♡ the life of a 25 year old hopeless romantic ♡

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"This song is talking to the person you haven't even met yet. Maybe they're rolling around in the hay with someone else, but they're not as good as you're gonna be. You just have to wait your turn. He's out there, she's out there. They're just learning what to contrast you against."






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the way it goes.}
Monday, April 4, 2016 | 7:22 PM | 0Comment


Hey, Internet. I have some updates for you, fresh outta the oven! And believe me, these updates are probably nothing like you were expecting.

SO, first off, and most importantly: MY BIRTHDAY. WOOOOO.

After a fun and happy, easy-going birthday, this Hopeless Romantic is now 23 years old.


(Above is the birthday cake of my wildest dreams.)

23. What? Wow. That's how old I am now? Wasn't I 17 exactly two seconds ago? What the hell, man. How did that happen?

But, yes. Long story short: birthday was great.

Full of lovely birthday wishes, family, italian food, wine, and red velvet cupcakes (which I'm eating right now!!). Not to mention two giant pink '2' and '3' helium balloons, which are amazingly still afloat and are directly to my left as I type. I also received a beautiful pink quilt which I had actually seen in a store a week prior and kept beating myself up afterwards for not having money with me when I saw it. (Thanks mom for sneaking and getting it for me.) That quilt is really gonna save my ass at night during the warm months, it'll be much less sweltering hot than my thick comforter.



Really, it was good that my birthday and the day after was so great. Because the 3 and a half days afterwards totally sucked.

The morning after my birthday I at least got to go see a movie I've been wanting to see, and so that was fun. Then, that evening, I got a migraine.

I took my migraine medicine, which has caffeine in it, resulting in me staying up until 3:45 in the morning. Then, 15 minutes after I finally went to sleep, my lovely sweet senior-aged pup had some gastrointestinal stress. Resulting: she shit all. over. my. bedroom floor.

Diarrhea everywhere. At 4 am.

So, lol. Yeah. Not so great.

After that happened, I proceeded to have severe allergies and sinus issues, which is currently still happening. NOT FUN.

But, hey. At least my birthday this year was great, and I have a positive memory of it! Soooo, moving onto less disgusting updates. (Sorry.)

Let's talk about what I know most of you are dying to hear about: Amad.



Hm. Where to start? Well, maybe I'll start with the fact that he hasn't moved yet!

Unexpected, right? Well, here's another unexpected tidbit: We haven't talked since February.

Hah...yeah. But not for lack of trying, on my part. Yep. That's right. I have texted him on two separate occasions since then, and guess what?

Nada. Nothing. Ignored. Ignored hard.

Incredibly, he's still been liking my Instagram pictures. But still can't respond to my texts. Amazing. And, you know what? I've gotten the sneaking suspicion that he really did get my text that time and really did just ignore me. Since he seems to be pretty damn good at doing that.

So...that's it, I guess. Game over.

Yeah, I mean, it's great and all that he hasn't moved yet, which I don't know the reason for, by the way. I was going to ask him why he hadn't moved yet one of the times I tried to reach out, but uh, yeah. Guess I'll never know. Guess it doesn't matter to me anymore, either.

He's made it clear he doesn't want to go out with me anymore, so I won't try to change his mind. You either like me, or you don't. That's not my problem, and it's not my job to try and convince someone else that I'm worthy of them. I already tried that once and suffered (R*cky B*bby in the 8th grade) and I have no intention of ever doing that again. I have more pride than that.

At first I was annoyed and confused. Now I'm just tired of whatever this was. I'm over it.

So long, Amad. Not sure why you decided to pull the disappearing act after being so into me, but I'll live.



I feel like I have done this little thing called moving on about a thousand times already. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it really sucks, and sometimes it's hard. But I have to do it, and so I'll keep doing it when I need to. As many times as it takes.

He wasn't what I thought (or hoped) he'd be. He really was the immature little asshole that I'd hoped he wasn't. He disappointed me. And that's alright. That happens. Sometimes that's just the way it goes. That's life.

So, as I move on, I'll continue to swipe on Tinder--mostly to the left, along with eye rolling and and heavy sighs.

Onto some other news: MY JOB.

Watching Sally in February turned out great, she was a sweet puppy. After that, I had a few more meetings with potential clients that didn't turn into a real sitting opportunity because of certain aspects not working out.

Also, a week after I watched Sally...I had one of my trademark clumsy moments.

I sprained my knee badly one night as I was killing a bug. Don't ask me how I did it, I still have no idea!! I've been wearing a brace on my knee for a month and a half, and have also been elevating and icing it consistently. I've had an ape-like hobble of a walk for quite a while now, but I think all of this treatment is finally paying off.

It still hurts, but it's better. Not nearly as bad as it was.

But obviously, it's set me back in terms of working. I've barely been able to walk, let alone play with a dog every day and deal with sweet little fur babies slamming into my knees even though they don't mean to but bless them those little darlings are CLUMSY. So I've been taking a hiatus lately to heal, so also no money lately. Sadface.

BUT. I just had a great meeting yesterday, and the deal was sealed immediately: I watch their sweet little pumpkin the whole first week of June. Woohoo!

And if my knee is still not 100% by then (but it probably will be) then I won't have to worry about aggravating my injury, because their little dog is so close to the ground and tiny that it won't even be a problem. Yay.



With a healing knee and healing pride, things are looking up once again, Internet.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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triumphs and complications.}
Thursday, February 4, 2016 | 7:30 PM | 0Comment

Hoo boy, Internet.

I got some updates for you, and of course some more trademark Hopeless Romantic rantings. Buckle up.

What should I update you on first? Well, since technically my blog is a dating blog, why don't I start with what y'all really want to hear about: Amad.

So, after I wrote my last entry, I waited for his next move, aka setting up when we would figure out a set day and everything. No move came, except for some more likes from him on Instagram here and there. And so I kept waiting. And I waited.

And waited. And waited. And waited.

And I spiraled further into madness.

Two weeks had officially passed since the initial asking out, and two solid weeks of radio silence followed. Two weeks where I had basically overthought every possible thing and dug myself into a hole that I sat at the bottom of and thought about how he was totally not into me and I had misunderstood his asking out entirely or that he had been into me but something I did made him totally uninterested again and it was my fault and GAME OVER. (Holy run-on sentence Batman.)

I had basically overthought myself into an actual funk, a terrible mood that lasted for two days, and it did not feel nice. So after digging myself out of this hole/funk, and feeling somewhat decently again, I decided to do a Bold Thing.

Said Bold Thing is something that I rarely do with guys I am interested in: initiating conversation first when we have never ever had an actual real conversation before.

Doing this Bold Thing was so intimidating for me, for a couple of reasons.

  1. In my mind, he had already rejected me once. I'm talking about when he first gave me his number and I sent him a text after many a deliberation and angsting and he totally blew me off. Yes, in my mind, this is a rejection. Yes, I know it was a relatively small action, but to me it seemed blunt: he'd changed his mind. He had no real interest in getting to know me, and had no interest in talking.
  2. Because of my long streak in middle school and high school of never* having any guys that I liked liking me back, I developed a very strong fear of rejection. In developing this strong fear, I basically overcompensated with either never** telling guys I liked that I liked them or avoiding every possible situation of developing serious feelings.
(*with maybe the exception of R*cky B*bby when he moved back in the 11th grade, to be honest, I'm still very iffy on this.)
(**with the exception of Phil, which ended up being mistaken feelings anyway and I will regret it until I'm 97.)

I've talked about this here before. For me, when it comes to guys, avoiding = safe. A guy's too attractive? Avoid at all costs. A guy's showing interest in me? Avoid avoid avoid. A guy's trying to talk to me? Definitely avoid.

Of course that would leave me with no options and a completely dead love life for years, but I liked it that way. Things were simple. Uncomplicated. Safe. Worry-free.

So, in summary: for me, sticking my neck out and actually risking being vulnerable and hurt if Amad rejected me a second time?

It filled me with terror down to my very bones.

It took a few of my anti-anxiety remedies so that I wouldn't have a panic attack, and giving myself a lengthy pep talk...but in the end, I typed out my message to him (Something to the effect of, "Hey. Are we still on for that lunch? I figured if we're gonna meet, we should probably at least talk to eachother? Haha."), swallowed my terror, and sent it.



Internet. You know what happened?

He replied 15 minutes later.

ALL THAT SELF TORTURE, ALL THAT WORRYING. FOR NOTHING. GAH. I'M SUCH AN IDIOT YOU GUYS.

It turns out, that first text I sent him? He never actually got it. And he thought I was ignoring him.

Omg. The entire rejection was completely in my head. All that overanalyzing and mental gymnastics over a misunderstanding. Story of my life.

Amad being interested in me was the very least of my worries, because y'all...he is definitely interested in me. Most definitely.

After the initial lunch-asking-out, he's asked me out 2 more times. One was to hang out at his brother's house (which I of course said no to because it was 10pm and I was in my pajamas and warm bed and was eating Cheez-Its and tbh I wondered for a moment if he was joking), and another was to have dinner at his family's restaurant (which I said no to because I had literally just finished eating dinner with my family, but that I might have to take him up on that sometime, because between you and me his family's restaurant is actually really successful and I've wanted to eat there since before I even knew who Amad was).

Fast forward to now: our city just had a huuuuuuge snowstorm hit, and we're pretty much buried in snow and ice right now, which again makes meeting up for that lunch impossible. But we're both definitely interested in meeting still, so I have a feeling we'll find a way to soon. Which you will hear about if it happens. Gulp.



But like I said: him being interested in me is the least of my worries. Because there's some bad news, which I found out during our first conversation.

Amad is moving out of state. To the west coast. At the end of February, aka in less than a month.

Now first of all, let's get this out of the way, I know what you're thinking. This makes it the 3rd time a guy I'm somewhat interested in is moving halfway across the country.

What is with this? Is it me? Am I just inexplicably, instinctively only drawn to guys who are moving away and I'll probably never see again? Do I just have the worst luck with potential romances in the entire world?

So, yeah. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. When he told me that, my heart sunk. Part disappointment, part relief because to be honest, I had just been waiting for something to be wrong. So now that I knew what was wrong, it took some of the edge off.

I've been thinking about it ever since, even during some of our other conversations, and I have a lot of mixed feelings about it.

Here's the thing, Internet. Amad is very attractive. Very, very attractive. He's smart, socially aware, driven, artistic, loves his family more than anything else, and dresses REALLY well (not to mention his hair is possibly the best hair I have ever seen in my life point blank). And I am more attracted to him than I have been attracted to anybody in a long, long time. Not since R*cky B*bby have I felt this attracted to someone's personality and looks all wrapped up together like this.

I remember just a year ago today that I was thinking I would never be drawn to anyone else like that. But with Amad? I have the same feeling. I haven't met him in person yet, so yes there's a possibility that I'm 100% wrong and it was just an illusion. But I have this need to meet him so badly. So badly. I never want to meet someone right away like this. To be honest, it scares me a little.



The logical part of me knows that this can't end well, in endless different ways. The biggest one being that he's moving 500 miles away in 3 weeks.

Let's think about all the possible outcomes here.

Even if we meet, we could have a terrible first date, one that I would look back on cringing for years. But what if it went extremely well? So what? Would we date casually for 2 more weeks and then he'd peace out and move and we'd never talk again? Would I even be able to do that without getting too attached in the first place?

Considering I never even dated R*cky B*bby, my feelings were 1 sided, and I was miserable for months after he moved, I don't think I could. When I develop feelings for someone, I develop them hard and quick. When I developed feelings for RB, they swept me off of my feet so quickly, I didn't know what had hit me. It was also completely out of my control. So I wouldn't be able to keep myself from developing feelings, and it would all end in my heartbreak.

Say things between us went amazingly, and we decided to have a long distance thing. How well could that possibly turn out? He would be the first boyfriend I've ever had, and I've never had a boyfriend that even lived here. 

How would I be able to handle my first relationship with someone that lived 500 miles away from me, and one that was weeks old to boot? It would be impossible. I would go insane.

His moving to the west coast isn't temporary, either. He's moving there to pursue his dream, acting and filmmaking. He even told me he's been working hard and saving up money for months. This move would likely be permanent, aside from visits home to see his family, who all live here.

And considering my financial situation at this time, I don't foresee me being able to visit him out there. I have friends who live there, and I've never been able to visit them, either. All because of money issues. There would be phone calls, texts, and Skyping--but how long would it take for those to become tedious and not enough for either of us?

All of this would be so unrealistic. It's about a 1000 times more complicated than a relationship would be if he weren't moving and we still lived on the same side of town, i.e. a normal one. And a normal relationship in itself would be complicated enough already (because of work for the both of us, money for me, my social anxiety, my lack of license and car).

Why would I get involved with this and make everything needlessly complicated and painful for myself?

Honestly, I wonder how people even make relationships work at all. To me, they seem like the most complicated thing to achieve. It's no wonder how I've never been in one at age 22. With all of these complications flying around, how would it even be possible for me?

After this much thought, Internet, I'm not sure I should follow through with meeting him.

Honestly, it makes me wish I had met him months and months ago. So that I had gotten enough time to get to know him and hang out with him before he had to move. Because when he moves at the end of this month, it'll be too late.

I keep thinking about our first conversation over text. We were talking about what we wanted to achieve, and who we wanted to be. I told him about my dreams of being a published author (which he was impressed by), and he told me about his dreams of being an accomplished filmmaker.

I asked him how long he'd been interested in filmmaking, and he told me he'd been making his own films for 7 years. I was impressed, and I told him that I bet he'll kick ass once he breaks into the industry.

And he said, "We both will."

Boom. Chills. Everywhere.

I don't know why that's been resonating with me so much. Maybe because so many people that I meet brush off my dreams as if they're simple, or not impressive enough. Or they look down on me, as if they doubt that I'm smart enough to write.

So when someone, even someone that I've never met before, tells me that they believe that I can do it...it gets to me. Goes straight through me to my soul. And I've never talked to a guy that seemed genuinely supportive of my dreams before. Ever.

I shouldn't let that one sentence get to me so much, but it did. And it still is.

Internet, I'm conflicted.

On the one hand, I want to be logical and think things through. I want to protect myself and save myself the trouble and complications.

On the other hand...I'm tired of always walking away from situations that seem too messy, or complicated, or hard. I'm tired of looking back and regretting letting people and opportunities go. I'm tired of regrets, period. This other part of me wants to let go of my fears for once in my life and just go for it, see where the cards fall and go with the flow, consequences be damned.

Amad is someone special, I really feel it. Do I really want to pass this up and take the easy way out just because it might be hard?



Sigh. I always have wanted guys that are unattainable.

In other (better) news: FIRST SITTING JOB. THIS WEEKEND.

Yes, Internet, that's right. This weekend I officially start my career as a dog sitter with my first client, a cute year and a half old black lab named Sally. Yay!!

Her owners are going on a skiing trip. So this weekend will be full of playing with Sally, watching Sally, and juggling Sally and my dog at the same time. Wish me luck!

I'll update soon and let you guys know how it goes. And I'll also offer an update on the Amad situation...sigh.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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up in the air. (new year, new rollercoasters.)}
Saturday, January 23, 2016 | 9:33 PM | 0Comment

Happy 2016, Internet.

How has your new year been so far? How has accomplishing your resolutions been going?

As for me, the first three weeks of 2016 have been...unexpectedly up and down.

I'll get to the ups in a minute, but as for the downs...well. Sometimes you gotta get some the downs out of the way, regardless of when. I didn't think that would happen the first two weeks of 2016, but there we go.

I have to say, the passing of Alan Rickman really got to me. It probably sounds ridiculous to some people, but he was one of my favorite actors. I may not have known him personally, but he still felt like family, in a way. Outside of his many roles, he was also a wonderful man. Rest in peace, Alan.



Another down: That big trip I briefly mentioned in my resolutions/holiday entry? Yeah. Not happening.

Turns out that the people I was planning to go with can't go anymore, and that basically made it impossible for me to go, even on my own. (Even if I could travel alone without having a mental breakdown, considering I haven't even been out of my own state in 15 years.) So yeah, that was a bummer.
Basically it was a combination of not having enough financially and personal circumstances. My friend felt really guilty about it, but it was partly my fault too.

I was really upset at first. The first day afterwards, I just let myself wallow and have a mental health day.

The next two days after that, though? HOLY MOLY. (Ups, here we come!!)

Literally the day I took a mental health day off, in the middle of the day, the most unexpected thing happened. So unexpected that I jolted up in my seat when it happened.



Internet...I may have a date coming up.

BUT WAIT. LET'S BACK UP. Beep beep beep.

I haven't told you about this guy yet. This is a little roller coastery in itself, so hang on tight.

I matched with this guy on Tinder back at the end of November. Let's call him 'Amad'.

When we first matched, I kinda flipped out, and for a few reasons. One being that he is...very attractive. Dresses well, fantastic hair, super handsome face, and actually knows how to take good selfies. Very important things. But there's one other thing.

He's 19.

Internet, you guys should know. I never go for younger guys. Never never never. (Well, okay, except for Brennan, kinda. He was a year younger than me. And Ricky Bobby, too, I guess. He was a year and a half younger. But those are the only exceptions!!!1) The grand majority of guys that I tend to get into are older than me.

This guy...is not. Not even close.

Can you picture me sweating nervously? Because I am. Profusely.

He's not just younger than me. He's technically still a teenager. And the only reason I swiped right is because I thought there was no way he would ever swipe right on me, due to our age difference and the fact that he is fine as hell and I am NOT.

Also, his family owns a popular chain of restaurants in our city. And he's a filmmaker. Can you spell o-u-t o-f m-y l-e-a-g-u-e? Even though he's younger than me he could quite literally get anyone he wanted. And I tend to avoid guys like that. Usually. Except for this time, when I apparently lost my mind.

At first I wanted to unmatch him and flee as fast as I possibly could. And I actually fully intended to. And then...I forgot. And then I followed him on Instagram, and he followed me back.

Whoops. So much for fleeing.

And as it turns out, I regretted the Instagram follow at first. After he approved me follow request and thereby gave me free reign to snoop, I snooped, snooped hard...and regretted it.

Of course, at first I had enjoyed looking at all of his selfies and clever captions and such. And then it happened--I opened up a picture from about a year and a half ago, and in the caption? A racial slur.

Sickness in the pit of my stomach, I clicked through a few more, heading back further in time. Found another racial slur. And another one. By then, I was thoroughly disgusted. To be honest, I was crushed.

Sometimes Internet, you hope and hope that a person you 'meet' is decent and kind, and then their social media accounts just destroy everything you had hoped in a matter of seconds. Here I was, hoping I had found an awesome guy (albeit young, but if he had a great personality I would definitely overlook his age), and then getting so immensely insulted and disappointed.



Deciding that he wasn't even worth any of my attention anymore, I left his Instagram feed and didn't think about him for another two weeks.

Unfortunately for me that was not the end of things.

After we had passively liked a few of each others' pictures back and forth for a week or so, he finally messaged me on Tinder and gave me his number, telling me to text him sometime.

I promptly freaked out. I hadn't wanted to even think about him again, let alone even actually talk to him. And he wasn't supposed to want to talk to me! That was the (unspoken, completely made up in my head) agreement we had!
I agonized over it all day, then, with a huge amount of trepidation and doubt, decided to text him that evening (several hours after he had given me his number). Kept it simple and straight forward. 'Hey, this is Sarah from Tinder.' Neutral and safe.

I waited. And waited. Waited more. Waited for days.

And....

No answer.

INTERNET. I WAS ENRAGED.

After deciding to give this little creep a second chance and give him the benefit of the doubt after what I had seen him say from a few years ago, which I never do, HE BLEW ME OFF.

AHHHHHHHH.



So I decided that from then on, unless he interacted with me first, he didn't exist to me. So long, fetus boy.

This was maybe two weeks before Christmas, and it worked well for a while, I'll give myself some credit. He would like some of my pictures on Instagram. I wouldn't even offer a thank you like in return, the way I usually did. All he got from me was radio static.

Finally, when he had liked maybe six of my pictures straight without any in return from me, I liked one back, hoping that would pacify him and he would leave me alone. (I realize how ridiculous all this is. Passive aggressive millennial social interaction at its' finest. Bleh,)

Plus I could not figure out for the LIFE of me how he could like several of my pictures and yet not have the decency to reply to 1 simple text message. Are we reaching that point in society now? Is texting going extinct now, too? Or is it just this toolbag? (Toolbag is also what I changed his name to in my phone.)

I continued to passively and sparingly like a picture of his now and then, and meanwhile he liked all of my newest ones. I maintained an air of indifference, even though I couldn't freakin' figure out why he could do all this but not answer a text.

Then it came. The day I was taking a mental health day.

Lo and behold, the Boy Who Did Not Know How to Text slid into my Instagram DMs.

Not only that, but he sent a picture of himself, and a message underneath that said, "You're gorgeous! (heart eyes emoji)"

Yep.

Called me gorgeous. With a heart eyes emoji.

AFTER NOT ANSWERING MY TEXT BEFORE. Which I was positive meant that he had 0% interest in me.

The second this happened, I was sitting on the couch next to my mom. And when I opened it, I nearly shot out of my seat. I had to try very hard to act like nothing had happened and I wasn't inwardly panicking. I had spent all day being sad, and now this was happening.

I took 45 minutes to excuse myself, pull myself together, and finally scrounge up a response.

I answered, "Wow haha, thank you. You're pretty gorgeous yourself (winking emoji)" Looking back, I feel that the winking emoji was too much, but oh well. Can't take it back now, can I? Besides, I have no clue how to flirt, so I at least get points for trying, right?

At one point, I was terrified that he was going to ignore me again and I had stuck my neck out for the third time only to be burned.

But thankfully, some time later, maybe half an hour later, he responded with something I had been expecting even less than the first message. "Let me buy you lunch sometime."

FREAK OUT #2.



Internet...I was having every emotion one person could probably feel at once without spontaneously combusting.

First, I was in disbelief. The fetus was asking me out? How? What? Huh? Why? WHAT?

Second, I was confused. I still hadn't forgotten what I had seen on his Instagram, and it still made me angry. But I tried hard to remember who I was at age 19. I was a very different person than I am now. I've learned a lot about people and the world since then. So why couldn't he, too? If it ever came up again after getting to know him, maybe I could sit him down and explain to him why it was wrong.

Also, I was confused about him being interested in me. Truth be told, this happens everytime someone shows any interest in me, even if I'm not interested in them.

I think it's the part of me inside that might always live in middle school/high school, when no guys outright expressed interest in me at all (except for Phil, but whole other can of worms, ugh) and it made me feel sad and even more insecure than I already was (which was a ton to begin with).

Sometimes I even talk myself out of it. I'll think, no, they're probably not interested in me like that. They probably only want to get in my pants. (That's my most often used excuse.)

But...there it was. If I gave him a real chance, his name wouldn't be Fetus Boy. It wouldn't be Toolbag. His name is Amad. And Amad was asking me out.

I still had the smallest amounts of doubts. But then I remembered how I felt at exactly this time a whole year ago. (See entry how do emotions work, anyway? (scary epiphanies are scary.) and prepare for some intense emotions.) I was miserable with my own regrets of the past. And I had decided that from this year on, I didn't want to have regrets anymore. That I wanted to give things a chance and maybe regret them afterwards but not regret not doing them and never knowing.

So I replied to Amad and said, "Sure, that sounds good. Let me know."



I agreed to a date with a 19 y/o. What did I do, Internet? WHAT DID I DO.

It's been a week since that happened, and considering the casual, non-committal nature of our plans, who knows when they'll actually be solidified and turned into a real first date, IF that even happens. But I said yes, so that's something I'll just have to deal with, I suppose. Wish me luck.

Along with that huge or not huge thing that may-or-may-not be happening, I have one more Up for you: I (possibly) have my first clients as a real honest to goodness dog sitter.

I met them a few days ago, a nice couple with a cute little furry baby. She's excitable, and energetic, but she's cute and friendly. I really REALLY hope this works out, because she would be an absolute joy to watch. And she and my dog get along well, which was a huge relief. (Also, since this was my first meeting with a potential client, my anxiety all day was through the roof. But it went well, so I'm very happy with it either way.)

It's still up in the air so far, but let's hope this all works out for the best!

I'll keep you updated on both fronts Internet. 2016 is off at full speed ahead already.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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the christmas crazies. (and important changes coming at me warp speed)}
Sunday, December 27, 2015 | 7:10 PM | 0Comment

Hey, Internet! Belated Happy Holidays!

I hope all of you guys had magical (or if not magical, at least decent?) holidays this month. You deserve it after the helluva year you've had.

As for me, Christmas this year was peaceful.

Financially, things have still been tight, as the
y have been all year this year. So instead of exchanging presents this year, my folks and I decided to have good food and good company for Christmas instead.

Delicious food, annual homemade cookies (which we decorated), good movies, and for me, a brand new tradition: I found an amazing mulled wine recipe and made it in the crock pot. Holy freakin' crap. Amazing. SO GOOD. I had to restrain myself from drinking all of it on my own, lest I subject myself to a merry Christmas hangover.

But before the holiday actually came, I found myself...in a slight dilemma.

Nothing too major, nothing even that big of a deal. But for me, it was pretty embarrassing.

You see, there's this phenomena that happens at this time of year that I like to call the Christmas Crazies.

I only more recently came up with this name for it, but I've written about it before. See this entry "Dodged that bullet."

Christmas couples, Christmas crazies, whatever you want to call it...it's a phenom. A phenom that I hate. And yet it affects me all the same.

Around this time of year, I get this inexplicable yearning. 

I don't know if it's the mushy corny cheesy Hallmark holiday movies I watch every year on an infinite loop (probably a huge contributing factor, not going to lie), or if it's my favorite classic Christmas songs which happen to be romantic in nature (All I Want for Christmas is You, Last Christmas, Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)), or if it's the cold weather making me want to snuggle up in my pajamas with someone.

But man. Without fail. I get more sentimental, definitely. But I also yearn. For who? Anybody? I don't know. But the older I get, it's gotten worse.

Last year, unfortunately, I got the Yearnings for R*cky B*bby. (Censored because I promised I'd stop blogging about him. Hah.) But all of my nostalgia craze was just starting this time last year, so that was why. Also last year, I had my first and last date with Brennan after months of resisting meeting him in person at all. It's safe to say the Christmas Yearnings had gotten to me, and that was why I had decided to say yes to a snowy Christmas Eve Eve coffee date.

This year, I got them for...I don't know. Everybody?

I'm telling you Internet. The Christmas Crazies this year were on steroids. One minute I was feeling relaxed and unworried about any and all boys, the next minute I was talking to 4--LITERALLY 4--different guys from Tinder at once. 3 days before Christmas.

And before you guys get all Judgey McJudger at me, this is unheard of for me. When I do start talking to a guy, I just talk to that guy and that guy only. This is to keep me from feeling overwhelmed.

However, this time I just...I don't know, guys. I think I had a nervous breakdown, or something. Or maybe the romance in the air had me a little overwhelmed and I got a bit right-swipe happy.

Either way, I got four new matches 3 days before Christmas, and all 4 of them started talking to me at once.

Deciding that I was in the mood to talk to some people, I answered them all. And my dilemma began.

Thankfully, conversations with two of them tapered off after two hours or so. But the other two persisted into the next day.

1 of them asked me out right off the bat from the first day we talked, which was a red flag for me. I told him that I was busy, but I would think about it and talk to him later. So the next day, we began talking some more, and conversation was nice, so I was seriously considering maybe hanging out with him sometime.

As we talked that day, he followed me on Instagram (my IG is connected to my Tinder profile). Seeing that he did, I went to follow him back, His account was private, but that didn't seem out of the ordinary to me. I sent a follow request and went about my day, still talking to him casually.

He accepted my request about 30 mins later, so I went to look at his Instagram. I noticed a lot of travel pictures, which was cool. But then I noticed something peculiar--the pictures I saw of him throughout his feed looked NOTHING like the pictures he had on Tinder.

I even scrolled down to the bottom of his Instagram feed--the oldest pictures were from three years ago, and yet the pictures of him from then still weren't anything like his Tinder pictures.

At first I was positive this guy was a Catfish, so I got all prepared to tell him off. Then when I went back to his Tinder profile once more, I realized--the pictures on his Tinder were of him, but they were years old. Like, way older than three years old. Possibly 5 years or more. College pictures, and he very clearly was long out of college (27 years old).

And our conversation was getting increasingly creepy. He kept making sexual remarks, kept asking sexual questions, and began persisting over and over again that we should date.

Obviously, I was way creeped out at this point. So I decided to let him down easy, block him on both apps, and get the heck out of that situation.

Predictably, he took it badly, even though I had calmly made an excuse about not having the time to date anybody at the moment. I was fortunate enough not to have him call me names or harass me further than the typical 'Well, why not? Why are you even on here, then?' And then thankfully he did me the favor of blocking me on both apps instead of me having to do it.

So, yeah. Yikes.

If anything, all that experience did was remind me why I hate Tinder in the first place. I haven't been back on since.

As for the other guy, he was nice enough, at least compared to that other guy. Cute too, but way out of my league. (He plays college basketball, and he's been on ESPN. Why did he even want to talk to me in the first place? No idea.) We exchanged Snapchat usernames, snapped back and forth for 2 days (just face snaps, nothing crazy), and then stopped talking but have been passively watching each other's snap stories ever since. Ah, romance.

(He's never gonna talk to me again.)

So, in conclusion: the Christmas Crazies got to me again this year. But at least I didn't go any terrible dates, especially not with that one wacko. Two conversations were enough for me.

IN OTHER NEWS: 2016. Coming up fast as hell.

And for me, big changes are coming with the New Year.

The biggest and most important change: a job. I GOT ONE. TECHNICALLY.

After all that job applying for years, and yielding no results, I decided to do this differently. Take a different approach. Because obviously what I was doing was not working at all for me, and you know. Definition of insanity and all that.

So, I decided to do some research on modern ways to make money. And I stumbled upon this article about just that. Some things it listed were becoming an Uber driver, becoming a nanny or babysitter, and then--once I spotted it, it felt like I struck gold--becoming a pet sitter.

DING DING DING.

An important thing about me, internet: I love animals. I love animals so, so much. I connect with animals. Especially pets. Especially dogs. And so when I found a website specifically dedicated to finding dog sitters, I immediately went to their application page to become a sitter. And after a little work filling it out, getting a testimonial from a family member written for my profile, and getting a background check done, I was cleared. My application was approved.

Y'all. I have a job.

LET ME REPEAT. I HAVE A JOB.

Sure, it's a self employment job. But it's run through this website, and involves self promotion. I can do that. Hell, I'm a Millenial. I was born for the age of social media.

It'll take a lot of hard work, and a lot of cute messy pups to watch, but I can do it. I've pet sat before, and it was easy and fun. (Plus, an option like this makes way more sense for me than babysitting. Kids are too much for me to handle on my own at the moment. I prefer furbabies.)

So...come January, I'll be starting as soon as I possibly can. I'll start promoting this week, and hopefully come the first week of January, I'll have my first customer.

I'm anxious to start, because I have a very important trip to save up for in February. Said trip would probably be life changing, and be a turning point for my life. (But more on that later!)

And after that event, I would continue to work so I could save up money to go back to college, and some other very VERY important things as well that would make my 2016 a turning point in my life.

These are more than just my same old resolutions for New Years. I'm going to make absolute sure that 2016 will be a very different year for me. But in a good way. In a great way. It's in my hands. It's my life. I have to make it happen. Nobody is stopping me but me.

Change that I've needed for a long time is coming.



Internet, let's hope this self-push coming at me fast in 2016 is just what I needed to do for myself. (And let's hope that those Christmas Crazies stay away from me next year.)

Once again, Happy Holidays to all of you, and Happy New Year! See you all next year! (Ugh, I know, I'm sorry. Why did I make that joke? Why?! I'll show myself out.)

xo Hopeless Romantic

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changes and tinder shenanigans.}
Thursday, October 15, 2015 | 10:48 PM | 0Comment

Internet!! Happy belated October!

It's been a little while since I've updated. How have things been for you guys?

As for me, things have been pretty good.
BULLETPOINT TIME.


  • I succeeded in getting my futon, and my little main/living room is now a great success. My futon is comfortable, cozy, and makes the whole room look better. My basement is not just my basement now--it's my own little apartment! The one thing I still have to get is my cute little microwave, but it's only $59, so I'll get it in no time. Which is good, because I'll need it in time for hot cocoa season, which has not yet started here. (It's weirdly warm right now. And in October, of all times. What the hell?!) 
  • I've been doing fun autumn activities with the fam, including a hot air balloon festival and a harvest festival, which included a petting zoo and a pumpkin patch. Now I've got a 20 pound real pumpkin to go with my 4 fake pumpkin decorations, hahaha. I haven't done those things in years, and I'm so happy I've gotten to do them again.
  • Speaking of decorations...soooo many decorations. One thing that I think may be an indicator of me growing up is this huge sudden interest in decorating. Holy hell, I LOVE DECORATING. Especially seasonal decorating. I've been buying fall and Halloween decorations left and right, which I never used to care about before. And lately, I've been saving up already for Christmas decorations, which I'm going to start buying this weekend while they're on sale. Yes, I'm buying Christmas decorations in October. Yes, I am 1000% aware that I'm crazy. But at THOSE prices? Hell yeah, I'm buying them. Come the 2nd week of November, my little apartment will be a pastel winter wonderland. *snap snap*
  • I've been applying to jobs, which has been of course, unsuccessful as usual. But at least it helps me feel like I'm not doing nothing.
  • After 2 stints of having my baby cousins over at our house overnight (babysitting reasons) I am once again reminded about how glad I am that we don't live with them anymore. Soooooooooooo glad. (During the first stint, the stress in the house was so great that for a day afterwards I had stress-induced heart palpitations. Yeah. Yikes.)
So other than being up to all those things, I finally went to have coffee with Jazz two weeks ago. (After many unsuccessful tries.)

As you could imagine, after all that weirdness between us for weeks, I was a little worried about the meeting. 

I wasn't sure what to expect, if she would be annoyed with me the whole time, or vice versa. But ahead of time, I'd decided that I was going to confront her in some way. Not in an aggressive, accusatory way of course, because that's not my style anyway.

After she picked me up and we drove to a nearby Starbucks, and we had talked for a while comfortably like everything was normal, I finally, tentatively brought it up.

Opting to first ask the question I had been wondering for a while, and after telling her to be totally honest with me, I asked her, "Do you genuinely like hanging out with me? Be honest. I really want to know."

After considering it for a moment, she said easily, "Yeah, of course I do. Why?"

I was a little relieved, but I continued, "I just wonder if you do sometimes. Sometimes I'm not sure. Like...I don't want you to feel like you have to, you know?"

She nodded understandingly. "Yeah, I get what you mean. But don't worry, if I didn't like hanging out with you I would just say so. You know me." And then she smiled. There was the Jazz I knew.

Hearing her say that was a huge relief to me. Jazz and I have (especially in recent years) been brutally honest with each other, and both of us have tried to be as open as we can with each other. This was something I tried my best to do with this coffee chat, and she did the same for me. It was a huge load off my shoulders, for sure.

Honestly, the whole parties-for-couples-only-and-no-singles thing still bothers me, but I've decided to let it go for now. Besides, if I ever brought it up to Jazz, she'd probably feel bad and invite me--which I would inevitably hate, because you guys KNOW how much I hate parties, hahaha. 

So really, it doesn't make that much sense for me to be upset over it. And it helps a bit that Jazz mentioned inviting me to dinner sometime at the new house, so at least now I know she's not actively trying to block me from her life, or something.

Backing up a bit, way before I confronted her about the weirdness, I had asked her about her new life.

Turns out, married life is different from what Jazz was expecting.

I had expected her to feel that way, to be honest, considering everything my mom told me about her first year of marriage to my dad. (After their first year of marriage, my parents were separated for a few months--like totally living in different places away from each other. After those months, though, they decided to move back in with each other and work it out--and they've been together ever since, 35 years this year.) And from what I can tell, Jazz had expected some difficulty, but I don't think she had expected this much.

She confided in me that getting used to her new life was proving more difficult than expected. She said she thought it would just be like living with someone she really liked, but it's turned into much more than that. 
Stuff like constantly cooking and making meals for 2, making lunches for her husband for when he goes to work (he can't cook even a little, apparently), doing constant cleaning and laundry straightening up has become a part of her everyday. In addition, the "we" part of her life is new--having to plan everything they do with him as a unit, not being able to do everything separately anymore.

She also said that her husband needs a lot of reassurance--he's always been that way, she said, but it's been even more than usual lately. And she said that his personality is much more dependent than she had realized. (Picture the look of barely restrained horror in my eyes as she said that. Clingy = my worst nightmare.)

Also, one of her other friends, who is older (40ish?) and who she met through her husband's old boss, is apparently really dependent and needs constant attention as well, so that's something else Jazz has been dealing with lately. With all of this going on, no wonder she hadn't had time to hang out with me.

About the big change of lifestyle, I told her that she'll probably get used to all the changes with time. "It'll feel like second nature soon. Just give it some time to settle," I said to her. 

She'd nodded in agreement, a slightly worn look on her face.

Among the topics of conversation, our ex-classmates came up as well.

Guess how many more people from our old school are now engaged or married?

5. 

Yep. Seriously, is there something in the water here or something? What the hell is going on?????????

Two of them are a pair that have been together since the 9th grade, and I gotta say, I'm happy for them. They're cute as heck. They're like Troy and Gabriela come to life. (A sweet, smart girl, and the tall popular basketball player. You can't make this stuff up.) Engaged. And totally made for each other. The high school match of everyone's dreams.

Another two who got engaged have been together since high school too--and the guy? I had a huge crush on him in the 3rd and 6th grade.

In the 3rd grade, I teased him because I had no clue how to express my feelings properly. I'd pinch him hard on the arm and then run away cackling because I got to touch him, and I'd stick my foot out to trip him and then apologize later because I'd feel bad. 

In the 6th grade, he was the first boy to ever reject me, and consequently the first boy to ever make me cry in the girl's bathroom. I swore I was in love with him, and even though he was half a foot shorter than me, I didn't care. (It wasn't love after all. But he has blue eyes you could fall into and never come out of--I still stand by this. I do not, however, stand by the embarrassing short stories I'd written about how we would get together in our 20's and fall in love. Soooo embarrassing.)
Crazy for me to think that he'll be getting married. (The girl I don't know well, she was two grades below us. She was the younger sister of someone in our grade, and I may have accidentally freaked her out once? Oops?) I'm happy for him, of course. I hope everything works out for them.

The last of the 5? Johnny.

He got married.

Johnny...is married. What. 

Yeah. And I'd had no idea until Jazz had told me. He literally got married 3 weeks ago.

One thing I haven't talked about on here yet is what I've recently (this year) found out about Johnny. I've long since realized that Johnny has issues. Drug issues, personality issues, etcetera. 

But one thing I hadn't known about Johnny this entire time was the fact that he's abusive.

A few months ago, Jazz had told me, for the first time, that during their friendship and very, very brief relationship (look here, here and here) Johnny was physically abusive towards her. He beat her up. And this whole time, she'd never said anything for fear of what people would say to her.

When she said this to me, I was shocked, to say the very least. To my very core. 

Even though I'm nowhere near friends with Johnny anymore, I had never really imagined that he would be capable of such a thing. But that's what family and friends sometimes say who are close to abusers (or worse, rapists), right? They never think it could be true, that they could be capable of something so disgusting. And to even for one second suspect that Jazz could've been lying would be unspeakably awful.

Honestly, having the realization that the only close guy friend that I've ever had in my whole life is physically violent was devastating. I couldn't believe I had misjudged him so severely. Towards me, Johnny'd had his mean moments. Moments when I had genuinely thought that he was a terrible person. On the flip side, though, sometimes I have flashbacks of the good times. Talking on the phone with him, texting for hours, helping him shop for new clothes at the mall, trying a cinematic, running jump hug with him in the hallway at school, him warming up my hands at football games when I was cold.

But just because someone can be sweet and fun sometimes, it doesn't mean that they can't be capable of cruelty and violence.

Johnny is a filthy, lowlife abuser. And now he's married.

I don't know who that girl is that he married, but...God. I feel sorry for her. I hope she's okay. And I hope that she'll be okay. I really, honestly do.
I can't imagine how it must feel for Jazz to hear about her abusive ex getting married, especially just months after her own wedding. Must be weird as hell. And surreal.

The three of us were best friends in the 9th grade. I still have a picture of the three of us at freshman homecoming. My, how quickly time changes things.

Despite some of the topics we'd talked about, the coffee date between Jazz and I ended on good note, driving with the windows down in her mini cooper back to my house.

Seeing my ex-classmates morphing into their adult selves continues to be a weird, wildly confusing time for me.



Aside from being busy and watching these changes unfolding from afar, I've been--once again--getting sucked in by Tinder.

It's worth noting that I still haven't deleted my OkCupid account yet. The thought of logging in again and addressing the 17 messages I haven't replied to fills me with such despair that I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Ugh. 

So, in the meantime, I've redownloaded Tinder for the 4th time. (Oy.)

Honestly though, if I had to compare the two: I like Tinder better. Why? Because in getting to choose who I swipe right on (which is very, very selectively) I am also, in turn, choosing who gets to message me. 
Essentially, on Tinder I'm only getting messaged by the guys that I would want to talk to. So I don't have to deal with a mass of "Hey. What up?" messages that fill me with misery.

I haven't met anyone in person yet, and I'm not sure I would want to anyway. I'm not really interested in going on dates at the moment, so that's why. 
But I absolutely don't object to having a nice conversation with some cute guys, texting them and whatnot. It's kinda fun, and at least that way I get some practice talking to guys so I don't get too awkward with them again. (Okay, I'm still awkward with them. But at least I'm less awkward with them than I used to be!)

If I start talking to someone and I think meeting in person would be fun? Sure, I'd do it. 
But I'd have to talk to them a lot beforehand and get somewhat comfortable with talking to them, like I did with Kenneth and Brennan. Both of them were totally cool with that, and it helped me be less apprehensive when the time came to meet them. So that's pretty important to me.

Also, I haven't met anyone this time that I've had that much interest in. (Also hey, isn't that new 'Super Like' feature kinda weird? The only people who 'super like' me are in their thirties. What's up with that?) 

Most of my matches haven't tried talking to me, and I'm not sure if that means they want me to message first, but I don't really care either way, so.

As the weather gets colder, I'll be having more decorating to do, more kdramas to binge watch and more jobs to apply for. Also, I might be either Louise from Bob's Burgers or Left Eye for Halloween. 

Let's hope Tinder doesn't get me swept up in a whirlwind of stress this time, shall we?




xo Hopeless Romantic

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regrets (and other various messes).}
Saturday, August 29, 2015 | 9:10 PM | 2Comment

Hey Internet!

Yes, I am alive. After my big writing challenge month, I needed some time to unwind and let the soreness leave my hands. (Seriously, I wrote 50,000 words in a month. My hands were SCREAMING.)

So! To keep things a little simpler, let me utilize some bullet points to let you know what's been going on lately.

I:

  • Finished the writing challenge successfully, with 50,000 words accomplished
  • Felt super jazzed and excited, then a little dumbfounded for a couple days after I finished--kinda like, "Welp. I finished this big giant thing, What now?"
  • Began editing the first draft I wrote
  • Thought about Jazz's wedding a little more, realized her and her hubs have been having weekend grillouts in their backyard that I knew nothing about and wasn't invited to. Oh.
  • Began saving up money for my first official piece of furniture in my main/living room, which will enable me to finally use that room more than I have for the year and a half I've been in this house. (A futon. Next will be a microwave. Movie/k-drama nights will be upgraded by 1000. Can you say a comfy seat curled up with blanket, some popcorn, hot cocoa, or bowl ramen? And in my own living room! Woo!)
  • Also started thinking more about the Brennan thing, then started...feeling...bad? Yep. And a little sad.
  • Got some bad news about school and had to deal with the emotional aftermath.
So, as you can see, there have been an interesting mix of happenings lately. Where should I start? Well, since this isn't a writing blog, I'll spare you the details of that and skip right to Jazz.

Jazz. And her cookouts. Which I heard nary a word about until seeing them splayed all over Facebook and Instagram.

I mean...okay. It wasn't like I was expecting to be included in her life that much now. After all, she's married, and married people things that are specific to married people.

But I kinda thought...you know, we would still do friend stuff. Talk over coffee once in a while. Get invites to come over to her new house here and there.

So. Seeing that she's been inviting people (no, not just people, MARRIED COUPLES, and no single people) over for big game nights and grill outs and I wasn't even an afterthought? Yeah, that hurts. It feels like I'm suddenly not good enough to be friends with her because I'm not married too, which was exactly what I was afraid of before.

It's disappointing, honestly. Instead of proving me wrong, she ended up proving me right. Even my heartfelt letter to her for her birthday did nothing.

So I guess I'm back to friendless adventures, for now. (Except for occasional video chats with my online friends, of course.) I'm used to it, so I guess it's not a big deal. I just thought she'd be different than what I'd feared. 

But I guess we'll see if anything changes. After all, she's only been married a month, Meanwhile, I'll try not to let it depress me too much.

So, speaking of depressing, I'll make this clean cut and fast: No school for me this fall.

Basically, money problems have caught up with my family once again. And we've been unable to pay last semester's tuition. So the school has me on hold until we can pay, which may not even be until next year. So no school until then.

I'm dealing with it and I've dealt with it. By now, having money-related school problems has happened to me so many times that to be honest, I'm getting used to it. 
I'm still sad about it, but I'm dealing with it. I'm going to find other things that will occupy my time this fall. No more sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. I'm just going to live my life a different way until I can go back to school. 

And it's nothing to be ashamed of, especially for someone in my position. I have no right to mope about not going to school because of money when there are a lot of people out there that have much more severe issues from not having enough money. So I'm just going to suck it up and do something else worth my time.

So. Now that that's out of the way. ONTO BRENNAN. 

After I posted here about him having a girlfriend, I tried to let it go for a little bit.

...That didn't work. Lmao. But I TRIED. Really hard. And failed. 

And meanwhile, he's still been keeping regular tabs on my Snapchat story posts and Instagram posts, even still liking them. (Not liking them as much as he did this time last year, mind you--last year he would like every single Instagram picture I posted up. I'm kind of irritated that I didn't write more about him here last year.)

It's strange, because as I said in my last entry, before, he had been avoiding me for months. Legit. After the cat Snapchats stopped (eventually), he stopped looking at my Snap stories, stopped liking all of my Instagram pics, everything. To be fair, he probably thought that I hated him, so that's probably why he did it. After the huge silence, the first 'like' on an Instagram pic that I'd gotten from him was in June, which was the first in at least 3 months. The interaction on Snapchat and Instagram continued from there. 

(Another side note--about a few weeks ago, I replied to another Snap he had sent me after that first one I'd mentioned in the last entry. He didn't reply back, and he hasn't sent me anything since then, so I have the faintest feeling that I shocked him by actually replying to something for the first time since January. Hah.)

But from my snooping of the gf's FB a while ago, I'd noticed that they had started dating about late May or so. Which...means that he didn't start to interact with me again until he started dating this girl. 

Which is weird. Right? I mean, what's that supposed to mean? And I'm not some expert or something, but is that the way guys with girlfriends usually act?

Aside from that weirdness, though, I've been doing some thinking.

Lately, I've kind of realized that I had kind of taken Brennan for granted. 

I wasn't very clear about this before: this time last year, we were talking everyday. Which is a big feat for me in general, especially with a boy. Before Brennan, the last guy I talked to that much was Drew. (Ugh.) 

Back then, I hated to admit it, but I'd looked forward to seeing my phone light up with a text from him. It felt nice when he called me 'cutie'. It felt nice to have a guy that cared about me enough to see how I was doing everyday.

He also genuinely liked talking to me. And after our first (and last) date two days before Christmas last year, he genuinely wanted to hang out with me. Even though on said date, I showed up late and was weird and kept ranting about books and writing and Korean pop music. Even though before, I never opened up to him and kept personal details to myself, even after he would tell me I could tell him anything.

I just...God. He was nothing but sweet to me, Internet. Why was I such a bitch to him?

I'll tell you why, Internet. It's because I self sabotage, still, after all these years.

At least I stopped doing this with my friends, and my self image and health. But in the realm of guys and dating, I still have a long way to go.

Deep inside, when it feels like a guy might be getting too close to me, might be starting to actually like me, I get all...squirmy. I get uncomfortable. I feel cornered. 

My theory about why I subconsciously feel like that is this: because I have never had a functional mutual like with someone before(i.e. Phil is out, he doesn't count), and I've never had a relationship, I don't know what it's supposed to feel like when it actually happens. So when it seems like it might be happening, I panic, because it's new, jungle-like territory for me. I hate not knowing about things. I hate not having control of myself. Feelings involve both of those fears for me. So I avoid them at all costs, and I look for all possible ways out when I feel like they're coming. 


My usual way out is just talking to them less, and letting things fade out naturally. The problem, Internet, was that Brennan made that hard. For a while--and yeah, 2 months straight of cat Snaps is a while--he didn't give up on me. And I guess that scared me. So the ignoring intensified. 

I couldn't imagine why someone would try so hard to keep me involved with them--after all, for a little bit, I was positive he was involved with at least 4 different girls on Instagram and wasn't even into me that way, come to find out later that those girls were in long term relationships with other people or had kids.

In addition to all that, I was scared. I didn't think someone like me (driver's license-less, car-less, subpar social life, homebody, anxiety disordered, bedroom with boyband posters all over the walls) could deserve to date someone. I thought that he would find out all these things about me and walk right out and never want to talk to me again. 
So I kept all of that hidden, terrified that he would reject me. I didn't lie about them, I just never even brought them up. Because, honestly? My negatives made his negatives look like harmless little kittens. And I rejected him before he could reject me.

So. Once again, I had let my own intense insecurity and fear get in the way of someone that could have been good for me. (I read somewhere that people with anxiety often push others away. And if that's true, then that explains so much.)

I knew it was messed up. But I'm kinda messed up. 

And honestly, deep down, I still truly feel like I did him a favor, and that I wouldn't have been good for him anyway. That I would have been a weight on him that kept him from being really happy. 

Also Internet...I've been feeling a little sad now that I never gave him a chance, because you know what? Maybe he could have accepted me for who I was, with all of my issues. 

But I never even gave him a chance to. And it's too late now. (Again.) I can't undo the way I treated him, and I can't undo the fact that he's with someone now.

So that's just it.

It would do me some good to stop thinking about it, since I can't do anything about it.

Of course, thinking that I should stop thinking about it only makes me think of it more. Such is life, I suppose.

I've been trying to move on via reactivating my OkCupid account and talking to someone new, but that hasn't worked out well at all. Because how did I forget how terrible OkCupid is??

Between men sending me messages and asking for hookups, party invitations from strangers, and endless conversations of this model: ""Hey" "Hey, what's up?" "Nm, you?" "Not much either. Just chilling." "Cool. What are u wearing?"", it has not been successful at all. 

And even more, I'm realizing with each of those messages I receive that there are not very many Brennans in this world.

Who knows, Internet. Maybe I'll find another Brennan. One that's just as sweet and genuine as he is. And maybe I won't mess up next time. (I won't hold my breath.)

xo Hopeless Romantic

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on the dangers of nostalgia.}
Tuesday, July 21, 2015 | 11:23 PM | 0Comment

So, Internet. Ricky Bobby.

It's been a little while since I posted my painfully honest, really humbling and terrifying letter.

Writing that letter, along with the totally raw post I made in January (where I basically finally admitted to myself and to you guys where my mental state was in high school when he moved back), honestly...it felt like ripping back open old wounds. It was that painful for me.

And yet, they were completely necessary. I don't know why it took me nearly 5 years to be able to do it, but I'm glad that I eventually arrived there. Late honesty is at least better than holding onto the lie.

In the months since writing it, I have very slowly began to feel better about all of these regrets. And even though in the end, I decided not to send the letter to him, just getting it there--out in existence, out of my brain--relieved some of the worries and upset about it.

So. These past few months, I've been going about my business. Taking things day by day, focusing on my health, writing my ass off (if you follow me on Twitter, you'll know what I mean).

This month, I've been preoccupied with writing a lot and also pre-friends'-wedding-jitters (why was I so nervous? It wasn't even my wedding! Sheesh!) So I had barely enough time to think about anything else.

But.

The day before Jazz's birthday, it was Ricky Bobby's birthday.

I got the notification for it, right there on Facebook. And to be honest, I already knew about it. I mean...of course I would remember his birthday.

After talking about it with one of my friends (the same friend that advised against me sending the letter), we decided an innocent birthday wall post couldn't hurt. Everyone does that, right? Even if you're not close to that person anymore, it's still nice to wish them happy birthday. I do that for some people I haven't even talked to in years. Some people I went to school with did that for me too, and I didn't find it strange or awkward, I actually thought it was nice.

So. After a small period of panic, typing, backspacing, typing, backspacing again, looking at his FB page and sweating profusely, and typing again, I finally decided to post on his wall.

It was small, unassuming, unimposing, polite. "happy birthday, ricky bobby! i hope you've been doing well."

That's all.

No, "happy birtHDAYI'M SORRY I WAS SUCH A BITCH TO YOU".

No, "happy birthday!!!! god I really miss you sometimes!!!! I've been thinking about you for months!!!!!!!! Sometimes I think about you for so long that I send myself into an absolutely miserable downward spiral!!!!!!!!!! Why the hell didn't I date you?!?! HOPE UR GOOD".

No, "happy bir--did you ever actually like me, at any point?? Or were you even interested in me that way??? Did I ruin my chances with you??? Did I make you hate me forever???? Do you not even give a single shit about me anymore???????"

Nope.

Even though I strongly want to say all of those things to him, it's hit me now that I may never will. And you know what? Maybe I'll just have to live with that. Maybe I wouldn't want to know the response to those things, anyway.

So, I'm sure you want to know how he responded.

He didn't.

Looking at Ricky Bobby's history with social media websites and how he uses them, this wasn't a surprise to me. No reply, not even a like.

It stung a little bit, but you know what? Maybe in a way, that was an answer to all of the questions that plagued my mind the past half a year.

Not responding to my mild attempt at social courtesy, to which other people would probably at least respond with a like(which says yes, I see your reaching out to me, and I appreciate it)...somehow, no response said more than a polite response would have ever said.

If he had even liked that I reached out to him, he would have responded in some way, right? So maybe he didn't like that wall post of mine. Maybe he didn't like that I was speaking to him for the first time in 4 years after blocking him, unblocking him and adding him as a friend again and acting like nothing ever happened. Completely understandable and justified that he would feel that way. It's not that I was even expecting a particularly warm response, either, after the way that I acted.

It's clear that my reaching out was unwelcome. And somehow, finding out this way is easier to take.

Imagine if I actually had sent that letter to him. Imagine the response that would have gotten.
To be truthful, if it had received no response at all, like this had, it would have been like a stab in an old scar for me. It would've felt like one gigantic, final, end-all-be-all rejection of my heart and everything that I felt for him, balled up and thrown in the trash like my letter probably would have been.

So, that's it now. It's time to stop. No more.

I had my regrets, worries, and fears, and for the most part, they've all been answered now. It's time I move on for real now. For good.

He'll become a part of my past that I stop revisiting, a Facebook friend I never talk to anymore, just keep them in my friend's list for the sake of knowing how they're doing. That's enough for me now, just knowing he's doing okay.

I need to stop revisiting him, need to stop trying to bring him back into my life when it's clear that he's not meant to be there anymore. And that's perfectly all right. That's what happens when you grow up.

Maybe Ricky Bobby was my first (unrequited) love. I created this entire blog that testifies to that very possibility.

People don't always get together with or stay together with their first loves, I'd say they rarely ever do. But people do get over their first loves. Maybe it takes them years and years and years, but they do eventually. Maybe they'll always have a teeny tiny piece of their heart. Maybe Ricky Bobby will always be unknowingly carrying around a tiny piece of my heart with him. That's okay.

And that doesn't mean I need to be with him. I never will be with him. And that's okay, too. I realize that now.

These last endless months of dangerous nostalgic feelings may have partly been so severe because, with the wedding of one of my closest friends, now more than ever I have had to face the fact that my life is different now.
I am not the same girl I was in high school, though I may feel that way sometimes. I've changed in so many ways, and the people I used to know have too. Their personalities, their wants, their needs, their entire lives. And so has mine.

The Ricky Bobby I used to know, the Ricky Bobby of my lovely, cherished memories, is gone now. Living his new life. Wanting different things than 8th grade and 11th grade Ricky Bobby wanted. And the 11th grade Sarah of his memories, if he ever stops to revisit them, is gone too.

It's time to live my new life, too. Without getting dragged back by nostalgia and all my memories. I can still cherish the memories, but I need to leave them in the past for good now. Where they belong.



One more thing I want to write down, before I stop blogging about Ricky Bobby for a very long time, possibly (and hopefully) forever, is this:

During these months of self inflicted, nostalgia fueled torment, I decided to revisit Ricky Bobby's old band in high school, the one he was lead singer of before he moved back to my state and they replaced him with another singer.

Well. Wouldn't you know it, Internet. They were signed to a major indie label, and they're becoming popular. Popular as in, SXSW performances two years in a row, touring worldwide, performance at a big music festival in New York this year with huge mainstream artists, interviews with Rolling Stone, along with raving Rolling Stone reviews, interviews in Interview mag, Nylon mag, performances on late night talk shows on TV--that popular.

Yeah. I KNOW. Crazy, right??

They're certainly quite the sensation (I can't name them, for the sake of protecting identities and all that), and the lead singer they replaced Ricky Bobby with is certainly talented, especially for his age. (Though he sounds just like a few other bluegrass/soul influenced rock vocalists of the same genre...just my opinion, though.) But when I was catching up on this band, upon visiting their Wikipedia page...I noticed something. You know that 'past members' section that a lot of bands have on their Wiki page, if they have any past members of the group? They had only one past member listed there, one of the original members that formed the group in high school. And no Ricky Bobby.

I also noticed that in their interviews, when they talked about the formation of the band, they never mentioned him, either. Never even mention that the band had an old singer.

I specifically remember them crediting Ricky Bobby as an old member on their (now gone) Myspace Music page and their Facebook page a while ago. Now they don't. They don't even have record of their old songs with his voice in them, no online proof that they ever even existed (though that may have something to do with copyrights and record label stuff).

Now. Honestly, Internet. If I was a part of a band at some point, even a really successful band, as they're becoming...I would want that credit. Even if it were just a couple words. An acknowledgement that I was a part of that band and I had a hand in creating it. And it seemed wrong to me that they weren't doing that for him anymore, especially when he deserved it.

So. Call me crazy, go on ahead. But I decided to do something about it.

Their official Facebook and website I couldn't do anything about, but their Wikipedia page, I could. So I did. On the spot, I made a Wikipedia account, with some random username that I would never use ever again, and I edited that Wiki page.

I added Ricky Bobby's name to that Wiki page under 'Past Members'. Where he deserved to be. And if anyone every takes it off, I'll put it back on again.

For me, it was...I don't know. The last nice thing I could do for Ricky Bobby, even though he'll never know that it was me. Something nice that I could do after the way that I treated him. A permanent mark on the Internet, symbolizing the permanent mark he left in my life.

Or even an official goodbye, the one we never got to have.

This is it, Internet. This is my goodbye to Ricky Bobby. For real this time.



Speaking of goodbyes and movings on, and non Ricky Bobby things, here's someone I haven't talked about in a while: Brennan.

So, last week, for the first time in a while, I got a snapchat from him. (Thankfully not of his cat this time. Did I talk about his cat snapchats here? I swear, there was at least 3 every week for 2 months straight.) I was surprised to see it, especially since after my icing out of him, he seemed to have finally given up.

After seeing that he also kept looking at all of my Snapchat stories, I decided to snoop around to see how he was doing lately.

We're not Facebook friends, but since we have a mutual friend (a girl I went to elementary school with), he shows up in my recommended friends all the time. So I snoop his page, and guess what?

Brennan has a girlfriend.

Yup.

He moved on pretty fast. It seems to have been pretty recent (they weren't dating earlier this year) and deciding to be creepy, I went onto her FB page to snoop. She's cute, and seems nice. Is a super anime fan like he is (cosplays and everything) and is a gamer as well. And together, they take super cute dates to the zoo and to parks and other super duper cute shit.

Not going to lie to you, Internet, I was a teeny bit jealous at first. And then I remembered that it was me who didn't want to date him in the first place, and me who wasn't even attracted to him, and me who ignored all his invitations to hang and all his friendly messages and cute (and ok, excessive) cat snapchats like an ice cold bitch.

I was just salty at first because how many freaking times does this make now that I almost date someone and then they turn around date someone else right after me?? But this time it is 100% my fault, which I acknowledge and fully own up to, so I digress.

So, getting over my petty jealousy, I decided I was happy for him for finding a nice girl. Who didn't ignore him, like me. Who clearly had more in common with him than me.

Congrats, Brennan and Girlfriend. Have a nice relationship. I promise I'll keep my bitter jealousy far away from the both of you.

So, Internet, I'll be over here, continuing to write my ass off, finishing this 31 day writing challenge, and moving on with my life. I'm very slowly starting to learn how that works.

Wish me luck.

xo Hopeless Romantic

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