There's a few things about my blog that you should know.
I go by Hopeless Romantic for many reasons, but I guess one of them would be to protect the innocent. I'm not afraid to say what I think, so that also might be another reason. Haha. So, if some person I know irl were to come here and read every single one of my entries, they probably wouldn't know it was me. That's also why I make nicknames up for people I blog about.
I'm probably a lot more different than what most people would expect someone my age to be. Sure, I love clothes and make up and I'm a huge sucker for boybands.
But, I've been told that I have an old soul (Google it). Who knows? Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But please, take me seriously. That is all I ask. I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship before, so I don't throw the word 'love' around like a hot potato.
But I'm bound to have many crushes on the way, so, please enjoy reading about my roller coaster of a life.

Name : Sarah

I'm black, age 23.

Waist length hair, baby face, social anxiety.

Likes: Daydreaming, writing, reading, learning, fashion, eating, movies, all kinds of music, the color pink, kpop/jpop, kdramas/jdramas, the hollow heart emoticon, things that are cute, making people laugh, comic books.

Hates: Spiders, clubbing and or partying, really hot weather, close minded people, bigots, extreme sports.

contact:

email : here.
[NEW]twitter: @xohplssrmntc
follow me on twitter!♡


F.A.Q.

"Where are you from?"
The United States, in the western region of the country. I used to say 'mid-west', but just so you know, I didn't actually know what it meant, and I was using it wrong. Haha.

"Who do you think you are?"
Someone who's scared of everything and who hasn't completely figured out how to live yet.

"If you're so afraid of love, why are you so obsessed with it?"
I still haven't figured that out. But aren't we all?

{ ♡ }

imboycrazy I Wrote This for You. Le Love Gala Darling Caroline Calloway Insta-Memoir
if you'd like to be listed here, let me know!
Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

And why do they come back to haunt you at the most inconvenient times?

Internet, I need to be blatantly, even bleakly honest with you. In a way that I haven't in a while.

But first, let me tell you about this book that I just finished reading called Lola and the Boy Next Door. (WARNING!!! Many many many spoilers ahead for this book, and if you haven't read it and want to read it and don't want it to be totally and completely spoiled for you, stop reading now!!)

This book is about a few things, but MAINLY it's about a girl named Lola and the guy she has a long, complicated history with, Cricket. I read this book in a few weeks, and the entire time I read it, there were a lot of things I was feeling.

You know when you read a book, and this book just gets you? Like, it brings up all of the things you needed to hear at that exact moment in time, and it takes your feelings, puts a knife in them, and twists it over and over again? That was this book for me. I loved this book, but it was excruciating for me.

You see, in the book, Cricket is the boy that Lola loves. And he lives next door sometimes, but other times, he moves around. A lot. And the biggest part of their past that's brought up in the book is the last time Cricket moves away, and right before that when Lola falls in love with him, hard. When she was 15 years old.

Sounding familiar so far? Well, at the beginning of the book is when Cricket's family moves back from somewhere far away, after she fell in love with him, an entire two years later. When she's 17.

What? What's that you say? No, nobody wrote a book about my life. This is EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BOOK. I swear to God you guys, opening this book and reading it was like stepping into my own past.

So. You see why this book was hard for me to read?

And in addition to this: during the holidays, and New Years, for the first time in almost 3 years, I was thinking about Ricky Bobby. A lot.

You guys...this is so incredibly hard for me to admit. So humiliating for me to admit, in fact, that I almost didn't. I've been agonizing over whether to even write this entry. Still debating over whether or not to post it. (I probably will. I'll still be humiliated, though.)

Part of me is hoping that it's partly due to the holidays and such...I tend to get very nostalgic during this time of year. I was nostalgic and sad during Christmas 2013 too, but over entirely different people and for totally different reasons. So I was kinda hoping that it would just go away on its own.

Then I picked up this book with my giftcard I got for Christmas and started it. And got the reality ass-kicking of a lifetime.

To spoil how it ends (sorry), she and Cricket get their happy ending. And throughout their happy ending, all I could think about was how Ricky Bobby and I never had the chance for a happy ending.

This book brought up a whole mess of scary questions for me.

Lola took her chances and went for what she wanted. Why couldn't I have gone after what I wanted? Why was I not honest enough with myself to realize what I wanted in the first place? Cricket knew what he wanted, too. Did Ricky Bobby want me? And perhaps, by running away and breaking off contact with him because I was so scared of being hurt, did I hurt him? Was he going to tell me that he wanted me eventually, but I never gave him a chance? Did my own fear ruin my chances of having a first love?

The whole time I read this book, these questions consumed me. They chewed me up and spit me back out. To the point where I felt like the pressure was building up and up and up and I was going to explode.

In addition to all this, things with Brennan have come to an abrupt halt on my end. After a while of thought, I realized I definitely wasn't interested in him that way at all, and that he was really into me and I wasn't being fair. (Or that he's still into me. He still acts like he is, so...I don't know.) I'm trying to avoid the 'let's just be friends' talk with him for now, especially since we've had it before already and I don't enjoy confrontation. But I know that keeping quiet about it isn't good either.

But this entire thing has frustrated me all over again. Is the dating world supposed to be this hard? Some people make it look so easy. Dipping in and out of relationships with ease. Some being able to have nice, actual serious relationships. And here I am, me, who's never had anything work out enough to even have one single boyfriend. Is it me? Is it my fault?

So under all of this stress in my mind, I don't think I was in my right mind. And I did something.

I sent a friend request to Ricky Bobby on Facebook.

Honestly...I'm embarrassed. This is just like 5 years ago. Why am I constantly repeating myself? Going in circles?

I think I thought maybe that if I added him on Facebook, it would help calm the loud questions in my head, give me peace of mind. So I sent him a request, and he accepted the request, and for about a week afterwards, I felt better. I let it be, and I had some peace.

Until one night I made the mistake of letting curiosity get to me. And I went to look at his page.

Yep, I snooped. Like I was freaking 17 years old again. I think everyone does this on social networking sites, and I actually do this with other people too. But this time...felt different. It was like, from the beginning, I was purposely looking for something. Maybe that's why it felt wrong. (By the way...he's like...hairy. The face scruff has turned to almost a full blown beard now, and his hair on his head is super long. He's just...hairy.)

Maybe consciously, I didn't know what I was looking for. Scrolled through pics of him at his job, party pics, with almost zero emotion. But then abruptly, after I was scrolling for a while, my heart stopped and my breath caught. I'd found it.

Him and his ex. Lots and lots of pictures of him and his ex.

Pictures of them hugging, pictures of them with their faces squished together, pictures of him with his arm around her shoulders. Lots and lots of pictures.

And within all of those pictures, I found something else. Something scary. Terrifying.

I felt jealous.

I felt a jealousy so deep, so intense that my heart was pounding loud in my ears and my face was red and my hands were shaking. At the same time, I was trying to calm myself down. This reaction was crazy, I knew it. And I felt completely irrational.

And staring at those pictures, I could think of only one thing: 'That could've been me.' 

Where was this coming from suddenly? Was it just ghosts of old emotions, coming back to trick me? Or worse, were they current emotions, back strong and real and there? 

So, as frustrated as I was, the day after this happened, I had a long talk with my mom. And told her everything. About the book I was reading bringing up everything again, about me thinking about him again, about the ex pictures. Everything. And mind you, me and my mom talk about everything. I tell her everything that's on my mind, and during the holidays, I'd brought up Ricky Bobby to her at least 2 different times. But this time it was different.

"I think...I think I felt jealous over his ex." I told her after explaining the request getting accepted and all the pictures to her. "I don't want to be jealous, but it was uncontrollable." I told her that I kept thinking that his ex could've been me. "I couldn't help it, it just came over me and I don't know why."

And then my mom said something that was kind of devastating. "It's because you still have feelings for him."

I sat there, mouth agape. Because she said exactly what I'd been afraid of this entire time. And then I closed my eyes, put my hands over my eyes and started crying. "But it doesn't make any sense," I said. "I haven't seen him in over 4 years."

She said softly, "Emotions aren't supposed to make sense. Sometimes they don't."

I kept crying into my hands. "I feel like I'm crazy."

All she said was, "I know."

Yeah.

Internet............to be totally honest with you, my headspace has scared me lately. And my emotions have scared me lately. My head knows this is impossible, knows that 4 years is entirely too late to think this way, and that he's likely never thought of me once in the past couple of years. My head knows that reacting this way to a book is completely irrational and insane. My head knows that people change a lot in the space of 4 years; hell, I've changed so much that some people might find me unrecognizable compared to how I was/how I looked 4 years ago. My head knows that logically I don't even know him anymore.

But the emotional side of me keeps telling me, over and over, that what I felt for Ricky Bobby was special. And rare. And the more I get older, the harder it will be for me to find it. Maybe I might never find it again.

And increasingly, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at myself for never letting myself fully realize how I really felt about him. I'm angry at myself for being afraid of taking a freaking chance, for once in my life, and going for something even though it could've ended in utter failure.

Say the Noodles & Co scenario happened now, would I have taken the risk? Absolutely. I would have called Johnny, asked to hang out with him and Ricky Bobby soon, and taken the initiative. I would have finally, finally, told him how I felt about him. I have more confidence and self esteem now than I did then, so it makes sense. But I wish I would have back then anyway, even if he had rejected me again. At least I would have had closure.

Because that's what I think this is. I never had proper closure with Ricky Bobby.

And all this time, I was willfully pushing him to the back of my mind and distracting myself with other things instead of truly dealing with things and truly moving on. Instead of running away. When I still had time, and before it was too late. Before he got back together with the girl he almost dated in Pennsylvania before he moved back, and started a long distance relationship with her.

From what I can tell, they dated from the start of 2012 and broke up late 2013. If he dated anyone since then, I don't know. But I remember thinking how ironic it was that he almost dated someone there before he moved back here, thinking that that could've been me. And then looking at all their couple pictures now, and thinking the same thing.

What kills me the most is thinking that maybe probably the biggest difference between me and her was that she was braver. More confident. Went after what she wanted, just like Lola.

And me? Frozen by fear. Just like with everything else in my life. Letting fear and pride get in the way of what I truly wanted.

So Internet...reaching this epiphany of mine of the past couple of weeks has been truly painful.

Before any of you worry, I won't be acting on this. I definitely won't. Not like I could anyway. Even though he lives in my state still, he still lives hours away, so I won't be running into him. Johnny and I aren't friends anymore. And I have a feeling that Ricky Bobby accepted my friend request out of pity, or because he accepts every friend request, so I won't be talking to him on there either. But at least my curiosity has been cured, so there's that.

Realistically, the only thing left to do now is to try and learn from all of this. I don't know if I'll ever feel about someone else the way I did about Ricky Bobby. But when I do, I hope I'll have the courage to act. Because acting is better than running away from it, which is infinitely worse.

These questions about him and I, and all of the what ifs, will probably haunt me forever. But that's my fault, and I have to deal with it. And I will. I just need time.

So for now, my foray into the dating world may be on halt again. After all, first I need to figure out what to do about Brennan.

Part of me thinks that maybe letting things fade into casual friendship might be the best thing--you know, instead of confrontation that could lead to a big blowout and never talking again. So that may be what I'll do. But if he does ask, then I'll tell him the truth and hope for the best.

And meanwhile, I'll be grudgingly preparing myself for the upcoming Single Awareness Day season. Ugh.

But I'll be all right, Internet. Just give me some time. Don't worry, okay? But for future reference, don't be like me. Be a Lola.

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: books, brennan, facebook problems, fear, long posts are looong, love, past stuff, ricky bobby, sarah flipping a shit but what else is new, scary stuff

This is SUPER late (as are all of my other holiday things this year, including my cards...what do you mean Christmas has already ended?? Are you sure?? It can't be!!) so my apologies for that.

But I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season, and that 2015 will be lovely to each and every one of you.

2014 was a difficult year on one hand, but on the other hand, I made some pretty big accomplishments, school being one of them. If there's nothing else I'm proud of myself for from 2014, it's going back to school.

I'm also quite proud of myself for putting on my brave pants and going on 2 dates, which was 2 more than in 2013 or 2012, hahaha. So yes, big accomplishment for me as well!

And I'm proud of myself for getting my sense of style together and gaining (just a little bit) more confidence than I had in 2013. I attribute this to some positive lifestyle changes lately (moving into a quieter environment, dieting during the summer and exercising regularly, going back to a regular social environment i.e. school). All of them together made me feel less like an alien, less like some recluse that had no life at all. I feel more normal now, and much less anxious and sad than I used to be. And that is such a big accomplishment in itself that I couldn't ask for more, tbh.

But for 2015, these are my resolutions:

1. Get a part time job. This is the biggest next step for me. I'd definitely want it to be part time, so that I could balance everything else, but having my own money (besides having give or take about 20 bucks normally) would just be...INDESCRIBABLE. I think at this point in my life, it would make things a lot easier for me. I'd have money to buy things for school, and just regular everyday things that I need, and wouldn't have to rely on other people for them (which I hate). I want to get this accomplished for sure.
2. Continue part time school to the best of my ability. A part time school schedule has been working so well for me, so I'm going to continue that. Also, I won't try to be perfect at it and worry about being perfect, I'm just going to do my best.
3. Continue to take good care of myself, including what I've been doing with my new skincare routine, my hair care routine (of course), and as soon as spring comes, eating better again for the warmer months and exercise regularly again. It worked so well for me last summer that I'd like to do it again this year! 

Hopefully these things combined will help me build even more self confidence in the new year. May 2015 be the Year of Confidence for me and for all of you guys!

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: 2015, christmas 2014, new year, resolutions

Hey Internet!

So, for the past couple of months I've been busy, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Getting used to school life again this semester went really well, and I adjusted much faster than I thought I would. I actually am feeling quite proud of myself for how well I handled this semester. (It was only one class, so it was pretty easy to handle, but I still feel really proud, haha.) I also finished the class strong. (I forgot to check my final semester grade online before the semester ended, but I got As on all of my essays, midterm, and I got a B+ on my final, so I'm pretty sure I did great!) As you already know, this was a huge step for me, and I'm proud of myself for even starting and finishing strong.

Going back to school is my biggest accomplishment of 2014, and it gives me some confidence for next semester as well.

So aside from getting used to school again, I've also been continuing some of the social growth I started over the summer. As in...I've been talking to somebody.

NOW WAIT. Before you get all excited, let me assure you, we're just friends.

But with Kenneth moving to New York City back in July(did I mention that here? If not, yeah he moved. It's too bad, we had planned to meet up again before he left, but I ended up getting sick and had to cancel. He was super sweet about it though, told me that he wanted me to get some rest so I could get better and that maybe one day we'd see each other again. Aww.), I kinda wanted to meet someone else to talk to now and then.

SO. His name's Brennan*, and we've been talking since the end(?) of July. He was really flirty with me from the get-go, which sort of overwhelmed me at times, but he's nice and knows all about my weird hobbies and doesn't judge me for it (HAH).

For about 2 months, October to the beginning of this month, we stopped talking for a bit because honestly I kind of felt like things might progress, and I wasn't into it, so talked to him honestly and said that I wasn't ready to date someone right now and that I'd prefer to stay friends. He was cool about it, though, which was nice. (I actually...haven't rejected anyone? At least not that way. It was a strange new experience for me.)

So the beginning of this month, I got bored with finals stress and decided to download Tinder again (which I'd deleted for a few months to focus on school as well), and we ended up matching again, haha. So we started talking again, and then...

On Christmas Eve Eve (two days before Christmas) we had a coffee date.

God, it still feels so weird for me to talk about dates. This was my second date this year, Internet. SECOND. What's happening to me? Who is this person???

It wasn't as long as the date with Kenneth, so I'll keep it fairly simple:

So. The night before our coffee date, it snowed. Which made commuting the next morning pretty exhausting. I was pretty damn late, like 20-25 minutes late, which I kept apologizing for over text on my way there.

I was already pretty nervous, so I felt pretty terrible on the way. But at least I looked really cute. (I'm telling you, Internet. Going back to school has put my makeup and fashion game BACK ON POINT. I think after 21 years I have FINALLY gotten my sense of style down. I don't want to jinx it, but I feel like I have a sense of style for the first time in like 4 years. And ngl, I looked pretty damn good on that date. Snap snap snap.)

So, I walked in, and I couldn't spot him at first, because he was sitting on the bar stools on the side. Then I noticed a guy bent over his phone with a beanie on the back of his head. I slowly walked over to him, unsure, and I said, "Brennan?" And he turned around.

He was smaller in person than I had imagined. He stood up, and for a moment I wondered if I shouldn't have worn heels. He was about an inch taller than me with my heels on. We hugged, a little awkwardly. He was pretty quiet, which worried me. Then my knees were shaking, so I told him I was gonna buy my drink, and while I was buying it I tried to compose myself. I was pretty successful, and by the time I came back I had loosened up a bit, which made him loosen up too.

We began to talk, and really it was just like us talking over text, only I tried to talk more to fill up any silences. We get along well, and I thought that he was nice to talk to.

It only lasted about an hour and 15 minutes, because he had to go to work, but overall it went nicely. But...here's the thing.

Brennan's nice. He's sweet. Seems kind of more introverted, like I am. Takes school seriously (I think his major is computer science?). Doesn't judge me for my weird hobbies and ramblings about my favorite books and writing, in fact he said it's nice to hear people talk about what they're passionate about (which I liked). Met my dad by chance when he was pulling up to pick me up and called him sir and shook his hand (which my dad liked). And I would definitely for sure hang out with him again.

But.........there was no chemistry.

Dammit. This is really starting to irk me. It's like...all the people that I should have chemistry with I just have...none. Why?? WHY??

And the thing is...with Kenneth...I definitely found him attractive. Within the first 10 minutes of meeting him, I knew I was immediately attracted to him. But Brennan...god. I want to be attracted to him. I really really do. Considering his personality, I should be attracted to him. Why aren't I? I feel so bad that I'm not. I feel terrible.

It's not even like he's unappealing, or anything. He has a nice face. He's half white, half Chinese, with a little scruff on his chin, and he wears kitschy glasses that suit his face. He's not tall, but not short either. Cute smile. Maybe a little boyish, but that works really well on some guys.

When he talked, I kept staring at him, waiting for a spark, but there was just...there was none.

And I keep feeling like maybe I'm not giving him a fair chance, but really I am. I wouldn't have met him in person if I wasn't giving him a chance. I'd hoped that though we lacked a spark over text, maybe we'd have it in person...and for me, I didn't.

I still want to be friends with him though, definitely. I'm just sort of worried that he may be developing feelings for me while I don't feel that way about him.

There's no way to know for sure, though, unless he tells me. So I just...I don't know. Sigh.

But while I struggle over here with this foray into the dating world for the first time, my ex-classmates and ex-friends have been...well, I'll just say this bluntly...having babies.

I mean literally, having babies. And getting engaged. And married. I shit you not.

And one of them that has gotten engaged? Jazz. To her boyfriend of 3 years.

Guys...I didn't think I would have to deal with this until at least my mid-twenties. The fact that this is even happening already...surreal. And sort of...alienating.

I get that some people's goals and priorities are different, but I can count on two hands who has either had a child or gotten married already. And I mean...I don't judge them, it's their lives. But I can't be the only one that thinks that 20/21 is too young to get married and start a family. Right? I mean this is 2014, not 1950. Things are different now, or at least I thought they were.

But maybe it's this area. My city is compared to some parts in the south a lot, and for some cultural points and values important to many people here, we really might as well live in the south.

But...yeah. Jazz got engaged two weeks ago and flaunted it all over Facebook, or course. And of course I congratulated her, because even though I never went to school with him, I've met her fiance a handful of times and he seems to be a nice, stand up guy. So I'm happy she's happy.

It's just like...why now, you know? It's so soon. We're so young and have our lives ahead of us.

I definitely want to get married one day, but not anytime soon. Maybe 27 at the very earliest, and even that seems too soon sometimes. I want to go out, see the world, have my own career, my own life, before I even think about settling down. Even being in a relationship sounds stifling.

But hey, that's me. And that's her. And I just hope that if she makes me a bridesmaid, the dresses won't be ugly. (I'm such a good friend.)

And Fiddy (remember? From freshman year? Wow. Forever ago.) and the girl he knocked up 4 years ago got married around Thanksgiving. (They seem to be doing well. Good for them.) Two people that had babies recently? Jerry, with his current girlfriend (yes, the one that wanted to date me) which was a bit shocking (just think, if I'd given him my number, that could've been me. Yikes.). And most recently (two weeks ago)one of Rose's sisters, Lauren, in a shocking turn of events (she's a year and a half older than me, and I recall numerous times in high school that Lauren swore up and down that she never wanted kids, and that she hated babies. Welp.)

Sooooo...yeah. Like I said, alienating. Crazy.
Not in a bad way, it's just that I think of so many of these people the way that they used to be in High School. Kinda feels like babies having babies. I still feel like a kid sometimes, so I can't even imagine myself having a kid right now. Seems scary.

Adult life, man. This is weird.

But, hey. All things need adjusting, right? Now I'm just looking forward to a New Year, and my next semester in school.

I'll keep you guys updated on Brennan. I just...I hope there won't be any rejecting in the future. (Gulp.)

xo Hopeless Romantic 

Labels: adulthood, babies and marriage?!?, brennan, dates, growing up, online dating, tinder

You know how sometimes you look back on things in your life, and you wonder how you could have been so oblivious to something so obvious--and you just wonder how you couldn't see things clearly then?

Labels: ricky bobby, secrets

Internet, hey!!

So. I've been pretty busy the past month, which is why I haven't updated, and guess what for?

Preparation. For. School.

Yup. You read that right. School. Me. Going to school. After waiting for two years--but really, more like 5 years. Sitting in an actual classroom, listening to an actual lecture, having actual homework. For the first time in 5 whole years.

Mind blown, right?

I started last week. It's still really surreal...I didn't think it would feel real until I stepped through the doors of the campus on my first day. It felt sort of real then, and then felt sort of real on my second day. I think it'll feel sort of real doing and then submitting my first real homework too.

I think it'll finally feel like a solid, tangible, real thing that's happening when going to class becomes routine, and I get used to it. Maybe it hasn't fully hit me yet because it still feels like a special occurrence, like a two time thing and then that's it.

But still...it's happened. After all this time, it's happened.

Let me tell you all about the craziness leading up to it:

I knew I wanted--no, NEEDED--to start school this semester, or I would go completely raving, twitching, chair throwing insane. The anticipation has been building and building inside of me since this time last year, especially considering how things collapsed and didn't work out then. Ever since, I've been thinking restlessly about it.

I'd been feeling especially...how do I put it? Kind of...pathless. I'd been feeling especially pathless lately. Kind of empty. For a bit, I was okay with my lifestyle: no school and no job to fill my time, spending it bettering myself and doing things that I liked to do. But in recent months, that wasn't enough anymore. The things I filled my time with before were fragile and shallow, and only kept me happy for so long before I felt miserable again.

Not to mention that goals I had once set for myself had disappeared somewhere along the way, making me feel like my future was non-existent. That's how I knew that it was time now for school, for real this time.

So, I worked hard.

I studied for the placement test I had to take to place me into my beginning classes, and I went to the testing center and took it. I met with a guidance counselor to help me choose classes, I applied for financial aid (all for pretty much nothing in the end, but I'll get to that in a second), I registered for classes. I got it all done.

Now, unfortunately, because of some unforeseen complication with financial aid (not having the required paperwork for it, long story short my parents have not done their taxes yet because of financial issues and got an extension, but I can't get financial aid without my parents having that done) I had to drop 2 of my original 3 classes, giving me only 1 class to start out with this semester. (So that we could afford to pay for school out of pocket, since it's a community college.) I was pretty disappointed about that at first, especially because one of the classes I had to drop was ballet, which, if you've read this blog for a while now, you'd know that I've been wanting to take that for 2 YEARS NOW, haha. But, oh well. Maybe next semester?

So now, I'm taking English Composition, and I have class twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Easiest schedule ever, right? But I think it's the perfect way to ease my way back into school; not too much at once, and with a subject that I enjoy. Plus, my professor is cool. She used to be a screenwriter, and her and her husband run a karate dojo.

 I bought a cute cheap backpack online(baby pink and floral pattern!), some notebooks and pens and a binder, and now I'm taking this one day at a time. Even if it's only 1 class, it's a huge deal for me.

I'm finally doing something real with my life now. It's small, but it's something.

Plus: I made a classmate friend, Katherine*. She talked to me first on the first day of school, told me she liked my skirt. She's 19, almost 20, and took a year off between high school and college, and spends all her free time on the internet, like me! Hahaha. We've agreed to be each other's life line to the class, in case one of us is absent one day and we need the assignment, and so on. I was worried I wouldn't make any friends at all, let alone so soon, so this is a huge relief for me, and I feel really grateful.

Big steps and little steps, Internet. Big steps and little steps.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: ballet, college, firsts, school

Hey, Internet.

So, since my date with Kenneth, things have pretty much gone back to normal. I've been talking to my friends, working on my diet (including trying new recipes to try, I'm getting back into cooking and forgot how much how much I used to love it!) and working out.

I also talk to Kenneth once every few days, not about much really, just catching up and some small talk.

Despite all of the initial similarities to my experience with Drew, this whole thing with Kenneth has gone way better. I think it partly has to do with the fact that I'm older now, and slightly more mature and more independent than I used to be a few years ago. Part of the reason things went so downhill with Drew was that I had started to form a sort of expectation about things, since it had been the first time something like that had happened to me, I guess I was more naive about how things would work.

Also, it helped that Kenneth wasn't an ass (lol) and he actually treated me well, and that we were both clear from the start that we weren't looking for anything more than a friend.

But there's one thing that strikes me as hilarious: Let me be clear. Kenneth is an attractive man. A very, very attractive man. And in terms of all of my ideal personal preferences in terms of attraction: he's pretty much it. He works out, has a great physique, not too tall but still taller than me, sexy voice, actually knows a thing or two about my hobbies (he's Korean so he knows about kpop and kdramas and things of that nature that I'm interested in), gentlemanly, laid back, and kind.

BUT. Here's the thing. As for any sort of chemistry between us? Almost none. I'm almost 99% sure that there was 0 chemistry between us.

It's so weird because, again, for the past few years of this dry spell, if I had thought of the ideal person I'd want to date? HE WOULD BE IT. AND WE HAD NO CHEMISTRY AT ALL.

Crazy, right? CRAZY.

I suddenly have this understanding of what people who date all the time are talking about when they talk about chemistry. To be honest, I just never had enough experience with guys that were interested enough to ask me out, let alone discover if I had chemistry with someone.

And I'm starting to realize...chemistry is the thing, man. It's the foundation for feelings. If there's no chemistry...there's nothing.

Looking back, I had chemistry with Ricky Bobby. Definite chemistry with Ricky Bobby. There was always this palpable, heavy, thick, cut-the-air-with-a-knife tension between us every time we were near each other. I think he was the person I had the strongest chemistry with, even if neither of us were never willing to confront it.

And with Phil, we didn't have strong chemistry, but there was at least the nervous, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling when we talked to each other (or should I say the few times we talked to each other face to face. About him. And mostly him. Oy.). Even if I didn't have strong feelings for him, and they were fleeting, they were there.

With Drew, there was no chemistry. None. I was nervous around him, but I think that mostly came from the fact that I was meeting a stranger for the first time. There was really no physical attraction, at all.

But with Kenneth.....still no chemistry. But I was attracted to him! Extremely! He might be the single most attractive man to ever speak to me in my entire life! But..........still.........no.........chemistry.

I'm baffled, Internet. Simply baffled.

I mean...maybe it's partly because of the age difference. Maybe because we're aware of such a gap between us, not just age but our completely different lifestyles because of our ages, we're extra cautious about it. Or maybe it's all hormones and there just truly wasn't a connection on any other level besides getting along.

Part of me really wonders if I've lost the ability to feel that way about someone. That I only got that feeling with Ricky Bobby because I was really young, and it was the first time that I'd gotten really serious feelings for somebody.

But maybe that's just what it is. It's supposed to be rare, that's what makes it so special. I guess we're not meant to have strong chemistry with everybody that's attractive to us. And let's be real, that would get really messy for everybody. And painful. And crazy. But...chemistry. Man. What an interesting concept.

There was this reality show I watched a few days ago (I forgot the name of it, it was a Korean show). The basic idea of it was that the show selected 3 people and asked them what their ideal type was. Asked for as many details of their ideal type that they could come up with, like if they had a ~dream person~, who would it be. Then, after learning about all of this, they searched for a person that came the absolute closest to their ideal type and set them up together. Then for 30 days, they had to be an official couple and see how things go. And at the end of the 30 days, if they'd developed feelings for each other, then they would stay together.

It was SO good and hilarious and interesting that I watched all of the episodes back to back and finished it in one night. What struck me as the most interesting of all was that none of the 3 couples stayed together after the 30 days. There was even one couple, who were the youngest, both being 23 (I think? Or 21?) that had GREAT chemistry from the get go and by the end of the 30 days, the girl had utterly lost interest and was even a little annoyed by him.

It was fascinating and telling I think, because it showed even more that you could have the blueprint of your perfect ideal person laid out, detail by detail, and in the end you still might not have any feelings for that person at all when you meet them face to face.

So, when it comes down to it...I guess I don't really have an ideal type.

There are definitely some standout aspects that are still very important to me in what I'm looking for (gentleman that treats me well, sweet, smart, and an overall decent person), but now that I've gone out on a date with someone that definitely would have been my ideal type physically.....I know for sure that in the end an ideal type won't matter to me anyway.

After all, all of the guys that I have been into in the past have all been polar opposites from one another. I think I've said this before: I don't have a type, I just know what I like when I see it.
And I am pretty picky, I admit, but I don't discriminate over the trivial things (eye color, skin color, ethnicity, race, etc etc etc) and when I like what I see, then that's just what it is.

This was an eye opening experience for me in more than one aspect, and I think now that I'm starting to learn these things, I would be more open to going on a few dates once in a while.

I definitely won't be doing it frequently, but here and there can't hurt, right? Nothing awful came from this date with Kenneth, and in the end I felt proud of myself for doing it and putting myself out there for once.

Baby steps, Internet. Baby steps.

xo Hopeless Romantic

Labels: drew, kenneth, phil, ricky bobby, tinder

Internet...on Sunday, I did something kind of crazy. Crazy for me, anyway.

First, let me start with this: there came a time about a month about ago when fandom life sort of snuck up on me and something sort of devastating happened. I won't say what specifically, but it was basically any fan of a band's second worst nightmare (the first being one of the members of a band getting killed, god forbid.). But yes, something sad happened with my favorite band, and I cried for a few days about it.

And around that time, I needed some entertaining distraction. Which led me to creating a Tinder account. Yes, I know. This is the second time I've created an online dating account out of needing entertainment. (The first being when I made my OKCupid account.) I should really get rid of this habit, it brings chaos into my life.

It seemed harmless enough though, and I actually had the app once before for a while, before deleting it once I got bored. And that time, nothing ever came out of it.

Well. This time, it was fun the first day. I actually got 3 matches in a row, which was bewildering and hilarious to me. Then, the day afterwards, the glitz had worn off and everything about the app annoyed me. I literally just sat there, scowling and swiping 'no' on everybody until I got fed up and shoved my phone away, lmao.

That continued for a about a week, until one day I decided I should add a more recent picture, and an hour or two after I put it on my profile, one of the matches I'd had for a week messaged me. Let's call him Kenneth. It was the first message I'd ever gotten and it freaked me out slightly because I was sort of just hoping that no one would try to talk to me.

Craziest of all, he was a 28 year old that I'd only swiped right on because he was way too hot and out of my age range to even consider me, or so I thought.

So there I was, freaking out that a hot 28 man was trying to talk to me. I didn't even open it for 3 hours or so, but in the end, I sucked it up, opened it and hesitantly responded. That lead to talking for the rest of the night, and I'd hoped he decided I was boring and that would be it.

Until the next morning, when I woke up to a message asking if I wanted to get coffee that weekend. INSTANT PANIC AND NAUSEA.

The whole day I worried over it, trying to think of the best way to say no without hurting his feelings (although I didn't even know him, so I very well could have if I wanted to. But I have a hard time with disappointing people, so I couldn't bring myself to.). The worry extended to that night, the night that I mixed sangria and a margarita and it ended up dismally. (Which pretty much happened like this: "Must! Relax! Forget about Kenneth! Drink more! Drink! Is it dizzy in here? Must relax! More drin--*runs to bathroom to puke*"). So after I got home and was still somewhat tipsy, I gathered the courage and made an excuse about my cousin's birthday being the next day and having to be there (which was actually true! Just stretched a little bit.)

He was disappointed and sort of saw through my excuse, which made me feel bad. So the next day, I started conversation instead, and we talked that whole day and the day afterward, during which he asked me out 2 more times.
The second time, I brushed it off casually and changed the subject, and then the third time, after watching Frozen and feeling inspired (I love it, leaf me be.) I decided to say yes.

I don't know what possessed me to, but I said yes. Maybe part of it was that we had added each other on Instagram, and he had the opportunity to see some more of my personality and weird hobbies (kpop) and still wanted to meet me, I think that said a lot to me. And then seeing more of his personality and not seeing any reason to say no again. He seemed like a nice enough guy, and he treated me with respect, so why not?

So started the whole week I had to get prepare myself.

I made sure not to skip any exercise days, just to help with my confidence, and I did skin treatments and got my hair done on Saturday. Then Sunday came.

I woke up early, exercised, took a shower, and started getting ready. I'm not gonna lie, I was very nervous. But I kept thinking about how I felt the morning before meeting Drew and I couldn't help but make comparisons. I kept waiting for the real terror to come. I remembered how I was so nervous to meet Drew that I felt like I was going to vomit. I kept waiting for that, and it never came.

To be frank though, it helped that this wasn't the first time I was doing this. I somewhat knew what to expect more, and I wasn't just going in blind this time. Also, it helped that in my head, I was adamant on keeping things platonic, no matter what. No flirting. No physical contact whatsoever. Throughout making Tinder and starting to talk to him, I had the mindset that no relationship would come out of this, and that I had no interest in that at all. We would be friends hanging out, and that was it. No matter what.

So. I walked into the cafe, which was somewhat empty, and didn't spot Kenneth right away, but he recognized me immediately and walked over to me and said hi.

I don't remember a lot of the conversation at first, I just remember being superbly self conscious and sweating bullets from my armpits. We walked up to the counter for me to order a drink and without a word from him, he took out his wallet and paid for it.

This gave me a whole new surge of nervousness because holy crap, a guy just paid for me. But I mentally told myself to breathe and calm down, that it was no big deal, and that he was just being courteous.

So as I got my drink and we went to sit down on a sofa, we began to talk, and soon we were talking pretty much nonstop. And randomly, about 25-30 minutes into our conversation, he asks what the last movie I saw was. I told him it was Godzilla a few weeks ago, and that it was amazing. Then, after that, he asks, "Hey, wanna go see a movie?"

Before I could think too much into it and talk myself out of it, I immediately said, "Okay, sure!" I didn't even hesitate.

This, my friends, was when I became someone completely different. Not your normal, everyday timid and shy Hopeless Romantic. I became SARAH. Capital S, capital A, capital R, capital A, capital H. SARAH, who goes on spontaneous movie dates. SARAH, who doesn't feel intimidated by this guy who she met on an app, who happens to be even more attractive than he is in his Instagram pics, which rarely ever happens and is kind of mind blowing. I lost my mind and became this alter ego version of myself, this is the only explanation I have of this, honestly.

So, yes. We sat there and decided on a movie (at first he suggested 22 Jump Street and another action type movie, and when he suggested How to Train Your Dragon 2, I nearly jumped up in agreement because I am 12.) and then immediately left the cafe.

As I got into Kenneth's car, I consciously tried not to psych myself out again. (Screaming in my head, "Don't freak out about getting into his car! Don't freak out about being alone with in his car! Don't panic. Don't panic.") And on the way to the theater, we talked even more. Not a bad driver, by the way, but he has this habit of holding his phone in one hand which is generally a bad idea, but I tried not to let it freak me out.

We got there pretty soon, and as we got out of the car, the wind was UNBELIEVABLE and I cursed the moment I chose to wear a dress and wear my hair down because I had to bunch my skirt in one hand to prevent a full on Marilyn Monroe from happening.

Anyway, so we got out and went to buy tickets, and since we had a good half hour until the movie, we decided to walk around outside for a bit. We walked to a nearby shopping center and into a Whole Foods, where we bought some snacks for me to smuggle in my purse.

On the way back, we were passing my favorite bubble tea place, which I pointed out and he suggested we go in and get something there too. So we go in, and he asks what I usually order when I go there, and I tell him taro boba, thinking that maybe he wants to try it. So I just stand to the side while he orders, not paying any attention, and when he turns around with a taro boba for me and a drink for him, I'm flustered but grateful.

So then we went the theater again since the movie was starting soon, but before then he asked if I wanted popcorn, to which I said 'sure' and he bought yet another thing for me omg. He just...kept buying stuff for me! To be fair, I could've said no, so that's partly on me too, hahaha. I was just so shocked, I guess.

So we find seats and watch the movie (it was wonderful, by the way) and meanwhile he ate most of the popcorn and Whole Foods snacks, but I didn't mind, since I don't eat much during movies anyway. (Plus he bought it, so fair enough!) And after the movie ended and we walked out of the theater, he asked if I was hungry, and I said, 'Sure!' Again. I swear, that is SARAH's favorite word.

We look for nearby places to eat on his phone and we decide on a sit down burger place about 3 minutes away, and zip on over. He orders a burger and fries and I settle on some fries (because I'm not that hungry) and we find a booth and sit, where we talk for 2 more hours.

I remember feeling so grateful that he was such a good conversationalist, because there were never awkward silences or pauses where I didn't know what to say. We talked about a lot, so much that I can't seem to remember most of the conversation topics.

One thing that's worth mentioning, though, was that after some prodding from him, I admitted that I'd never had a boyfriend, and never been kissed. It kind of came from me telling him about my online school experience in high school and the unrequited love I had for Ricky Bobby (because he'd asked about it previously). I got the response I usually get for that, shock, amazement, exclamations of 'how?!', etc, etc. When I explained it in full, he got it, but he still seemed baffled. I also got the usual, "You're still young, though. You'll have your chance." Yawn. It was appreciated, though.

Also he told me that he'd just gotten out of a 2 year relationship in April, and that he has no interest in getting into a relationship for a while. And he told me about his dog, and I told him about my dog. And I told him about Rose and how we don't speak anymore.

We talked about a lot. More than someone would probably normally tell someone that they just met, lmao. But it was nice to just...talk to someone. And hang out with them.

Anyway, soon we realized that the sun was going down outside, so we left the restaurant and he drove me home. As I got out of his car and he walked me to my door, he mentioned we might be able to hang out again the following weekend, and I said that would be cool. We hugged (sort of awkwardly, it was hesitant and kind of weird, lol) and then I waved from my door as he drove away.

I'm still...kind of in a daze over the whole thing.

It just...doesn't feel real. I'm not used to these things happening to me. Because they just...don't. Not to me.

He was so...nice to me. And a gentleman. He opened doors for me, opened my car door for me, never said a word about paying for our stuff and even said that my dress was pretty. One thing that really sticks out to me even now was in the movie theater, when I was struggling to get my 3D glasses package open, he calmly handed me his already open 3D glasses to wear instead. Not gonna lie, I melted. Just a little bit.

I don't think a guy has ever treated me with so much kindness and respect, even as a friend.

But as I told my friends when I recounted all of this to them, even though it went very, very well, and I had a great time, this is definitely not going to go anywhere. And I don't mean that in a negative way. Just that, realistically, it can't go anywhere. For the following reasons:

1. The age difference. I didn't notice it the majority of the time when we hung out, and honestly I never thought I would go out with anyone 7 years older than me, at least while I'm this young. So even meeting him at all was a big thing for me. But we are at very different stages of our lives. He's been out of school for a while, working as an electrical engineer. I've been out of school for 2 years now, and only just starting college in the fall (which he knows about, by the way). Very different lives. He's a man, and I'm still a girl.
2.  The fact that he just got out of a serious relationship. I don't know a lot about serious relationships, but I get the general idea that when you get out of one you don't look for another relationship for a while. As he told me himself. And I'm not looking for a serious relationship either, now and for a long time. I'm trying to get myself and my life together, and I don't need a distraction from that. 
3. The fact that he's moving soon anyway. He moves out of state to Chicago for a new job somewhere around mid-July, so yeah. There's that too. (Random, but GDI what is it with me and guys that move away?!) 

Labels: alter ego sarah, dates, drew, kenneth, online dating, tinder

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