♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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Blog-a-versaries and New Starts}
Monday, May 30, 2011 | 3:22 PM | 2Comment

INTERNET. I'M FREE.

Yes. I'm free from the hellish, insane clutches of the last few weeks of school. Thank god because I literally thought I was about to die. Or have a spontaneous nervous breakdown in front of hundreds of strangers, complete with sobbing, shrieking, and breaking nearby objects.

But I didn't! I feel reborn! :D

I did have a certain unfortunate mishap with one of my finals, but I'm in the summer spirit right now, so I'll get to that later, I promise.

But besides that, I'm super relieved and happy that it's over. Junior Year seemed at the same time super quick and sluggish. And it was also both manageable and painfully challenging. But it's all over now.

Now I can focus on writing and reading for fun instead of for school! :D
(Don't you love my outrageous nerdiness?)

I can also watch k-dramas until the sun rises! And watch movies whenever I want! And hang out with my friends 24/7 if I want! I LOVE SUMMER.

Speaking of love, Internet, I have some important updates. I suppose I should start here: last Monday was my 3rd blog-a-versary!
I didn't have time to make a commemorative blog entry for it (that and I also kind of maybe forgot), but still, here we are, on my 80th entry. Last year on my blog-a-versary, it was when I had just found out that Ricky Robby was moving back. Interesting what can happen in a year, isn't it?

Back then I was still getting used to the idea of him being back here, and now a year later, I've seen him again, basically got kicked to the side again, got over him, and now I...have a new crush?

HONESTY TIME INTERNET.

I know I said I wasn't taking the whole online dating OKCupid thing seriously. And I'm still not. In fact, I haven't logged on there for the past 3 days, I kind of loathe it because I'm so popular with the weird guys and pervs and I don't know why. I mean I wrote all over my profile about how nerdy I am and the nerdy things I do, and somehow people still want to talk to me. I don't get it. Maybe that's their thing? (That's so creepy oh my god.)

But. But. The guy I started talking to. Not the 22 year old from Michigan. I probably stopped talking to him a few days after my last entry. Nothing exciting there.
Not him. But the 19 year old from one city over. The one that I talk about nerdy stuff with.

I think he deserves a nickname, because I have a feeling I'm going to be talking about him on here for a while. We'll call him Drew.

Drew and I, after about a good 3 weeks of talking back and forth on OKC, finally exchanged numbers on Friday, so we could text. The past 3 days, we've texted all day.

.....

All day.

The reason why this is such a huge deal is because I don't text anybody all day. Sometimes Best Friend Rose, on occasion. But especially not guys. In fact the last guy I texted before Drew was Johnny, and that was just to thank him for my birthday voicemail.
...Actually, I can't even recall the last guy I texted recently before Johnny.

This just doesn't happen.

The first day we texted I shrieked and giggled every time I got a message from him. And I tried very desperately to get a hold of myself every time I did it because for God's sake I don't even know him. I haven't even met him.

But just the idea that I've been texting a guy, a guy that seemingly wants to talk to me in the first place, it's kind of...unsettling to me. In a good way. I think.

I don't know. I just...never expected this to ever happen in the first place, so now that it actually might be, I don't even know how I feel.

This isn't like whenever I happened to text with Phil (which I can literally count on one hand), and every single time, it would be like, "Hey whats up?" "Not much, you?" "Nm either." "Cool." "Cool." -End Conversation-.

Every time I talk to him, it's like I'm talking to an actual person. Like, not just a shallow 'conversation' when they're either talking to you because their bored or they're obligated to. I feel like he's actually interested about my life. It's real conversation. It shouldn't be something that's so rare, but it is. And this is honestly the first time I've ever been able to talk to a guy that way.

I told him about my online school. He didn't think it was weird. I told him about how I want to be a writer. He didn't ask why, or even give me the "So...how are you going to make that a living?" response that I've begun to get used to. He thought it was really cool, and even wanted to read a short story of mine sometime in the future. I've told him about my unnatural obsession with Asia. He was cool about it, and even admitted he really liked Asian culture when he was younger.

This is bad, Internet. Very bad.

I just. I JUST. I DON'T KNOW.

Like just a few entries ago I was talking about I DON'T WANT TO DATE and JANE AUSTEN and WOE IS ME and RELATIONSHIPS SUCK but now....this?

No matter what, I'm not going to get my hopes up. No way.
This is what I've been trying so hard to avoid. I can't make myself vulnerable. I can't set myself up for this. I'm not ready.

For all I know, he could just be thinking that he found a good nerd buddy to talk about stuff with while he's bored at his job. He hasn't even flirted with me.

Well...I mean, I'm oblivious and untalented in the flirting department, and I couldn't even flirt with a wall, but I'm pretty sure I'd realize when someone is flirting with me. Most of the time I do. Mostly because it's really rare, and moments like that for me are like finding Waldo.

But I don't think he has. He's just really...nice. And friendly. So, this isn't definite. Nothing is definite yet. So I'm not getting my hopes up.

One thing worth noting, though, is this: After telling me about all the used bookstores in town (which I had NO IDEA about), and me telling him how much I wanted to visit them after he told me about them, he said, and I quote, "If we ever get acquainted enough we'll definitely go to one. Probably all of them. :P"

Not getting my hopes up. Hopes are not up. They are most definitely not up. They're down, way down, on the ground, where they should be. Okay.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Let the Online Shenanigans begin?}
Saturday, May 14, 2011 | 7:52 PM | 2Comment

Well, Internet.

I'm in the midst of my last weeks of school, and so far this weekend, all I've done is prepare for finals. (All the while studying so hard I could swear that I'm losing hair.) But what was it that I came to tell you about today?

Hmm. Well, probably the fact that I made a profile on an online dating website.

...OKAY, OKAY HOLD ON. Let me start at the beginning, here.

So, it started the day after I wrote my last entry. I was still kind of emotional, kind of tired, and really bored. I was going through this old website account I'd found back from when I was in middle school, one where I used to talk to guys all the time (reference point, Secret #2.) It was pretty entertaining to go through old pictures and my old profile and stuff. And then, out of nowhere, it hit me.
I'm 18 now. I can sign up for dating websites like eHarmony and Match.

Now, mind you, I'm not or will I ever be willing to pay money to meet people online. No freaking way. Because not only do I not have money to begin with, but if I did I wouldn't be spending it to pay people to find a boyfriend for me. No. Just. No.

So, at this point, curiosity was beginning to get to me, so I decided to just take a look at them. Skipping the pay websites, I went to ones like Plentyoffish, the Craigslist personals(but then I remembered the Craigslist killer and promptly left) and in a lapse of judgment, one of those absurd disgusting Friend Finder websites that I am NEVER again in my life going back to.

Finally, I found OKCupid. I found good reviews for it, and it seemed decent from the outside. I also talked to one of my online friends (we'll call her Trudy, I met her on Twitter like two years ago, and we've been friends ever since!) and she's been on there for a while, and she likes it.

So, I figured, eh. Why not? It wouldn't kill me. It seemed reliable. And after all, I was just curious.

So I made an OKCupid account on impulse. And within the first hour of signing up, I got my first message. I wasn't even finished filling in my profile, and they messaged me.
Pretty wary, right? Especially since I had only had my picture up. And it turned out I had every right to be suspicious, because he turned out to be a douche.

But it's been...interesting so far.

On my profile, I specifically put that I'm only looking for new friends, not relationships. And yet, I've already been asked out by 3 guys who barely even took the time to get to know me. And one that straight up asked me what I was wearing. Gross.
And most of them are either boring, pervy, or kind of annoying. Just like real life.

But so far, I've talked to two guys that seem to know the meaning of 'new friends'.
One is a 19 year old that lives one city over, and we've been talking about every sort of nerdy thing you could imagine. I'm talking books, authors, writing, comics, manga, science fiction, you name it. And he's very polite. It's nice talking to someone that I have passions in common with.

And then the other guy I'm talking to is 22, but I keep forgetting the age difference. He moved here from Michigan about a month and a half ago. We don't have that much in common, to be honest, but he's very nice and friendly, and it's fun talking to him. And not once has he mentioned anything that made me uncomfortable, which is a point in my book.

So. Yeah. I don't expect anything out of this, and I'm definitely not taking it seriously. I don't intend on meeting anyone in person. But at least it'll make things a bit more interesting, eh?

And lately I've been tired of not doing, well, anything lately. So this should shake things up, at least.

I still don't want to date at all right now. In fact, I don't want to date for a while. But at least it'll be a good reminder for me that not all guys are bad. In fact, there are good ones. I just have to look past all the nasties.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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Fear of Falling in Love or Being in Love. (Secret #5)}
Monday, May 2, 2011 | 5:26 PM | 3Comment

Also known as Philophobia.

I have a confession, Internet. There's been something weighing heavy on my mind lately.

It used to be something that only came to bother me every once in a while. It would come, and I'd wave it off, and all was well again. But now that I'm starting to get older, it's bothering me a lot more. I've tried to shake it off, but it's like this huge, ominous, encroaching feeling creeping up on me, and I'm starting to think that I can't help it.

I think I'm starting to develop some kind of negative complex with love.

Now, I know what you're thinking (or maybe I don't, but oh well). 'Hopeless Romantic? Having a negative complex with love? YEAH. OKAY.'

That's what I'd think, too. Heck, this whole blog is dedicated to my misadventures with likes and loves and what have you. My freakin' pen name is 'Hopeless Romantic', for crying out loud.

But it's something I've noticed more and more lately. I'll watch a romance movie, and I'll cringe during the sappy parts that are supposed to make me cry (which I never used to do). I can barely stand to listen to love ballads (which I lived for). I can feel myself starting to resent males in general (not good).

And if those weren't indicative enough, here's the doozy: Everytime I start to picture what my first relationship could be like, where I used to think about great things happening, and feeling excited for them, now I think of them and I'm completely repulsed.
I'll think about my possible first kiss, how nervous I could be when it happens, how awful it could be, and I suddenly don't want one. Ever. I don't even want to try.

Or I'll think about bringing my first boyfriend to come meet my family, and I'm horrified. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but suddenly seeing it from that perspective, it seems too scary and embarrassing and I don't even want to think about it.

And then I'll think about how I'll constantly have to worry about little annoying girl things, like keeping my legs shaven, and how I'll have to exfoliate like every freaking day because if he wants to kiss me he'll be close enough to see like every single one of my pores and it sounds RIDICULOUS, I know, but my skin isn't completely clear or perfect and it's one of my biggest insecurities. And having someone that close to me, close enough to see my pores, close enough to see that teeny little hair on my upper lip that I just happened to miss with my tweezers, close enough that they can see the lines in my irises, it freaks me the hell out.

I had a dream last night, and I remember every single moment of it. It's resonated with me the entire day. In the dream, I was out shopping with Best Friend Rose. It was just her and I, and we were downtown somewhere, somewhere with tons of shops and tall buildings and stuff. Maybe a large city. We decided to stop in this larger department store, but then Rose had to go to the bathroom, so she told me to wait while she ran out to the bathroom, somewhere. So I was standing there with my hands full of shopping bags, right? And I'm just gazing around, looking at stuff, when I see this tall blonde guy standing about 15 feet away, just staring at me. Not in a 'woooo who's that hot shawty over thurr' way, more like the 'I'm a serial killer and I just found my next victim' kind of way. Like, he just stares at me blankly. And I start to get nervous, because here is where I finally noticed that I'm suddenly alone in store, all alone, and this psycho is staring at me all creepily.

And then he starts to walk towards me. Apparently BFR is pretty much forgotten at this point (sorry Rosie) and I immediately start to make my way toward the doors. I push them open, walking fast, and after I'm about ten feet away from the store, I hear him push through the doors too. Great. Psycho is following me, and I'm all alone on the sidewalks. Because somehow, despite being in some big city, the streets and sidewalks are basically empty, except for a bunch of parked cars. No witnesses.

I start to walk even faster. And I risk one look over my shoulder to see if I'm losing him. I'm not. In fact, he's only about 15 feet away. And all of a sudden, I come to this realization that he's my ex boyfriend. In dream land he is, I suppose. I distinctly remember him having longish blonde hair, and being very, very attractive. But it didn't discount the fact that he was glaring at me like his eyes were going to pierce through me. So I break into a run, dropping my shopping bags altogether.

"Get away," I yell at him, kind of feebly.

He replies, "I just want to talk," in the way that the killer in a movie says to their victims, 'I'm not going to hurt you,' before they kill them.

I feel like I'm not getting away from him fast enough, and I try to run fast, but I can't. Even while knowing that this is my ex boyfriend, and not a stranger serial rapist killer, I'm still terrified to death of him. It literally feels like I'm running for my life.

Suddenly he says, in an ominous change of tone, "You can't get away from me, Sarah."

I try to run faster again, and can't. It's like I'm running in sand. "Leave me alone," I scream. "Get away from me!"

"You can try to run, but it won't work. I'll find you. I'll always find you." He says calmly. "You belong to me, Sarah. You'll always belong to me."

I scream again, something unintelligible. Suddenly, I spot a Forever 21 with tons of cars parked in front, tons of people inside. I tear toward the door, throw it open, and careen inside. I go straight to the front desk. "I'm being stalked," I say to the girl on the other side. "Is there some place I can hide?"

She immediately points to the employee door at the far end of the store, and I quickly make my way to it. I jump inside, and as I turn around to close the door behind me, I see Crazy Ex-Boyfriend run into the store, searching for me. I shut the door. The employee area is empty and quiet, and when I listen closely, I can hear everything going on inside the store.

It suddenly sounds as if the store has gone empty, and I only hear the Crazy Sauce ask the employees if they saw a girl like me(all the while still calling me his girlfriend. Hah!). All of them knowing, of course, that I was hiding from him, they all play dumb and say no. I swear for a few seconds that I hear his heavy footsteps come closer and closer to the other side of the door, but he never opens it.

Instead, I suddenly hear my mom, my dad, and Rosie come in, all sounding panicked, probably looking for me. As soon as they see Crazy Man, they call him by name in surprise. They ask him if he's seen me (because apparently they don't know about his insane tendencies of stalking?). He answers, faking worry and concern, that he'd been trying to talk to me, but that I kept running away. He tells them that he has no idea where I am, and they all respond worriedly.

For some reason I stay in the small room until I hear that all of them have left the store, and I come out finally. I look around paranoid, and then I look at the employees. "He's gone, right?" I ask to confirm. They nod slowly at me, and they're looking at me strangely, like they think that maybe I just made the whole stalking thing up.

And then suddenly I see Ex-Boyfriend walk past the store windows again, looking like he was still searching around for me. His face is pinched with worry. And then somehow the dream flips perspectives, and I see the dream through his eyes. And I understand everything perfectly, differently.

Now I was the ex-boyfriend, worried like hell for the girl he still loves, the girl who always pushes him away.

When I woke up from that dream, I was extremely unsettled. Not only because it was one heckuva dream, but because that is one of my fears.

I'm scared that someday I will fall in love with someone who loves me back, and I'll lose control. Scared that I'll get too attached too fast, and one day I'll wake up, terrified, realizing what I've gotten myself into, and I'll push them far away from me. I'm scared that they'll use me and crush my soul in their fist. I'm scared that I'll love them, and that they're actually just merely 'interested'. I'm scared that it will be love, true love, amazing love, and then an accident will happen and they'll be taken from me forever.

I think I'm so scared of love because it ends. It always seems to end. Something always happens. Someone cheats, or someone loses interest completely, or someone dies before the other. And the thought of going through that pain scares me so honestly that it makes me want to cry.

I don't want to be one of those people that never does anything because of their fear.
But lately I can honestly say that the thought of any of those happening is enough to make me question if I ever want to go through something like that. It doesn't sound worth it. And I've had no reason to personally believe that it is.

It's funny, because in Middle School, I would have killed to have a boyfriend. It was almost everything to me. But now, after I've gotten older and realized the painful repercussions of love, I cringe whenever I think of having one. I used to be afraid of being alone forever, but now I'm honestly starting to think I might be better off alone.

It sounds ridiculous and melodramatic, but maybe it's the best thing. Jane Austen never got married, and she turned out okay. Great, even. Maybe that's how it will be for me.

I'll see if this passes. Maybe this is just a weird mood I've been in with my stress lately. I suppose we'll see.

xo Hopeless Romantic

(P.S. I finally added comments for each entry and Older Posts Newer Posts links. I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out!)

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Month One of My Legal Adult Life Down, 984 to Go.}
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 | 9:38 PM | 0Comment

Internet, so much has happened in my first month of being 18 that I can't even begin to tell you.

Lol okay, not really. Nothing too exciting, per say,(as in any boy news and such) but you know me, I'm gonna tell you anyway.

First, my birthday. It was probably the best birthday I've had since my 15th birthday (15th was an 80's theme, I kid you not. 8o's music galore, big hair, a basement decorated with so many balloons and streamers you would not believe it, and 13 Going On 30. Best birthday party ever.)
I didn't have a party, but I kind of hate parties now, so. (I used to love parties. Now I cringe when I hear the word. I think it was High School that made me hate them and all things associated with them.)

BUT, I did 1.) Go to the bookstore. My freaking haven. I would have been satisfied with just this alone, seriously.
2.) Go Chick-Fil-A for lunch, mostly just so I could have their glorious fries.
3.) Get a new rug and lamp for my room. I'm just finishing redecorating it, and it's red and black and epicness.
4.) Get a freaking IPOD TOUCH. Which is a relief, as well as being exciting, because my old grandpa iPod had lived with me since the 7th grade and it was slowly approaching the last of its days. I could barely listen to music with it off the charger, and the battery would die within 45 minutes. Sad to see it go (I get sentimental, okay? Haha), but I love my new iPod. It's all touch-screeny and high tech. I feel like I'm finally in 2011 now. Yay for technological advances!
5.) Have dinner at Red Lobster (my favorite restaurant forever) with Best Friend Rose, Jazz (more on that later), and my parents. Delicious. And it was awesome of them to come even with school the next day, since we had different Spring Breaks.
6.) Have a cookies and Cream ice cream cake with a big fat '18' candle on it.
7.) Get a new big fat bow headband, new leggings, Hello Kitty lights and a Harry Potter notebook from Best Friend Rose. (I practically screamed from joy when I saw them. She knows me so eerily well sometimes, it freaks me out. Seriously. But in a good way.)
8.) Watch k-dramas until I fell asleep.

It was seriously THE BEST birthday I've had since my 15th. Beats my birthday last year by a long shot. I just remember going to bed with the biggest smile on my face. And it meant even more because things are particularly tight for my family right now (well, things are always tight, but even more right now) and it meant the world to me that even though we're going through a rough time financially, my parents still put in all this effort for me to have a good birthday.
It meant the world.

So, AWESOME birthday. Then came four days later when I got the stomach flu for the second time in six months.
Yes. I somehow got the stomach flu again. And it was waaaay worse this time. I survived, obviously, but man did that suck.

You know what else sucks? Doing the ACTs within days of having the stomach flu.
YES INTERNET. I had to do my ACTs the weekend after being sick, meaning that I had just begun to stop feeling like a sore, dizzy stick figure. (I lost 8 pounds when I was sick. I looked like a lollipop having a terrible hair day. Assuming I would have hair as a lollipop, for some reason.)

I think I did decently, well hopefully. It's all kind of a blur. But I did happen to see a guy there that went to my old school, who I've known since the 6th grade, and we sat together and talked during break. It was a nice surprise to see someone I knew there, and it was sweet of him to even come over at all. It was very nice.

So after that nightmare, a few days later, I went shopping for spring clothes with giftcards that I got for my birthday. Shopping is always relevant, period.

And so since all of that, I've been busy catching up from being sick for 3 days and keeping pace with my schoolwork. And it's been good.

One thing that's (kind of) notable, though, is the voicemail from Johnny and Ricky Bobby from last entry. I haven't talked to either of them since November, so it really came as a surprise to me. A pleasant surprise, actually. I thought they'd forgotten all about me.
I also got a birthday wall post from Ricky Bobby, one that said, "happy birthday, sarah!!!!!!!" with that many exclamation points. It was cool of them to remember, or see the notification on Facebook, at least. (Which I only recently found out, like within the past hour, that RB deleted. Yup. Deleted his Facebook. He goes through these love/hate stages with social networking sites, he deletes his and then makes a new one like three months later. I swear. Don't ask why, I have no idea. But that was my last means of contact with him, besides Johnny, so idk.)

I didn't call Johnny back, so now he probably things that he didn't have the right number in the first place, but oh well.
I can tell what you're thinking, Internet. I'm going to blow this way out of proportion, like last time. (see entries from last april through july-ish) I'm going to over-analyze everything and pick apart every word from that voicemail. Right? Am I right?

Well, I surprisingly haven't. After I got it, not gonna lie, I thought about it a little while, but then I moved on.

I'm doing pretty dang okay, Internet. I'd say I'm doing pretty dang okay.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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A Belated Birthday Voicemail (courtesy of Johnny and Ricky Bobby):}
| 9:55 AM | 1Comment

Johnny: SARAH. SARAAAAH. Okay say what you want to say to Sarah.
Ricky Bobby: Saraaaah. Happy birthday.
Johnny: Yo so I never wished you Happy Birthday, but here's my late like re--my like--my re--oh, Ricky Bobby says hi. But I say happy birthday. Ricky Bobby says--Eli says--(huffs impatiently) there's too many people talking. But we all say hi and Happy Birthday.
Ricky Bobby: (mumbling incoherently to Johnny in the background)
Johnny: And um, we gotta--(to Ricky Bobby)make out or hang out?--hang out. Yeah.
Ricky Bobby: (telling Johnny to say something)
Johnny: And--(snickering) She has to buy porn for Ricky Bobby. (Aside from the phone) Dude there's a penis still on my roof. (Into the phone) OH I'm still on the phone. Hahaha. (Aside again) Oh you know I saw Jessica at that dinner thing. Yeah like, yesterday, actually.
Someone in the background: (talking to him)
Johnny: Oh! Hahah (In the phone again) Anyway um, yeah. So, call me back. I hope this is still your number. (laughing in the background) Kay bye! (click)

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Having a Life and Birthdays and Stuff}
Monday, March 28, 2011 | 10:07 AM | 0Comment

INTERNET I MISSED YOU.

I mean, hi.
SO. I have a legitimate excuse for not updating for a million bajillion years. Me, your normally socially awkward and beloved Hopeless Romantic, has been busy.

...No, really! Me! Busy! HAVING A LIFE!

I know!!

Since Valentine's Day, I've been going over to Best Friend Rose's house every single weekend, and one of them I basically just stayed there the entire weekend. We had two--count em'--TWO Harry Potter marathon weekends in a row, and then after that we watched marathons of other things like Pretty Little Liars and Vampire Diaries (guilty). Eating junk food and stuff. Yes. Amazing basically.

And then during school weeks I've been basically working my ass off everyday so I can catch up, because I had this ridiculous bought of laziness for like a week a while back and I didn't feel like doing any of my school work. Thanks to my hard work, I'm all caught up, and I brought my grades back up, but I'm definitely never doing that again.

That's one downside of homeschool/online school, there's nobody leaning over your shoulder and forcing you to do your schoolwork and learn. You have to do it yourself. The motivation can run low some days, but in the end you just have to kick yourself in the back and get to work, whether you want to or not.

So anyway, with all of that lately, I've barely had time to relax, let alone get on the computer for leisure. (What's that? This Internet addict staying away from the Internet? Trust me. I could barely even stand to TOUCH Facebook and Twitter.)

BUT. It's finally my spring break, and I'm reveling in it. The moment I finished school Friday evening, I thought I was going to burst into tears from relief.

I finally get to do all that I couldn't for about a month and a half! I can read! I can write and revise for leisure! (Lol.) I can sleep in and watch my favorite Asian dramas! (It sounds weird, I know, but if you ever get curious, Watch Boys Before Flowers on Hulu. So AMAZING. Just. Do it.)

And the best part is, my birthday is tomorrow. I know. Already. Can you believe it? I can't. Internet. I'm going to be eighteen.

It's so weird, because I don't feel that old. Like, I don't feel like a legal adult. Hell, I don't even feel like a teenager, really. I never really have. So suddenly being branded as an 'adult' is going to be so weird.

I'll still be myself, no matter what age I am, it's just going to be weird knowing that I'm a legal adult. Ew. It's weird even typing it.

Being 17 was fun. I enjoyed it, and I grew a lot (figuratively, though. Still only 5'3 and a size 6 shoe, and probably will be forever. That's okay, though. Short is cool. People can pat you on the head and people at restaurants ask if you want a kids menu. Yeah. It's awesome.) I didn't have a boyfriend or even go on a date during my seventeenth year, and I am completely, 100% happy with it.

Here's to eighteen being even better! Say hello to your new 18 Year Old Hopeless Romantic. (Still weird to type.)

xo Hopeless Romantic

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And just when you thought she was gone...}
Sunday, February 13, 2011 | 9:20 PM | 0Comment

Hello, Internet! Long time no see.

I've since gotten over my cold since last entry, and after life decided to throw me down and kick me in the stomach, I've bounced back and I'm back to 100%!

...well at least I was, until I realized it was February. February. The bane of my mother effing existence.

And I'd pretty much handled it well up until today. You know, all the Valentine's Day sales ads, triple the amount of jewelry store commercials, so much pink and purple everywhere that it looks like an army of Carebears threw up. I was taking it surprisingly well up until now.

Today me and Best Friend Rose decided to do our Valentine's Day early, since the real V-day this year is on a Monday and it would be weird to try and do something after school. So as soon as I woke up this morning, I had breakfast and got dressed so I could go to Walgreens and get her gift. I picked out some gummy roses, a cute heart picture frame, and a Disney Princess card(it was Snow White, just an FYI.)

Right after that, me and Mom went to pick Rosie up so she could hang out for a few hours at my house. We had originally planned to have Ashley (Rosie's oldest sister) pick us up from my house to go see Burlesque at the dollar theater around 6, but we decided to go to the mall first before the movie. SO, we went to the mall around 4.

Now. I was dressed pretty casually, in a gray heart sweater and a high rise skirt (doesn't sound very casual, but for some reason skirts+tights/leggings have become the norm for me these days. Funny, because in Middle School I wouldn't touch a skirt with a 10-foot pole.) I also had very minimal makeup on, which I've been doing a lot more these days for no reason in particular, just because I guess. But I obviously wasn't looking for any attention (even just the word 'attention' gives me hives, okay.) I think that's part of the reason why this happened like it did.

Let me start from the beginning. So. We're at the mall. And by some insane twist of fate, we're there at the same time as one of Rose's exes, one of which their break-up did not go well at all. So after we spot him and his friend, we basically play the avoid-an-awkward-meeting-with-the-ex game and try to stay as far from them as possible. So while we were doing this, I suggest, 'Hey! Why don't we go into Hot Topic!' partly because I figure it wouldn't be his type of store, and partly because I haven't been there in forever, so we go in.

I'm oohing and ahhing over everything I see, and Rose trails me around the store patiently. I finally decide on a really cute headband with a huge sequined bow on it, and I go stand in line to pay. Totally normal. Right? I was perfectly fine. Until I got up to the register.

Why? Oh, nothing. Except register-guy is fine. Like, FOINE. And I very rarely use that term seriously.
Tall. Blonde hair with brown highlights, long and spiky. Lip ring. Totally hot. And it's weird because I thought I stopped being into that 'type' a while ago, but I mean, wow.

And I did okay at first. I did acknowledge that he was attractive, yes, but I held it together pretty well. He asked how it was going, quietly, and I responded with a 'fine' and reciprocated the question.

He gestured to the headband I was purchasing and asked if my fashion inspiration was Lady Gaga, and that he bet that I got compared to her a lot. I chuckled and said that he'd be surprised at how often I didn't get compared to her. Good so far, right? I had just the right amount of equal parts flirty and seemingly uninterested. I was doing good.

But then he asks, "So, are you in school?"

Somehow it feels like I've been found out. My resolve and confidence waver a little. "Uhm, yeah. I'm a junior." I almost say 'I'm a junior in high school', but don't want him thinking that I think he's dim, do I?

He nods like he hadn't expected that answer, but that he was cool with it. And I think about how hot his lip ring is. And then he says something else. But I totally don't even hear him because I'm ogling his lip ring.

And when I snap out of it and see him looking at me expectantly, I lose my cool. I mean, if I had any cool at all to begin with, I lost it. I lost all of it.
I suddenly get jittery and answer with the most generic answer, 'yeah', because one that could easily fit with any kind of question, although that's not necessarily a good thing. For all I know, he could of asked, 'So what do you think about airline food?' and 'Yeah!' isn't really a good answer for that.

And I could tell that 'yeah' didn't make sense with what he had asked me at all, because he just looks at me blankly, like he was maybe questioning himself if I was mentally retarded. So I scramble to cover up my mistake, and after a second of thought, I realize that he possibly could have asked which school I go to, which makes sense, right?

So, I speak again. "Well...uh...yeah....I uh....I used to go to her (pointing to Rosie, who's just staring at me from five feet away, probably listening to all of this happening with pity) school, but um...now I'm homeschooled...and...yeah..." I glance at his facial expression, which hasn't changed since I started talking, which I decide is probably bad, so I keep talking for some reason that I cannot even fathom. "It's uh...not that bad. Yeah...not as bad as people think it is...it's cool..." (Meanwhile he's probably confirming all of those rumors about homeschooled kids in his head right now.)

He just nods without saying anything--bless that man's soul for sparing me, because I was already embarrassed enough as it was--and he hands me my receipt and change, which I almost drop because my hands are shaking. He then hands me my headband because I very nearly forget it in a rush to get the hell out of there.

I take it, smile shakily and say as I turn around, 'Have a nice day', even though IT'S ALREADY NIGHT (though, bless his soul again, he said it back, probably to humor me), and I nearly walk straight into Best Friend Rose.

AND THEN I GOT THE HELL OUT OF THERE AND CURLED UP IN A BALL AND DIED THE END.

I have to say. This tops my record of embarrassing moments. In fact, I think this beats every one of my records, in the past and future, for the rest of my life.

I have never in my life been that nervous around a guy. Ever. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I've never been caught shamelessly ogling a guy while I'm supposed to be having a conversation with him. And maybe it also had something to do with my bad habit of zoning out while guys talk to me because I get too deep in my thoughts. (See entry Noodles and Butter Knives, Oct 2 of last year.)

Either way, it was my fault. Maybe this'll teach me once and for all to actually listen to guys when they talk, instead of creating a narrative in my head.

And so. After that, we went to go see the movie (which I loved, by the way), and I started to feel a little better again. Until I got home and started writing this entry. Hah.

At least I can take comfort in the fact that I'll most likely never see him again, especially since I live in a big city, and I never go to the mall.

And at least I can spend my usual Valentines Day (eating and watching sappy things while simultaneously hating every second of them) knowing that yes, I'm single, but at least I don't have to deal with any guy drama. I don't have to worry about why a guy didn't talk to me that day, or why he didn't text me, or why he doesn't like me. I can live my life without worrying about these things.

Here's to a decent Single Awareness Day, Internet. If you're taken, have a grand ol' time with your significant other, and if you're single like me, screw the romance, just have fun. (And don't talk about your homeschooling when nobody asks about it and don't say 'Have a nice day' when it's already nighttime.)

xo Hopeless Romantic

(PS: Plus, I get to spend a good part of my Valentine's Day writing a research paper. How's that for romance, hmm?)

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