♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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To Luis}
Sunday, June 12, 2011 | 2:15 PM | 0Comment

"Out of a random chance, I found your site. Now, here's my question:

What is a hopeless romantic? (hint hint on my signature)

The true hopeless romantic would always rather give than receive. Because they know then and only then, will there be true love."

Hi, Luis! I'm sorry I'm answering this so late. I did see this question in my mail a little while ago, but it's taken me a considerable amount of time to figure out how exactly I'd answer. I hope it's okay that I post this on here, by the way.

All right. Well. After I read your question, I sighed, because that is one doozy of a question. Because it's kind of simple, but at the same time, it's not.

I agree 100% with your signature's definition of 'hopeless romantic', absolutely. And I think that pretty much sums up the general definition.

However, although you probably didn't exactly intend it that way, this question also made me wonder why I call myself Hopeless Romantic in the first place, and why I consider myself a hopeless romantic.

Here's the thing. I made this blog basically at the very very end of my 8th grade year. I was distraught, heartbroken, over my crush (Ricky Bobby)--whom I believed, at the time, had finally started to feel the same--that had moved away. I needed a release, some way of knowing that I wasn't alone, that I wasn't the one only who'd felt so cold and utterly rejected.
I most likely didn't know the full meaning of the term 'hopeless romantic' at the time, to be honest with you. All I knew was that up to that point, out of all the boys I liked, no one ever liked me back, and Hopeless Romantic sounded dramatic. I kid you not. I was basically still at that point where I thought that since I had never had a boyfriend and I was almost in high school, I would NEVER have a boyfriend, and I'd be alone FOREVER and adopt 295738 cats. Or chihuahuas. Or maybe I'd buy every goldfish in town and make my house into a goldfish aquarium and every morning as I fed them all I'd make fish faces at them to say good morning.
THE POINT BEING. I was heartbroken and lonely and boyfriendless. Sounded legit to me.

The irony is, I feel more like a 'hopeless romantic' now. Even after having a few boys 'like me', for a lack of a better word. Even after I've been in online school and I've gotten to know me, the true me. In fact, I think that's why I feel that way.

I think I'd call myself a Hopeless Romantic because I've always believed in the ideal of love.
I'd always been that little girl that played dress up in pretend princess dresses and wedding gowns, and even as I got older, I saw romances in movies and on TV and I always believed that love was this unexplainable, all-consuming magic. That it just happens, and suddenly you're not the same person, that the plain, raggedy Cinderella turns into a sort of royalty. That once you fell in love with someone, it was forever, and their adoration would be unchanging and unwavering forever.
But then I grew up.

And more recently than ever, I've started to realize that true love isn't this unreachable magical, mythical thing and then BOOM--just happens. It's not just a noun, it's a verb. It's raw and life-altering, sometimes not in the good way. It's sometimes very painful. It takes work, and I mean, tons of work, to make it last sometimes. And it's scary. Because once you give someone your everything, once they know every little detail about you (and vice versa), so much that they know the exact way you think, the way you breathe, the way you blink, they also have the power to absolutely destroy you.

I've seen a good amount of happy couples in love. Do I believe that successful long-term relationships founded on love exist? Absolutely. But I certainly don't believe that they're so easy to find, just around the corner for everybody. I also think they're rare to find. My grandparents, for example, were married for 56 years before my grandfather died October 2009. They'd been high school sweethearts. I've seen evidence right in front of me that two people, if they truly and deeply love each other, can stay together, despite everything.
But I've also seen some couples fall out of love, even after a seemingly long time. The ones that appear as if every time they're together, it's like peeling off a bandaid slowly. Ones that can hardly stand the sight of each other anymore, but it's almost as if they have no option but to stay with each other. Because they hardly know any other way to live. They have no choice.

Realizing this has made me realize that the fairytale love I waited for when I was younger, the kind I dreamed of, doesn't exist. It can't. Not in the real world, not in true life. And seeing it shatter to pieces in front of me fills me with a kind of despair. And it's very hard for me to accept.
I think it's so hard for me because it's another part of growing up, which I know is inevitable for everybody, but it's still hard none the less.

I still dream of that love sometimes, which is why I still consider myself a hopeless romantic. But the difference is now I know that that's all they are, dreams. Not reality.

This was probably a much longer answer than you anticipated, Luis. But I had a lot to say, as usual. Haha. Thanks for sending it in, by the way.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Near Panic Attacks and All That Good Stuff}
Friday, June 3, 2011 | 9:10 PM | 1Comment

Internet. What have I done?

So. Since the last entry, I've still texted Drew everyday all day. And we talk about pretty much everything. Heck, I'm texting him as we speak.

And things are...well. I don't really know how things are. I mean, they're going great. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't even text me this often if they weren't.
But that's the thing. I'm starting to think that they're going too well.

Over the past few days, we've happened to talk about the different bookstores in town, like I'd mentioned last entry. I also mentioned last entry how he'd said, casually, that we should go to one together. After that one time, he mentioned it once again.
Both times, I said sure, because it was all out in the open and no commitment yet, just at some indefinite time in the future, no big deal. Right?

Um. Well. Yeah, until he brought it up yesterday again. And for real this time.

Before I go there, I should say that yesterday, he talked about some more serious things, more serious topics than we'd ever talked about before.
I dropped the big one on him, and by big one I mean the fact that I've never had a boyfriend before. Only I tried to make it sound more casual, more like, 'I've never really dated anyone before,' instead of, 'I'VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND WHY AM I SO ALONE' or something to that effect. And he was completely cool about it, saying, "Not weird at all, probably for the best."

And then he told me a super personal story about how bad his last relationship was. To be fair, though, I asked, so he was just answering my question. Basically, it was all about how he dated this girl who his best friend (a lesbian) had gone out with her first (therefore causing him to hide this dating relationship from his best friend), and how his ex was this psycho goth chick that flirted and made out with anything with two legs (all behind his back during their 9 month relationship) and then proceeded to sleep with this 30 year old dude and start a thing with him, thereby ending her relationship with Drew.

Okay. Did that shock you as much as it shocked me? Because it shocked the hell out of me.

I mean not that I expected it to be a story with rainbows and sunshine, but it really caught me off guard. I feel like it would be something I'd see on Secret Life (by the way, I'm so unimpressed by that show lately. Before, it was so bad that it was good, now it's just really bad.)

I didn't even know what to say. It was an extremely personal story, something that he had trusted me enough to tell me. And this threw me for a huge loop.

One thing about me, Internet, that I'm not proud of at all is that I can be extremely selfish in my dealings with other people sometimes. I'll start getting to know someone new (and anyone, not just guys), the real them, and then they'll tell me something so dark and heavy and personal about themselves, and for some reason, I'll start to pull away from them. It's like I can't handle the full reality of them, like I expect everyone else to be perfect and flawless and have perfect lives. And then when I find out that they aren't, my entire image of them shatters, and I suddenly want nothing to do with them.

I don't know why I do this, I really don't. And I hate that I do. It's like some part of me that I can't help.
I haven't always been like this, though. All of my closest friends, I've accepted them with my whole heart. It's just been as of late, and I can really only think of 2 instances of when I've done this before. But maybe it's because I'm older now, and I'm generally more wary of everyone, less trusting. I don't know.

So, after I learn this new bit of information, I feel like there's this new expectation of me. This brand new, heavy expectation is on my shoulders now, and to be honest, it freaks me the hell out.

I finally reply, telling him how sorry I am that he had to go through that, all the while trying to sound like it didn't freak me out in the slightest, even though it kind of did.

After that, he kind of switches the subject back to me, and I can tell it's kind of a sore subject for him, which is totally understandable. He asks about the guys I almost came close to dating, and I tell him all about Ricky Bobby (very, very briefly), the other legally blind Ricky Bobby that asked me out a billion times over text (reference point, here), and Phil. There are a few other insignificant small stories I could have told him about, but I didn't bother.

So then, after I finish telling him about how Phil was obsessed with his money, out of the blue, he asks, "So, when are we exploring a bookstore, hmm?"

Before, when he suggested that we go to one together, it just kind of seemed like an obligatory, 'Yeah, we're friends! Let's prove it to the world by hanging out and taking 1000 pictures of us together to put on Facebook!" One of those things that most people talk about doing, but rarely ever mean.

I just assumed this was one of those. I just assumed he would keep saying this, feeling obligated to say it, and then one day he'd officially get bored of me and it would never happen.

But then here this was, right in front of my face.

I tried to bullshit out of it. "Hmm, I don't know! I'm busy the rest of this week and this weekend, so I'm not sure. When would be good for you?" (Yeah, me. Busy. Uh huh. Busy catching up on the shows on my DVR.) After he told me in about a week or two, I said, "Well, whatever works is cool with me!" all while intending to say that I was busy for whatever day he'd say. But he figured me out.

"Lol. Figure out a day and which bookstore and how we're doing it. :P"

I must have gaped at my phone for an entire five minutes. Damn it, he was good.
So then, I go into full-on panic mode and text Best Friend Rose an entire caps-lock rant, and the gist of it's a little something like, "DREW WANTS TO MEET HE WANTS TO MEET OH MY FREAKING GOD TELL ME WHAT TO DO JDGJGDJGDJG HELP MEEEEEEEEE"

I had to send it like 4 times because for some irritating reason, Best Friend Rose decided at that very vital moment to either have her phone away from her or be distracted. Then, when she finally replied, I gave her a little more explanation, and then she very cruelly decided that it would do me some good for her not to tell me how to handle my guy problems for once.
And then I nearly threw my phone across the room, wanting very badly to hire a voodoo priest to make a voodoo doll BFR so I could throw M&M's at it and then real M&M's would fly at real Best Friend Rose's face and she'd keep wondering where in the world those M&M's were coming from. That would show her. Mmhmm.

So after about 45 minutes of intense thought, and torturing myself over what to say, I finally gave in, telling him that anytime after this weekend I would be free, and that we could meet there.

And so he picks Tuesday.

TUESDAY. FUCKING NEXT TUESDAY.

Excuse the language, but I thought it was pretty appropriate, considering this is the moment when I feel my heart squeeze and then drop like a tightly closed fist into my stomach.

So what do I say? No? No! I can't say no, because I do want to meet him. I swear I do. We have tons in common, get along really well, and I'm pretty sure I would hate myself if I don't take this chance, because I knew I'd regret it if I didn't. So I say that it's fine. And I feel something crawling up my throat and a wave of nausea hits me.

Shortly after that, he tells me goodnight, and he goes to bed. And I start to get dizzy, start to feel tears stinging the back of my throat. Why?

Because I'm terrified.

I can honestly say that I've hardly ever felt a fear like that before, Internet.
I can't put my finger on why the panic hit me so suddenly. Maybe it was because I'm terrified of change, terrified of not knowing things, terrified of not feeling in control, and this situation involved all three.

Maybe it was because this whole thing became a lot more real than I ever thought it would.

I usually cry to relieve stress when I'm overwhelmed, or when I'm panicking. Both of which I felt at that moment. I did okay at first. Only cried for about a few minutes. I did alright.
Until this morning. Because right when I woke up, I remembered exactly what worries had kept me awake for quite a while the night before. And I walked straight downstairs to talk with my mom. And I flipped out. Full-on sobbing, shaking, getting dizzy, everything. And I told her everything.

Mind you, me and my mom are thisclose. She's one of my best friends, I swear, and I talk to her about everything.
So we talk about this, after her trying to get me to calm down (which didn't work, because I probably cried for an hour straight anyway) and we both decide that I'm definitely not ready to meet him Tuesday. After telling me that she was willing to give me a ride there (which I'd need either way because I still don't have my license), she tells me that she could probably only do it during the weekday about two weeks from now, since she has work. This sounds a lot more graspable to me.

So in the end, I told Drew today that next week wouldn't work after all, and that I could probably do the week after. He was fine with it, to my relief. I didn't want him to think I was canceling because I wasn't interested in meeting him, because I am. Like, I really am. Probably more than I should be.

I'm still nervous and scared as hell, but I've calmed down a lot, considering I finally stopped crying like a big fat ridiculous crybaby. But is this considered a date? I have NO IDEA.

It sounds more like hanging out, just a kind of getting-to-know-you thing, but even then, thinking about it still makes me want to throw up.

At this point, I don't even know what's going on. I thought he wasn't interested in me in that way at all. Not the slightest bit.
But the past few days he's gotten a bit...not flirtier, really. Maybe. More open, I guess? He's been joking with me and teasing me more, but that doesn't say anything, not really.

But THEN two days ago, completely randomly and out of the blue, he sent me a goodnight text. A goodnight text message. Do guy friends do that? And he seems like he really wants to meet me. A lot. Why?

I'm so confused Internet. I'm completely lost. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Ever. I don't know what to do.

I'm starting to think that maybe I bit off more than I could chew.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Blog-a-versaries and New Starts}
Monday, May 30, 2011 | 3:22 PM | 2Comment

INTERNET. I'M FREE.

Yes. I'm free from the hellish, insane clutches of the last few weeks of school. Thank god because I literally thought I was about to die. Or have a spontaneous nervous breakdown in front of hundreds of strangers, complete with sobbing, shrieking, and breaking nearby objects.

But I didn't! I feel reborn! :D

I did have a certain unfortunate mishap with one of my finals, but I'm in the summer spirit right now, so I'll get to that later, I promise.

But besides that, I'm super relieved and happy that it's over. Junior Year seemed at the same time super quick and sluggish. And it was also both manageable and painfully challenging. But it's all over now.

Now I can focus on writing and reading for fun instead of for school! :D
(Don't you love my outrageous nerdiness?)

I can also watch k-dramas until the sun rises! And watch movies whenever I want! And hang out with my friends 24/7 if I want! I LOVE SUMMER.

Speaking of love, Internet, I have some important updates. I suppose I should start here: last Monday was my 3rd blog-a-versary!
I didn't have time to make a commemorative blog entry for it (that and I also kind of maybe forgot), but still, here we are, on my 80th entry. Last year on my blog-a-versary, it was when I had just found out that Ricky Robby was moving back. Interesting what can happen in a year, isn't it?

Back then I was still getting used to the idea of him being back here, and now a year later, I've seen him again, basically got kicked to the side again, got over him, and now I...have a new crush?

HONESTY TIME INTERNET.

I know I said I wasn't taking the whole online dating OKCupid thing seriously. And I'm still not. In fact, I haven't logged on there for the past 3 days, I kind of loathe it because I'm so popular with the weird guys and pervs and I don't know why. I mean I wrote all over my profile about how nerdy I am and the nerdy things I do, and somehow people still want to talk to me. I don't get it. Maybe that's their thing? (That's so creepy oh my god.)

But. But. The guy I started talking to. Not the 22 year old from Michigan. I probably stopped talking to him a few days after my last entry. Nothing exciting there.
Not him. But the 19 year old from one city over. The one that I talk about nerdy stuff with.

I think he deserves a nickname, because I have a feeling I'm going to be talking about him on here for a while. We'll call him Drew.

Drew and I, after about a good 3 weeks of talking back and forth on OKC, finally exchanged numbers on Friday, so we could text. The past 3 days, we've texted all day.

.....

All day.

The reason why this is such a huge deal is because I don't text anybody all day. Sometimes Best Friend Rose, on occasion. But especially not guys. In fact the last guy I texted before Drew was Johnny, and that was just to thank him for my birthday voicemail.
...Actually, I can't even recall the last guy I texted recently before Johnny.

This just doesn't happen.

The first day we texted I shrieked and giggled every time I got a message from him. And I tried very desperately to get a hold of myself every time I did it because for God's sake I don't even know him. I haven't even met him.

But just the idea that I've been texting a guy, a guy that seemingly wants to talk to me in the first place, it's kind of...unsettling to me. In a good way. I think.

I don't know. I just...never expected this to ever happen in the first place, so now that it actually might be, I don't even know how I feel.

This isn't like whenever I happened to text with Phil (which I can literally count on one hand), and every single time, it would be like, "Hey whats up?" "Not much, you?" "Nm either." "Cool." "Cool." -End Conversation-.

Every time I talk to him, it's like I'm talking to an actual person. Like, not just a shallow 'conversation' when they're either talking to you because their bored or they're obligated to. I feel like he's actually interested about my life. It's real conversation. It shouldn't be something that's so rare, but it is. And this is honestly the first time I've ever been able to talk to a guy that way.

I told him about my online school. He didn't think it was weird. I told him about how I want to be a writer. He didn't ask why, or even give me the "So...how are you going to make that a living?" response that I've begun to get used to. He thought it was really cool, and even wanted to read a short story of mine sometime in the future. I've told him about my unnatural obsession with Asia. He was cool about it, and even admitted he really liked Asian culture when he was younger.

This is bad, Internet. Very bad.

I just. I JUST. I DON'T KNOW.

Like just a few entries ago I was talking about I DON'T WANT TO DATE and JANE AUSTEN and WOE IS ME and RELATIONSHIPS SUCK but now....this?

No matter what, I'm not going to get my hopes up. No way.
This is what I've been trying so hard to avoid. I can't make myself vulnerable. I can't set myself up for this. I'm not ready.

For all I know, he could just be thinking that he found a good nerd buddy to talk about stuff with while he's bored at his job. He hasn't even flirted with me.

Well...I mean, I'm oblivious and untalented in the flirting department, and I couldn't even flirt with a wall, but I'm pretty sure I'd realize when someone is flirting with me. Most of the time I do. Mostly because it's really rare, and moments like that for me are like finding Waldo.

But I don't think he has. He's just really...nice. And friendly. So, this isn't definite. Nothing is definite yet. So I'm not getting my hopes up.

One thing worth noting, though, is this: After telling me about all the used bookstores in town (which I had NO IDEA about), and me telling him how much I wanted to visit them after he told me about them, he said, and I quote, "If we ever get acquainted enough we'll definitely go to one. Probably all of them. :P"

Not getting my hopes up. Hopes are not up. They are most definitely not up. They're down, way down, on the ground, where they should be. Okay.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Let the Online Shenanigans begin?}
Saturday, May 14, 2011 | 7:52 PM | 2Comment

Well, Internet.

I'm in the midst of my last weeks of school, and so far this weekend, all I've done is prepare for finals. (All the while studying so hard I could swear that I'm losing hair.) But what was it that I came to tell you about today?

Hmm. Well, probably the fact that I made a profile on an online dating website.

...OKAY, OKAY HOLD ON. Let me start at the beginning, here.

So, it started the day after I wrote my last entry. I was still kind of emotional, kind of tired, and really bored. I was going through this old website account I'd found back from when I was in middle school, one where I used to talk to guys all the time (reference point, Secret #2.) It was pretty entertaining to go through old pictures and my old profile and stuff. And then, out of nowhere, it hit me.
I'm 18 now. I can sign up for dating websites like eHarmony and Match.

Now, mind you, I'm not or will I ever be willing to pay money to meet people online. No freaking way. Because not only do I not have money to begin with, but if I did I wouldn't be spending it to pay people to find a boyfriend for me. No. Just. No.

So, at this point, curiosity was beginning to get to me, so I decided to just take a look at them. Skipping the pay websites, I went to ones like Plentyoffish, the Craigslist personals(but then I remembered the Craigslist killer and promptly left) and in a lapse of judgment, one of those absurd disgusting Friend Finder websites that I am NEVER again in my life going back to.

Finally, I found OKCupid. I found good reviews for it, and it seemed decent from the outside. I also talked to one of my online friends (we'll call her Trudy, I met her on Twitter like two years ago, and we've been friends ever since!) and she's been on there for a while, and she likes it.

So, I figured, eh. Why not? It wouldn't kill me. It seemed reliable. And after all, I was just curious.

So I made an OKCupid account on impulse. And within the first hour of signing up, I got my first message. I wasn't even finished filling in my profile, and they messaged me.
Pretty wary, right? Especially since I had only had my picture up. And it turned out I had every right to be suspicious, because he turned out to be a douche.

But it's been...interesting so far.

On my profile, I specifically put that I'm only looking for new friends, not relationships. And yet, I've already been asked out by 3 guys who barely even took the time to get to know me. And one that straight up asked me what I was wearing. Gross.
And most of them are either boring, pervy, or kind of annoying. Just like real life.

But so far, I've talked to two guys that seem to know the meaning of 'new friends'.
One is a 19 year old that lives one city over, and we've been talking about every sort of nerdy thing you could imagine. I'm talking books, authors, writing, comics, manga, science fiction, you name it. And he's very polite. It's nice talking to someone that I have passions in common with.

And then the other guy I'm talking to is 22, but I keep forgetting the age difference. He moved here from Michigan about a month and a half ago. We don't have that much in common, to be honest, but he's very nice and friendly, and it's fun talking to him. And not once has he mentioned anything that made me uncomfortable, which is a point in my book.

So. Yeah. I don't expect anything out of this, and I'm definitely not taking it seriously. I don't intend on meeting anyone in person. But at least it'll make things a bit more interesting, eh?

And lately I've been tired of not doing, well, anything lately. So this should shake things up, at least.

I still don't want to date at all right now. In fact, I don't want to date for a while. But at least it'll be a good reminder for me that not all guys are bad. In fact, there are good ones. I just have to look past all the nasties.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Fear of Falling in Love or Being in Love. (Secret #5)}
Monday, May 2, 2011 | 5:26 PM | 3Comment

Also known as Philophobia.

I have a confession, Internet. There's been something weighing heavy on my mind lately.

It used to be something that only came to bother me every once in a while. It would come, and I'd wave it off, and all was well again. But now that I'm starting to get older, it's bothering me a lot more. I've tried to shake it off, but it's like this huge, ominous, encroaching feeling creeping up on me, and I'm starting to think that I can't help it.

I think I'm starting to develop some kind of negative complex with love.

Now, I know what you're thinking (or maybe I don't, but oh well). 'Hopeless Romantic? Having a negative complex with love? YEAH. OKAY.'

That's what I'd think, too. Heck, this whole blog is dedicated to my misadventures with likes and loves and what have you. My freakin' pen name is 'Hopeless Romantic', for crying out loud.

But it's something I've noticed more and more lately. I'll watch a romance movie, and I'll cringe during the sappy parts that are supposed to make me cry (which I never used to do). I can barely stand to listen to love ballads (which I lived for). I can feel myself starting to resent males in general (not good).

And if those weren't indicative enough, here's the doozy: Everytime I start to picture what my first relationship could be like, where I used to think about great things happening, and feeling excited for them, now I think of them and I'm completely repulsed.
I'll think about my possible first kiss, how nervous I could be when it happens, how awful it could be, and I suddenly don't want one. Ever. I don't even want to try.

Or I'll think about bringing my first boyfriend to come meet my family, and I'm horrified. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but suddenly seeing it from that perspective, it seems too scary and embarrassing and I don't even want to think about it.

And then I'll think about how I'll constantly have to worry about little annoying girl things, like keeping my legs shaven, and how I'll have to exfoliate like every freaking day because if he wants to kiss me he'll be close enough to see like every single one of my pores and it sounds RIDICULOUS, I know, but my skin isn't completely clear or perfect and it's one of my biggest insecurities. And having someone that close to me, close enough to see my pores, close enough to see that teeny little hair on my upper lip that I just happened to miss with my tweezers, close enough that they can see the lines in my irises, it freaks me the hell out.

I had a dream last night, and I remember every single moment of it. It's resonated with me the entire day. In the dream, I was out shopping with Best Friend Rose. It was just her and I, and we were downtown somewhere, somewhere with tons of shops and tall buildings and stuff. Maybe a large city. We decided to stop in this larger department store, but then Rose had to go to the bathroom, so she told me to wait while she ran out to the bathroom, somewhere. So I was standing there with my hands full of shopping bags, right? And I'm just gazing around, looking at stuff, when I see this tall blonde guy standing about 15 feet away, just staring at me. Not in a 'woooo who's that hot shawty over thurr' way, more like the 'I'm a serial killer and I just found my next victim' kind of way. Like, he just stares at me blankly. And I start to get nervous, because here is where I finally noticed that I'm suddenly alone in store, all alone, and this psycho is staring at me all creepily.

And then he starts to walk towards me. Apparently BFR is pretty much forgotten at this point (sorry Rosie) and I immediately start to make my way toward the doors. I push them open, walking fast, and after I'm about ten feet away from the store, I hear him push through the doors too. Great. Psycho is following me, and I'm all alone on the sidewalks. Because somehow, despite being in some big city, the streets and sidewalks are basically empty, except for a bunch of parked cars. No witnesses.

I start to walk even faster. And I risk one look over my shoulder to see if I'm losing him. I'm not. In fact, he's only about 15 feet away. And all of a sudden, I come to this realization that he's my ex boyfriend. In dream land he is, I suppose. I distinctly remember him having longish blonde hair, and being very, very attractive. But it didn't discount the fact that he was glaring at me like his eyes were going to pierce through me. So I break into a run, dropping my shopping bags altogether.

"Get away," I yell at him, kind of feebly.

He replies, "I just want to talk," in the way that the killer in a movie says to their victims, 'I'm not going to hurt you,' before they kill them.

I feel like I'm not getting away from him fast enough, and I try to run fast, but I can't. Even while knowing that this is my ex boyfriend, and not a stranger serial rapist killer, I'm still terrified to death of him. It literally feels like I'm running for my life.

Suddenly he says, in an ominous change of tone, "You can't get away from me, Sarah."

I try to run faster again, and can't. It's like I'm running in sand. "Leave me alone," I scream. "Get away from me!"

"You can try to run, but it won't work. I'll find you. I'll always find you." He says calmly. "You belong to me, Sarah. You'll always belong to me."

I scream again, something unintelligible. Suddenly, I spot a Forever 21 with tons of cars parked in front, tons of people inside. I tear toward the door, throw it open, and careen inside. I go straight to the front desk. "I'm being stalked," I say to the girl on the other side. "Is there some place I can hide?"

She immediately points to the employee door at the far end of the store, and I quickly make my way to it. I jump inside, and as I turn around to close the door behind me, I see Crazy Ex-Boyfriend run into the store, searching for me. I shut the door. The employee area is empty and quiet, and when I listen closely, I can hear everything going on inside the store.

It suddenly sounds as if the store has gone empty, and I only hear the Crazy Sauce ask the employees if they saw a girl like me(all the while still calling me his girlfriend. Hah!). All of them knowing, of course, that I was hiding from him, they all play dumb and say no. I swear for a few seconds that I hear his heavy footsteps come closer and closer to the other side of the door, but he never opens it.

Instead, I suddenly hear my mom, my dad, and Rosie come in, all sounding panicked, probably looking for me. As soon as they see Crazy Man, they call him by name in surprise. They ask him if he's seen me (because apparently they don't know about his insane tendencies of stalking?). He answers, faking worry and concern, that he'd been trying to talk to me, but that I kept running away. He tells them that he has no idea where I am, and they all respond worriedly.

For some reason I stay in the small room until I hear that all of them have left the store, and I come out finally. I look around paranoid, and then I look at the employees. "He's gone, right?" I ask to confirm. They nod slowly at me, and they're looking at me strangely, like they think that maybe I just made the whole stalking thing up.

And then suddenly I see Ex-Boyfriend walk past the store windows again, looking like he was still searching around for me. His face is pinched with worry. And then somehow the dream flips perspectives, and I see the dream through his eyes. And I understand everything perfectly, differently.

Now I was the ex-boyfriend, worried like hell for the girl he still loves, the girl who always pushes him away.

When I woke up from that dream, I was extremely unsettled. Not only because it was one heckuva dream, but because that is one of my fears.

I'm scared that someday I will fall in love with someone who loves me back, and I'll lose control. Scared that I'll get too attached too fast, and one day I'll wake up, terrified, realizing what I've gotten myself into, and I'll push them far away from me. I'm scared that they'll use me and crush my soul in their fist. I'm scared that I'll love them, and that they're actually just merely 'interested'. I'm scared that it will be love, true love, amazing love, and then an accident will happen and they'll be taken from me forever.

I think I'm so scared of love because it ends. It always seems to end. Something always happens. Someone cheats, or someone loses interest completely, or someone dies before the other. And the thought of going through that pain scares me so honestly that it makes me want to cry.

I don't want to be one of those people that never does anything because of their fear.
But lately I can honestly say that the thought of any of those happening is enough to make me question if I ever want to go through something like that. It doesn't sound worth it. And I've had no reason to personally believe that it is.

It's funny, because in Middle School, I would have killed to have a boyfriend. It was almost everything to me. But now, after I've gotten older and realized the painful repercussions of love, I cringe whenever I think of having one. I used to be afraid of being alone forever, but now I'm honestly starting to think I might be better off alone.

It sounds ridiculous and melodramatic, but maybe it's the best thing. Jane Austen never got married, and she turned out okay. Great, even. Maybe that's how it will be for me.

I'll see if this passes. Maybe this is just a weird mood I've been in with my stress lately. I suppose we'll see.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(P.S. I finally added comments for each entry and Older Posts Newer Posts links. I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out!)

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Month One of My Legal Adult Life Down, 984 to Go.}
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 | 9:38 PM | 0Comment

Internet, so much has happened in my first month of being 18 that I can't even begin to tell you.

Lol okay, not really. Nothing too exciting, per say,(as in any boy news and such) but you know me, I'm gonna tell you anyway.

First, my birthday. It was probably the best birthday I've had since my 15th birthday (15th was an 80's theme, I kid you not. 8o's music galore, big hair, a basement decorated with so many balloons and streamers you would not believe it, and 13 Going On 30. Best birthday party ever.)
I didn't have a party, but I kind of hate parties now, so. (I used to love parties. Now I cringe when I hear the word. I think it was High School that made me hate them and all things associated with them.)

BUT, I did 1.) Go to the bookstore. My freaking haven. I would have been satisfied with just this alone, seriously.
2.) Go Chick-Fil-A for lunch, mostly just so I could have their glorious fries.
3.) Get a new rug and lamp for my room. I'm just finishing redecorating it, and it's red and black and epicness.
4.) Get a freaking IPOD TOUCH. Which is a relief, as well as being exciting, because my old grandpa iPod had lived with me since the 7th grade and it was slowly approaching the last of its days. I could barely listen to music with it off the charger, and the battery would die within 45 minutes. Sad to see it go (I get sentimental, okay? Haha), but I love my new iPod. It's all touch-screeny and high tech. I feel like I'm finally in 2011 now. Yay for technological advances!
5.) Have dinner at Red Lobster (my favorite restaurant forever) with Best Friend Rose, Jazz (more on that later), and my parents. Delicious. And it was awesome of them to come even with school the next day, since we had different Spring Breaks.
6.) Have a cookies and Cream ice cream cake with a big fat '18' candle on it.
7.) Get a new big fat bow headband, new leggings, Hello Kitty lights and a Harry Potter notebook from Best Friend Rose. (I practically screamed from joy when I saw them. She knows me so eerily well sometimes, it freaks me out. Seriously. But in a good way.)
8.) Watch k-dramas until I fell asleep.

It was seriously THE BEST birthday I've had since my 15th. Beats my birthday last year by a long shot. I just remember going to bed with the biggest smile on my face. And it meant even more because things are particularly tight for my family right now (well, things are always tight, but even more right now) and it meant the world to me that even though we're going through a rough time financially, my parents still put in all this effort for me to have a good birthday.
It meant the world.

So, AWESOME birthday. Then came four days later when I got the stomach flu for the second time in six months.
Yes. I somehow got the stomach flu again. And it was waaaay worse this time. I survived, obviously, but man did that suck.

You know what else sucks? Doing the ACTs within days of having the stomach flu.
YES INTERNET. I had to do my ACTs the weekend after being sick, meaning that I had just begun to stop feeling like a sore, dizzy stick figure. (I lost 8 pounds when I was sick. I looked like a lollipop having a terrible hair day. Assuming I would have hair as a lollipop, for some reason.)

I think I did decently, well hopefully. It's all kind of a blur. But I did happen to see a guy there that went to my old school, who I've known since the 6th grade, and we sat together and talked during break. It was a nice surprise to see someone I knew there, and it was sweet of him to even come over at all. It was very nice.

So after that nightmare, a few days later, I went shopping for spring clothes with giftcards that I got for my birthday. Shopping is always relevant, period.

And so since all of that, I've been busy catching up from being sick for 3 days and keeping pace with my schoolwork. And it's been good.

One thing that's (kind of) notable, though, is the voicemail from Johnny and Ricky Bobby from last entry. I haven't talked to either of them since November, so it really came as a surprise to me. A pleasant surprise, actually. I thought they'd forgotten all about me.
I also got a birthday wall post from Ricky Bobby, one that said, "happy birthday, sarah!!!!!!!" with that many exclamation points. It was cool of them to remember, or see the notification on Facebook, at least. (Which I only recently found out, like within the past hour, that RB deleted. Yup. Deleted his Facebook. He goes through these love/hate stages with social networking sites, he deletes his and then makes a new one like three months later. I swear. Don't ask why, I have no idea. But that was my last means of contact with him, besides Johnny, so idk.)

I didn't call Johnny back, so now he probably things that he didn't have the right number in the first place, but oh well.
I can tell what you're thinking, Internet. I'm going to blow this way out of proportion, like last time. (see entries from last april through july-ish) I'm going to over-analyze everything and pick apart every word from that voicemail. Right? Am I right?

Well, I surprisingly haven't. After I got it, not gonna lie, I thought about it a little while, but then I moved on.

I'm doing pretty dang okay, Internet. I'd say I'm doing pretty dang okay.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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A Belated Birthday Voicemail (courtesy of Johnny and Ricky Bobby):}
| 9:55 AM | 1Comment

Johnny: SARAH. SARAAAAH. Okay say what you want to say to Sarah.
Ricky Bobby: Saraaaah. Happy birthday.
Johnny: Yo so I never wished you Happy Birthday, but here's my late like re--my like--my re--oh, Ricky Bobby says hi. But I say happy birthday. Ricky Bobby says--Eli says--(huffs impatiently) there's too many people talking. But we all say hi and Happy Birthday.
Ricky Bobby: (mumbling incoherently to Johnny in the background)
Johnny: And um, we gotta--(to Ricky Bobby)make out or hang out?--hang out. Yeah.
Ricky Bobby: (telling Johnny to say something)
Johnny: And--(snickering) She has to buy porn for Ricky Bobby. (Aside from the phone) Dude there's a penis still on my roof. (Into the phone) OH I'm still on the phone. Hahaha. (Aside again) Oh you know I saw Jessica at that dinner thing. Yeah like, yesterday, actually.
Someone in the background: (talking to him)
Johnny: Oh! Hahah (In the phone again) Anyway um, yeah. So, call me back. I hope this is still your number. (laughing in the background) Kay bye! (click)

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