There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
if you'd like to be listed here, let me know!
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Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Internet! Wow! 7 years!

First of all, I wanna apologize for no anniversary entry last year. My hiatus from late '13 to early '14 was not a particularly good time for me, and I also had felt somewhat guilty for not posting for so long. The future of the blog seemed uncertain to me, and I wasn't much in the mood to celebrate.

So, to make up for missing last year, this year we'll have TWO CAKES. Hope you saved room. And, hey, look! My name!




7 years tomorrow, on the 22nd. Seven. SEVEN.

That length of time is absolutely crazy to me. Like I've reiterated in each and every anniversary post, when I'd started this blog at age 15, I never expected it to last this long. I never even expected it to last half this long.

I honestly attribute my survival of high school to the existence of this blog. Seriously. If I hadn't had this place to just vent about everything and be truly myself, I would have truly lost it.

And all of you are part of that. To my old readers and new readers, thank you. Your support, your input, even just you reading my whiny ass novel length entries is so reassuring to me in every single way. It makes me feel like maybe I'm not so crazy, and that maybe I'm not so alone in this big lonely world. Thank you all again. I hope to remain your always-worrying-always-ranting Hopeless Romantic for as long as possible.

I intend on blogging more regularly this year again, because I miss being able to be free on here. And in celebration of this 7th blog-a-versary, I decided to finally--FINALLY--add social media buttons to the sidebar.

GASP.

I know! About time, right?? I think I may have finally brought this blog forward into the social media age, officially. Now you guys can share my blog on Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, and Facebook. And I hope that you will! Since I don't have the money for ads, this is the best way I can get exposure/visitors. Plus, ads suck, amirite?

I may work on adding individual Twitter sharing buttons to each entry as well. (Also I was thinking about adding a Facebook like button...yes? No? Good idea? Bad idea? Too commercial maybe? Would not getting likes on an entry feel like not getting likes on Instagram?)

Anyway, I look forward to posting often and interacting more with you guys again! Let's do this!

EDIT: I decided to make a very new, very scary foray into the social media sphere as a blogger! Follow me on twitter: @xohplssrmntc ♡

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: anniversary, blog stuff, fun stuff woohoo

SOS. SOS. SOS.

I don't know if it's my sleeping pill I just took, or the weariness and restlessness I feel from thinking about all of this for months...

...but. Internet. I think I'm finally willing to take the biggest risk I've ever taken in my whole life.

I'm asking you guys out there, any of you that still read my blog: should I send it?

Should I send the letter?

Should I risk humiliation, vulnerability, a loss of pride and security and years of carefulness and send this letter to Ricky Bobby?

I've never ever ever taken a risk like this before, not with anybody. But I want closure so bad I could cry. After 7 whole years, I want so badly to move on. To get all of this out of me so I can move on with my life. Finally.

Even if he laughs in my face. Even if he shows the world how clingy and desperate and obsessive I look. I have to move on. Somehow. And this may be the only way I can.

Internet. Should I do it? Give me an answer. Please. Any answer. Help me decide if I should or if I'm being totally theatrical and insane like I can be some times.

Be honest with me. Please. Should I do it?

Help.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: EMERGENCY, HELP, ricky bobby

Dear Ricky Bobby,

Hey. It's been a while, hasn't it?

First of all, I want to say that I hope you've been okay. Life can really be cruel sometimes, but I hope that it's been mostly kind to you, and that all of the good outweighs the bad.

You may be wondering why I wrote this letter to you after not speaking to or even seeing you for so long. I'm not good at expressing myself face to face, and I'm a better speaker in writing, so this is the easiest way for me to say important things. I have a few apologies to make to you. In truth, I should have written this letter years ago, but I was so caught up in the lies I told myself that I couldn't admit to what was true.
I'm gonna try not to sound overly formal with this whole letter, but that's kinda hard for me at times. Also, a lot of this has been building up inside of me for the past few months now, so I kind of have a lot to say.

None of this is easy for me to talk about at all, but I think it's important that I do. Don't feel pressured to reply to this, you really don't have to. I'll be honest and say that this letter is mostly for me to get stuff off my chest. So no worries, ok?

I've been thinking about some things over the past half year or so, while trying to be honest with myself, and I've realized a thing or two.

Firstly, I'm sorry that I never told you, to your face, that I was in love with you. You heard from plenty of other people, hell, from every other person in the world besides me. And that wasn't fair of me. So many things got misconstrued that way, and I believe that my feelings for you were interpreted wrongly sometimes. You weren't just some crush to me, Ricky Bobby, and you deserve to know that. Everyone deserves to know that they're special to somebody. I'm sorry I never mustered up the courage to tell you, even when I really, really wanted to. Like when you were moving away and I was saying goodbye to you, and like when you came back and we were alone one or two times and I had all the opportunity to.

Second, I'm sorry I was afraid. Back in the 8th grade, I had super low self esteem. In high school, it improved slightly, but I was still insecure and really afraid of rejection. I was still growing as a person in a lot of ways, and I don't think that I was ready to go out with anybody then.

And when you moved back, I realized that I still had feelings for you. After trying a whole 2 years to forget about you and move on, that terrified me. It terrified me even more that we hung out at those football games and my feelings were stronger than ever. I was hoping that when you moved back, I would show you that I was over you and you weren't a big deal to me anymore, and that's not what happened. I was scared of the direction things maybe might have been heading in(or probably might not have been, to this day I'm still not completely sure either way. I never really could figure you out, and I mean that as a compliment.) and I knew that in the future, if you were to show any sort of interest in me in return, I wouldn't have been able to hide my feelings anymore, which meant that I would be vulnerable. Being vulnerable has always been uncomfortable for me. I'm sorry I was so prideful.

So, I kind of pushed you and Johnny away. I avoided you, hoping that if I pretended that you didn't exist and pretended that you meant nothing to me, it would be easier to move on. For this immaturity, I'm also sorry.

It sort of worked for a little while. That is, until I logged onto Facebook one day, saw that you were dating someone, got super jealous and blocked you. Really sorry for that. It was bitchy, I know. But I figured you wouldn't notice, and to be fair, I don't think you did. Even if you didn't, though, I still feel guilty about it. But after you had been blocked for a while, it was easier to keep you off my mind. It also helped the jealousy stay away. For a long while, it felt like I really had moved on.

But eventually, my immaturity came back and bit me in the ass. I only just recently got the courage to unblock you and add you as a friend again. I'm over my blocking phase on Facebook now, so there'll be no more blocking now, I promise.

I lied to myself for a long time about my feelings for you. I think the seriousness of my feelings scared me. I wasn't ready to deal with those kinds of feelings, and confront them in a healthy way, and so I pushed them away. In the end, that only hurt me more, and now I'm left with these residual regrets years later. I'll probably always regret the way I handled things between us, and that's why I've written this.

I'm in this phase of my life where I'm trying to be more honest with myself than I was in the past. It's a little hard, but it's been helping me realize some things about my past and about myself. I think coming to terms with things in my life will partly come with being honest with myself and with others, and being less of a goddamn coward. Haha. I'm still working on it, but I'm doing pretty okay so far.

One last thing I want to say is that at some point, you meant a whole lot to me. It's hard to explain why when I don't even know why myself. You were the first guy I ever had really strong feelings for. I know you didn't realize it, but for me, my 8th grade year was hell. Even just waking up in the morning every day was hard, but seeing you everyday at school made it just a little bit easier. It gave me a reason to show up at school and smile and keep trying. For that, thank you. Regardless of how old I get, I'll never forget that. I hope you don't forget that either.

Because this letter is getting to be too long, I guess I'll end it here. I felt like I couldn't go my entire life without saying any of those things to you, I think I owed it to both of us to say it all. Hope it didn't weird you out.

I wish you happiness and love and health and everything that you deserve.

Always,

Sarah

((Sequel entry to this original dramatic emo entry.))

Labels: letters, life, ricky bobby, secrets

And why do they come back to haunt you at the most inconvenient times?

Internet, I need to be blatantly, even bleakly honest with you. In a way that I haven't in a while.

But first, let me tell you about this book that I just finished reading called Lola and the Boy Next Door. (WARNING!!! Many many many spoilers ahead for this book, and if you haven't read it and want to read it and don't want it to be totally and completely spoiled for you, stop reading now!!)

This book is about a few things, but MAINLY it's about a girl named Lola and the guy she has a long, complicated history with, Cricket. I read this book in a few weeks, and the entire time I read it, there were a lot of things I was feeling.

You know when you read a book, and this book just gets you? Like, it brings up all of the things you needed to hear at that exact moment in time, and it takes your feelings, puts a knife in them, and twists it over and over again? That was this book for me. I loved this book, but it was excruciating for me.

You see, in the book, Cricket is the boy that Lola loves. And he lives next door sometimes, but other times, he moves around. A lot. And the biggest part of their past that's brought up in the book is the last time Cricket moves away, and right before that when Lola falls in love with him, hard. When she was 15 years old.

Sounding familiar so far? Well, at the beginning of the book is when Cricket's family moves back from somewhere far away, after she fell in love with him, an entire two years later. When she's 17.

What? What's that you say? No, nobody wrote a book about my life. This is EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BOOK. I swear to God you guys, opening this book and reading it was like stepping into my own past.

So. You see why this book was hard for me to read?

And in addition to this: during the holidays, and New Years, for the first time in almost 3 years, I was thinking about Ricky Bobby. A lot.

You guys...this is so incredibly hard for me to admit. So humiliating for me to admit, in fact, that I almost didn't. I've been agonizing over whether to even write this entry. Still debating over whether or not to post it. (I probably will. I'll still be humiliated, though.)

Part of me is hoping that it's partly due to the holidays and such...I tend to get very nostalgic during this time of year. I was nostalgic and sad during Christmas 2013 too, but over entirely different people and for totally different reasons. So I was kinda hoping that it would just go away on its own.

Then I picked up this book with my giftcard I got for Christmas and started it. And got the reality ass-kicking of a lifetime.

To spoil how it ends (sorry), she and Cricket get their happy ending. And throughout their happy ending, all I could think about was how Ricky Bobby and I never had the chance for a happy ending.

This book brought up a whole mess of scary questions for me.

Lola took her chances and went for what she wanted. Why couldn't I have gone after what I wanted? Why was I not honest enough with myself to realize what I wanted in the first place? Cricket knew what he wanted, too. Did Ricky Bobby want me? And perhaps, by running away and breaking off contact with him because I was so scared of being hurt, did I hurt him? Was he going to tell me that he wanted me eventually, but I never gave him a chance? Did my own fear ruin my chances of having a first love?

The whole time I read this book, these questions consumed me. They chewed me up and spit me back out. To the point where I felt like the pressure was building up and up and up and I was going to explode.

In addition to all this, things with Brennan have come to an abrupt halt on my end. After a while of thought, I realized I definitely wasn't interested in him that way at all, and that he was really into me and I wasn't being fair. (Or that he's still into me. He still acts like he is, so...I don't know.) I'm trying to avoid the 'let's just be friends' talk with him for now, especially since we've had it before already and I don't enjoy confrontation. But I know that keeping quiet about it isn't good either.

But this entire thing has frustrated me all over again. Is the dating world supposed to be this hard? Some people make it look so easy. Dipping in and out of relationships with ease. Some being able to have nice, actual serious relationships. And here I am, me, who's never had anything work out enough to even have one single boyfriend. Is it me? Is it my fault?

So under all of this stress in my mind, I don't think I was in my right mind. And I did something.

I sent a friend request to Ricky Bobby on Facebook.

Honestly...I'm embarrassed. This is just like 5 years ago. Why am I constantly repeating myself? Going in circles?

I think I thought maybe that if I added him on Facebook, it would help calm the loud questions in my head, give me peace of mind. So I sent him a request, and he accepted the request, and for about a week afterwards, I felt better. I let it be, and I had some peace.

Until one night I made the mistake of letting curiosity get to me. And I went to look at his page.

Yep, I snooped. Like I was freaking 17 years old again. I think everyone does this on social networking sites, and I actually do this with other people too. But this time...felt different. It was like, from the beginning, I was purposely looking for something. Maybe that's why it felt wrong. (By the way...he's like...hairy. The face scruff has turned to almost a full blown beard now, and his hair on his head is super long. He's just...hairy.)

Maybe consciously, I didn't know what I was looking for. Scrolled through pics of him at his job, party pics, with almost zero emotion. But then abruptly, after I was scrolling for a while, my heart stopped and my breath caught. I'd found it.

Him and his ex. Lots and lots of pictures of him and his ex.

Pictures of them hugging, pictures of them with their faces squished together, pictures of him with his arm around her shoulders. Lots and lots of pictures.

And within all of those pictures, I found something else. Something scary. Terrifying.

I felt jealous.

I felt a jealousy so deep, so intense that my heart was pounding loud in my ears and my face was red and my hands were shaking. At the same time, I was trying to calm myself down. This reaction was crazy, I knew it. And I felt completely irrational.

And staring at those pictures, I could think of only one thing: 'That could've been me.' 

Where was this coming from suddenly? Was it just ghosts of old emotions, coming back to trick me? Or worse, were they current emotions, back strong and real and there? 

So, as frustrated as I was, the day after this happened, I had a long talk with my mom. And told her everything. About the book I was reading bringing up everything again, about me thinking about him again, about the ex pictures. Everything. And mind you, me and my mom talk about everything. I tell her everything that's on my mind, and during the holidays, I'd brought up Ricky Bobby to her at least 2 different times. But this time it was different.

"I think...I think I felt jealous over his ex." I told her after explaining the request getting accepted and all the pictures to her. "I don't want to be jealous, but it was uncontrollable." I told her that I kept thinking that his ex could've been me. "I couldn't help it, it just came over me and I don't know why."

And then my mom said something that was kind of devastating. "It's because you still have feelings for him."

I sat there, mouth agape. Because she said exactly what I'd been afraid of this entire time. And then I closed my eyes, put my hands over my eyes and started crying. "But it doesn't make any sense," I said. "I haven't seen him in over 4 years."

She said softly, "Emotions aren't supposed to make sense. Sometimes they don't."

I kept crying into my hands. "I feel like I'm crazy."

All she said was, "I know."

Yeah.

Internet............to be totally honest with you, my headspace has scared me lately. And my emotions have scared me lately. My head knows this is impossible, knows that 4 years is entirely too late to think this way, and that he's likely never thought of me once in the past couple of years. My head knows that reacting this way to a book is completely irrational and insane. My head knows that people change a lot in the space of 4 years; hell, I've changed so much that some people might find me unrecognizable compared to how I was/how I looked 4 years ago. My head knows that logically I don't even know him anymore.

But the emotional side of me keeps telling me, over and over, that what I felt for Ricky Bobby was special. And rare. And the more I get older, the harder it will be for me to find it. Maybe I might never find it again.

And increasingly, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at myself for never letting myself fully realize how I really felt about him. I'm angry at myself for being afraid of taking a freaking chance, for once in my life, and going for something even though it could've ended in utter failure.

Say the Noodles & Co scenario happened now, would I have taken the risk? Absolutely. I would have called Johnny, asked to hang out with him and Ricky Bobby soon, and taken the initiative. I would have finally, finally, told him how I felt about him. I have more confidence and self esteem now than I did then, so it makes sense. But I wish I would have back then anyway, even if he had rejected me again. At least I would have had closure.

Because that's what I think this is. I never had proper closure with Ricky Bobby.

And all this time, I was willfully pushing him to the back of my mind and distracting myself with other things instead of truly dealing with things and truly moving on. Instead of running away. When I still had time, and before it was too late. Before he got back together with the girl he almost dated in Pennsylvania before he moved back, and started a long distance relationship with her.

From what I can tell, they dated from the start of 2012 and broke up late 2013. If he dated anyone since then, I don't know. But I remember thinking how ironic it was that he almost dated someone there before he moved back here, thinking that that could've been me. And then looking at all their couple pictures now, and thinking the same thing.

What kills me the most is thinking that maybe probably the biggest difference between me and her was that she was braver. More confident. Went after what she wanted, just like Lola.

And me? Frozen by fear. Just like with everything else in my life. Letting fear and pride get in the way of what I truly wanted.

So Internet...reaching this epiphany of mine of the past couple of weeks has been truly painful.

Before any of you worry, I won't be acting on this. I definitely won't. Not like I could anyway. Even though he lives in my state still, he still lives hours away, so I won't be running into him. Johnny and I aren't friends anymore. And I have a feeling that Ricky Bobby accepted my friend request out of pity, or because he accepts every friend request, so I won't be talking to him on there either. But at least my curiosity has been cured, so there's that.

Realistically, the only thing left to do now is to try and learn from all of this. I don't know if I'll ever feel about someone else the way I did about Ricky Bobby. But when I do, I hope I'll have the courage to act. Because acting is better than running away from it, which is infinitely worse.

These questions about him and I, and all of the what ifs, will probably haunt me forever. But that's my fault, and I have to deal with it. And I will. I just need time.

So for now, my foray into the dating world may be on halt again. After all, first I need to figure out what to do about Brennan.

Part of me thinks that maybe letting things fade into casual friendship might be the best thing--you know, instead of confrontation that could lead to a big blowout and never talking again. So that may be what I'll do. But if he does ask, then I'll tell him the truth and hope for the best.

And meanwhile, I'll be grudgingly preparing myself for the upcoming Single Awareness Day season. Ugh.

But I'll be all right, Internet. Just give me some time. Don't worry, okay? But for future reference, don't be like me. Be a Lola.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: books, brennan, facebook problems, fear, long posts are looong, love, past stuff, ricky bobby, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, scary stuff

This is SUPER late (as are all of my other holiday things this year, including my cards...what do you mean Christmas has already ended?? Are you sure?? It can't be!!) so my apologies for that.

But I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season, and that 2015 will be lovely to each and every one of you.

2014 was a difficult year on one hand, but on the other hand, I made some pretty big accomplishments, school being one of them. If there's nothing else I'm proud of myself for from 2014, it's going back to school.

I'm also quite proud of myself for putting on my brave pants and going on 2 dates, which was 2 more than in 2013 or 2012, hahaha. So yes, big accomplishment for me as well!

And I'm proud of myself for getting my sense of style together and gaining (just a little bit) more confidence than I had in 2013. I attribute this to some positive lifestyle changes lately (moving into a quieter environment, dieting during the summer and exercising regularly, going back to a regular social environment i.e. school). All of them together made me feel less like an alien, less like some recluse that had no life at all. I feel more normal now, and much less anxious and sad than I used to be. And that is such a big accomplishment in itself that I couldn't ask for more, tbh.

But for 2015, these are my resolutions:

1. Get a part time job. This is the biggest next step for me. I'd definitely want it to be part time, so that I could balance everything else, but having my own money (besides having give or take about 20 bucks normally) would just be...INDESCRIBABLE. I think at this point in my life, it would make things a lot easier for me. I'd have money to buy things for school, and just regular everyday things that I need, and wouldn't have to rely on other people for them (which I hate). I want to get this accomplished for sure.
2. Continue part time school to the best of my ability. A part time school schedule has been working so well for me, so I'm going to continue that. Also, I won't try to be perfect at it and worry about being perfect, I'm just going to do my best.
3. Continue to take good care of myself, including what I've been doing with my new skincare routine, my hair care routine (of course), and as soon as spring comes, eating better again for the warmer months and exercise regularly again. It worked so well for me last summer that I'd like to do it again this year! 

Hopefully these things combined will help me build even more self confidence in the new year. May 2015 be the Year of Confidence for me and for all of you guys!

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: 2015, christmas 2014, new year, resolutions

Hey Internet!

So, for the past couple of months I've been busy, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Getting used to school life again this semester went really well, and I adjusted much faster than I thought I would. I actually am feeling quite proud of myself for how well I handled this semester. (It was only one class, so it was pretty easy to handle, but I still feel really proud, haha.) I also finished the class strong. (I forgot to check my final semester grade online before the semester ended, but I got As on all of my essays, midterm, and I got a B+ on my final, so I'm pretty sure I did great!) As you already know, this was a huge step for me, and I'm proud of myself for even starting and finishing strong.

Going back to school is my biggest accomplishment of 2014, and it gives me some confidence for next semester as well.

So aside from getting used to school again, I've also been continuing some of the social growth I started over the summer. As in...I've been talking to somebody.

NOW WAIT. Before you get all excited, let me assure you, we're just friends.

But with Kenneth moving to New York City back in July(did I mention that here? If not, yeah he moved. It's too bad, we had planned to meet up again before he left, but I ended up getting sick and had to cancel. He was super sweet about it though, told me that he wanted me to get some rest so I could get better and that maybe one day we'd see each other again. Aww.), I kinda wanted to meet someone else to talk to now and then.

SO. His name's Brennan*, and we've been talking since the end(?) of July. He was really flirty with me from the get-go, which sort of overwhelmed me at times, but he's nice and knows all about my weird hobbies and doesn't judge me for it (HAH).

For about 2 months, October to the beginning of this month, we stopped talking for a bit because honestly I kind of felt like things might progress, and I wasn't into it, so talked to him honestly and said that I wasn't ready to date someone right now and that I'd prefer to stay friends. He was cool about it, though, which was nice. (I actually...haven't rejected anyone? At least not that way. It was a strange new experience for me.)

So the beginning of this month, I got bored with finals stress and decided to download Tinder again (which I'd deleted for a few months to focus on school as well), and we ended up matching again, haha. So we started talking again, and then...

On Christmas Eve Eve (two days before Christmas) we had a coffee date.

God, it still feels so weird for me to talk about dates. This was my second date this year, Internet. SECOND. What's happening to me? Who is this person???

It wasn't as long as the date with Kenneth, so I'll keep it fairly simple:

So. The night before our coffee date, it snowed. Which made commuting the next morning pretty exhausting. I was pretty damn late, like 20-25 minutes late, which I kept apologizing for over text on my way there.

I was already pretty nervous, so I felt pretty terrible on the way. But at least I looked really cute. (I'm telling you, Internet. Going back to school has put my makeup and fashion game BACK ON POINT. I think after 21 years I have FINALLY gotten my sense of style down. I don't want to jinx it, but I feel like I have a sense of style for the first time in like 4 years. And ngl, I looked pretty damn good on that date. Snap snap snap.)

So, I walked in, and I couldn't spot him at first, because he was sitting on the bar stools on the side. Then I noticed a guy bent over his phone with a beanie on the back of his head. I slowly walked over to him, unsure, and I said, "Brennan?" And he turned around.

He was smaller in person than I had imagined. He stood up, and for a moment I wondered if I shouldn't have worn heels. He was about an inch taller than me with my heels on. We hugged, a little awkwardly. He was pretty quiet, which worried me. Then my knees were shaking, so I told him I was gonna buy my drink, and while I was buying it I tried to compose myself. I was pretty successful, and by the time I came back I had loosened up a bit, which made him loosen up too.

We began to talk, and really it was just like us talking over text, only I tried to talk more to fill up any silences. We get along well, and I thought that he was nice to talk to.

It only lasted about an hour and 15 minutes, because he had to go to work, but overall it went nicely. But...here's the thing.

Brennan's nice. He's sweet. Seems kind of more introverted, like I am. Takes school seriously (I think his major is computer science?). Doesn't judge me for my weird hobbies and ramblings about my favorite books and writing, in fact he said it's nice to hear people talk about what they're passionate about (which I liked). Met my dad by chance when he was pulling up to pick me up and called him sir and shook his hand (which my dad liked). And I would definitely for sure hang out with him again.

But.........there was no chemistry.

Dammit. This is really starting to irk me. It's like...all the people that I should have chemistry with I just have...none. Why?? WHY??

And the thing is...with Kenneth...I definitely found him attractive. Within the first 10 minutes of meeting him, I knew I was immediately attracted to him. But Brennan...god. I want to be attracted to him. I really really do. Considering his personality, I should be attracted to him. Why aren't I? I feel so bad that I'm not. I feel terrible.

It's not even like he's unappealing, or anything. He has a nice face. He's half white, half Chinese, with a little scruff on his chin, and he wears kitschy glasses that suit his face. He's not tall, but not short either. Cute smile. Maybe a little boyish, but that works really well on some guys.

When he talked, I kept staring at him, waiting for a spark, but there was just...there was none.

And I keep feeling like maybe I'm not giving him a fair chance, but really I am. I wouldn't have met him in person if I wasn't giving him a chance. I'd hoped that though we lacked a spark over text, maybe we'd have it in person...and for me, I didn't.

I still want to be friends with him though, definitely. I'm just sort of worried that he may be developing feelings for me while I don't feel that way about him.

There's no way to know for sure, though, unless he tells me. So I just...I don't know. Sigh.

But while I struggle over here with this foray into the dating world for the first time, my ex-classmates and ex-friends have been...well, I'll just say this bluntly...having babies.

I mean literally, having babies. And getting engaged. And married. I shit you not.

And one of them that has gotten engaged? Jazz. To her boyfriend of 3 years.

Guys...I didn't think I would have to deal with this until at least my mid-twenties. The fact that this is even happening already...surreal. And sort of...alienating.

I get that some people's goals and priorities are different, but I can count on two hands who has either had a child or gotten married already. And I mean...I don't judge them, it's their lives. But I can't be the only one that thinks that 20/21 is too young to get married and start a family. Right? I mean this is 2014, not 1950. Things are different now, or at least I thought they were.

But maybe it's this area. My city is compared to some parts in the south a lot, and for some cultural points and values important to many people here, we really might as well live in the south.

But...yeah. Jazz got engaged two weeks ago and flaunted it all over Facebook, or course. And of course I congratulated her, because even though I never went to school with him, I've met her fiance a handful of times and he seems to be a nice, stand up guy. So I'm happy she's happy.

It's just like...why now, you know? It's so soon. We're so young and have our lives ahead of us.

I definitely want to get married one day, but not anytime soon. Maybe 27 at the very earliest, and even that seems too soon sometimes. I want to go out, see the world, have my own career, my own life, before I even think about settling down. Even being in a relationship sounds stifling.

But hey, that's me. And that's her. And I just hope that if she makes me a bridesmaid, the dresses won't be ugly. (I'm such a good friend.)

And Fiddy (remember? From freshman year? Wow. Forever ago.) and the girl he knocked up 4 years ago got married around Thanksgiving. (They seem to be doing well. Good for them.) Two people that had babies recently? Jerry, with his current girlfriend (yes, the one that wanted to date me) which was a bit shocking (just think, if I'd given him my number, that could've been me. Yikes.). And most recently (two weeks ago)one of Rose's sisters, Lauren, in a shocking turn of events (she's a year and a half older than me, and I recall numerous times in high school that Lauren swore up and down that she never wanted kids, and that she hated babies. Welp.)

Sooooo...yeah. Like I said, alienating. Crazy.
Not in a bad way, it's just that I think of so many of these people the way that they used to be in High School. Kinda feels like babies having babies. I still feel like a kid sometimes, so I can't even imagine myself having a kid right now. Seems scary.

Adult life, man. This is weird.

But, hey. All things need adjusting, right? Now I'm just looking forward to a New Year, and my next semester in school.

I'll keep you guys updated on Brennan. I just...I hope there won't be any rejecting in the future. (Gulp.)

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: adulthood, babies and marriage?!?, brennan, dates, growing up, online dating, tinder

You know how sometimes you look back on things in your life, and you wonder how you could have been so oblivious to something so obvious--and you just wonder how you couldn't see things clearly then?

Labels: ricky bobby, secrets

present me past me