.

Say things between us went amazingly, and we decided to have a long distance thing. How well could that possibly turn out? He would be the first boyfriend I've ever had, and I've never had a boyfriend that even lived here. 

How would I be able to handle my first relationship with someone that lived 500 miles away from me, and one that was weeks old to boot? It would be impossible. I would go insane.

His moving to the west coast isn't temporary, either. He's moving there to pursue his dream, acting and filmmaking. He even told me he's been working hard and saving up money for months. This move would likely be permanent, aside from visits home to see his family, who all live here.

And considering my financial situation at this time, I don't foresee me being able to visit him out there. I have friends who live there, and I've never been able to visit them, either. All because of money issues. There would be phone calls, texts, and Skyping--but how long would it take for those to become tedious and not enough for either of us?

All of this would be so unrealistic. It's about a 1000 times more complicated than a relationship would be if he weren't moving and we still lived on the same side of town, i.e. a normal one. And a normal relationship in itself would be complicated enough already (because of work for the both of us, money for me, my social anxiety, my lack of license and car).

Why would I get involved with this and make everything needlessly complicated and painful for myself?

Honestly, I wonder how people even make relationships work at all. To me, they seem like the most complicated thing to achieve. It's no wonder how I've never been in one at age 22. With all of these complications flying around, how would it even be possible for me?

After this much thought, Internet, I'm not sure I should follow through with meeting him.

Honestly, it makes me wish I had met him months and months ago. So that I had gotten enough time to get to know him and hang out with him before he had to move. Because when he moves at the end of this month, it'll be too late.

I keep thinking about our first conversation over text. We were talking about what we wanted to achieve, and who we wanted to be. I told him about my dreams of being a published author (which he was impressed by), and he told me about his dreams of being an accomplished filmmaker.

I asked him how long he'd been interested in filmmaking, and he told me he'd been making his own films for 7 years. I was impressed, and I told him that I bet he'll kick ass once he breaks into the industry.

And he said, "We both will."

Boom. Chills. Everywhere.

I don't know why that's been resonating with me so much. Maybe because so many people that I meet brush off my dreams as if they're simple, or not impressive enough. Or they look down on me, as if they doubt that I'm smart enough to write.

So when someone, even someone that I've never met before, tells me that they believe that I can do it...it gets to me. Goes straight through me to my soul. And I've never talked to a guy that seemed genuinely supportive of my dreams before. Ever.

I shouldn't let that one sentence get to me so much, but it did. And it still is.

Internet, I'm conflicted.

On the one hand, I want to be logical and think things through. I want to protect myself and save myself the trouble and complications.

On the other hand...I'm tired of always walking away from situations that seem too messy, or complicated, or hard. I'm tired of looking back and regretting letting people and opportunities go. I'm tired of regrets, period. This other part of me wants to let go of my fears for once in my life and just go for it, see where the cards fall and go with the flow, consequences be damned.

Amad is someone special, I really feel it. Do I really want to pass this up and take the easy way out just because it might be hard?



Sigh. I always have wanted guys that are unattainable.

In other (better) news: FIRST SITTING JOB. THIS WEEKEND.

Yes, Internet, that's right. This weekend I officially start my career as a dog sitter with my first client, a cute year and a half old black lab named Sally. Yay!!

Her owners are going on a skiing trip. So this weekend will be full of playing with Sally, watching Sally, and juggling Sally and my dog at the same time. Wish me luck!

I'll update soon and let you guys know how it goes. And I'll also offer an update on the Amad situation...sigh.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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up in the air. (new year, new rollercoasters.)}
Saturday, January 23, 2016 | 9:33 PM | 0Comment

Happy 2016, Internet.

How has your new year been so far? How has accomplishing your resolutions been going?

As for me, the first three weeks of 2016 have been...unexpectedly up and down.

I'll get to the ups in a minute, but as for the downs...well. Sometimes you gotta get some the downs out of the way, regardless of when. I didn't think that would happen the first two weeks of 2016, but there we go.

I have to say, the passing of Alan Rickman really got to me. It probably sounds ridiculous to some people, but he was one of my favorite actors. I may not have known him personally, but he still felt like family, in a way. Outside of his many roles, he was also a wonderful man. Rest in peace, Alan.



Another down: That big trip I briefly mentioned in my resolutions/holiday entry? Yeah. Not happening.

Turns out that the people I was planning to go with can't go anymore, and that basically made it impossible for me to go, even on my own. (Even if I could travel alone without having a mental breakdown, considering I haven't even been out of my own state in 15 years.) So yeah, that was a bummer.
Basically it was a combination of not having enough financially and personal circumstances. My friend felt really guilty about it, but it was partly my fault too.

I was really upset at first. The first day afterwards, I just let myself wallow and have a mental health day.

The next two days after that, though? HOLY MOLY. (Ups, here we come!!)

Literally the day I took a mental health day off, in the middle of the day, the most unexpected thing happened. So unexpected that I jolted up in my seat when it happened.



Internet...I may have a date coming up.

BUT WAIT. LET'S BACK UP. Beep beep beep.

I haven't told you about this guy yet. This is a little roller coastery in itself, so hang on tight.

I matched with this guy on Tinder back at the end of November. Let's call him 'Amad'.

When we first matched, I kinda flipped out, and for a few reasons. One being that he is...very attractive. Dresses well, fantastic hair, super handsome face, and actually knows how to take good selfies. Very important things. But there's one other thing.

He's 19.

Internet, you guys should know. I never go for younger guys. Never never never. (Well, okay, except for Brennan, kinda. He was a year younger than me. And Ricky Bobby, too, I guess. He was a year and a half younger. But those are the only exceptions!!!1) The grand majority of guys that I tend to get into are older than me.

This guy...is not. Not even close.

Can you picture me sweating nervously? Because I am. Profusely.

He's not just younger than me. He's technically still a teenager. And the only reason I swiped right is because I thought there was no way he would ever swipe right on me, due to our age difference and the fact that he is fine as hell and I am NOT.

Also, his family owns a popular chain of restaurants in our city. And he's a filmmaker. Can you spell o-u-t o-f m-y l-e-a-g-u-e? Even though he's younger than me he could quite literally get anyone he wanted. And I tend to avoid guys like that. Usually. Except for this time, when I apparently lost my mind.

At first I wanted to unmatch him and flee as fast as I possibly could. And I actually fully intended to. And then...I forgot. And then I followed him on Instagram, and he followed me back.

Whoops. So much for fleeing.

And as it turns out, I regretted the Instagram follow at first. After he approved me follow request and thereby gave me free reign to snoop, I snooped, snooped hard...and regretted it.

Of course, at first I had enjoyed looking at all of his selfies and clever captions and such. And then it happened--I opened up a picture from about a year and a half ago, and in the caption? A racial slur.

Sickness in the pit of my stomach, I clicked through a few more, heading back further in time. Found another racial slur. And another one. By then, I was thoroughly disgusted. To be honest, I was crushed.

Sometimes Internet, you hope and hope that a person you 'meet' is decent and kind, and then their social media accounts just destroy everything you had hoped in a matter of seconds. Here I was, hoping I had found an awesome guy (albeit young, but if he had a great personality I would definitely overlook his age), and then getting so immensely insulted and disappointed.



Deciding that he wasn't even worth any of my attention anymore, I left his Instagram feed and didn't think about him for another two weeks.

Unfortunately for me that was not the end of things.

After we had passively liked a few of each others' pictures back and forth for a week or so, he finally messaged me on Tinder and gave me his number, telling me to text him sometime.

I promptly freaked out. I hadn't wanted to even think about him again, let alone even actually talk to him. And he wasn't supposed to want to talk to me! That was the (unspoken, completely made up in my head) agreement we had!
I agonized over it all day, then, with a huge amount of trepidation and doubt, decided to text him that evening (several hours after he had given me his number). Kept it simple and straight forward. 'Hey, this is Sarah from Tinder.' Neutral and safe.

I waited. And waited. Waited more. Waited for days.

And....

No answer.

INTERNET. I WAS ENRAGED.

After deciding to give this little creep a second chance and give him the benefit of the doubt after what I had seen him say from a few years ago, which I never do, HE BLEW ME OFF.

AHHHHHHHH.



So I decided that from then on, unless he interacted with me first, he didn't exist to me. So long, fetus boy.

This was maybe two weeks before Christmas, and it worked well for a while, I'll give myself some credit. He would like some of my pictures on Instagram. I wouldn't even offer a thank you like in return, the way I usually did. All he got from me was radio static.

Finally, when he had liked maybe six of my pictures straight without any in return from me, I liked one back, hoping that would pacify him and he would leave me alone. (I realize how ridiculous all this is. Passive aggressive millennial social interaction at its' finest. Bleh,)

Plus I could not figure out for the LIFE of me how he could like several of my pictures and yet not have the decency to reply to 1 simple text message. Are we reaching that point in society now? Is texting going extinct now, too? Or is it just this toolbag? (Toolbag is also what I changed his name to in my phone.)

I continued to passively and sparingly like a picture of his now and then, and meanwhile he liked all of my newest ones. I maintained an air of indifference, even though I couldn't freakin' figure out why he could do all this but not answer a text.

Then it came. The day I was taking a mental health day.

Lo and behold, the Boy Who Did Not Know How to Text slid into my Instagram DMs.

Not only that, but he sent a picture of himself, and a message underneath that said, "You're gorgeous! (heart eyes emoji)"

Yep.

Called me gorgeous. With a heart eyes emoji.

AFTER NOT ANSWERING MY TEXT BEFORE. Which I was positive meant that he had 0% interest in me.

The second this happened, I was sitting on the couch next to my mom. And when I opened it, I nearly shot out of my seat. I had to try very hard to act like nothing had happened and I wasn't inwardly panicking. I had spent all day being sad, and now this was happening.

I took 45 minutes to excuse myself, pull myself together, and finally scrounge up a response.

I answered, "Wow haha, thank you. You're pretty gorgeous yourself (winking emoji)" Looking back, I feel that the winking emoji was too much, but oh well. Can't take it back now, can I? Besides, I have no clue how to flirt, so I at least get points for trying, right?

At one point, I was terrified that he was going to ignore me again and I had stuck my neck out for the third time only to be burned.

But thankfully, some time later, maybe half an hour later, he responded with something I had been expecting even less than the first message. "Let me buy you lunch sometime."

FREAK OUT #2.



Internet...I was having every emotion one person could probably feel at once without spontaneously combusting.

First, I was in disbelief. The fetus was asking me out? How? What? Huh? Why? WHAT?

Second, I was confused. I still hadn't forgotten what I had seen on his Instagram, and it still made me angry. But I tried hard to remember who I was at age 19. I was a very different person than I am now. I've learned a lot about people and the world since then. So why couldn't he, too? If it ever came up again after getting to know him, maybe I could sit him down and explain to him why it was wrong.

Also, I was confused about him being interested in me. Truth be told, this happens everytime someone shows any interest in me, even if I'm not interested in them.

I think it's the part of me inside that might always live in middle school/high school, when no guys outright expressed interest in me at all (except for Phil, but whole other can of worms, ugh) and it made me feel sad and even more insecure than I already was (which was a ton to begin with).

Sometimes I even talk myself out of it. I'll think, no, they're probably not interested in me like that. They probably only want to get in my pants. (That's my most often used excuse.)

But...there it was. If I gave him a real chance, his name wouldn't be Fetus Boy. It wouldn't be Toolbag. His name is Amad. And Amad was asking me out.

I still had the smallest amounts of doubts. But then I remembered how I felt at exactly this time a whole year ago. (See entry how do emotions work, anyway? (scary epiphanies are scary.) and prepare for some intense emotions.) I was miserable with my own regrets of the past. And I had decided that from this year on, I didn't want to have regrets anymore. That I wanted to give things a chance and maybe regret them afterwards but not regret not doing them and never knowing.

So I replied to Amad and said, "Sure, that sounds good. Let me know."



I agreed to a date with a 19 y/o. What did I do, Internet? WHAT DID I DO.

It's been a week since that happened, and considering the casual, non-committal nature of our plans, who knows when they'll actually be solidified and turned into a real first date, IF that even happens. But I said yes, so that's something I'll just have to deal with, I suppose. Wish me luck.

Along with that huge or not huge thing that may-or-may-not be happening, I have one more Up for you: I (possibly) have my first clients as a real honest to goodness dog sitter.

I met them a few days ago, a nice couple with a cute little furry baby. She's excitable, and energetic, but she's cute and friendly. I really REALLY hope this works out, because she would be an absolute joy to watch. And she and my dog get along well, which was a huge relief. (Also, since this was my first meeting with a potential client, my anxiety all day was through the roof. But it went well, so I'm very happy with it either way.)

It's still up in the air so far, but let's hope this all works out for the best!

I'll keep you updated on both fronts Internet. 2016 is off at full speed ahead already.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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the christmas crazies. (and important changes coming at me warp speed)}
Sunday, December 27, 2015 | 7:10 PM | 0Comment

Hey, Internet! Belated Happy Holidays!

I hope all of you guys had magical (or if not magical, at least decent?) holidays this month. You deserve it after the helluva year you've had.

As for me, Christmas this year was peaceful.

Financially, things have still been tight, as the
y have been all year this year. So instead of exchanging presents this year, my folks and I decided to have good food and good company for Christmas instead.

Delicious food, annual homemade cookies (which we decorated), good movies, and for me, a brand new tradition: I found an amazing mulled wine recipe and made it in the crock pot. Holy freakin' crap. Amazing. SO GOOD. I had to restrain myself from drinking all of it on my own, lest I subject myself to a merry Christmas hangover.

But before the holiday actually came, I found myself...in a slight dilemma.

Nothing too major, nothing even that big of a deal. But for me, it was pretty embarrassing.

You see, there's this phenomena that happens at this time of year that I like to call the Christmas Crazies.

I only more recently came up with this name for it, but I've written about it before. See this entry "Dodged that bullet."

Christmas couples, Christmas crazies, whatever you want to call it...it's a phenom. A phenom that I hate. And yet it affects me all the same.

Around this time of year, I get this inexplicable yearning. 

I don't know if it's the mushy corny cheesy Hallmark holiday movies I watch every year on an infinite loop (probably a huge contributing factor, not going to lie), or if it's my favorite classic Christmas songs which happen to be romantic in nature (All I Want for Christmas is You, Last Christmas, Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)), or if it's the cold weather making me want to snuggle up in my pajamas with someone.

But man. Without fail. I get more sentimental, definitely. But I also yearn. For who? Anybody? I don't know. But the older I get, it's gotten worse.

Last year, unfortunately, I got the Yearnings for R*cky B*bby. (Censored because I promised I'd stop blogging about him. Hah.) But all of my nostalgia craze was just starting this time last year, so that was why. Also last year, I had my first and last date with Brennan after months of resisting meeting him in person at all. It's safe to say the Christmas Yearnings had gotten to me, and that was why I had decided to say yes to a snowy Christmas Eve Eve coffee date.

This year, I got them for...I don't know. Everybody?

I'm telling you Internet. The Christmas Crazies this year were on steroids. One minute I was feeling relaxed and unworried about any and all boys, the next minute I was talking to 4--LITERALLY 4--different guys from Tinder at once. 3 days before Christmas.

And before you guys get all Judgey McJudger at me, this is unheard of for me. When I do start talking to a guy, I just talk to that guy and that guy only. This is to keep me from feeling overwhelmed.

However, this time I just...I don't know, guys. I think I had a nervous breakdown, or something. Or maybe the romance in the air had me a little overwhelmed and I got a bit right-swipe happy.

Either way, I got four new matches 3 days before Christmas, and all 4 of them started talking to me at once.

Deciding that I was in the mood to talk to some people, I answered them all. And my dilemma began.

Thankfully, conversations with two of them tapered off after two hours or so. But the other two persisted into the next day.

1 of them asked me out right off the bat from the first day we talked, which was a red flag for me. I told him that I was busy, but I would think about it and talk to him later. So the next day, we began talking some more, and conversation was nice, so I was seriously considering maybe hanging out with him sometime.

As we talked that day, he followed me on Instagram (my IG is connected to my Tinder profile). Seeing that he did, I went to follow him back, His account was private, but that didn't seem out of the ordinary to me. I sent a follow request and went about my day, still talking to him casually.

He accepted my request about 30 mins later, so I went to look at his Instagram. I noticed a lot of travel pictures, which was cool. But then I noticed something peculiar--the pictures I saw of him throughout his feed looked NOTHING like the pictures he had on Tinder.

I even scrolled down to the bottom of his Instagram feed--the oldest pictures were from three years ago, and yet the pictures of him from then still weren't anything like his Tinder pictures.

At first I was positive this guy was a Catfish, so I got all prepared to tell him off. Then when I went back to his Tinder profile once more, I realized--the pictures on his Tinder were of him, but they were years old. Like, way older than three years old. Possibly 5 years or more. College pictures, and he very clearly was long out of college (27 years old).

And our conversation was getting increasingly creepy. He kept making sexual remarks, kept asking sexual questions, and began persisting over and over again that we should date.

Obviously, I was way creeped out at this point. So I decided to let him down easy, block him on both apps, and get the heck out of that situation.

Predictably, he took it badly, even though I had calmly made an excuse about not having the time to date anybody at the moment. I was fortunate enough not to have him call me names or harass me further than the typical 'Well, why not? Why are you even on here, then?' And then thankfully he did me the favor of blocking me on both apps instead of me having to do it.

So, yeah. Yikes.

If anything, all that experience did was remind me why I hate Tinder in the first place. I haven't been back on since.

As for the other guy, he was nice enough, at least compared to that other guy. Cute too, but way out of my league. (He plays college basketball, and he's been on ESPN. Why did he even want to talk to me in the first place? No idea.) We exchanged Snapchat usernames, snapped back and forth for 2 days (just face snaps, nothing crazy), and then stopped talking but have been passively watching each other's snap stories ever since. Ah, romance.

(He's never gonna talk to me again.)

So, in conclusion: the Christmas Crazies got to me again this year. But at least I didn't go any terrible dates, especially not with that one wacko. Two conversations were enough for me.

IN OTHER NEWS: 2016. Coming up fast as hell.

And for me, big changes are coming with the New Year.

The biggest and most important change: a job. I GOT ONE. TECHNICALLY.

After all that job applying for years, and yielding no results, I decided to do this differently. Take a different approach. Because obviously what I was doing was not working at all for me, and you know. Definition of insanity and all that.

So, I decided to do some research on modern ways to make money. And I stumbled upon this article about just that. Some things it listed were becoming an Uber driver, becoming a nanny or babysitter, and then--once I spotted it, it felt like I struck gold--becoming a pet sitter.

DING DING DING.

An important thing about me, internet: I love animals. I love animals so, so much. I connect with animals. Especially pets. Especially dogs. And so when I found a website specifically dedicated to finding dog sitters, I immediately went to their application page to become a sitter. And after a little work filling it out, getting a testimonial from a family member written for my profile, and getting a background check done, I was cleared. My application was approved.

Y'all. I have a job.

LET ME REPEAT. I HAVE A JOB.

Sure, it's a self employment job. But it's run through this website, and involves self promotion. I can do that. Hell, I'm a Millenial. I was born for the age of social media.

It'll take a lot of hard work, and a lot of cute messy pups to watch, but I can do it. I've pet sat before, and it was easy and fun. (Plus, an option like this makes way more sense for me than babysitting. Kids are too much for me to handle on my own at the moment. I prefer furbabies.)

So...come January, I'll be starting as soon as I possibly can. I'll start promoting this week, and hopefully come the first week of January, I'll have my first customer.

I'm anxious to start, because I have a very important trip to save up for in February. Said trip would probably be life changing, and be a turning point for my life. (But more on that later!)

And after that event, I would continue to work so I could save up money to go back to college, and some other very VERY important things as well that would make my 2016 a turning point in my life.

These are more than just my same old resolutions for New Years. I'm going to make absolute sure that 2016 will be a very different year for me. But in a good way. In a great way. It's in my hands. It's my life. I have to make it happen. Nobody is stopping me but me.

Change that I've needed for a long time is coming.



Internet, let's hope this self-push coming at me fast in 2016 is just what I needed to do for myself. (And let's hope that those Christmas Crazies stay away from me next year.)

Once again, Happy Holidays to all of you, and Happy New Year! See you all next year! (Ugh, I know, I'm sorry. Why did I make that joke? Why?! I'll show myself out.)

xo Hopeless Romantic

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